Adults only party

[Lostmywaysomuch]

Recently been invited to a big party (25th wedding anniversary) on DHs side of the family. It sounds like it'll be fabulous, its a party abroad, at an exclusive venue for adults only. Would require at least 3 days/2 nights away from home.

It feels a bit much for guests to have to get childcare for DC4 and DC7 for at least 3 full days over a long weekend. For context, there is no family we can leave DC with as all DH family will be at the party and there is noone on my side who can do it. So AIBU to feel a bit sidelined that I'll probably have to stay at home with DC while DH attends the party on his own?

That’s ridiculous. DH and I never went anywhere together for many years when ours were kids

Same here. I thought it was the same for everybody. If it was DH's family celebration, he went, and if it was my family do, I went. Both families over 200 miles away so it was always at least two overnights to make the travelling less onerous. Nobody got shirty about it or demanded recompense. Neither of us said we wouldn't go if it wasn't together. It's just how life is when you have very young children. It doesn't last forever. Such a fuss over very little.

You do sound a little entitled OP, PIL can celebrate their silver wedding however they choose, being as they have chosen an adults only hotel, they probably aren’t expecting you, their son or your children to come.

If I was in your shoes, and I have been many times, believe me (MIL favoured her daughters too) I would wish them a lovely holiday, say you are sorry you can’t be there to celebrate their special day. And move on, not worth having a fall out over it.

This is shit. I'd be telling DH that going without you is not on

if money is no object I suppose you could coincide your family holiday with that and get babysitter abroad DH can go to the party. I'd be insisting on him spending the time with you and his own family the rest of the time, not passing off on meals without you.

It's the sidelining of the grandkids I don't get. Your ILs are horrible.

I'm not even sure I'd want to go by the sounds of it!!!
Wave him off, enjoy a day out with the children somewhere and then know that, when the possibility/opportunity/need arises, you can go off and do something with friends or family yourself.
I wouldn't be planning in a "you've had this time so I get that time" sort of way though, that's petty.

They're having the party in their favourite place. It's not like they just chose Ibiza randomly.

Why can't you go and stay in a different hotel and do something with the kids on the day of the party? Make a holiday of it?

You moan a lot. And have a LOT of self pity.

Jusy stay home. You dont seem to like his family anyway. But tell your dh that you'll be going to a mini vacation yourself as well at some stage this year without the kids.

So they love Ibiza and go there all of the time....but you think they are arranging their entire anniversary around excluding you?

Go to Ibiza, all of you.
Stay in a different hotel.
Go to the party. - Either take turns with dh with the babysitting or find a babysitter when you get there.

As an aside my dh went to the Caribbean for his parents wedding anniversary. Golden it was. I didn't go because it would have cost a fortune for all four of us. Nobody would ever arrange any events at all if they had to take into consideration absolute everyone's circumstances.

are you insecure? I don't understand why a simple child-free party wuld make you feel personally side-lined, it also affects your DH, unless he has taken a unilateraly decision to go a.one

Wave him off with a smile but not before you advise him you’ve booked your own 3 day holiday for the very weekend after.

Your PIL have effectively invited everyone except you given the other grandchildren are older. I would be making minimal effort with them from now on.

Since when did going overseas to celebrate your anniversary become the new stag/hen do.

Surely your wedding anniversary is only important to the relevant couple, we celebrated our 25th last year and we just went out for lovely meal just the two of us.

I feel excluded because 9 out of the 10 children/children in laws can attend and I'll be the only one who stays at home with my DC unless I can find 3 days of babysitting.

Those saying get an older grandchild to babysit, the adult grandchildren are attending the party too and I'm not leaving my DC with a 16 year old in sole charge for 3 days.

Those saying my family should step up, my DPs are not well enough to do it and my DSis lives in Sweden and has 3 DC. She's already said she can't help.

The party is in late September so I can't make a family holiday of it or DC would miss school. DC4 starts school just a few weeks before the party. I could bring them if we left on Friday night and flew back Sunday morning but that's a lot of travel for young primary school aged DC and doesn't seem worth it.

Seems to be a fairly even split between people saying I'm totally self centred and BVU even though I'll be the 1/10 who can't go, and people who sympathise with me. I guess I'll just have to suck it up, like I do every time DH goes away for work, and every time his PIL invite him away somewhere that's not child friendly. This happens at least 4 times a year DH going on long weekends away without me and he works away at least once a month.

MIL always goes on about how nice it is for all the family to get together and why don't we see them more often, and then arranges things like this that make it difficult for me and DH to both attend. I realise its not all about me but I'll hear nothing but how amazing their party was when we visit them at xmas and how it was such a shame I couldn't find someone to look after DC for the weekend.

I've never heard of enmeshed families so off to google that.

I totally understand. It's been arranged with the assumption by everyone that you will do the childcare. If one if his sisters had small children the plans would have been different? But it doesn't matter if you're not there. Hardly welcoming.

The most upsetting part for me is that your dh went along with it all without even asking.

Will the £800 impact you? Stop you having a family holiday?

Oh wow this is a regular thing...? You're like an au pair.

When do you get time away? They sound horrible.

Are you the only ones with school age children?

Presumably they are having it in separate as that's when their anniversary is. Not just to make your life difficult.

You can't make your husband's family into people they aren't. They don't want to do child centric things.

Don't visit at Christmas! You don't like them.

You didn't say who is paying for DH to go.

If ILs are paying for it all bar flights, I'd grit my teeth and wave him off, but if there is a significant cost to the family I'd insist on having the same amount to spend on myself.

It's unfortunately the nature of the party that means you can't go. I would possibly email MIL and explain why you can't get childcare and how much it would cost and the issues about it if you did. Wrap it up with faux disappointment that you're not there to celebrate their special event.
That way if she does try to bring it up in the future, you can say "Remember the email I sent you MIL, I would have loved to have come but we didn't have £800 for childcare."

I can understand why you feel excluded if the knock on effect is that you're the only person who can't go. It is very unlikely however that they've created a whole anniversary trip specifically so as to avoid having to have you there.

What's your OP's take on the wider relationship point? Whilst I was firmly on the he should go and you should accept with good grace side of the argument I suppose if he agrees that this is contrived to exclude his partner and children he could say he can't attend for childcare reasons. But that's a big ask and depends on whether what you feel about how they see you is based on anything tangible.

I think this is often an unfortunate thing about being the last to have children, which I appreciate wasn't by choice. People are often quite enthusiastic about accommodating the first baby in the family. By the last one people have potentially been organising child-friendly stuff for a couple of decades and are properly over it.

They have organised the party at a place that is important to them, that they visit every year, yet you are upset that it is adult-only as if it is a personal attack.

They have organised it for, presumably, the time of their anniversary, yet you are upset that you would need to take your kids out of school as if that too is a personal attack.

I cannot see what they have done wrong. They have suggested that you find childcare and it is hardly their fault that your parents aren't able to do it and that you don't have good friends. They have suggested that you stay in a different hotel and get local childcare for the evening and it is not really their fault that you are unwilling to do this.

Were they supposed to organise it for the school holidays to accommodate you, even though it's not their anniversary then and everything would be more expensive? Choose a different resort even though this is the one that has been special to them for years?

You might need to inconvenience yourself a bit to attend or, if you don't want to, skip it and accept that that was your choice. Book a child free trip to see your sister in Sweden to compensate and have your own party.

Has op come back to day if it's her PiL wedding anniversary or if its DHs sibling?
Unless the inlaws married later in life I'm assuming a 25th anniversary isn't dh's parents?

This is just the reality of having kids later in life or sometimes earlier. Lots is planned with reference to the majority, whether that’s years suffering through kids’ parties and Harvester when you don’t have kids and the rest seem to, or being left holding the baby when those kids are grown up.

At the other end of the scale there is probably the eldest grandchild who has spent years hanging around with little kids but now they’ve all grown up and can do things together as adults or nearly adults, or their parents who were first to have children and maybe felt they were excluded while things were still focussed on more adult activities.

You’ve taken a real scattergun approach to your issues here: MIL likes her daughters best, excluding some of the family, your family can’t help (but don’t seem to have been asked, the cost, DH agreed without consultation. The sheer number and range, I’m sorry to say, make me wonder if you would have taken issue whatever the event was.

Yes, a very clear explanation was given that it was the mother in law’s second marriage.

I'm not saying PIL have done anything wrong at all but MIL will be offended if I decline the invitation, and yet its been made very difficult for me to accept it due to the location, timing, expense and need for childcare.

If PIL had mentioned to me that they were not expecting me to come, or at least acknowledged it might be difficult it wouldn't be so bad, but they're just contantly reminding us that we need to book our flights and not even asked about how we'll arrange childcare. They made it clear they expect us to leave DC at home. The invitation says "party from 23rd to 25th September at X hotel which is an adults only venue". I've looked it up and the hotel doesn't allow under 18s at all.

Who is paying for this?

Seems quite out of order to ask a couple with small kids to attend an expensive party in Ibiza over 3 days.

It's more the sort of party one would invite your similarly retired friends to. Not all your kids but tell one they can't bring their children. During school term!

The most upsetting thing for me in your situation would be that your husband didn't even ask whether it would be ok for him to go, he just told his mother than he would be going. Everything else I would be fine with.

That shows that he doesn't regard himself as equally responsible for his children and he views you as being default carer because he doesn't think he even needs to discuss being away for a long weekend with you and agree something.

It's a good thing for your children that you don't also behave in this way. Can you imagine the conversation if you also did this... just assumed he was taking care of the kids without even asking...

"Love, I'm away this weekend for my parents' party".

"Oh shit, I'm away too for my friend's hen weekend".

"Fuck, who's looking after the kids then?"

"Well, it's not me! I thought it was you."

"I thought it was you! We'll just have to leave out some food and water and hope for the best."

Missed that posts which is why asked obviously!