To plan to start a family in early 20s

[chatterbug22]

As above- we are thinking about next year.

Me and my partner have been together two years and have our own home together. It is not a mansion but we have two decent sized bedrooms and everything we need for at least the next few years. We are educated and have good, secure jobs and are fortunate to be quite comfortable. We are not at maximum earning potential but that could be years off. I am really motivated to progress in my field and love what I do, I live and breathe for it and can’t picture myself in any other role.

I have always been very family orientated, I work with families day in day out and see both the joys and the struggles of having young children. I am naturally quite maternal but don’t just want a baby (as they of course grow up very quickly!) I want the toddler and the child phase too, the teenage phase doesn’t even wobble me that much. It looks like the furthest thing from easy. We both want to be young, in good health and with enough energy- it also matters to us that our future DC spend years knowing their grandparents and as long as possible with their great grandparents, who are the loveliest human beings but in their 70s now.

We enjoy nice holidays but don’t have the urge to travel the world as such, longer term we are on the same page and partner has hinted strongly that he’s planning to propose in the not so distant future. We’re smart about savings and seem to just be a bit beyond our years in that we’ve reached the phase it seems to be acceptable to reach when most people are late 20s. I would rather be relaxing in my 40s and taking it easier knowing DC are happy at university/in their jobs with the benefit of my full income to support. My auntie did just that and has no regrets but it seems so uncommon these days and people do raise an eyebrow… and perhaps for good reason?

I can see advantages to being done in your mid/late 20s, and also waiting until your late 30s to have your first for more patience and life experience. There are pros and cons for every choice always and not many people have the experience of both.

I just think it’s interesting how people’s attitudes towards family and what women should be doing at what age have shifted over time. So, would it be frowned upon where you live or quite normal?

Unusual maybe, but if you are in a stable relationship and think it will be till death does you part, then why not?

Absolutely lovely OP, go for it! I’m old school, and wouldn’t have chn without getting married first, but that’s up to you. I think it’s great that you’re giving it so much thought and not just ‘seeing what happens’. Good for you 😊

Do not have children unless you're married, other than that you do you.

It would be unusual for sure, but if you are organised and older than your years (which it sounds like you are), and that’s what you want, then no reason not to. I think under 25 for a first baby is a bit mad though.. I would also make sure you are married as it’s better protection.

The only other thing I would say is people can change a lot before 30. But if you do end up wishing you’d left it a bit later, then as you say your kids will be up and gone once you’re in your 40s and you can pick up a lot of things then.

Well where I live has one of the highest teenage pregnancy rates in the country, so you’d be starting rather late going by that!

I had my first DC at just turned 26 and my third (and final) just after turning 30. I think it’s quite a nice age to have them, obviously I’m a bit biased there but I like the idea of being in my late 30s/40s and being able to take them travelling with me. We got married after DC1 was born and have bought a house in the last year (after DC3), financially we’re comfortable but not loaded (although I’m not working at the moment due to having 2 under 2 I’ve had another year off, I aim to return when DC3 is 2). I’ve always worked with children though, so it felt like quite a natural step for us.

If you feel that financially you’re in an good place and your relationship is steady then I’d go for it. There’s never really a ‘right time’ to have a child, you never know what’s around the corner.

You certainly sound as if you have your head screwed on and are being realistic about it all. If you are willing and able then why not?!

You are probably right that some may think you are best waiting a bit but honestly it's your (and importantly your partners) life so go for it if you want to.

Good luck with it all op, you sound like you will build a lovely family and home x

I got married, bought a small house and had my children in my early to mid twenties. I’ve never regretted it.
I’d done 4 years at uni and was a qualified teacher at 23 and just wanted to marry my childhood sweetheart and settle! I’ve always worked too, although part time until I was 30.

Each to their own. I'm really glad that I waited until I was a bit older, personally - I don't think I'd have been ready to be a parent when I was in my early twenties, I still had a huge amount of growing up to do. However, that's not to say that you aren't ready - we're all different!

I had my ds at 45 so the opposite end of the timescale from you, but I can see the benefits of getting the baby phase out of the way early. There are downsides to late motherhood.

The one real unavoidable issue is pensions. The ten years between 20 & 30 are important because contributions attract 35 years of compound interest before you use them.

If you don't contribute for those 10, you lose out and those years can't be replaced. Later decades don't have the same value.

But I don't know anyone who would judge you unfavourably..

I was in your position in my early twenties. We could have had children but it would have made our lives careers far more limited than they were. We had them early thirties when we had reached a level of security and experience which allowed me to work part time.

I would have missed out on being able to take risks on jobs which may not have worked out, being able to work overtime to build a financial buffer, working abroad, travelling and the responsibility free fun of my twenties.

If you are surrounded by family Who want to help and you know you want to stay were you live now then I can see the appeal.

It's a big irreversible decision! No regrets from me for waiting longer.

Had my first at 24, second at 25. 14 months between and I don’t regret it at all. All my friends are just starting to marry and think about babies in a couple years whereas I’m now at the point that the baby phase is done, they’re in education and I’m back to work able to focus on my career. My oldest can help make dinners now, they’re both becoming more reasonable and understand and, as much as it’s hard some days, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

it’s never the perfect time but if you’re hearts in it, go for it!

I'm 32 and my oldest DS is almost 9. Youngest is 3.
I'm looking forward to taking it easier in my 40s 😁 although the last few months have been so much easier with younger DS turning 3.

The only question I would have is what are yout work hours and what childcare will you use? You seem to really love it and have a bright future. I have been able to keep going at mine but only because I have family nearby that can help if I get delayed/ have to work late etc.

I'm 40, was 21 for my first and 25 for my second. Most friends have eldest child just leaving primary school while my eldest starts uni in Sept! I wouldn't have done it any differently but you do need to be prepared for finding yourself somewhat alienated from friends your own age as your life will be very different from theirs.

You don’t need to write an application to mumsnet to have a baby 😉
but go for it - I had a baby in my 20s, best thing ever! When she’s 18 I will be 44 😊

I had my first at 29.

Im almost 40 now and the eldest is 10.

I had an amazing time in my 20s but I still really wish I had done more, seen more, enjoyed more. Late twenties will still give you all the things you want but also allow you to enjoy these amazing years of two full incomes and no dependants.

We have 3 now and money is tight because kids are so expensive. My career compromised due to childcare arrangements (same old story as so many, though I appreciate not all)

Sounds like you have a wonderful future together but enjoy these years just the two of you. It will be so long before you have that time again. Build on your relationship now, and make it rock solid. Get married, enjoy that, being newlywed is the best feeling ever.

It’s obviously up to you, but if I could go back in time I would do anything to relive my 20s again. Best years of my life.

You sound as if you have thought carefully about this and I would say do it!
When you are in your early forties you will be able to really enjoy the next part of your life having reared your children.
Go for it O.P!

Make sure you have enough savings to enjoy maternity. Going out for lunch/coffee. Sensory/swimming classes all add up in addition to essentials. Also think ahead in terms of nursery fees etc

It wouldn't be frowned upon but everyone I know in all the baby groups is 30+. I'm 32 and the second youngest out of the 25 or so mums I've met in the last year. So you might feel a bit young in the social sense.

Also do not underestimate the financial and logistical toll kids take on things. I love my career too and I feel run ragged. We are both higher rate tax payers and money sometimes feels right after childcare and the million other things we pay for.

I think just do what’s right for you, people all have different circumstances. I wouldn’t assume younger = more healthy/energy though, just depends on the person. If you think it’s right, then go for it. If you’re planning to take time out of work, I would look at marriage as it gives you more stability as well as pay into a pension. Sadly the friends I have who had children in their 20s are not together anymore and the women seemed to take a bigger financial hit later on. Good luck!

Also friends who have had the 'done and relaxing in our forties' ethos have all gone on to have kids spread out, there was no advantage to starting early from that point of view.

I don’t think early 20’s is young to have a baby at all. I had my first at 22 and was the literally the last person in my area/school year to have one.

It is no coincidence younger mums breastfeed less according to infant feeding surveys in the UK and USA. In general (ie at population level) younger mums are going to be less able to think we'll I've had 10 years of being an adult and putting my own needs first every day it's not about me anymore... because they haven't lived long enough as adults to have that opportunity. The research also shows they are less confident in making positive birth choices, speaking up when things aren't going well and less likely to seek support for fear of judgement as a young mum. They also have less knowledge from observing other mums overcome common challenges during key development milestones.

So if you are up for being less self focused, constantly learning, speaking up, asking for help and not thinking you know it all, then you'll make a great mum in your 20s and beyond.

I had my first baby at 22 and my second at 23. My mum is 45 and I’m now 23. I really can’t wait for that to be me!

I’m definitely a fan of having babies younger as opposed to having them older. I couldn’t imagine being in my mid 40s with a 10 year old or something. It’s each to their own though. Whatever you feel ready for

@WTF475878237NC you sound like really bad vibes wow. Who pissed in your coffee

I think this is a bit of a reach. I don’t know why you’re conflating not breastfeeding with putting yourself first? You sound very judgemental, and I hope you don’t go around judging women like this in real life!

OP - let this be a good example, you haven’t even had children yet and people are making judgements and assumptions! It certainly gets worse when you do, so please do whatever you feel is right for you!!