Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adults only party

235 replies

Lostmywaysomuch · 29/07/2022 19:22

Recently been invited to a big party (25th wedding anniversary) on DHs side of the family. It sounds like it'll be fabulous, its a party abroad, at an exclusive venue for adults only. Would require at least 3 days/2 nights away from home.

It feels a bit much for guests to have to get childcare for DC4 and DC7 for at least 3 full days over a long weekend. For context, there is no family we can leave DC with as all DH family will be at the party and there is noone on my side who can do it. So AIBU to feel a bit sidelined that I'll probably have to stay at home with DC while DH attends the party on his own?

OP posts:
PrinceOfPegging · 29/07/2022 19:43

I’d be asking him what would be your equivalent trip if he does go without you.

Mally100 · 29/07/2022 19:46

PrinceOfPegging · 29/07/2022 19:43

I’d be asking him what would be your equivalent trip if he does go without you.

That's quite Petty. It's his family, so if anyone should be staying with the kids its the op.

PenguinBarnotBird · 29/07/2022 19:48

YANBU I would feel the same.

Its (presumably) PILs party & therefore their decision who is invited, they’re demonstrating what & who they value.

I think I would cheerfully wave DH off to attend but factor in this (new?) insight in all future interactions….

Antarcticant · 29/07/2022 19:48

Could you all go, make it into a mini-break, and each spend some time at the party while the other looks after the DC?

SarahSissions · 29/07/2022 19:48

I think people are well within they’re rights to have a nice swanky party without a 4 year old there. Kids change the vibe completely. If you can’t organise childcare then you can’t go- I’m not sure what the AIBU is here?

luxxlisbon · 29/07/2022 19:50

It feels a bit much for guests to have to get childcare for DC4 and DC7 for at least 3 full days over a long weekend.

Nope, if you don’t want to get childcare or leave your kids then don’t.
You aren’t forced to attend.

hesttreat · 29/07/2022 19:50

It's their 25 wedding anniversary party and their rules, same as weddings.

Kite22 · 29/07/2022 19:51

You don't 'have to' though.

It is an invitation.

Those who can go, go.
Those for whom it would be difficult - indeed, who do not want to go, can reply, thanking them for the invitation but saying you are unable to attend.

Obviously by choosing such a venue / set up they have made a choice which will impact on quite a few people / families and they will no doubt be expecting that some people can't come.

It is a shame - if it is something you would have attended pre-dc - but obviously it is part of a decision to become parents. Obviously there will be things that logistically you can no longer do. Whether you decide to choose for you both not to go or for your dh to go and you not, is up to you. We've done different things over the years. This time soon passes and you get to a stage when you can more easily leave your dc Smile

hesttreat · 29/07/2022 19:53

hesttreat · 29/07/2022 19:50

It's their 25 wedding anniversary party and their rules, same as weddings.

Although having said that I wouldn't exclude children from either!

Original poster
Lostmywaysomuch · 29/07/2022 19:53

I would like to go, but having costed it up it'll be more than £800 in paid childcare and it just feels like I've been deliberately sidelined and assumed I'll stay at home with DC while DH attends.

It's dressed up as adults only party but really its an excuse for ILs to celebrate without me as all DH family can go but we are the ones who need childcare.

OP posts:
Antarcticant · 29/07/2022 19:56

its an excuse for ILs to celebrate without me

I take it you don't get on with them.

hesttreat · 29/07/2022 19:58

Lostmywaysomuch · 29/07/2022 19:53

I would like to go, but having costed it up it'll be more than £800 in paid childcare and it just feels like I've been deliberately sidelined and assumed I'll stay at home with DC while DH attends.

It's dressed up as adults only party but really its an excuse for ILs to celebrate without me as all DH family can go but we are the ones who need childcare.

You don't like them, it's best to stay at home.

Thehop · 29/07/2022 19:58

Even if you need to stay home I’d tell them you’re going and dh is watching the kids just to have my suspicions conformed and watch them squirm!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/07/2022 19:59

Surely anyone with kids that’s quite an ask, I can hire a babysitter for an evening not for several
nights. Tbh I’d ask DH to not go, since his family are Causing you to be lumbered with the kids alone.

MoodyTwo · 29/07/2022 19:59

Unless you have a massive drip feed coming, I don't see how the in-laws have booked such an amazing 25th anniversary...
just so you don't go ...
All the family go, and take turns going to the functions , and then spend your down time all together ?

Original poster
Lostmywaysomuch · 29/07/2022 20:01

I am the only DIL, DH has 4 sisters. The other grandchildren in the family are all older teens or adults themselves so they're all fine without childcare for this type of event and its just me and DH with young children. I do feel that MIL favours her daughter's families over ours.

Its just opened my eyes to how we're the least important part of the extended family. We get on great with all SILs and nephews/neices.

OP posts:
britneyisfree · 29/07/2022 20:02

Do you all not get along then? Why do you think they've intentionally left you out?

Maybe they just like the venue.

Ridiculous of pps to suggest you say you're going while he stays home. It's his family, why would they want you instead of him?!
It isn't really their fault you can't get childcare from your side of the family to be fair.

RoseAndRose · 29/07/2022 20:04

Could you take the DC and hire a babysitter there just for the duration of the adults-only party?

Do they live somewhere near places that would make for good family outings whilst you're there?

MichelleScarn · 29/07/2022 20:04

Lostmywaysomuch · 29/07/2022 19:53

I would like to go, but having costed it up it'll be more than £800 in paid childcare and it just feels like I've been deliberately sidelined and assumed I'll stay at home with DC while DH attends.

It's dressed up as adults only party but really its an excuse for ILs to celebrate without me as all DH family can go but we are the ones who need childcare.

Do you really not get on with them to the extent you think that their entire anniversary celebrations are planned around avoiding you?

hesttreat · 29/07/2022 20:08

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/07/2022 19:59

Surely anyone with kids that’s quite an ask, I can hire a babysitter for an evening not for several
nights. Tbh I’d ask DH to not go, since his family are Causing you to be lumbered with the kids alone.

Jesus lumbered with the kids alone?

Can a parent never just parent their kids alone, for a weekend?

Why is it lumbered?

Circleofshells · 29/07/2022 20:10

Lostmywaysomuch · 29/07/2022 19:53

I would like to go, but having costed it up it'll be more than £800 in paid childcare and it just feels like I've been deliberately sidelined and assumed I'll stay at home with DC while DH attends.

It's dressed up as adults only party but really its an excuse for ILs to celebrate without me as all DH family can go but we are the ones who need childcare.

Yeah it’s pretty annoying, I understand it for a wedding, for an anniversary there should really be an option to just get childcare on-site. Maybe you should all go, and you and your DH can take turns looking after the children?

Original poster
Lostmywaysomuch · 29/07/2022 20:10

The party is in Ibiza, its going to be some kind of all day/night thing as far as I can tell. We've been told that the entire venue is adults only so if we wanted to bring DC we'd need to stay in a different hotel from everyone else and then find a local babysitter. My DC4 is not good with strangers.

I'm OK with not going, just annoyed how its been arranged so that its really hard for me to attend. MIL will behave that she's offended when I decline the invitation and then blame it on me for not finding childcare and I don't want to be seen as the problem.

OP posts:
Kite22 · 29/07/2022 20:11

MichelleScarn · 29/07/2022 20:04

Do you really not get on with them to the extent you think that their entire anniversary celebrations are planned around avoiding you?

Show quote history

This is what I was going to ask.

Not sure what sort of a ego relationship you have with them that you think they are actually going to go to the trouble and expense of planning a mass celebration abroad purely so they can exclude you Confused

It really isn't their fault, or responsibility that you don't have anyone you could ask do do this if you really wanted to go. Though, as you clearly don't like them, I am not sure why you would want to go.

MangshorJhol · 29/07/2022 20:11

Why can’t you travel with the kids and then book a babysitter there? That won’t be 800 pounds…

MuffinMcLayLikeABundleOfHay · 29/07/2022 20:12

Confused Why would you want to go to a party celebrating people you think hate you?

Swipe left for the next trending thread