To think this is not the norm for "lots of people"?

[fedupwiththis22]

DP and I have a 16 month old. He works long shifts, lots of 6am starts and 9pm finishes, and weekends etc. I'm starting to feel like I spend so much time alone I'm almost a single mum (yes, I know I'm not because we have a 2nd income etc, but that's just how I feel because of how much time I spend alone with my DD).

I mostly just get on with it but this morning as he left for work again it really got to me, so I said I'm feeling really down about it all, I just want a normal family life where we get the occasional day to spend together, He said "lots of families don't see each other on weekends due to work".

I disagreed with him and said I really don't think how little time we spend together is the norm!

Anyway. AIBU to think one day a month together as a family on average is not the norm?

Also - AIBU to really miss him and family time?? I feel lonely so much of the time. I love my DD so much, but we had her to be a family and now we are hardly functioning as one. 😣

Thank you.

Like I say I am grateful for what he does do when he's home. But he does no more than what I do every single day to keep our DD happy and safe and keep our household ticking over. I doubt he's immensely grateful to me for that - he probably just sees it as my job, cause I'm a woman? 🤷‍♀️

He is a good man in many ways and I don't think I've said otherwise? But he does get overly tunnel visioned with regard to money. There are other priorities imo and it's not all about cash. That's where we clash.

OP, YANBU to feel like this, but all you can do is to seriously discuss it with him and ask him to compromise. What would you be happy with ? Maybe he could not work EOW if you can manage without the money?

My friends husband used to do shifts, and was away EOW, and she would laugh and say its like being a single parent EOW, then immediately say, "But I know its different as I have him to talk to on the phone, and the kids can talk to him and when he is here he is fully here and does school runs, there is 2 incomes etc". and I didn't take offence (as a single parent) as I knew exactly what she meant.

Another friend's husband was obsessed with paying off the mortgage early and worked all the time and resented time off for family holidays etc. They ultimately divorced as she was so unhappy with her life.

If you and him were to split up, then presumably he would have to share care of DD so he would have to work less, and life would probably be harder for all of you.

So sit down, talk to him , work out a budget that you can afford to live on, and a second budget with a few more luxuries etc, and look at his hours and where he can cut back in order to have some family/partner time.

When you discussed having a baby, how did he envisage family life then, can you ask him now, what he thought he would be doing versus what he is actually doing?

The sad thing is that this won't change unless you can come to an agreement, so how long are you prepared to stay living like this and being unhappy. Ultimately you will break up one way or another if you don't sort this out now.

He does sound like a great hands on dad when he is there which is fantastic, however its not unreasonable to want him to be around at weekends sometimes.

Good luck

It is definitely not the norm amongst most people. I stopped doing shift work (nursing) after having my DD predominantly because I wanted to be around at the same time as my OH so we could be together as a family. I adore my toddler DD but I find extended periods alone with her lonely and no one else can really be as good a company as your child’s father who is as interested in them as you are.

I can only suggest that you sit down together to look at the finances and try and come to a compromise.

That doesn’t make any sense @herecomemydemons .

If a woman came on “whining” that her husband was having an affair and was heartbroken, would that tell us he was a “good man”? (As she wouldn’t care if not)

If a woman is struggling in an abusive relationship, can we just assume he is a “good man”? (By your reasoning, why would she be with him in the first place if not, she wanted to spend time with him, didn’t she?)

As I already said, OP’s DH might well be a good person.

But your bar seems so awfully low that you seem think any woman is lucky if she has a husband who is involved at all. It isn’t a race to the bottom.

Nope but they should not say they feel like single mothers

Surely they can say whatever they want when they are expressing their own feelings?

I've been a single mother. I'm well aware of the differences to my current situation, like 2 incomes and not being alone when making major life decisions etc. But I'm also well aware of the similarities, like many a day out with my DD spent alone watching other families and feeling lonely, longing to have that myself. That's the similarity. I was clear about that in my OP.

There are similarities and there are differences. I think that's a fair enough comment and I'm not sure why expressing it in that way is any way offensive. If that's offensive to someone I'd respectfully suggest it's their issue and not mine.

So maybe his desire to work isn't about the money at all. He's somehow able to claim it is, because you don't have agreed financial goals and a budget that delivers those.

If you can nail that, then you can move onto the conversation about what you both value, want and how you're going to organise your lives to deliver that.

Or you may find out that your values and life goals are not as compatible as you'd assumed.

He might be running away from family responsibilities (very common and while he's good while he's present, that doesn't mean he means to be present more), or he could just be caught in an obsessive trap of his own making. The tunnel vision thing. A bit of an addictive or obsessive personality thing.

No-one gets to the end of their days and thinks:

'I wish I'd spent more time at work'

They wish they'd spent more time with their family when it really mattered.

My friends husband used to do shifts, and was away EOW, and she would laugh and say its like being a single parent EOW, then immediately say, "But I know its different as I have him to talk to on the phone, and the kids can talk to him and when he is here he is fully here and does school runs, there is 2 incomes etc". and I didn't take offence (as a single parent) as I knew exactly what she meant.

Thank you. Glad someone gets it.

Why don’t you drop down to 3 days & spend that day as family time?
It’s really tough adjusting to family life my DH used to work on a Sat & I felt so envious of all the family groups out and about. No one seemed to want to make plans with us on a Sat as that was family time.

tell him he cant spend any of this money if hes never there can he

whats his end goal being a millinaire? he'll get in a habit of doing this and then say he cant stop

Where are his hours vs EU directive on working hours. I know we left the Eubutnim not sure that’s been overruled as law yet, and it remains a good benchmark.
look it up on line
if he is exceeding that, he is putting his own health at risk too. Maybe try that angle I.e. he is heading for mental health problems if he continues to work hours in excess of that directive and needs to take more time not working.

My mum worked like your husband does, lots of shift work and lots of well paid overtime. As a young child I never knew when she would be home, who would be looking after me (dad worked 9-5 so other relatives used to share the childcare), I don't really have a lot of fun memories with her growing up and even though I know she was doing what she through was best at the time for the family it makes me sad.

Honestly when I think back to childhood moments with my mum the first one that comes to mind is her making me pancakes when I was 4, and the teenage years were pretty bad because she wanted to exert control on me while not being very involved in any positive aspects of my life.

So I'm trying to find a balance, we all got to eat and pay the bills, but after keeping an emergency fund and paying into my pension thats it, work to live, not live to work.

you can legally opt out my dh has done this

Mine worked in and subsequently ran, the family retail business. He left for work at 6am and came home at 7pm or later. Sunday was the one day he didn’t go to work, but there was admin to do. I felt often, that I was raising the children on my own and just had to try to make a different life during the day. I was resentful often, but it got easier as the children became more independent and I worked more.

It doesn’t really matter whether it’s the norm for most people OP, it’s your norm and you aren’t happy with it. I don’t know what to suggest you do to change things. I couldn’t change things, but DH got fed up with it in the end and changed to something completely different. Unfortunately, the children were more or less adults by thrn, but at least we had a proper weekend.

This is terrible advice, her partner is working overtime, he can drop down to his normal hours and OP can keep her earning potential. OP is unhappy and needs to be prepared for relationship failure even if that is the last thing she wants. She is already doing all the leg work to facilitate the family time. He needs to acknowledge she is unhappy and work with her to find a solution, at the moment he is not even acknowledging there is an issue!

I suspect this is actually going to become more and more normal as the cost of living rises.

@fedupwiththis22 I think one of the problems is that his day off is a day off you work (again within the norm) so that actually does reduce the time down

I would agree 2 days a month that is family time as a compromise

In the past my DH worked extremely long hours, not because of overtime but due to the job he did. I hated it especially having young kids to deal with often alone. He now works much less but the kids are adults but I do feel like we missed that time when they were growing up.
I totally get where you are coming from.

Perfectly normal. When ours were young we worked opposite days and shifts to avoid childcare to try and get ahead/on property ladder. That meant we basically tag teamed each other coming in/going out front door or had one person sleeping while other was awake with kids. Once every 3 years we would take 2 weeks annual leave together and go away as a family. It really was a system of short term pain (over a decade and several kids) for long term gain. It worked.

I think many haven't read what you've said or are entirely missing the point.

You didn't get married to and have a child with this man to spend it mostly alone. He needs to know that.

You normally make 2x what he does while working 4 days a week.

It sounds like there is no real need for him to work so much overtime. You're not struggling to pay the bills or anything if he doesn't do overtime.

It does sound like he is avoiding family life.
Can you suggest him working 1 or 2 days overtime per week at the most?

I'm sure it's pretty normal for lots of other families, imagine being a military wife.

My dad was was in the military. So was my DH. They spend big chunks of time away obviously or have busy weeks on exercise. But when have ‘regular days’ at work they work normal hours and even finish early on a Friday quite often and have full weekends. We always did things together at the weekend. For me that’s not an accurate comparison.
The thing is also, it’s part and parcel of the job there to be away. It’s part and parcel for several jobs. You know what you’re signing up for and that means you can accept it more readily and are mentally prepared, even if it’s very tough. OP very much sounds like she did not sign up for this. I don’t get the impression that her DH has always had or always intended to do all this overtime. It’s not part and parcel of the job. It’s like if you had already had kids and your spouse randomly decided to join the army or take on another kind of job that would massively impact your family life without considering the implications it has on you or even discussing it with you first. It would not be ok.

I like the writing it on the board plan : I might add "DO NOT BOOK OVER!!!" too like I do in my work diary when it's something important😂
Id probably add in my whiteboard note your partner and child miss you, you can’t take to with you when you’re dead, I DO NOT CARE how much you could get paid instead of see us and nor does your baby.

Sounds really tough. I personally think, if you have children, one day a week needs to be spent as family time, even if it's just half a day and can even be something simple like having a picnic in the local park and playing etc. Once a week for sure.

The other thing that stands out here is your title. It tells us that he has argued that your life is fine, because other people live like this too. Basically 'eat your crusts, there are starving children in Africa who'd be grateful for them'.

That is, he minimises your feelings and shuts down your rational arguments. He likes to 'win' arguments. He hasn't recognised yet that, in a marriage, 'winning' is losing. He stands to lose everything he really values - you, the marriage, maybe living with his child - for the sake of believing himself to be right.

That's an extreme outcome. Hopefully it won't come to that. He needs to decide that his marriage is more important than his freedom to make big decisions unilaterally, like a single man, if he wants to avoid becoming one again, though.

11 days a week working between is not normal at all. How low can your incomes be?