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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adults only party

235 replies

Lostmywaysomuch · 29/07/2022 19:22

Recently been invited to a big party (25th wedding anniversary) on DHs side of the family. It sounds like it'll be fabulous, its a party abroad, at an exclusive venue for adults only. Would require at least 3 days/2 nights away from home.

It feels a bit much for guests to have to get childcare for DC4 and DC7 for at least 3 full days over a long weekend. For context, there is no family we can leave DC with as all DH family will be at the party and there is noone on my side who can do it. So AIBU to feel a bit sidelined that I'll probably have to stay at home with DC while DH attends the party on his own?

OP posts:
PugInTheHouse · 30/07/2022 00:34

Widgetdidget - surely if you gave a shit whether your son attended or not you wouldn't organise a family event his partner couldn't attend.

spirit20 · 30/07/2022 00:38

I actually think it's a bit poor form of your in-laws to arrange such a party. Surely part of celebrating a wedding anniversary is celebrating the people that have 'come' from that marriage so to speak, and that would include grandchildren. It would be different if it were a birthday or something.

I don't think you can hold this against your husband, expect him to stay at home on principle or resent him for going.

I would maybe however go back to in-laws and say that you're not sure if he can make it as you have a super-important work thing that weekend, and might need husband to mind the children, just to see what reaction you get..

5foot5 · 30/07/2022 00:42

Circleofshells · 29/07/2022 23:54

As an aside, have to laugh at all the people on here volunteering the poor teens for babysitting 😂. I mean they’re going to Ibiza presumably, or at worst they have the house to themselves for a long weekend, either way I’m pretty sure they would be outraged to discover neither was the case and they instead have to look after their little cousins- now that would be truly cruel.

I was just about to post this exact same thing! What teenagers can you think of who would be willing to fly out to Ibiza and then miss out on a fabulous party in order to babysit a couple of infants.

Sorry OP but if you are the only ones with small children I think it really is just one of those things. Unless you expect everything to be rearranged to accommodate your two young ones.

Thatswhyimacat · 30/07/2022 00:50

I think it's a bit self involved of you to assume the whole thing has been arranged to exclude you - unfortunately you've got young kids so are in the restricted phase of life, you're in the minority, people shouldn't have to arrange everything to suit you.

whumpthereitis · 30/07/2022 01:29

They’ve planned the party exactly how they want it, as they’re perfectly entitled to do. Presumably they’re the ones paying for it too.

Family or not, not every event is going to be child friendly.

maddy68 · 30/07/2022 01:31

Most ,50 yr olds don't have kids around them. I wouldt want children at mine either. Go if you can but only if you want to and are able to. You are not obliged completely up to you

Scottishskifun · 30/07/2022 01:38

Mally100 · 29/07/2022 19:46

That's quite Petty. It's his family, so if anyone should be staying with the kids its the op.

Show quote history

It's not petty parenting is about equal responsibility therefore if her husband is getting a 3 day holiday celebration whilst the OP does the childcare then it's only fair that the OP gets the opportunity to have child free trip as well!

OP your DH is going by the sounds of it so work out what you wish to do (long weekend with a friend somewhere?) and say that's fine I will stay with the kids but I'm going to have a trip away when I chose to too.

BorderlineHappy · 30/07/2022 02:06

So AIBU to feel a bit sidelined that I'll probably have to stay at home with DC while DH attends the party on his own?

They are not your parents though.
Would you really hand on heart stay at home if your dp had a big party and allow your dh to go.For some strange reason i dont think you would.

I think you think way too much of yourself.The party is not in your honour.
End of story.

SheSaidHummingbird · 30/07/2022 03:34

If there are tensions in the relationships, and if you have the impression that MIL isn't amiable towards you, why on earth would you want to go? A party in Ibiza sounds great, but I couldnt' enjoy being anywhere in the world if the company is poor.

hesttreat · 30/07/2022 03:55

Lostmywaysomuch · 29/07/2022 21:50

I don't have friends locally that are good enough to ask for 3 full days of babysitting for 2 DC.

I work full time and don't know the parents at school or nursery that well. Most of my family are 6 hours away and the ones within an hour of us are elderly and wouldn't be able to manage more than a few hours of daytime babysitting.

I'm pretty much resigned to not going I'm just pissed off about it as I feel its always assumed I'll be the one who stays with DC and DH can just go to this fancy party without me.

Always assumed? How often has it happened?how many swanky parties has he been to with out you?

I'm confused on one hand you don't seem to like your in laws or want to go, on the other you seem to be angry you can't go?

Goldbar · 30/07/2022 06:03

Lostmywaysomuch · 29/07/2022 21:53

DH replied to the invitation to say he was going without asking me about it first. I'm also pissed off about that, but that's a separate issue. He speaks to his DM nearly every day and they are very close so he was always going to go.

In this case, I would tell him that you're also planning to be away that weekend so what's he going to do about arranging childcare?

This would piss me off, whereas I would be fine about the actual party. He's assuming childcare is solely your responsibility.

housepilot · 30/07/2022 06:08

Lostmywaysomuch · 29/07/2022 19:53

I would like to go, but having costed it up it'll be more than £800 in paid childcare and it just feels like I've been deliberately sidelined and assumed I'll stay at home with DC while DH attends.

It's dressed up as adults only party but really its an excuse for ILs to celebrate without me as all DH family can go but we are the ones who need childcare.

I doubt the party has been planned around deliberately sidelining you. They've just decided to do the party they choose rather than compromise solely for your benefit. It may feel personal, but it's about them, not you. And they're not being selfish. It's literally a party about them. Encourage your OH to go and be happy for them. Personally, I love the sound of it and would try and get childcare. (Asking friends.)

RoseGoldEagle · 30/07/2022 06:15

I think you’re right, and that they’re simply assuming that DH will go and you will stay home, and aren’t too bothered about that (unless they are assuming you’ll sort out childcare- but realistically most people wouldn’t leave kids your age for this long if they didn’t have family to help). That would upset me a bit to be honest. What is your relationship like with them normally? Fine as a one off event but this could clearly be a lovely get away for all of you, it’s presumably a fair bit of money and DH alone will get to go while you miss out. Understandable if it was a friend’s wedding or something, but this seems a bit thoughtless.

JorisBonson · 30/07/2022 06:20

Cantstandbullshit · 29/07/2022 23:43

This is proof you AIBVU and selfish. You know they have retired and go to Ibiza regularly and that’s how they live their life but you create a post like they intentionally planned tbd Larry in Ibiza to exclude you. No they planned it there because they love it there and it means something to them.

It’s obvious you can’t go so drop it and move on.

Show quote history

This.

HoppingPavlova · 30/07/2022 06:21

Do you really not get on with them to the extent you think that their entire anniversary celebrations are planned around avoiding you?

This. You seem to have a really inflated sense of self-importance to think they have planned a massive costly event entirely around inconveniencing you! I really doubt it’s that deep. They likely just thought ‘what will be our ideal celebration’, this is what they came up with and it just so happens that it doesn’t match your current situation that well and such is life at times. But if you want to make it entirely centric around you, crack on ….

Maybee21 · 30/07/2022 06:26

I would absolutely go, take the children, tell DH that you're all going to have to stay in a different hotel (no big deal, plenty of them in Ibiza) then he can go to the party and you can do some fun things with the kids, they'd love it and some great memories will be made.

GretaVanFleet · 30/07/2022 06:28

PrinceOfPegging · 29/07/2022 19:43

I’d be asking him what would be your equivalent trip if he does go without you.

Just because someone is gaining something it doesn’t mean that the other person is entitled to the equivalent in return. My DH went away to a mutual friend’s wedding and I stayed to take care of our children it never entered my head that I was somehow owed a weekend away and when I have had weekends away DH has been fine with it too. Should we have been keeping a tally going? OP if you’re both happy for one of you to go that’s fine, if not, discuss what the concerns are and take it from there. I personally don’t think either of us would have gone abroad for a family member’s silver wedding celebration, it’s a bit OTT. A family wedding yes, but anniversary nope.

JenniferPlantain · 30/07/2022 06:29

YABVU.

This whole “I’ve been DELIBERATELY sidelined” stance is beyond narcissistic. Are you always so self-centred? (Same Q to all PPs that think the party should apparently be planned around one guest).

They've planned a party. It’s tricky for you to attend. You’re annoyed because it looks fun. END OF STORY.

Grow up.

1FootInTheRave · 30/07/2022 06:30

Neither me nor dh would spend money on this self indulgent nonsense tbh.

We don't even spend the equivalent cost of an ibiza 3 day break on our own anniversaries.

GretaVanFleet · 30/07/2022 06:34

Lostmywaysomuch · 29/07/2022 20:01

I am the only DIL, DH has 4 sisters. The other grandchildren in the family are all older teens or adults themselves so they're all fine without childcare for this type of event and its just me and DH with young children. I do feel that MIL favours her daughter's families over ours.

Its just opened my eyes to how we're the least important part of the extended family. We get on great with all SILs and nephews/neices.

Are the adult GC invited? If not, couldn’t they look after their cousins?

HoppingPavlova · 30/07/2022 06:37

Your DH is being a complete dick by not thinking of you in this. There is no way my DH would go without me to something like this. I would be pulling him up in this and tell him you and his children should be his priority and your the only members of the family being left out, is he is truly happy with his family excluding his wife and children.

That’s ridiculous. DH and I never went anywhere together for many years when ours were kids. We had a few with various SN so even if kids invited it wasn’t suitable. So if my family i’d go. If his family he would go. We both worked, no childcare (worked opposite days/shifts and both ran with no sleep to make it work) so meant we both needed to take time off work to enable one going out/away but for special family events you make the effort. You don’t all have to go together!

The wife and family are not being excluded here as such. It’s a venue that’s not suitable for kids. Theoretically there are work arounds but the easier choice OP and DH are making us one stays at home with kids and given it’s a do for his family the sensible choice is she stays and he goes.

Pinkychilla · 30/07/2022 06:54

Post form Maybee21 I totally agree with would definitely make the most of it and turn it into a family holiday
'I would absolutely go, take the children, tell DH that you're all going to have to stay in a different hotel (no big deal, plenty of them in Ibiza) then he can go to the party and you can do some fun things with the kids, they'd love it and some great memories will be'

MissMaple82 · 30/07/2022 06:59

I'm sensing alot of animosity... stay home, it sounds like your just looking for something to pick at, whilst expecting everyone to organise theor lives around you and your lack of childcare

justfiveminutes · 30/07/2022 07:03

They are having the party at their favourite place, the place they visit every year. They are not doing it to intentionally exclude you. I certainly don't blame them for wanting a big celebration at an adults-only venue, and don't think it makes them bad grandparents. Did they think that your family might step up?

justfiveminutes · 30/07/2022 07:04

"there is noone on my side who can do it."

Is it worth asking?