Page 9 | Adults only party

Lostmywaysomuch · 2022-07-29T18:22:13+00:00

Recently been invited to a big party (25th wedding anniversary) on DHs side of the family. It sounds like it'll be fabulous, its a party abroad, at an exclusive venue for adults only. Would require at least 3 days/2 nights away from home. It feels a bit much for guests to have to get childcare for DC4 and DC7 for at least 3 full days over a long weekend. For context, there is no family we can leave DC with as all DH family will be at the party and there is noone on my side who can do it. So AIBU to feel a bit sidelined that I'll probably have to stay at home with DC while DH attends the party on his own?

Thethreecs · 30/07/2022 17:36

Ooh I totally understand your situation.

You are definitely not in a position to go, whether it was planned like that or just an oversight, only they know.

I had similar when mine were young, everyone seemed to have child free weddings, parties that children could not go to, meals to restaurants very late at night. One time one of my sil organised a wedding anniversary for pil in a late bar that did food, it was to start at 8pm, children had to be off the premises by 9pm. It was a 4 hour journey for us to attend for one hour and most didn't turn up until close to 9pm!

We went to and organised all these events when we'd no children, tbh never even gave it any thought about whether children were allowed, maybe this is what has happened here?

It's difficult for you to arrange childcare for that amount of time, I personally wouldn't be happy getting a stranger abroad minding my children. When you don't have family close enough or able to take your children it does prevent you doing a lot. Many people won't understand this because they have family and friends coming out of their ears who are only too delighted to take their children for that amount of time.

Over the years while mine were growing up dh and myself made the decision that if something was child free only one of us went, he went to his side I went to my side of the family, tbh I wouldn't go alone to his side for a celebration.

It would have been nice to go but unfortunately you can't, all you can do is enjoy the time at home, get take away and treats and have fun with your kids.

whumpthereitis · 30/07/2022 17:52

I wonder if your MIL thinks you’re being difficult because that’s the impression your DH is giving her. Or perhaps he’s outright stating it. Also, if her experience is that she/her daughters readily accessed childcare in similar situations then she’s going to wonder why you can’t. As you think she’s planned this to spite you, she probably thinks you’re purposefully being difficult to spite her.

Your MIL has raised four or five of her own children, then been granny when the majority all had children around the same time. I don’t doubt that she’s spent years putting her own preferences aside in order to accommodate young children. She’s probably now reached the stage where she wants to enjoy life on her own terms. For some people there’s no greater joy in life than having it revolve around kids but that’s not true for everyone, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Circleofshells · 30/07/2022 19:12

Lostmywaysomuch · 30/07/2022 17:19

Anyway thanks for all the viewpoints. Interesting to see how many though IWBU and how many didn't.

I'll definitely be letting DH deal with the fallout from this. Its just one in a long series of things that make me feel unwelcome on his side of the family.

@Lostmywaysomuch his family, specifically his mother, sound like nightmares tbh. I’m sorry they don’t make you feel welcome, whilst also guilt tripping you for not trying hard enough. No pleasing some people!

GoodThinkingMax · 30/07/2022 19:22

YANBU to feel sad at not being able to go.

But why should the whole extended family arrange their plans around your DC? Because you can’t arrange childcare? Is that reasonable? YABU to expect this.

GoodThinkingMax · 30/07/2022 19:27

It's dressed up as adults only party but really its an excuse for ILs to celebrate without me as all DH family can go but we are the ones who need childcare.

Its really not all about you, OP. You seem to have some sort of persecution complex here. Set aside your hurt feelings -be a grown up - Do you really think your MiL plotted to plan her party around the “best” way to exclude just you?

Can you see, looking at it rationally, just how odd that sounds?

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 30/07/2022 19:35

I think yabu.
I can totally understand how someone would want a child free 25 year wedding anniversary party, especially somewhere like Ibiza!
Options - get a separate hotel pay for a babysitter for one night (for the party), spend rest of the holiday enjoying family time
Get one of the older teens to mind the kids for a day or two.
Hire a babysitter where you live for a few days- I used to babysit for my mums boss as a teenager- they liked their parties, they had lovely kids, and it got me money.

Goldbar · 30/07/2022 21:02

GoodThinkingMax · 30/07/2022 19:22

YANBU to feel sad at not being able to go.

But why should the whole extended family arrange their plans around your DC? Because you can’t arrange childcare? Is that reasonable? YABU to expect this.

No, but her husband should arrange his plans around the OP, especially if he's expecting her to take over his share of the childcare while he's away.

GabriellaMontez · 30/07/2022 21:45

If you'd said in your OP that this scenario comes up 4x a year you'd have had very different responses.

GriseldaPlum · 30/07/2022 23:54

It might be a stretch to think they are deliberately excluding you but if they arrange things 4 times a year that your DH attends without you then they must realize there are childcare issues

The oldest child is only 4 so it can't have been going on that long. Given it's a 25th wedding anniversary they've been together a good while. It's not as though OP has been shut out of in-law celebrations for all those decades. It's just while your children are very young it's sometimes difficult. We've all been there surely!?
It all seems a huge fuss about not much to me.

GriseldaPlum · 30/07/2022 23:58

I'd be spending time with my own family and friends who care more about me

You mean the ones who are not up for looking after the children while they go off to the in-laws wedding anniversary party?

GriseldaPlum · 31/07/2022 00:14

while you go off, I meant

ITakeCharge · 31/07/2022 00:18

The oldest child is only 4 so it can't have been going on that long. Given it's a 25th wedding anniversary they've been together a good while. It's not as though OP has been shut out of in-law celebrations for all those decades. It's just while your children are very young it's sometimes difficult. We've all been there surely!?
It all seems a huge fuss about not much to me.

I agree it's difficult with young children but given the husband has been to events without OP due to lack of childcare, they must realize it's an issue. Their party, their choice - they absolutely don't have to accommodate OP & her children, I wasn't suggesting they should, just making the point that they're not bothered about it, and they don't have to be but then I wouldn't waste my own time and effort on them in return.

ITakeCharge · 31/07/2022 00:20

GriseldaPlum · 30/07/2022 23:58

I'd be spending time with my own family and friends who care more about me

You mean the ones who are not up for looking after the children while they go off to the in-laws wedding anniversary party?

I think OP said they live a long distance away and some are elderly so it seems like she doesn't have childcare on tap, not that they don't care, but I may have misunderstood.

jeaux90 · 31/07/2022 00:29

How about the nursery staff? If you want someone you trust and DC4 likes? Could they be approached for a weekend of care in your home?

Our local primary school where my DD13 went had TAs that often did this.

timeisnotaline · 31/07/2022 01:13

jeaux90 · 31/07/2022 00:29

How about the nursery staff? If you want someone you trust and DC4 likes? Could they be approached for a weekend of care in your home?

Our local primary school where my DD13 went had TAs that often did this.

Op said earlier she had a look at professional care and it would cost about £800. That’s a lot!! That’s a whole separate holiday where the dc are not excluded… I wouldn’t do it.

lionsmane22 · 31/07/2022 01:26

and it just feels like I've been deliberately sidelined

Yeah, but you haven't. Its not actually all about you

GoodThinkingMax · 31/07/2022 01:47

Goldbar · 30/07/2022 21:02

No, but her husband should arrange his plans around the OP, especially if he's expecting her to take over his share of the childcare while he's away.

Show quote history

I agree with you @Goldbar - it’s a DH problem really.

But the OP phrased her AIBU in terms of her PiL, and particularly her MiL, whom she seems to resent.

I’m sure there’s a complex back story which we don’t know, but interesting how it’s often the older woman who gets the blame, isn’t it?

StClare101 · 31/07/2022 02:18

I’d say it’s a DH and a PIL problem. The PIL have no right to get upset about the OP not being able to attend a 3 day child free event in another country. It’s like couples who get upset about people not going to their destination weddings.

Your DH sounds like an arse.

everyonesacf · 31/07/2022 05:03

ITakeCharge · 31/07/2022 00:18

The oldest child is only 4 so it can't have been going on that long. Given it's a 25th wedding anniversary they've been together a good while. It's not as though OP has been shut out of in-law celebrations for all those decades. It's just while your children are very young it's sometimes difficult. We've all been there surely!?
It all seems a huge fuss about not much to me.

I agree it's difficult with young children but given the husband has been to events without OP due to lack of childcare, they must realize it's an issue. Their party, their choice - they absolutely don't have to accommodate OP & her children, I wasn't suggesting they should, just making the point that they're not bothered about it, and they don't have to be but then I wouldn't waste my own time and effort on them in return.

It may have only been happening for 4 years but the op has updated that this happens 4 times per year. That's 16 trips that her DH has taken without her and the children. In this case op you don't have a 'dear' husband but a 'dickhead' husband. Op, you absolutely have a DH problem.

Original poster

Lostmywaysomuch · 31/07/2022 07:29

Its actually been going on for over 8 years. I've had one weekend away with my friends in that time, it was before DC4 was born and when DC8 was a preschooler.

PIL invite us to weekends which are not child friendly such as fishing, or sailing weekends. These are at least a 3 hour drive from where we live, sometimes further. All very generous invitations but difficult to attend with young DC. So for the last 8, nearly 9 years usually DH goes and I stay home because why would I go to his family event on my own, and they are not suitable for young children to go to. As a family that means we see PIL once a year at Christmas. My DC have a different relationship with PIL than their older cousins who see PIL more often and who attend a lot of these family weekend trips.

The wedding anniversay is another of these weekends but on a much grander scale. But its a moot point now as I've declined the invitation and I won't see MIL until Christmas this year.

OP posts:

hesttreat · 31/07/2022 07:45

Lostmywaysomuch · 31/07/2022 07:29

Its actually been going on for over 8 years. I've had one weekend away with my friends in that time, it was before DC4 was born and when DC8 was a preschooler.

PIL invite us to weekends which are not child friendly such as fishing, or sailing weekends. These are at least a 3 hour drive from where we live, sometimes further. All very generous invitations but difficult to attend with young DC. So for the last 8, nearly 9 years usually DH goes and I stay home because why would I go to his family event on my own, and they are not suitable for young children to go to. As a family that means we see PIL once a year at Christmas. My DC have a different relationship with PIL than their older cousins who see PIL more often and who attend a lot of these family weekend trips.

The wedding anniversay is another of these weekends but on a much grander scale. But its a moot point now as I've declined the invitation and I won't see MIL until Christmas this year.

Well that's a massive drip!

JorisBonson · 31/07/2022 10:10

Agreed, proper drip. You definitely have a DH problem. If your PIL want to enjoy their retirement years doing things they like then let them crack on.

Original poster

Lostmywaysomuch · 31/07/2022 11:06

Not sure why its a drip. A PP assumed it had been going on for 4 years but its actually since I was pregnant with eldest DC so been going on much longer but never on this scale and usually I'm not so bothered about DH going away for 1 night or a day trip to go fishing and happy to stay with DC.

Given a chance I'd enjoy a party in a luxury hotel and if it had been closer to home I could arrange a babysitter without as much trouble. As I said before I've now declined the invitation and will be leaving DH dealing with the fallout of this between now and Christmas. Its confirmed me and DC stand at the bottom of the pecking order with his family.

OP posts:

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 31/07/2022 11:43

It may be a wee bit of a drip feed OP but it certainly explains why you feel the way you feel a lot better than your first post.

No wonder you feel as hurt as you do. No bloody wonder.

It must be bad enough to realise that his family don’t think you don’t matter. But when your husband reinforces it with his behaviour? It must feel soul destroying.

You matter. You are important. And you need to make yourself feel important as that shower won’t. Time to shine. Your kids will love it.

Make you and your bairns the priority. They can all matter to you as much as you do to them.

Shine ✨

Kite22 · 31/07/2022 11:44

Of course it is a drip.
This has gone from a one off party, to being a regular 4x a year thing.

Still not the MiL's fault as you tried to make out in the OP but an imbalance in your leisure time in your marriage is an issue between you and your dh, and is nothing to do with his mother.

Nor am I sure why this means you an then only see them once a year. Do you and your dh not invite them to yours in between ?