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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adults only party

235 replies

Lostmywaysomuch · 29/07/2022 19:22

Recently been invited to a big party (25th wedding anniversary) on DHs side of the family. It sounds like it'll be fabulous, its a party abroad, at an exclusive venue for adults only. Would require at least 3 days/2 nights away from home.

It feels a bit much for guests to have to get childcare for DC4 and DC7 for at least 3 full days over a long weekend. For context, there is no family we can leave DC with as all DH family will be at the party and there is noone on my side who can do it. So AIBU to feel a bit sidelined that I'll probably have to stay at home with DC while DH attends the party on his own?

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 29/07/2022 20:13

Maybe one of the older teens would babysit for the night, the party is one night i assume?

one of the teens could possibly have zero interest in attending.

MangshorJhol · 29/07/2022 20:13

But you CAN go. And then you and DH can take turns. And it’s a big drip feed that your four year old won’t stay with anyone. At that point it doesn’t matter if it’s Scotland or Ibiza?

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/07/2022 20:14

It’s their party and if they don’t want kids there they don’t.

Either let DH go, but do say that you’d like to do a long w/end w friends next year in return

Or both go and take turns at the party and at the holiday accommodation w the kids

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/07/2022 20:15

YABU BTW!

Floralnomad · 29/07/2022 20:16

You go and leave the husband at home with the kids - that will teach them .

Flossiemoss · 29/07/2022 20:16

If it was me and dh, dh would voluntarily not go on principle.
Its a hard one, I think you keep out of it and let dh explain to his family why you aren’t going. Like you say they aren’t bothered about you so no need to get involved. If mil is going to be funny with you I’d make sure I was low contact for a few months. Why should you get the grief for this?

hesttreat · 29/07/2022 20:17

Lostmywaysomuch · 29/07/2022 20:10

The party is in Ibiza, its going to be some kind of all day/night thing as far as I can tell. We've been told that the entire venue is adults only so if we wanted to bring DC we'd need to stay in a different hotel from everyone else and then find a local babysitter. My DC4 is not good with strangers.

I'm OK with not going, just annoyed how its been arranged so that its really hard for me to attend. MIL will behave that she's offended when I decline the invitation and then blame it on me for not finding childcare and I don't want to be seen as the problem.

So what's the point in looking into childcare costs if your DC won't be happy?

IglesiasPiggl · 29/07/2022 20:17

Thehop · 29/07/2022 19:58

Even if you need to stay home I’d tell them you’re going and dh is watching the kids just to have my suspicions conformed and watch them squirm!

😂😂 Love this! YANBU, it's obvious to them that you'll have trouble making it, so I don't blame you for feeling sidelined.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 29/07/2022 20:18

Interestingly (perhaps) you could presumably take an adult monkey?

ClocksGoingBackwards · 29/07/2022 20:22

You sound like you’re taking this far too personally.

They won’t have decided the venue and everything they want for the party based on how they can exclude you.

They’ve just chosen a venue they like and that suits what they want.

SammyScrounge · 29/07/2022 20:26

just opened my eyes to how we're the least important part of the extended family. We get on great with all SILs and nephews/neices.

Aren't you rather making this all about you? What should your MIL have done? Not throw the party because you can't go?This is a big anniversary and she wants it to be special. Should all family events be cancelled in case you feel victimised? Should you insist your husband doesn-t go to his parents in case you sulk?
Come on now - you are understandably disappointed. Don't let it make you sour enough to spoil your husband's enjoyment of his parents' big Day.

Hardbackwriter · 29/07/2022 20:28

Thehop · 29/07/2022 19:58

Even if you need to stay home I’d tell them you’re going and dh is watching the kids just to have my suspicions conformed and watch them squirm!

Obviously they'll be surprised if she says she's going and their son isn't, because that would be incredibly weird. My parents would be very taken aback if I told them that DH was going to their anniversary party without me. It doesn't mean they hate him or would plan a party purposely to avoid him, and it doesn't seem likely that that's what OP's in-laws have done either.

Goldbar · 29/07/2022 20:32

Why would you want to drag little kids all the way to Ibiza for essentially a long weekend?

As far as I can see, there are three sensible options. The first is your DH goes without you. The second is to make a holiday of it, stay somewhere else for a week or so and either DH goes to the party alone or you get a babysitter for the night. The third is that neither of you go, depending on how bothered your DH is about attending. He might not want to go if all your siblings have their partners there but he'd have to go alone.

PurpleDaisies · 29/07/2022 20:32

Unless there’s huge back story, you’re mad to think they’ve deliberately planned the party as they have to avoid you coming.

MammaWeasel · 29/07/2022 20:33

Just accept the inevitable and plan lots of lovely things to do with the children whilst dh is away

Ragwort · 29/07/2022 20:35

Do you actually want to go to a party in Ibiza or are you just looking for a reason to be annoyed with your ILs?

Movingsoon21 · 29/07/2022 20:37

OP Yanbu, it’s very odd of PIL to organise a family celebration that they know some family won’t be able to make. If they valued you, they would have looked into this venue as an option and then realised “oh no, we can’t have it here as then DIL and DGC won’t be able to make it. Better look elsewhere!” But they didn’t, they booked it anyway.

What kind of crap grandparents don’t want their grandchildren at a wedding anniversary party? So shit of them. My parents have a big anniversary coming up and they will plan their family celebrations around making sure their 2 baby grandchildren can be there. Because they love them and very much see them as part of the family!

in future you should definitely dial back any effort you currently make with them. Hope DH has your back, I’d be gutted if my parents planned a party they knew DH and DC couldn’t make 😔

SunflowerGardens · 29/07/2022 20:37

A 3 day party abroad for an anniversary is a bit much in general even for people who don't have kids. But you can't expect them to plan their party around you and your needs so wave your DH off, plan a fun weekend without him, and make sure you get a night or two with friends child free at some stage too.

cheveux · 29/07/2022 20:48

Absolutely absurd to call people “crap grandparents” for not wanting to have kids at their anniversary party. Not every event has to be child-focussed 🙄

MuffinMcLayLikeABundleOfHay · 29/07/2022 20:48

It's not a three day party is it? It's just a 'day into an evening' but because it's abroad the OP says they will need to go for three days.

caringcarer · 29/07/2022 20:49

I would invite pil put for a nice meal the week before but decline party invite as you don't have childcare.

alnawire · 29/07/2022 20:50

So AIBU to feel a bit sidelined that I'll probably have to stay at home with DC while DH attends the party on his own?

I think you are, yes. You are hardly being sidelined here, the reason you won't be able to go is due to your own circumstances, it's not a personal thing. Just arrange some things to do with DC while your DH is away?

5foot5 · 29/07/2022 21:03

It's dressed up as adults only party but really its an excuse for ILs to celebrate without me as all DH family can go but we are the ones who need childcare.

Oh come on you are bring melodramatic surely! You don't honestly think they have gone to the trouble and expense of arranging a lavish event in this place just so they can exclude you?

Maybe they think there is a chance you can arrange childcare.

Anyway, YABU and if you really can't leave the kids with anyone is it such a big deal for your DH to go on his own while you stay with the DC. Get him to treat you to something nice when he gets back. Though if you really can't leave your 4yo with anyone that could be tricky...

L0bstersLass · 29/07/2022 21:16

Lostmywaysomuch · 29/07/2022 19:53

I would like to go, but having costed it up it'll be more than £800 in paid childcare and it just feels like I've been deliberately sidelined and assumed I'll stay at home with DC while DH attends.

It's dressed up as adults only party but really its an excuse for ILs to celebrate without me as all DH family can go but we are the ones who need childcare.

People don't arrange a party abroad just so that you can't go. You must realise how ridiculous that sounds.
It doesn't sound like you've been deliberately sidelined at all.
It sounds like you're looking for a reason to be offended.
You've said yourself that it sounds like it will be fabulous.
If you can afford it, spend the money on childcare and go and have a great time.

L0bstersLass · 29/07/2022 21:21

Lostmywaysomuch · 29/07/2022 20:10

The party is in Ibiza, its going to be some kind of all day/night thing as far as I can tell. We've been told that the entire venue is adults only so if we wanted to bring DC we'd need to stay in a different hotel from everyone else and then find a local babysitter. My DC4 is not good with strangers.

I'm OK with not going, just annoyed how its been arranged so that its really hard for me to attend. MIL will behave that she's offended when I decline the invitation and then blame it on me for not finding childcare and I don't want to be seen as the problem.

When is this party? Is there time to get your 4 year old accustomed to a local childminder?
This is do-able if you actually want to go.