Adults only party

[Lostmywaysomuch]

Recently been invited to a big party (25th wedding anniversary) on DHs side of the family. It sounds like it'll be fabulous, its a party abroad, at an exclusive venue for adults only. Would require at least 3 days/2 nights away from home.

It feels a bit much for guests to have to get childcare for DC4 and DC7 for at least 3 full days over a long weekend. For context, there is no family we can leave DC with as all DH family will be at the party and there is noone on my side who can do it. So AIBU to feel a bit sidelined that I'll probably have to stay at home with DC while DH attends the party on his own?

If we didn't have family to look after our two then neither of us would go. I wouldn't want to leave the wife and kids for a piss up with my parents in in Ibiza.

DC4 goes to nursery already, its not that we can't arrange a few hours of childcare, its that we'd need either 72hours of childcare to leave DC at home or bring DC with us and find 12hours of childcare in Ibiza. Which might be fine for some families but my DC take a while to get used to new people and it won't be much fun spending half the party worrying about whether DC is settled or not.

I'm not saying the party itself is unreasonable, just that it makes it very hard for DH and I to both attend and I feel sidelined as a result.

Why don't you both go with the children? One of you could stay with the children while one of you goes to the party and then do a swap. That way you both get to go and the children get a little holiday too.

Surely you have friends who could look after your children? Why does it have to be family?

DH just needs to say if my kids aren't invited I won't be going if you feel that strongly about it.

Having said that when one my best mates had her wedding in Greece it was adults only, so I went & left DH at home with the kids, and it was jolly lovely!

What’s DH said? Does he generally feel his family reject and sideline you?

I don't have friends locally that are good enough to ask for 3 full days of babysitting for 2 DC.

I work full time and don't know the parents at school or nursery that well. Most of my family are 6 hours away and the ones within an hour of us are elderly and wouldn't be able to manage more than a few hours of daytime babysitting.

I'm pretty much resigned to not going I'm just pissed off about it as I feel its always assumed I'll be the one who stays with DC and DH can just go to this fancy party without me.

It is true that "it's an invitation not a summons" is usually a very obtuse claim in the case of family invitations. Often declining an invitation can cause huge offence to be taken and resentments can last indefinitely.

It's very likely that "Just don't go" is a very blasé answer.

However "sorry, we obviously can't leave the 4 and 7 year olds so I'll have to miss out and let DH join you" does actually sound like a bullet mostly dodged. If you don't like them the children are an excellent excuse to avoid a very long stretch of time in their company, and paying probably at least £100 for travel plus any savings that can be made on a single instead of twin room too.

Perhaps you and your children can spend the money "saved" on a more local holiday or day trip together?

Does your husband actually want to go,?

DH replied to the invitation to say he was going without asking me about it first. I'm also pissed off about that, but that's a separate issue. He speaks to his DM nearly every day and they are very close so he was always going to go.

Ah - the husband issue does sound like a much bigger problem (though related obviously).

So he just assumed he'd be leaving the kids with you without even running the dates past you to ensure there were no scheduling conflicts of any of the multiple kinds which can happen with two children and two working parents?

I think the idea of a child-free anniversary party is quite bizarre. Surely the point of a family celebration is to celebrate with the whole family, including grandchildren? Maybe I’m terribly old-fashioned.

Why do you think they purposely excluded you ?
Honestly if I arranged this type of adults only party, who ever has young children would not even enter my mind about childcare.

Of course your Husband needs to go.
This is the situation sometimes whilst you have young children.

Maybe it's just me but I think it's weird to have a milestone celebration that is basically celebrating a family connection that doesn't include children who are part of the family. I can maybe understand a birthday party being adults only but an anniversary?

Anyway what do they plan on getting up to that they don't want kids there? Is it one of those tarts and vicars type things? I wouldn't want to do that with family members anyway. How ick.

Would you really be comfortable with a complete stranger who you have never met before looking after your children? I wouldn't.

It's their anniversary why do they need other adults to attend and pay a shed load of money. Just celebrate THEIR anniversary on their own.

A party in Ibiza with my in laws sounds horrendous. Do you actually want to go?

I remember attending my ils 25th anniversary party. And 50th!!. All the dgc were wanted there...
Let dh go. They don't sound very nice anyway op.

What are the ILs paying for ? Will DH have any additional costs over flights?

Who are the relatives that live 6hrs away? Surely with enough notice and money towards their travel they might come and mind your dc whilst you go. If you want to make it happen then do,but I don’t think you really do @Lostmywaysomuch

the other option is like a pp said go and stay somewhere else and make holiday out of it possibly. And pay one of the elder grandchildren to babysit

It's dressed up as adults only party but really its an excuse for ILs to celebrate without me as all DH family can go but we are the ones who need childcare.

Not everything is about you.

Is it SiI’s party rather than PILs? Would be odd (not impossible!) to have several adult/late teen GCs if they’ve only been married 25 years. That suggests that the DH’s siblings are at a different life stage and childcare might not even feature in their thoughts any more.

Not that it matters that much. I think OP sees this as a personal slight rather than an oversight. I got married abroad. Not all family could attend but most did. I didn’t deliberately choose to exclude anyone .

It's their anniversary why do they need other adults to attend and pay a shed load of money. Just celebrate THEIR anniversary on their own.

They speak to their son, probably their daughters too, every day. It's probably come up in conversation about them going. Maybe as a family they like to spend time together. Our family does. No one's putting a gun to anyone's head. If my parents had invited me gor a few days in Ibiza, I'd have been there like a shot, especially if they're paying. 🏖🍹

I thought that too. Normally a family celebration or just the two of you on a weekend away etc.

I think YABU to expect your husband to not go to his parents special event or that you take turns in attending, especially as they don’t like you. Just have a nice weekend at home with the kids and then plan yourself a trip away with the girls to make it up!

Not wanting kids to a party doesn’t say anything about anyone’s ”values”.

Seriously, some of you parents have to stop being so self-involved.

”new insight”… good lord!