Adults only party

[Lostmywaysomuch]

Recently been invited to a big party (25th wedding anniversary) on DHs side of the family. It sounds like it'll be fabulous, its a party abroad, at an exclusive venue for adults only. Would require at least 3 days/2 nights away from home.

It feels a bit much for guests to have to get childcare for DC4 and DC7 for at least 3 full days over a long weekend. For context, there is no family we can leave DC with as all DH family will be at the party and there is noone on my side who can do it. So AIBU to feel a bit sidelined that I'll probably have to stay at home with DC while DH attends the party on his own?

Its PILs party. MIL second marriage. PILs are in their 70s but living life to the full! They discovered Ibiza about 15 years ago after FIL retired and they go for a few weeks every year now.

My DH is the youngest child from MIL first marriage and was relatively old when having our DC due to fertility issues. SILs either have adult/older teen DC or are child free.

OllyBJolly it must be one of the OP's husband's sister's anniversary - I initially assumed she meant her PIL's anniversary but then thought the dates don't make sense as you say. In fact she just says an anniversary on DH 's side of the family.

I agree the sister quite likely hasn't given childcare any thought, and really doesn't have to (though if she was close to her brother surely she would have... unless he'd given the impression he'd happily attend stag...) The discussion of MIL being offended by the OP not going made it look like MIl's party, but actually lots of parents do take offense on their offspring 's behalf even where the offspring themselves is utterly unbothered...

I really do think this is another case of a DH (not very D) problem more than a SIL/ MIL/ party problem, because he simply told his family he'd be attending without discussing it with his wife at all even to check logistics.

Why would you want to bring dc anyway? It's not dc friendly. It's unfortunate you don't have childcare but it's your dh family so he should go, I assume if it was the other way around you would go and he'd stay? That's how we've always worked it in our family if we couldn't get childcare.

oh cross posted about whose party it is!

PILs in their 70s go to Ibiza every year! Good for them I guess!

"D"H problem - this should be a genuine discussion not a foregone conclusion.

Yes I really do understand what you are saying…DH can stay at home and you can party 🎉

@Lostmywaysomuch that is very frustrating he should have checked with you first. Some families do sort of act like to the SOs and even children of their children are optional extras, not part of the core group.
This can be because outsiders don’t abide by the codes of the core unit (original family), which could be as a result of “emeshed” family dynamics. It tends to happen if the family is exclusively focused on the needs of one or both parents to the exclusion of all else, even in adulthood and when “the kids” have their own families. Have you heard of this idea before, emeshed families, does it sound like it could fit?

Hey- Don’t be upset.try channeling your negative emotions into planning your next long weekend away somewhere nice with some friends. 🍹

They are your in laws not your parents. You can't go to the party and that's it. Don't make it all about you and you will feel much better. I would be glad to avoid it personally.

@RampantIvy People leave their kids in holiday clubs or go down for dinner with listening devices. (I don’t and I wouldn’t) but it’s not that uncommon. And these are older children who are presumably entirely verbal. But it’s clear OP is uncomfortable with this anyway so as I said in a way it doesn’t matter where this is. The Ibiza bit is a red herring. Other than it being in OP’s hometown or vicinity childcare would have been an issue anyway.

Also the reason the OP is being left with the kids is because the party is on DH’s side. What would be unreasonable if OP’s parents had a party in Ibiza and she had to stay at home and her DH went.

One of the perks and downsides of kids is that there are things you can avoid/can’t go to. That doesn’t mean that the original event is intended as a slight.
Should DH have said yes without asking OP? Not at all.
Is this entire party being designed to exclude OP? Almost certainly not.

It definitely sounds like they havnt considered you at all in all this and probably don’t care if you go or not.

Your DH is being a complete dick by not thinking of you in this. There is no way my DH would go without me to something like this. I would be pulling him up in this and tell him you and his children should be his priority and your the only members of the family being left out, is he is truly happy with his family excluding his wife and children.

I understand it’s the inlaws decision what they do for their anniversary, but to deliberately arrange such a big event knowing you and your children are the only ones who would not be able to attend is a shitty thing to do.

Can't any of your DH's Nephews/nieces look after the kids, as it seems they're not going on the trip?

I can understand why you’re pissed off, if I were you I’d let him go on his own, because tbh I wouldn’t want to go with him. It does sound like your H doesn’t care he’s going on his own. That would concern me, a lot.

I am really close with my parents and they wouldn't even consider arranging a family event that would exclude one of their DCs partners because they'd have to stay at home to look after children. I guess your ILs have a right to do whatever they please but it definitely isn't how we would do things and I always find it quite sad how dismissive of close families many people on MN are. I can't imagine being so selfish towards my DCs.

If the teens are going on the trip but not the party would they be able to look after your DCs?

I'd also be pretty upset if DH said yes without discussing first.

This is proof you AIBVU and selfish. You know they have retired and go to Ibiza regularly and that’s how they live their life but you create a post like they intentionally planned tbd Larry in Ibiza to exclude you. No they planned it there because they love it there and it means something to them.

It’s obvious you can’t go so drop it and move on.

@Lostmywaysomuch also your husband should have spoken to you before accepting but I doubt that eoild have changed that outcome unless you pressured him to decline which lead to resentment as he is close to his parents and he being there is more important than you same as you being at your parents party will be more important than he being there.

I'm sorry but that's a little me me me.

I highly doubt that live their life around you. And I highly doubt their choice of venue has anything to do with you.

They have had a long marriage and went to celebrate. They've chosen a nice adults only venue. Because THEY want it.

If and when I retire or get to that stage, I'd choose child free too.

You need to think about this from their perspective. They have a life outside of you.

I hope your children in law don't act in the same way as you would!

How would you feel if your son didn't attend your anniversary because his wife said he can't go if she can't.

It's very controlling.

As an aside, have to laugh at all the people on here volunteering the poor teens for babysitting 😂. I mean they’re going to Ibiza presumably, or at worst they have the house to themselves for a long weekend, either way I’m pretty sure they would be outraged to discover neither was the case and they instead have to look after their little cousins- now that would be truly cruel.

Is it a sil or bil celebration so understandabley less centering of you and dc?
Just realised it's only 25th anniversary so not your pil party?

Can you take your DC to stay with your 6 hours away relatives for a week, so they can mind them and you go to the party?

This

Just let your husband go, it's his family and crack on dont loose sleep over it

I live in a different headspace to everyone here. Having been on the receiving end of this selfish invite-who-you-want-it's-your-party culture, on both the invitee (while others aren't) & only ones left out, watching the rest of friends/family go, it's very hurtful. It has always ended with fractured relationships.

If you have a party, consider who you want to invite, plan a venue & celebration around that. Why have an adults only venue if it excludes someone? OP's DH should have pointed the problem out early, since he's so close to his DM. 'oh, we won't be able to come if it's adults only. We've no one to watch the kids & I can't leave OP behind.' Tbh it's obvious no one's considered OP at all. Since when it that ok? I feel sad society has become so self absorbed.

OP, please tell your DH while he's away you'll be planning your own dream getaway, even if it's alone, while he stays home with the kids.

It's very sad that none of your own family will make an effort to make sure you can go to the celebration too. Why aren't you annoyed at them for not helping out on a one off occasion like this?

If DS is at nursery, have you considered asking one of the nursery nurses to come with you to babysit? Still might be cheaper that a weekend babysitter? I'm sure they would love a weekend away in Ibiza.

Good grief, enough with the moaning and self-pity. This is what happens when you have small children. If this party were for your family, you would be going and your husband would be staying home with the kids.