Adults only party

[Lostmywaysomuch]

Recently been invited to a big party (25th wedding anniversary) on DHs side of the family. It sounds like it'll be fabulous, its a party abroad, at an exclusive venue for adults only. Would require at least 3 days/2 nights away from home.

It feels a bit much for guests to have to get childcare for DC4 and DC7 for at least 3 full days over a long weekend. For context, there is no family we can leave DC with as all DH family will be at the party and there is noone on my side who can do it. So AIBU to feel a bit sidelined that I'll probably have to stay at home with DC while DH attends the party on his own?

Not sure why it's a drip? You've gone from this party without me, to four times a year for eight years.

So this is a place they like to go and is adult only, they've chosen to have their anniversary celebration somewhere that means something to them. Not every event needs to be about children. Pre DS we only ever went to adult only hotels etc and once he is grown we will resume doing the same.

Your ego send to suggest this elaborate party/holiday has been solely organised to exclude you, when actually it's just two people doing what they want to do. It's not their fault you have no childcare. FWIW in our family whoever's patents weren't celebrating would have the children, regardless of distance, so we could spend. They'd stay over at ours and I know that because MIL did it so we could go to a wedding in another country. Your PIL aren't responsible for your childcare arrangements or lack thereof.

Other excursions I'm not sure why you think they are adult only, DS is 3 and has been both fishing and sailing with us

I kind of understand your POV, however, I think you're making a mistake letting DH deal with it. You need to bring it up with her directly and ask her exactly what you should do with the children for 72 hours? And wait for her answer. I did similar with my MIL when she arranged an event miles away when I was (and she knew I'd be ) 2 weeks PP. Oh my Lord, she was soooo offended, until I asked her to give me the derails of how I was supposed to manage it. I couldn't sit for more than about half an hour, first time mother so didn't have a clue, bloody miles away, it'll be a relaxing break, whatever). Oddly enough, she found it difficult to solve the problems we had to overcome.

Just ask her. How am I supposed to do it?

DS is 3 and has been both fishing and sailing with us

Indeed. I grew up in a sailing and riding family and we all sailed and rode from a young age. The right sized life-jacket and so on and sailing is a wonderful activity to learn.

But maybe there’s a mismatch between what theOP likes doing and was brought up doing, and her husband’s family’s preferred activities. Also it may be a matter of income (or even social class?) and the OP isn’t used to this sort of family life. Maybe she wants to focus on her nuclear family - just DH and the DC - or isn’t used to such large and generous family get-togethers.

But OP you need to stop doing the martyr act. It does you and your children no good at all. If you want to, arrange child-free time away for yourself. Don’t carp about not doing it, do it!

What did your DS do when you were fishing?

The fishing I'm talking about involves standing in the river or fishing from a small rowing boat. Usually takes up a full day going along all the different beats. The riverbanks are steep and narrow and there are occasional stray flies if someone casts badly. The ghillie won't take responsibility for any children. It might be Ok for a placid 6+ year old who likes to watch or could take a book but not much fun for preschoolers unless I'm missing some secret, in which case do tell!

Same for sailing, unless there is a dinghy sailing school that will take preschoolers

Its actually been going on for over 8 years. I've had one weekend away with my friends in that time, it was before DC4 was born and when DC8 was a preschooler.

I think you need to separate things out in your head. Your DH goes to family events 4 times a year without reference to you? Your youngest is now 4 so you could feasibly do the same (with your friends, family, alone, whatever you like) without reference to him. Would you do that?

Do you really want to spend time with people who you think don't want to spend time with you? I wouldn't. So I don't. Anything with the ILs happens without me unless i really want to go to it (the occasional wedding because i love weddings). They have stopped asking - possibly because they have worked out i think they are gin-raddled racist harpy's but i can't be sure. They most certainly think I'm stuck up and do call me posh. I can live with that.

But our situation is different because we always discuss absences first.

How do the other cousins have strong relationships with the GP's, unless its because they went on these trips you say aren't suitable for children? They didn't just suddenly start going at 14 and have instant strong connections

Its confirmed me and DC stand at the bottom of the pecking order with his family.

How so? It just sounds like you and DH’s timing for a family was off in the greater scheme of his family dynamics. I’m guessing when other siblings had kids the activities were a bit more child friendly but then they grew up somewhat and everyone cheered and finally being able to do stuff people wanted as opposed were forced into due to young kids. Then you guys come along as outliers and people don’t want to revert to shit activities together when they can do great fun activities. I’m guessing if they revert back to what was probably done when the other kids were young then you will get a whole bunch of resentful people just sitting around throwing daggers and looking at watches constantly, which won’t be fun for you either.

It just seems like a case of bad timing, not some deliberate slight against you and your kids!

The older cousins live closer by and MIL looked after them once a week or so when they were preschool aged so they've always spent more time together. Its not about that. The weekend trips didn't start happening until the other grandchildren were older.

Looking back a lot of this is due to DH and I having our family much later in life than SILs and that's just one of those things, nothing I can do about it.

Sounds like PILs were closely involved in the cousin's lives, but have forgotten that there is still a young DGC in the family.

To reiterate others, you have a DH problem. He should be sitting out some of these trips and for the abroad one saying "Oh that's a real shame that it's adults only. Much as I'd love to come I'll need to check if we can get childcare before I commit or back out if we can't."

I'd start being very blunt with MIL. Don't shrug your shoulders and mumble. "You've booked a child free hotel MIL, and it would cost £800 for childcare for the weekend, therefore I can't come. Have a good time."

Maybe start coming along to some of the UK trips. Make DH bear some responsibility for looking after his own DCs. He should also be a bit annoyed about this - that's his DC that they're effectively pretending doesn't exist so they can do adult only pursuits. Except sounds like he likes it a bit too much - free holidays without having to look after his own DC.