To plan to start a family in early 20s

[chatterbug22]

As above- we are thinking about next year.

Me and my partner have been together two years and have our own home together. It is not a mansion but we have two decent sized bedrooms and everything we need for at least the next few years. We are educated and have good, secure jobs and are fortunate to be quite comfortable. We are not at maximum earning potential but that could be years off. I am really motivated to progress in my field and love what I do, I live and breathe for it and can’t picture myself in any other role.

I have always been very family orientated, I work with families day in day out and see both the joys and the struggles of having young children. I am naturally quite maternal but don’t just want a baby (as they of course grow up very quickly!) I want the toddler and the child phase too, the teenage phase doesn’t even wobble me that much. It looks like the furthest thing from easy. We both want to be young, in good health and with enough energy- it also matters to us that our future DC spend years knowing their grandparents and as long as possible with their great grandparents, who are the loveliest human beings but in their 70s now.

We enjoy nice holidays but don’t have the urge to travel the world as such, longer term we are on the same page and partner has hinted strongly that he’s planning to propose in the not so distant future. We’re smart about savings and seem to just be a bit beyond our years in that we’ve reached the phase it seems to be acceptable to reach when most people are late 20s. I would rather be relaxing in my 40s and taking it easier knowing DC are happy at university/in their jobs with the benefit of my full income to support. My auntie did just that and has no regrets but it seems so uncommon these days and people do raise an eyebrow… and perhaps for good reason?

I can see advantages to being done in your mid/late 20s, and also waiting until your late 30s to have your first for more patience and life experience. There are pros and cons for every choice always and not many people have the experience of both.

I just think it’s interesting how people’s attitudes towards family and what women should be doing at what age have shifted over time. So, would it be frowned upon where you live or quite normal?

Anyway, it's a moot point really. I'm not advocating OP gets married, IMO she's far too young and her relationship is too new.

Some incredibly patronising “advice” on this thread.

You want relaxing in your 40s?
Prepare yourself for back aches and being tired by 9pm instead 🤣

Also. Most people spend their 20s exploring. Finding themselves. Going out. Acting out. You know. Otherwise youll end up being 40 and get a midlife crisis and all.

I would go traveling and explore instead of having a life altering baby 😇

There is middle ground between 20 and 40. Traditionally women have had children throughout that time period.

Married and pregnant at 24. Shagged about and travelled from 18-20 and not all that fussed about partying. If you're already a homeowner seems you're pretty settled down and not into fast paced supposedly 'normal' twenties lifestyle (which I think is quite a middle class thing). If you want to do it do it. Be prepared to face a lot of patronising, as can be seen from some posters here ;) my relatives who had babies older said they wished they'd had the energy to run around after toddlers and small children, as after a certain point exhaustion really starts to hit you.

I think if you genuinely are in a really strong financial position it's fine.

I thought I was in my early 20s but I look back now and I realise I simply had no idea a) what some things cost (like childcare) b) how much time children take up and how that nearly always means at least one person has to step up career wise, at a time when your peers will be competitively putting extra hours in to get to the top c) how many things there are out there that can totally banjax your finances, meaning you need a much bigger buffer than you expect.

Very, very few people genuinely are in a really really rock solid position financially to start a family in early 20s.

I was never interested in travelling, just wanted a family as soon as possible. I have an autoimmune condition which meant I may not have been able to have children at all.

Not everyone has a carefree life from a young age! Or wants to travel 🤷 why assume everyone must do this in their 20s??

@CharlotteOH thank you, these reasons are really important to us.

@InChocolateWeTrust fair enough- I can see this!

@User48751490 exactly the same! I enjoy nice holidays but the whole ‘travel’ idea does not overly appeal, if I did it it would be because I felt like I had to. Fulfilment comes from other means sometimes and that’s okay!

The blend of opinions is so interesting, enjoy reading other people’s stories too. Definitely be from early 2023 onwards anyway which would make me 22/23 when baby would be born, and OH 25.

Marriage is certainly a legal contract between two people, but I'd questions anyone's motives who enters a marriage for financial benefits.
I completely understand the religious sacrament of marriage as a reason. Also, many decide to make a formal and public committal of their love with family present to celebrate (tradition). The reason that resonates most with me is feeling connected as a family unit through marriage and sharing a surname.
You may not have been advocating for OP to get married but my responses were to the many who suggested getting married should be first on the list 🤯

The reason I mentioned stay at home parents also being male is to highlight a huge issue we have in society where the automatic response is for the woman to be at home I.e. disabled child=mother gives up work. I would not advise men to be fully financially dependent on another either.

@CJones11 agree with every point you’ve made!

@HouseHelp23 wow. I really don’t think I’m better than anyone, at all. Or particularly mature. The very opposite! I know younger people than me who have oodles of maturity and people older with none. Everyone has their path and that’s fine, sure a lot of my peers would not swap me for my situation and vice versa. Surprised that that’s how it comes across so I’ll try to phrase things differently. I like reading people’s different opinions on things, I think that’s the same reason most people would think to post on here or forums in general but hey could be wrong

Skimming your other threads, you admit your OH doesn't have a well paid job and your family have mentioned it, your mum has called him controlling and you have a fractured relationship with your sister. Is this rush to have a baby a way to prove them wrong and also one-up your (older) sister who isn't at that life stage yet?

@ChildrenOfTheQuorn no, my mum has been influenced by my sister in the past and the dynamic there is not too great between siblings but it’s the way it’s always been and by the by. We get on extremely well with his family, my dad and extended family. No bearing on my future decisions at all, career or family wise, I pride myself in making the choices that feel right to me.

Fortunate to change jobs for the better.

You seem to be asking for opinions based on incorrect information. That looks like seeking validation rather than asking for opinions.

Late to this party but anyway here’s my two pennorth. I had my son when I was 21 with all the benefits of being young - easy pregnancy and birth, bounced back straight afterwards, loads of energy. I started my degree course at 30 and my career took off at the point where many of my contemporaries were having babies. I was able to travel in my late 30s and 40s with the bonus of having enough money to enjoy it.

The real benefit for me is that my son and I are close enough in age to be mates. We share interests, values and attitudes, we have days out together and enjoy one another’s company.

I strongly recommend young motherhood @chatterbug22. My experience has been nothing but positive.

@chatterbug22 If I could re-write history, I would have children in my early 20s because I did nothing at all useful with my 20s (I gained a qualification which mostly causes people to say "wow" - but it has been no use to me at all). I was 29-33 when I had mine. My mum and dad were 20-24 when they had my siblings and me, and we loved having younger parents. It also meant we had flown the nest when they were 40, so still had acres of time to do stuff. My parents were grandparents when they were younger than I am now!

The only thing I would say is that, whatever age you have your children at, you need to get married first. Be completely hard-headed about this.

Yes quite common and particularly when the relationship breaks down and the woman, now in her 30's, finds a new partner and behold a new baby is born.

Don't base having your kids young by "oh, I want to have kids young and get it over and done with". It's different if you've already had kids and decided to get sterilised m. Have kids on the basis that you feel that you are in a loving relationship , stable and ready to have kids.

But honestly, I had a child in my teens, and twenties. I felt like I missed out in my young Twenties, travelling, being care free with money, room mates etc etc. Not only that, I am quite career minded and I found it difficult to build up my career whilst having kids, I made it but it was very difficult. But each to their own.

Oh. I guess this changes things. If it is true that your OH is controlling, then you better run far away not being tied down to him and plan a baby!

@secular39 he is not. My relationship with my mother has not been that great (as she and my sister can be quite controlling), the dynamic is a little dysfunctional and she has said some unkind things about me and OH before that she had since apologised for and said she didn’t mean / was influenced by my sister.

I would suggest you work on getting you existing relationships in order first, the one with your mother, your partner and most importantly, yourself. Sometimes the urge to have a baby young comes from an unconscious desire to parent as we wish we had been parented and give ourselves the nurturing we didn't get.

theholisticpsychologist.com/what-is-reparenting-and-how-to-begin/

Basically make sure you as healed from the dysfunction as you can be before bringing new life into it.