To think this is not the norm for "lots of people"?

[fedupwiththis22]

DP and I have a 16 month old. He works long shifts, lots of 6am starts and 9pm finishes, and weekends etc. I'm starting to feel like I spend so much time alone I'm almost a single mum (yes, I know I'm not because we have a 2nd income etc, but that's just how I feel because of how much time I spend alone with my DD).

I mostly just get on with it but this morning as he left for work again it really got to me, so I said I'm feeling really down about it all, I just want a normal family life where we get the occasional day to spend together, He said "lots of families don't see each other on weekends due to work".

I disagreed with him and said I really don't think how little time we spend together is the norm!

Anyway. AIBU to think one day a month together as a family on average is not the norm?

Also - AIBU to really miss him and family time?? I feel lonely so much of the time. I love my DD so much, but we had her to be a family and now we are hardly functioning as one. 😣

Yanbu at all.
Children do not care whether they are being driven around in a Lamborghini or a Mini. Your child will not care whether they are wearing clothes from Primark or Harrods. What does matter is the interaction from their primary carer in this case you and your dh.
If your dh continues in this way your child will remember that dad was always working whilst mum did stuff with me.
You say his overtime pays for childcare but what is the point in that? What child wants their parent to work so that they can be farmed out to someone else?
Its an unpopular view but I really believe parents should work less and spend time with their children. It’s awful how expensive the cost of living is but I see lots of (usually men) no offence to Mrpuff who’s post was excellent, who just seem to justify working instead of spending time with their families.
One day your child will be much older and then they will remember who spent time with them. They will see other children with both parents and wonder “Why isn’t my dad here?”

OP, you are absolutely valid in your feelings over this. Family life is so important, these early formative years are so important and provide important foundations for you all. You’ll never get this time back.

I understand his reasoning, but it seems extreme. I hope you can talk to him, express your concerns and carve out more time together. Life is very short, it’s not all about work and money and whilst the cost of living increase is a concern, sacrifices can be made but it shouldn’t be at the detriment to family life and your relationship.

Happiness can’t be bought, it comes from a place of contentment and peace.

At first I thought he might be working OT to escape family life but from what you have said about him taking over when he is home it doesn't sound like that is right.

It may not be escaping time with the LO - but there does certainly seem to be an element of having no interest in spending time with the OP. This relationship could be fizzling out, as sad as that sounds.
When he is at home do you have good conversations together? Is he affectionate towards you?

My ex-H was like this. Yes, the money was helpful but we could have coped without it (and I’d rather have cut back on other things and actually spent more time together.)

He got satisfaction from work and I think he found it easier than family life. It can be a pretty good opt out for some men, especially with the “I do it for our family” attitude.

I was so lonely when married to him. He chose to miss out on so much as DC grew up. The effects of that really show now in his relationship with the teenagers.

I am remarried to a man with the same priorities as me. It’s lovely.

You need to sit down and go through the financial side. Can you manage without the overtime?
What changes can you make to your spending etc to cut down?

Approach it with him from this perspective. Just saying "I don't want you to work so much" is unreasonable if your mortgage or lifestyle requires it.

If you have 30k in the bank then I'm with you.

Working out your sums with cost of living projections is really the only way to work out what is necessary versus what is unreasonable

Here's an example of a typical (particularly bad) week:

Monday: I work 8-5 and do drop off/pick up
DP works 7.30am-8pm.

Tues: I work 8-5 and do drop off/pick up
DP works 6am-6pm.

Wed: I work 8-6. DP looks after DD.

Thurs: I work 8-5 and do drop off and pick up, DP works 7.15am-9pm.

Fri: I look after DD. DP works 7.30am-5pm.

Sat: DP works 8am-9pm.

Sun: DP works 8am-6pm.

Can you go up to 5 days then? If he always has one week day off and has the baby then he will always have to work at least 1 weekend day to get a full 5 day week in.
If you increase one work day he can decrease one.

But why should OP increase her work days, if they don’t need that extra day financially ?

She is allowed to want to spend time with her DD.

Can you communicate that to him? Tell him you feel like he’s making money more important than you, and that maybe you don’t need him to change anything in a physical/practical sense but that you need emotional validation and connection. You.m need to know he’s listening to you and hears your frustration.

maybe it’s actually emotional intimacy you’re lacking? Maybe the amount of time spent together wouldn’t be so key if you had emotional connection?

As well as you needing intimacy between the two of you, it might be that you need more intimacy within yourself as well though. I mean the inner security of knowing that whatever you feel is valid, and heard/known within yourself. Then there might not be quite so much pressure for him to fulfil everything you need?

Tbh we are both so exhausted that we just end up zoning out in our own spaces then going to sleep. The only conversations we tend to have are when are we going to get the food shopping/ housework done and how has DD been today etc. in terms of connecting with each other it's very limited.

He does however still initiate sex and intimacy occasionally. But I struggle because I feel so distant from him due to how much time we spend apart. I think in his mind sex will make us closer whereas I want to feel emotionally closer to him first through conversation and connection before I have sex. We clash there at times too.

You need to sit down with him and have a talk.

Say he is missing out, that your little girl is getting really interesting and you NEED time with him and her.

He needs to see her in the park or with other children.

He also needs to know that you are not criticizing his work ethic but that you are a family not a couple.

Your DD needs to see you as a family too.

I had a work colleague had had a 'non negotiable' family meal (her kids were teens) where as long as you were living in her house, even if you spent 6 days with your boyfriend you had to be home that day for a meal.

Obviously when her eldest went to uni she didn't have to be there in term time.

Would something like that work? 1 Day or half day that is a priority?

One activity you all do together every week. It might be a walk in the park, it might be a treat in a café or well anything.

If the shifts are not regular then get an old fashioned paper diary and a post it note. The post it not is family time, it can be moved to another day but it has to be once a week.

As she gets older the activity will change and if you have more children it will be good for them to have family time too.

I was about to say I don't want to increase my days. I dropped to 4 days to have time with my DD, I need that balance. We each get a day off with her so it works nicely in that sense. We just don't do much as a family.

rather than telling him to work less, maybe suggest he keep one day every other weekend for family time.

My ExH used to work SO much overtime.. same reasons, said we 'needed' the money (we didnt) he was living to work.. not working to live, and i was parenting two kids almost entirely on my own... if he wasnt working he was in a shit mood from being so tired/overworked.

that was my compromise suggestion.. either a sat or a sun every other week for family time.

But again.. note the 'Ex' bit.

@herecomemydemons

If "get a grip woman" is the most helpful contribution you have then I'll be disengaging from you, as there are many other empathic and rationale posters on here who have offered lots of helpful advice. Please take your bitterness elsewhere, it's not wanted here.

What are the chances of promotion or finding a better paid job?

@Heroicallyl0st

You've perfectly understood I think. Thank you.
Especially this:

maybe it’s actually emotional intimacy you’re lacking? Maybe the amount of time spent together wouldn’t be so key if you had emotional connection?

I'm hugely missing an emotional connection with him. 😓

You're spending the money he earns on new clothes and toys. There's "disposable" income in your bank, so I presume you're "disposing" of it.

If you spend less money, he won't have to work so hard. He's clearly not doing the overtime to escape family life as he takes over as soon as he gets home.

Downsize your house, stop spending and you can have your husband back.

He's working his arse off and you're telling him he's missing her grow up. That's ungrateful and pointless. Pick one: Money or man.

I remember when I had my DS with my ex husband. he decided to go and work in Scotland in his industry under the pretext of more money, and we saw him maybe one weekend in 3 months, I was working full time as a student nurse and using childcare.
Looking back I realised he didn't want to be around for the baby years and just decided to work away.
There is no way on earth I could have done that, I wanted to be with DS all of the time.
In the end we just divorced and he moved abroad because we were not a family any more and he felt like a stranger, DS didn't know who he was and didn't want to go to him when he came home.
Your H is wrong to prioritise money over family. Your baby will not build that important bond with your H if he is never around, it will be completely lost and your marriage will fail.
If you neglect a fire it will go out. Urgent changes need to be made in my opinion. Money isn't everything. I lived on next to nothing when DS was growing up but we were happy and did a lot of fun things.
He has no kind of relationship with his father now he is grown up, his father would like a relationship but he is a stranger to DS and he isn't interested.

@sashh

I like this idea. He writes all his overtime shifts on our family planner in the kitchen. I'm going to insist on protected family days (at least 2 a month maybe?) that get written on there. I might add "DO NOT BOOK OVER!!!" too like I do in my work diary when it's something important😂

For me or him?

Do you have family near by? Friends for meet ups?
I can see how you would find all this quite relentless. But it doesn’t look like your DH is willing to make any changes. I think in the meantime you need to just forget about him - sounds cruel - but you do just seem to be spending a lot of time missing him, waiting for him, wishing he was with you and imagining how it would be if things were different… if it’s as you say and you don’t need the money, he’s just being an unreasonable workaholic who sounds like he’s quite unbothered about not spending time with you, fuck’m. Go do your own thing, spend that extra money on nice trips out with your LO or book some swimming lessons or similar, build a social life away from him. Being alone with a little one all the time can be a bit mind numbing! Don’t be alone - you don’t need to depend on him for company and fun.