To think this is not the norm for "lots of people"?

[fedupwiththis22]

DP and I have a 16 month old. He works long shifts, lots of 6am starts and 9pm finishes, and weekends etc. I'm starting to feel like I spend so much time alone I'm almost a single mum (yes, I know I'm not because we have a 2nd income etc, but that's just how I feel because of how much time I spend alone with my DD).

I mostly just get on with it but this morning as he left for work again it really got to me, so I said I'm feeling really down about it all, I just want a normal family life where we get the occasional day to spend together, He said "lots of families don't see each other on weekends due to work".

I disagreed with him and said I really don't think how little time we spend together is the norm!

Anyway. AIBU to think one day a month together as a family on average is not the norm?

Also - AIBU to really miss him and family time?? I feel lonely so much of the time. I love my DD so much, but we had her to be a family and now we are hardly functioning as one. 😣

The best thing about mumsnet imho is that it let's you think something through including how you want to express it. Sounds like you have done that in this post. Why not just tell him what you have written here?

If he responds badly then that's on him because it is very reasonable.

Do you need the money? If he stopped the overtime would you struggle?

I know lots of families where either one or both partners rely on overtime in order to survive.

Someone asked if he is self employed - No, he's not. He in a public sector job where it's basically a lot of shift work and there's always plenty of overtime available. So he takes advantage of that.

@SpringRainbow

We could definitely survive on a lesser number of hours of overtime. We would have fewer luxuries for sure, but we would be more than fine. He doesn't want us to be just "fine". He wants the extra disposable income.

its a difficult one because while family time is important, its doesn't pay the gas bill.....and its possible that he feels bad about it too so gets defensive because he hears your sadness as being his fault.
I mean first question is what does your budget look like? Do you actually need the money? If you do need it, could you adjust your lifestyle to need less money and could this mean that your partner can do less overtime?

I think sometimes it can help to park your feelings, and I know that can be hard, adn look at the facts.

so ok he wants disposable income...what does that disposable income go to buy?

OP you keep talking about 'family time' but what do you mean?

Me and DH technically could spend both days every weekend all together, we don't though. He goes out to gym, football, with friends etc, and me the same i'll go see friends etc. Sometimes he'll take DD or i'll have her. Some weekends we'll spend the days at home, but he'll be doing whatever he wants and me as well. We have the evenings together and maybe once every 3 or 4 weeks we'll go on a day trip out all together. We wouldn't want to spend oir whole day off together, and with a 16 month old, family time is short and sweet between meals/naps/tantrums etc

It would be good if he was at least home 1 day every weekend as then you can all spend time together if you both want, but i think you hqve an idealised view of what family time really is.

Perhaps all the talk about cost of living etc is getting to him and he wants to mitigate this. Can you look at your finances and agree what level of overtime is needed /ok and agree a better work/life balance for him? I think some men feel a bit of a spare part when children are younger and come into their own later when children have hobbies etc. Not saying that's OK, and it is sad to have missed out. You sound unhappy , I can totally see why so all you can do is talk to him about it.

I have one weekend a month with DH due to work. It's not ways easy, sending solidarity!

Is he used to having a large disposable income? Did his parents struggle with money when he was little and he wants to ensure you don’t struggle like he did? Has he become anxious about the cost of living? Is he trying to save up for something in particular?

I think you need to get to the bottom of why it’s so important for him to have disposable income really?

When he says he wants the extra disposable income, what does he want it for?

Because at the moment, as you describe it, he is spending 95% of his time working so there is not a lot of time to be enjoying the disposable income.

There needs to be a balance between having extra income, which provides security and nice to have things, and never having any time to together.

At the moment it sounds as if you are on Team Time and he is on Team Stuff - somehow both of you need to meet in the middle.

@Youcancallmeirrelevant

When I say family time I mean small things like a walk in the park with DD and helping her to feed the ducks, maybe a little picnic, maybe a couple hours at a soft play with her. Just small things like that. I do all those things alone. I'm not talking about big days out, I get that she's too young for that.

We have our own time for the gym etc too. We both have gym memberships and we manage to get a balance of each of us going. Like I said he comes in from work and takes over if he's not working late, and he will tell me to "do whatever I want to", like have a shower/bath, go to the gym or go for a run etc. And he does the gym some non working evenings too once he's settled DD for bed. So we have those things. We just don't have much that's "together".

It really depends on what you mean by “fewer luxuries” imo. How much disposable income do you have at the minute with him working his current hours? Is that your savings or could you save on top?
If he cut the overtime would have enough buffer for the increase in energy costs of £200 or even more per month this winter? Plus savings for emergencies?

Im not saving it’s easy to be in your situation, but many people do work opposite shifts with young children to survive.
If reducing the overtime means never having a holiday, really penny pinching in the supermarket and having no savings for a new car incase of a breakdown, or a new boiler then I can understand why “fine” wouldn’t be acceptable for him.

Sorry you're feeling it too! It's hard isn't it 😞

Tell him you need for him to stop taking the piss and stay home more . End of. Either that he gets a new job!

I think you have different values. He values money and the things it can buy over time, and you value time over money and the things it can buy. In order to have a happy relationship you need to find a balance, and if you are unhappy it sounds like that balance is not being found. I would have a conversation with him and explain that you are lonely and unhappy. That you value him as more than a provider of the material side of things, you enjoy his time and company and are feeling like he is prioritising over time over you too often.

I do think that your life is Normal and that lots of people live this way. That it will increase because of fear of the current economic situation right now as well. But that doesn't mean it's the right way to live for everyone or that you have to live that way. Lots of women are very unhappy that they are left holding the baby and cleaning the house whilst their spouse is earning extra money. If he is concerned about mine could you restore the balance a bit by working yourself? It might restore some balance in your relationship, and ease the burden he feels as the earner. I think that a lot of men are told that their role in the family is to bring in the income and provide financially, and that this becomes more pronounced when their partner Is a SAHP. It's very hard to rebalance that and for one partner to feel less stressed about earning and the other less burdened with all things at home without the other party bringing in some kind of income however supplementary

My dh works ridiculously long hours,he doesn’t have set hours as he’s an engineer,he can’t leave the job till it’s fixed,he’s on call two weeks a month also,so no we don’t see him much.

What’s your childcare situation?

If you go up to 5 days a week, would that offset some of the overtime he does in terms of bringing in more money?

Do you have anything to show for all this over time and extra money.

I'm gonna be accused of all sorts here but id be totally suspicious tbh. Hes acting like a single man. And thinks throwing some cash at the situation absolves him of anything.

It would be different of you were struggling and had no choice but if you'd be OK if he did less hours then what's he doing them for.

The kid won't care fir years what he does or doesn't have. But he will find his dad to be a stranger soon enough if this keeps up.

I would wonder if he was actually working all that time.

It’s the norm for plenty of people but yanbu to want to live a different way. I feel like I thrive around family and I don’t get that anymore. I will be changing it as soon as I can.

Does he need to do the overtime or is he just doing it to get out of parenting? It doesn’t seem like enough time together to me, I would only want to do this for a short time period or if there was significant financial need.

How many hours is he working a week? Does he get week days off?

I’m surprised how many people say it’s ‘normal’ to spend one day a month together as a family, and no evenings at all if he’s always working until 9. This isn’t even approaching ‘normal’ for anyone I know and my DH works long hours so the children don’t see him Monday to Friday. I think your situation sounds really hard and lonely and I feel for you but others are probably providing more helpful responses

I don’t think this is the norm at all.
I’d hate that king of set up.
As pp said, I think he’s trying to escape the majority of the ‘tedium’ of having a young child.

You're so so far away from being a single parent OP. It's insulting.

I get it. I really do. My ex spent 5.5 days a week at work when my dc was young and that was hard. Really hard. The money wasn't great for the hours he did either. But he left at 6am, came in at 7pm and then did nothing at all around the house. Nothing. Never changed a nappy, never did bedtime, never got up with the dc, never did anything around the house, never cooked.

That's shit. And when I finally found the strength to leave him (as we were so so far apart in terms of what we considered a healthy family life/relationship) I started out on my own with 2 dc. Nobody to talk to about my day. Nobody to discuss the dc with. Nobody else to chat about decisions to do with the house, the finances, the kids.

I get it. You're lonely in your relationship and resent the time that your dh spends away from you and dc.

But you are not alone. You have the money and (when he's there) the extra person to share EVERYTHING.

You need to make plans without him. Find some groups to go to. Make weekend plans. Spend some of the cash he's earning to fill the gaps.