To think this is not the norm for "lots of people"?

[fedupwiththis22]

DP and I have a 16 month old. He works long shifts, lots of 6am starts and 9pm finishes, and weekends etc. I'm starting to feel like I spend so much time alone I'm almost a single mum (yes, I know I'm not because we have a 2nd income etc, but that's just how I feel because of how much time I spend alone with my DD).

I mostly just get on with it but this morning as he left for work again it really got to me, so I said I'm feeling really down about it all, I just want a normal family life where we get the occasional day to spend together, He said "lots of families don't see each other on weekends due to work".

I disagreed with him and said I really don't think how little time we spend together is the norm!

Anyway. AIBU to think one day a month together as a family on average is not the norm?

Also - AIBU to really miss him and family time?? I feel lonely so much of the time. I love my DD so much, but we had her to be a family and now we are hardly functioning as one. 😣

There are obviously some people that work away from home a lot (DH used to be away for 5 or 6 weeks at a time - but then have quiet periods of work when at home and be owed a lot in time in lieu) or they do night shifts which can make family life difficult.
Working 15 hour days plus weekends is not normal - I was going to say, that’s not even legal unless he’s self employed or choosing to do it - but as you say, he’s voluntarily taking over time. Would you be struggling for money if he didn’t take it? If not, his behaviour is really odd. He’s either avoiding family life on purpose or as a PP suggested - fibbing about where he is.

I know how you feel. My husband and I work in the same sector FT - he has lots of on calls, nights, weekends etc. I also work full time and our 15 month old is in nursery during the week. In the last month he has worked 2 full weekends, 1 day of a weekend and the other weekend we had to visit family. I do all the drop offs and pick ups as the nursery is near where I work but he will do it if he has a random day off (usually mid week). It is very easy to be resentful and I hope it gets better for you. It's laughable how we work full time but the cost of living and increase in nursery costs means that we have to pick up additional shifts. My friend in Australia has 3 kids and both she and her husband work full time and she said the government helps families like theirs (where both parents work either full time/part time) by significantly reducing nursery and childcare costs (greater reduction if both work FT).

Depends on what you want.
My ex-wife had a career in the NHS/private she was never in, so I ran the home looked after the children, and ran my business. For us it killed the connection, she was tired and disassociated from the relationship and the children.
We divorced in the end. That's not a life, it wasn't enjoyable.
It also meant I sacrificed personal goals of my own for her career.
I'm annoyed about it now, it's my biggest regret.

Now new DP, my hrs are 9-3 ish, she works 9-5. Much more family/relationship friendly. Everyone is happy.

Yanbu and it’s really hard. I was a single parent from v early on with my ds and now have 18month old dd with dp. He works away a lot and a lot of weekends but not as much as yours does. He also hates that he’s missing out of time with dd (will be his only child due to our ages) and does try and limit weekend work as much as he can.

can you come to a practical compromise of how much time you spend as a family? Also does he ever have an entire day just him and dd? I think it’s hard to truly “get” how endless it can feel if he doesn’t actually have any time in that situation himself. Even though it might feel counter productive for you to go off and leave them together when what you actually want is more family time, it may help him get that it’s not really fair to leave you to parent solo so much of the time?

I also think it’s worth pointing out to him that you do need to prioritise your relationship too. Life will really be financially hard if you have to pay for 2 homes between you!

50-60 hours a week on average. Some weeks it's been less, others more.

He gets one mid day week off per week where he looks after our DD and I'm at work (we each have a day per week where we look after her so she's in childcare 3 days). He is supposed to also have other days off, but he fills them with overtime so they are never days off.

@Antigonesaunt

I work 4 days a week already.

I get you OP. My DH works long hours and when he’s home he prioritises time with the kids, which of course is absolutely right, but I also miss doing spontaneous little things together. I do the bulk of the childcare and the nice things with the kids, which is lovely for me, but sometimes I would love him to join in more. I don’t have any advice, but just to say you’re not alone (no pun intended!!)

No real advice, but so many older people say they wished they had spent more time with their children growing up rather than working so hard and focusing on career and money. They are the ones who make wonderful grandparents as they see what they missed. It does seem to be a thing with parents but it's probably always been like this with fathers. Growing up my dad had very little to do with us. DH and I have a reasonable life balance, but my parents worked alternate shifts so very little family time.

I think' you just need to throw a strop if reasonableness is getting you nowhere and seek a compromise

It's irrelevant whether it's the norm or not because right now, it isn't working for you.

I know exactly how you feel, although my children are older now.
My H is self-employed and was/is rarely here and hasn't been since my first child was very young. It was so incredibly difficult when they were young but we were desperate for the money and that was that.
We have now drifted apart and pretty much just live under the same roof. Don't allow that to happen.

If you're not absolutely desperate for the extra money as we were, sit him down, communicate and compromise.

Our situations sound very similar.
I also do all the drop offs and pick ups as it's closer to my work.

It can make for a VERY tiring and lonely day to leave the house at 7.15am with a baby, drop off at childcare, work 8-5, collect baby, drive home and do bath and bedtime alone til 9pm. Then get up and repeat the next day. Then knowing that there'll still be no respite when the weekend comes around as I'll be waving him off for work again at 7.30am. 😣

Could you show him what you have written on this thread perhaps? I think you are not unreasonable at all in wanting more tike together as a family.

It's great that he has a full day with DD in the week - so although you don't get that day with them, they do have a regular slot of one on one time which is more than many get.

I would suggest setting up a shared calendar and 'booking in' your family weekend days so that they are protected. Then you will both have a good overview of how many days like that you get, it might reassure you or it might encourage your DH to find time for a few more xx

Your feelings are completely understandable, OP. It sounds like there's a massive imbalance in your collective work/life. It's very hard when you realise that your partner prioritises work over family time. Sadly there's a lot of men who seem content to do this, who don't worry about what they're missing, about all those missed opportunities and moments that they will never get back. Some men are very blinkered, they just focus on work and are oblivious to what they're giving up. I know this because I'm married to one. Sending you hugs and solidarity.

What’s the point in all this extra disposable income if you’ve got no time to enjoy it together?

My kids are adults now and one thing they talk about their childhood was missing out on “family time” due to DH and I having to work opposite shifts as we couldn’t afford childcare. We rarely did anything all together, as he worked all week and I worked nights and every weekend. At the time, we were doing the best we could, but it does make me a little bit sad.

Your feelings are understandable OP

At first I thought he might be working OT to escape family life but from what you have said about him taking over when he is home it doesn't sound like that is right.

I think in his head he is doing a good job earning extra money. I guess it depends on what you would be giving up lifestyle wise if he were to drop to 40 hours per week. Would you be missing out a lot?

YANBU, I rarely see my DH in the week as he works late, does client entertainment as very senior and has to bring in the money so will often stay overnight in hotels paid for by the company. It is lonely at times but see him at the weekends and our eldest is 15 and costs more and more so we need the money. I think with very young children it would have been horrible though as I would have felt even more lonely and that he was missing out.

Lots of things are common but that doesn't mean they should be seen as normal.

I used to be in a relationship where we both worked shifts. I worked 6-2 and he worked 1-9. I had a day off mid week and had to work a weekend day, whereas he did Monday-Friday. We didn't have children and it absolutely sucked.

I think you need to tell him how unhappy you are and ask that he cuts down on some of the overtime.

@FlatWhiteExtraHot

Exactly - I've said this to him before. What's the point in the money if we're not enjoying it as a family? I mean, DD has everything she needs and never goes without, which I'm absolutely grateful for as I know some families are struggling, so I don't want to take that for granted. But it's not the life I wanted when we planned a baby together. It's just not the right balance at all.

I have a handful of lovely memories of afternoons out as a family with DD over the past 16 months. Just a handful. I treasure those memories far more than the disposable income in our account or the new clothes or toys I'm buying for her. I want to make more of those memories as a family whilst she's still young.

How much longer will he need to do these kinds of hours for? For instance, if he's in healthcare and a doctor or a nurse, the higher up you go, the nights and weekends either stop/become less frequent. I don't think it's fair of PP to say he's conveniently choosing his work over family life - some people want financial stability, especially in this current climate and it depends on an individual's financial situation e.g. renting/homeowner, planning to buy, helping family etc. I think it does get better with time so hang in there and good luck :)

@herecomemydemons

I didn't say every day, did I? I was quite clear from the start that there are some evenings when he is home to do bath & bedtime - on average 3 in 7. That's a good week, too.

So yes, there indeed are many an occasion when it's "rinse and repeat".

There has to be a compromise, he could drop a shift or 2 of overtime a month without putting your family in the red and he should if it would make you happy. You’re not unreasonable to want to see him more as long as you’re not desperately struggling for money.

However, you’re not a single parent and it’s kind of insulting to single parents to call yourself one. You have a husband who loves you, cares for you, is trying to provide for his family and pulls his weight when home. It may make you sad to go to the park with your DD alone but doubt ever forget the above. Millions of women are holding shit together totally alone, myself included and I work similar shift patterns to your OH. It’s a fucking grind I can tell you. Not to invalidate your feelings but remind yourself that you are not actually doing it alone because that really really is hard.

What is he doing with the extra disposable income?

So he's made unilateral financial decisions affecting the whole family, after you had a child, without consulting you? Who made him the God of family financial decision-making?

The equal opposite of that would be one parent unilaterally deciding they're going to be a SAHP, because time with the child is so much more important than the money, without any discussion.

So, discuss! Put your cards on the table - including all the financial information, all the emotional information, all the ideas about what upbringing you want your child to have and what family life for yourselves - and talk through what the options are, what the implications of those options are. Then make a decision, together.

I think I this is something important to consider as well. He might have some unaddressed shame or negative feelings around needing to work so much to provide the life he wants for his family. Perhaps when you say you’re sad about this, the reason he responds with practical answers rather than “I’m sad too” is because of this, he feels ashamed that he’s making you sad and is trying not to see it or admit it. Just a guess but it might help you see things from both sides and understand that perhaps he has a bit to unpack about it on his side vs him just being insensitive and blind to your feelings. Does he for instance have friends or relatives in higher paid roles who are able to meet a certain standard of living and also see their families? Is he living up to this ideal? Could you make a plan together for a career shift for him so that you can meet all your needs together?

One day a month is low for some but he's earning all the money he can. Not a daft idea in the current climate. You may come to be glad he did.

I lived with a police specialist who was away for three months at a time, worked shifts etc. I travelled a lot too.

My sis is a nurse who works shifts and is married to a printer who works different shifts.
My eldest sis is a teacher married to a chemist who worked away for 6 months and came home one weekend in two.

Two other sisters and brother have managed 'normal hours jobs'

I guess 'normal is a bit misleading.