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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is not the norm for "lots of people"?

224 replies

fedupwiththis22 · 30/07/2022 09:04

DP and I have a 16 month old. He works long shifts, lots of 6am starts and 9pm finishes, and weekends etc. I'm starting to feel like I spend so much time alone I'm almost a single mum (yes, I know I'm not because we have a 2nd income etc, but that's just how I feel because of how much time I spend alone with my DD).

I mostly just get on with it but this morning as he left for work again it really got to me, so I said I'm feeling really down about it all, I just want a normal family life where we get the occasional day to spend together, He said "lots of families don't see each other on weekends due to work".

I disagreed with him and said I really don't think how little time we spend together is the norm!

Anyway. AIBU to think one day a month together as a family on average is not the norm?

Also - AIBU to really miss him and family time?? I feel lonely so much of the time. I love my DD so much, but we had her to be a family and now we are hardly functioning as one. 😣

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 30/07/2022 11:48

@fedupwiththis22

My dad was a bit like that growing up. He worked until about our bed time. he often did overtime on Saturday mornings. On Sundays we went to church (and he stayed at home to clean the car and cook lunch) and then we went to my grandparents and he normally stayed at home and did DIY stuff.

But I had a lovely relationship with him. I loved when he was around, sitting "helping" and watching him doing the DIY. One of my first memories was watching him make a bookshelf and feeling intensely proud when he gave me a piece of sandpaper to "help".
I wish now I'd asked him to show me more of the things he could do. I'm certain he would have loved to teach me.

He wasn't a natural "dad" if that makes sense, but I knew he did love us.

CoastalWave · 30/07/2022 11:50

Barely see DH - I work evenings, he works days. He also has to work weekends at the minute as we are skint.

BellePeppa · 30/07/2022 11:50

Whatwouldscullydo · 30/07/2022 09:45

Do you have anything to show for all this over time and extra money.

I'm gonna be accused of all sorts here but id be totally suspicious tbh. Hes acting like a single man. And thinks throwing some cash at the situation absolves him of anything.

It would be different of you were struggling and had no choice but if you'd be OK if he did less hours then what's he doing them for.

The kid won't care fir years what he does or doesn't have. But he will find his dad to be a stranger soon enough if this keeps up.

I would wonder if he was actually working all that time.

If he’s bringing in the extra money then he probably is working?

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 30/07/2022 12:03

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 30/07/2022 11:03

God some of the posts on here are just so horrible. This marriage will fail if this continues and the the lack of family time is directly impacting their DD. Anyone can see that.
No amount of money is worth that.
Personally I found being a single parent so much more rewarding than having a husband I never saw and had fallen out of love with as a result.

It might not fail. Some couples are pretty happy with the space and work-life arrangements.
I couldn't do it. It is not for me. Depends on priorities and how people feel about what they want out of a relationship.

Quia · 30/07/2022 12:06

fedupwiththis22 · 30/07/2022 10:55

I'm not avoiding the question of what we are saving, I had missed it.

We save in the region of £300-500 per month depending on how much overtime he has and how many extra outgoings we have that month.

So what if anything are you spending that on?

ancientgran · 30/07/2022 12:07

fedupwiththis22 · 30/07/2022 09:15

I just really miss him and I am yearning for some family time. When I say that to him I get met with "but we need the money". He doesn't understand that it gets to me, and he doesn't seem to empathise when I vent about it. He just gives practical, factual responses. I end up saying to him "I know why you're doing it, I'm just saying that it makes me feel sad and depressed". I suppose I want some validation and maybe for him to say "yeah I agree it's shit for me too - I miss you too"... etc, but he doesn't say that. 😓

Maybe he finds it easier to cope if he just focuses on what he has to do. Dwelling on something he can't change is just going to make him as depressed about it as you.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 30/07/2022 12:09

YANBU to want him to cut down the OT so you can spend time together. Love the idea of ‘protected’ days.

YABU to think this isn’t the reality for a lot of families who have shift workers in them.

polka6 · 30/07/2022 12:14

Hi, OP. I opened this thinking I would disagree and tell you this is the norm for a lot of families. I still think it is, but I've read all your updates and I can empathise.
I think what your missing more than time together as a family/as a couple is actually quality time and emotional connection. I get this. It's not about spending 6 hours sitting on the sofa together, its about spending 2 hours that are meaningful - a nice walk together with DD or actually making eye contact, conversing and him understanding and validating your feelings. I'm not sure what to suggest to work on that (if you figure out a way please do DM me).

In terms of the practical side, although I don't think everyone lives like your family unit (or mine) I think it isn't out of the ordinary. Some people must live pay cheque to pay cheque. We have done long distance (as a new married couple and prior to) people thought we were mental. We did that because we needed to for our careers. We both work full time and similar hours to your DH. I don't know what to say about that other than normalise it for you, as a couple we definitely work more hours than you guys as a couple (its not a comparison/competition, just letting you know that our "norm" is more hours than you). I think I have the same issue as you though regarding the emotional connection. It is there but it would be nice to have it more frequently and for DH to recognise and validate our feelings, like you said, "I know its really rubbish at the moment, I hear what youre saying, but it will get better and in the mean time why dont we make plans? We can go to XYZ end of the month for a full day, but can also have a little treat - 2 hours on Wednesday night after work why dont we do ABC or on Sunday I'll start at 10 instead of 9, we could do a morning walk/ picnic breakfast etc".

ugh, good luck OP. Its tough. But you're setting up for the rest of your lives together.

PurpleFlower1983 · 30/07/2022 12:15

If you earn more on paper I would up your days to 5 to facilitate family time and allow him to cut down his overtime. You don’t get this time back.

Howappropriate · 30/07/2022 12:16

My partner worked weekends and did long shifts so I can relate to that loneliness. He changed his working pattern so we have every Saturday together now. Total game changer.
And you need to arrange life so he has sole care of your child when you are not in- either a class or going out for a walk. Or on the day off, he does something with baby and you chill.

balalake · 30/07/2022 12:18

It should not be the norm, just a feature of those jobs which will always require shift work (emergency services, for example).

Perhaps something those who advocate even longer Sunday shopping hours should think about, often people who never work evenings and weekends themselves.

DrTeddyAltman · 30/07/2022 12:26

fedupwiththis22 · 30/07/2022 09:26

Someone asked if he is self employed - No, he's not. He in a public sector job where it's basically a lot of shift work and there's always plenty of overtime available. So he takes advantage of that.

I could have written all your posts, including this one. I wonder if they do the same kind of role.
When DS was tiny, DH worked a 2 hours commute each way, sometimes with a 13/14 hour day when he was there. It was tough on us both. He was exhausted from work, I was exhausted from looking after the baby and then from working and looking after the baby. We barely saw each other and days as a family were few and far between. I felt exactly like you- I understood why he was working so much but man, it was hard!
Our circumstances have changed and developed and we have more time off together now and looking back, it was tough but so worth it. Hold on OP, you'll get through it.

Davyjones · 30/07/2022 12:28

fedupwiththis22 · 30/07/2022 09:04

DP and I have a 16 month old. He works long shifts, lots of 6am starts and 9pm finishes, and weekends etc. I'm starting to feel like I spend so much time alone I'm almost a single mum (yes, I know I'm not because we have a 2nd income etc, but that's just how I feel because of how much time I spend alone with my DD).

I mostly just get on with it but this morning as he left for work again it really got to me, so I said I'm feeling really down about it all, I just want a normal family life where we get the occasional day to spend together, He said "lots of families don't see each other on weekends due to work".

I disagreed with him and said I really don't think how little time we spend together is the norm!

Anyway. AIBU to think one day a month together as a family on average is not the norm?

Also - AIBU to really miss him and family time?? I feel lonely so much of the time. I love my DD so much, but we had her to be a family and now we are hardly functioning as one. 😣

Yes it’s normal for many
it’s all about what suits your family
need to sort this stuff out before you settle down with someone

Marvellousmadness · 30/07/2022 12:32

Maybe he prefers working over being at home :(

Blueblell · 30/07/2022 12:38

I think you have tell him that accumulating savings is not your priority at the moment. When you look back later in life you might regret the missed time. Perhaps he should have one weekend day off every week (if that is possible with his shifts) looks like he works 6 days a week.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 30/07/2022 12:40

fedupwiththis22 · 30/07/2022 11:05

Thank you.

Like I say I am grateful for what he does do when he's home. But he does no more than what I do every single day to keep our DD happy and safe and keep our household ticking over. I doubt he's immensely grateful to me for that - he probably just sees it as my job, cause I'm a woman? 🤷‍♀️

He is a good man in many ways and I don't think I've said otherwise? But he does get overly tunnel visioned with regard to money. There are other priorities imo and it's not all about cash. That's where we clash.

Tough one - he's working way too much but those numbers in terms of saving £300 - £500 a week are not to be sniffed at and I'd struggle to not do that, you never know when the tap might be turned off. Can you get a timeframe to hit £x of savings of £y amount for overtime p/m for z months to get a steady balance.

I really don't think either of you are wrong.

OneCup · 30/07/2022 12:47

Could you ask him to make a compromise: he either does overtime in the evening or over (one day of) the weekend but not both?

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 30/07/2022 12:49

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 30/07/2022 12:40

Tough one - he's working way too much but those numbers in terms of saving £300 - £500 a week are not to be sniffed at and I'd struggle to not do that, you never know when the tap might be turned off. Can you get a timeframe to hit £x of savings of £y amount for overtime p/m for z months to get a steady balance.

I really don't think either of you are wrong.

Edit, I meant per month, oh for an edit function....

MumOf21 · 30/07/2022 12:54

There needs to be a work/life balance so that couples can spend at least a few days a month together undisturbed from the restraint of work. My first marriage broke up because we were never both at home together for more than a few hours at a time, and if he worked overtime, that we never got to spend the night together for weeks sometimes. The inevitable happened, he started to have an affair with someone working similar hours to himself, and when l found out about this l could never forgive him, and the marriage crumbled and died even further until l filed for Divorce on the grounds of Adultery.
It wasn’t easy, l became a single parent to our three daughters, all at junior school age at the time. I seldom went out, money was tight, and my work contract training to be a nurse came to an end after l sat my finals exams a few weeks later.
it was my Cousin who set me up to meet his site Forman at work, at a Halloween party, and persuaded me to go on the pretext that he and his wife were going, and they had bought me a ticket! They asked a mutual friend to babysit for me, and picked me up from home to make sure that l didn’t back out of going.
once at the venue, a man in his early 40s came over talking to John, who introduced me to his Site Forman, Bill, who was also going through a divorce from his wife on the grounds of her adultry. He had found indecent photographs of her posing in their home with a local Police officer/ known Romeo!
After several Dates with Bill, Christmas with him and my Girls spent in the Snowdonia Mountains, he produced an engagement ring on New Year’s Eve under the Christmas Tree, and asked me to Marry him!… I was shocked!
neither of us were free to remarry until our divorces were fully through, but after a long discussion, we decided to provisionally save the Day for 14 months later, to give time for him to sell his house, deal with the division of assets, and buy my Ex husband out regarding the property l was living in, thus reducing the amount of disruption for my daughters, who he spoilt rotten, both physically and emotionally.

Fast forward just over 35 years later, and Bill and l are still together, we went on to have two more daughters of our own, plus six Grandchildren, along with 7 step Grandchildren from my Daughters of my First marriage who Bill helped me Bring up!

As for my first Husband, he recently went through his 4th Divorce, he never was a ‘faithful one woman Guy’ and he certainly married a few Martini women along the way, Any Time, any way, anywhere, with anyone type of women!
At one point l had to restrict contact access to the Daughters we had had together, after one of them gave my Sister in law a demonstration of ‘what Daddy does to his Girlfriend during access visits’ at 6years old!

Ohexcellent · 30/07/2022 13:02

Every family is completely different when it comes to family time OP. My DH works offshore. He spends 3 weeks at sea then is home for 2 weeks. Out of his 2 weeks off - 2 days are spent travelling (one home from work and one back to work), 1 day is spent washing kit etc and packing ready to go back, half a day is spent sleeping (the day after he gets home. He works 14-16hours per day everyday for 3 weeks straight so I absolutely do not grudge him his rest day!). I then work 4 days per week. So we essentially have 2.5 days every 5 weeks that we can fully spend as a family. Sometimes it works out a few more depending on shift patterns of mine.

Its hard. I spend a lot of time just me and our 20month old but it’s just what our family life is. It’s very different to all my friends family lives - most of them mum works PT and dad works a 9-5 or shift work so both parents are there at the weekends and part of the day.

MintJulia · 30/07/2022 13:18

OP, is there a grand plan behind his work ethic?

What does he intend for your savings? You're saving about £5k between you a year. Is he saving for a deposit or do you already have a mortgage? A bigger house?

Is he planning to retire early? Does he want his kids to go to independent school? What did his dad do for a living? Does he come from a poor background or an affluent one? What is he trying to live up to?

I came from a big family with absolutely no money at all. I've worked long hours for 35 years because I cannot bear the thought that ds will have to live like we did as children. Things like that can create long memories.

C8H10N4O2 · 30/07/2022 13:34

fedupwiththis22 · 30/07/2022 11:10

My friends husband used to do shifts, and was away EOW, and she would laugh and say its like being a single parent EOW, then immediately say, "But I know its different as I have him to talk to on the phone, and the kids can talk to him and when he is here he is fully here and does school runs, there is 2 incomes etc". and I didn't take offence (as a single parent) as I knew exactly what she meant.

Thank you. Glad someone gets it.

MN is not different from wider society on this subject. If a woman has (a) a husband (b) a husband who holds down a job she is supposed to be endlessly grateful she must know her place and never mention if she is sad or lonely or any of the many other emotions couples can go through at this stage of life. That is the low bar we set as a society.

Have you done the numbers with him and what is the specific incident or requirement he wants to keep saving for?
If you pay all the bills and can save a sizeable sum each month then it should be possible to work a little bit less and have a little bit more time together. If he is working more than he needs to at the cost of time together then its a choice he is making which both of you should be involved in.

Its not great when both of you simply have to take every hour going to get by, but that isn't the case here and both of you probably need to compromise a bit.

ILikeToSleepALot · 30/07/2022 13:52

Everyone's different, there is no such thing as "normal", and even if there was there is no consolation in being normal if it makes you unhappy. It may be normal for some husbands to work long hours and miss on family life but it clearly isn't working for you.

One thing I've learned in my life though is that men are pretty much always doing what they want to do, regardless of what they say. So if you assume that he wants to do things differently but he feels he can't, you may be disappointed. It's possible he prefers being away at work to family time with a small child, he certainly wouldn't be the first parent in the world to have such feelings. If that's the case, there is nothing you can do to convince him otherwise because any argument he puts up will be an excuse.

knittingaddict · 30/07/2022 15:14

fedupwiththis22 · 30/07/2022 09:13

We spent every other weekend and lots of evenings together before the baby.

We now spend on average one weekend day a month fully together as a family. The rest he is working either his normal shifts or overtime .

No, I don't tkink that's the norm for most couples and I don't think it's sustainable long term. Honestly if my husband had been around for so few days I don't think our marriage would have survived and he had/has a highly paid and demanding job.

You hear stories like this all the time. Men who prioritise work and money over family life. They frequently have to live with the regret in future years, but it's too late by then.

ancientgran · 30/07/2022 18:29

Well normal varies doesn't it. I grew up in the family's hospitality business. It was normal to me that my parents were busy every evening, weekends and holidays like Christmas.
My husband was a policeman, don't know what the shifts are like now but he did 6 am to 2 pm which meant he was tired and grumpy by the time everyone was home, or 2 pm to 10 pm which meant he didn't see kids/me after school/work, or 10 pm to 6 am which meant he got home as we were getting up, didn't want to do anything in the evening as he had to be ready to leave for work at 9 pm and one way or another he worked 3 weekends out of 4 not to mention Christmas being a workday. That was our normal.

Is your husband overly anxious about responsibilities now he has a family? It is good that he is hard working and wants the best for you all but maybe a bit of a compromise is possible.

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