To plan to start a family in early 20s

[chatterbug22]

As above- we are thinking about next year.

Me and my partner have been together two years and have our own home together. It is not a mansion but we have two decent sized bedrooms and everything we need for at least the next few years. We are educated and have good, secure jobs and are fortunate to be quite comfortable. We are not at maximum earning potential but that could be years off. I am really motivated to progress in my field and love what I do, I live and breathe for it and can’t picture myself in any other role.

I have always been very family orientated, I work with families day in day out and see both the joys and the struggles of having young children. I am naturally quite maternal but don’t just want a baby (as they of course grow up very quickly!) I want the toddler and the child phase too, the teenage phase doesn’t even wobble me that much. It looks like the furthest thing from easy. We both want to be young, in good health and with enough energy- it also matters to us that our future DC spend years knowing their grandparents and as long as possible with their great grandparents, who are the loveliest human beings but in their 70s now.

We enjoy nice holidays but don’t have the urge to travel the world as such, longer term we are on the same page and partner has hinted strongly that he’s planning to propose in the not so distant future. We’re smart about savings and seem to just be a bit beyond our years in that we’ve reached the phase it seems to be acceptable to reach when most people are late 20s. I would rather be relaxing in my 40s and taking it easier knowing DC are happy at university/in their jobs with the benefit of my full income to support. My auntie did just that and has no regrets but it seems so uncommon these days and people do raise an eyebrow… and perhaps for good reason?

I can see advantages to being done in your mid/late 20s, and also waiting until your late 30s to have your first for more patience and life experience. There are pros and cons for every choice always and not many people have the experience of both.

I just think it’s interesting how people’s attitudes towards family and what women should be doing at what age have shifted over time. So, would it be frowned upon where you live or quite normal?

My daughter had her first child at 27
She was married and qualified on her chosen career. They went on and had another child two years ago. . She has gone back to work p/t and doesn't have any regrets about the age she was when having children x

Do a registry office thing. Marriage is SO important, it gives you legal and financial security and protection that is absolutely vital if you're going to have children. Please, please don't put it off.

Surely you can just make more sensible decisions to avoid that - e.g put both names on the house before having his kids

I do agree you should probably wait until you’ve been together longer though. I didn’t read the part about you only being together 2 years. That’s no time at all. Marriage wouldn’t fix that though

In your shoes I would go ahead ( after getting married)

Fair enough. I think we probably will do that

Plenty of people choose to live together unmarried to protect their assets though. If you want the legal security, you get married. If you want to ringfence your assets, you don't. You get to choose which works for you! I wouldn't want someone to have rights to my property etc just because we live together.

Unless I was up against it time wise I wouldn’t be starting a family with someone I’d only been in a relationship with for 2 years.

I wish I had been in your position in my 20s OP, I'm very jealous! I would have loved to have had my DS in my 20s but didn't meet my partner until I was 38. Life is short and you have to take your opportunities when they arise. You sound as though you know what you are doing so good luck to you.

Had mine at 21, 23 and 26. Married homeowner.

I am 33 and graduating soon with a first class via the OU. Reaping the rewards now career wise as still have loads of energy. Oldest is nearly 13 and my youngest is 7.

Life is good don’t regret it for a second.

I apologise for not reading! I don’t think of myself as a “cool girl” though, just a girl who doesn’t think marriage is a necessity or safety blanket for having children.

Not sure why it’s just women who are “stay at home parents” and the men go out to work. I’m a working woman. Always have been. Always will.(Luckily I don’t have any disabilities or illness)

DS is almost 10 and DSS almost 7, we are still in our 20s and living our best lives. No childcare costs anymore, boys are becoming more independent every day. I managed to finish my degree, DP earns well. Yes it was definitely tricky for a few years but feels like we are through the “worst” of it now

I had mine at 26 and 29 so a bit older than you but I’m so glad I had them when I did. I had fun in my early twenties and now they are a bit older (10 and 7) they’re more independent which is lovely too. What’s right for you will be different to someone else so just do what feels best for you.

I had mine later, for me that was the right choice. I would have been a useless parent in my 20's!!

But we are all wired differently, you need to do what is right for you and your partner when the time is right.

Unless you are independently wealthy then get married before you have children. Have a small cheap wedding if you want to have children soon. And cost out the cost of children. Have you got enough saved to cover the loss of salary over multiple maternity leaves? Will you still be comfortable when you are spending ~£1K per child per month on childcare? Or can you afford to live on one salary (bye bye career)? Is your partner planning to go PT to do his share of the childcare? And if not why not?

I had children in my late 30s and early 40s, I got pregnant the first month of trying each time and I have much more energy than my friends who had children in their 20s and are now settling into old age and caring for their grandchildren. Pregnancy and babies are one of the hardest things you will put your relationship through, even if you are rock solid it can cause massive damage at least in the short term. Don't rush into it, build some memories to sustain you when you have had no sleep for 48 hours, haven't had sex for months, there's discharges coming out of every orifice and you are planning how to murder your DH because you never want to hear his snoring ever again as you change yet another poonami nappy half way through a BF.

I’m another who doesn’t get the ‘get married comment’s.’ Yes I understand you should protect yourself financially but people are speaking as if EVERY mum becomes a stay at home mum or something.

If you want to get married then get married. If it’s not a big deal to you then don’t. As a pp said, where I’m from there’s right’s for couples who live together now. It’s not all about marriage

Well we are all different, I wouldn't have chosen to do this, but you are not me. But what is the rush? Why not enjoy a few more years of being a couple first, you have plenty of time! I had a wonderful time in my 20s and have many fabulous memories of my life pre-kids. Even if your plan works out and you are thinking you can do all that stuff later in life, trust me, your energy and enthusiasm levels are not the same, and I am saying that as an old gimmer in my 50s. Life is wasted on the young!

I had two children in early twenties and one late thirties. I would sooner do twenties if I had my time again!! I'd say 27-33 is a great time for kids based on energy levels.

Go for it. However it does seem a bit...staid. You should be having fun at your age, doing crazy things, seeing the world, living abroad etc. You seem to just be settling down into the quiet life very early.

The only thing I would be mindful of is being out of sync with friends. We had them all at similar ages so it means we go through the same stages & we all go away together & the dc all play with each other. If my dc had flown the nest in my 40s I'd have no one to enjoy my freedom with other than dh.

You seem quite keen on having kids sooner rather than later, plus your situation seems to be very suitable too. You are young, but if your instinct/gut feeling is telling you to do it, then why not go ahead and do it.

Just to note, you said there are benefits to waiting til your mid-30s/40s to have kids, and for some people it is better for them to wait. However it's very real that women's fertility starts to drop off after 35, so a baby after then is not guaranteed. If you do manage to conceive then it can be more difficult than what you were anticipating. So if you are in a good position to start your family sooner, then doing so might be the right move for you.

I had my only a lot layer than that and tbh I’m pretty tired! I think as long as you think through the financial implications it’s fine. Make sure you know how much nursery will cost etc (I’m only saying this because you often hear of women not going back to work because nursery far outweighs what they make, you are young ofcourse but getting back into the work place can be difficult if theres a long gap) , do you have back up options for pick ups etc.

Have a very clinical look at how much you both contribute to the running of your home. Does your partner genuinely do 50:50. If theres laundry to do does he pop a load on, does he get the hoover out, does he cook? Because if he’s not doing it now he won’t be doing it later. It matters because you absolutely do not want your own earning potential being impacted early on in your career by always being the one who has to take time off if you get called to pick up your toddler from nursery or has to do all the nights etc.Or are exhausted from being responsible for house, baby and working. Is he dutiful, will he do stuff he doesn’t like doing because it’s the right thing to do, does he value your time as much as his own?

Make sure you are clear on what would happen during maternity in regards to finances etc. The number of times I’ve seen a woman on mumsnet saving up to be pregnant or still expected to contribute her “share” of the bills on maternity is appalling. Don’t assume anything, on that. Be very very clear and very direct.

Don’t have a baby without marriage anything can happen, you decide not to go back to work, you have a child with SEN, his earning potential takes off but yours stalls. Any of things can and do happen and you don’t want to be left holding the baby with little legal recourse,

Sorry that sounded a bit negative! Just been on mumsnet too long!

I always knew I wanted children young and my ideal would have been to get pregnant around a year after leaving uni but things didnt work out that way and I ended up having DS at 26.
People were telling me that I should travel and party and work before having kids so I spent a few years doing that but it wasn't what I wanted to do and I was unhappy although many people would have been jealous of the life I had pre kids. But I was doing what everyone told me I should do rather than what I wanted to do and it wasnt fulfilling.

One piece of advice I would have before having kids is to find an employer that treats working parents well and offers a lot of flexibility and a good maternity package. Having kids and a career is hard and you need an employer who is going to make things as eaasy as possible for you if you want to really continue to grow professionally while the kids are small.

Personally I think relationships change a lot when you get together in young 20s. Do consider what happens if you have children and the relationship doesn't work out. I remember seeing something about marriages and relationships started at a younger age tend to burnout more than those started a bit later.

DH and I got together at 19 and 23. Married at 24 and 27, started trying for DD when I was 25 and didn't happen until I was 28. I am glad in a way that it took a little longer, I went from earning £30k to more like £45k, and we moved about an hour further away to a bigger house. Technically things would have been fine, we had a decent two bed house. But now I'm in the position I am we are TTC a second, and I don't think we'd be able to afford it in our situation if we had done it a few years earlier. Climbing the career ladder is a lot harder when you have DC. I got a promotion a few months after I went back from mat leave by changing firm, and I work four days a week. I have no intention of working five days a week ever again, but, again, I wouldn't have been able to do that had we been successful earlier.

DH and I and our relationship have changed a lot too. We've been through some really tricky stuff. I thought I knew him well but I didn't know him as well as I thought and you learn more about each other when the shit hits the fan I think. Just things to consider. I feel like I had DD at the perfect time tbh, and if my DD was planing a child at say 23 after being with someone a couple of years my worries would be that the relationship wouldn't work out and she'd be left holding the baby, career hugely impacted, finances limited etc.

One thing to consider is your social support network. Sounds like you might be at a different stage of life to your friends so might need some mum friends for support. Look at mums out and about where you live - what sort of age are they. In some places they may not be much older than you. Where I live most new mums are late 20s at the younger end and many well into 30s usually with established careers. These are the women you’ll see at baby groups, will you feel you have much in common with them? This may not feel important to you but something to contemplate.