To plan to start a family in early 20s

[chatterbug22]

As above- we are thinking about next year.

Me and my partner have been together two years and have our own home together. It is not a mansion but we have two decent sized bedrooms and everything we need for at least the next few years. We are educated and have good, secure jobs and are fortunate to be quite comfortable. We are not at maximum earning potential but that could be years off. I am really motivated to progress in my field and love what I do, I live and breathe for it and can’t picture myself in any other role.

I have always been very family orientated, I work with families day in day out and see both the joys and the struggles of having young children. I am naturally quite maternal but don’t just want a baby (as they of course grow up very quickly!) I want the toddler and the child phase too, the teenage phase doesn’t even wobble me that much. It looks like the furthest thing from easy. We both want to be young, in good health and with enough energy- it also matters to us that our future DC spend years knowing their grandparents and as long as possible with their great grandparents, who are the loveliest human beings but in their 70s now.

We enjoy nice holidays but don’t have the urge to travel the world as such, longer term we are on the same page and partner has hinted strongly that he’s planning to propose in the not so distant future. We’re smart about savings and seem to just be a bit beyond our years in that we’ve reached the phase it seems to be acceptable to reach when most people are late 20s. I would rather be relaxing in my 40s and taking it easier knowing DC are happy at university/in their jobs with the benefit of my full income to support. My auntie did just that and has no regrets but it seems so uncommon these days and people do raise an eyebrow… and perhaps for good reason?

I can see advantages to being done in your mid/late 20s, and also waiting until your late 30s to have your first for more patience and life experience. There are pros and cons for every choice always and not many people have the experience of both.

I just think it’s interesting how people’s attitudes towards family and what women should be doing at what age have shifted over time. So, would it be frowned upon where you live or quite normal?

Not unusual at all Smile. In my opinion, it's the far better option than waiting for mid to late 30s. Just make sure you make lots of mum friends, and you'll be fine.

Theres an awful lot of years in between early 20s and late 30s! OP is in a fairly new relationship and presumably in the early stages of the career she enjoys. In which case, I’d recommend waiting a few years, enjoying their time as just a couple and also continuing in her career without having to juggle work and childcare. Doing that, she could still have a baby in her mid 20s.

These things are so subjective if you are in a stable relationship, financially secure then why not have a baby ,I had my kids when ii was 33 and 36 ,but it was more to do with what age I was when I met my dh then the perfect time to have a baby.

If can both afford it, you're both 100% certain your relationship is rock solid and it's what you both want, do it. I think it's good for your children to have as much time as possible with their family, as long as the family aren't dysfunctional.

Getting married at a registry office doesn't take a couple of years of planning. I was only interested in the marriage not a wedding as such.

Less complicated in the eyes of the law if you split from your partner. I did a quick registry office wedding for this reason. It was more of a formality than anything else.

Your life does change forever. Life pre kids is totally different. I can't imagine having a life with such little responsibility and worries now.

I perhaps wrongly assumed you had a mortgaged home. If you're renting I'd try to save really hard and hope to get on the property ladder before having kids too. I don't think you can underestimate the security of having your own home, especially with DC.

I don't get the breastfeeding comment. I had two kids by 23 and breastfed the second one until she was 2.

@User48751490 I know, but most people, especially younger people, tend to go for bigger weddings that require more planning and time.

It's what I'd tell my kids if they were 21 and asked me if having a kid was a good idea - I'd say get married first, then find a way of stringing that out until they're old enough to make that decision as fully formed adults! 🤣

It really doesn't take a couple of years to plan a wedding ,I met my dh 17 years ago in the February and married him in the August, it was a small reception ( choice) and we married in a hotel
A big lavish wedding ,with coordinating colours ,loads of bridesmsids ,grooms men etcetera might take a couple of years,to plan but not everyone wants that .

I think this is a really individual thing, everybody is different.
You sound very mature and like you know what you want so only you can answer the question, ultimately it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks, you have to do what's best for you, are you a touch unsure and is that why you're asking on here maybe?
I had my baby when I was 37, practically ancient by your standards😂 I never thought I'd have (or want) children then I fell in love with a truly great man and all of a sudden the clock started ticking for me. There are times when I wish I'd been younger, but I was a very different person when I was your age, quite selfish and not at all interested in happily ever after, I spent much of my twenties and indeed thirties doing my own thing, living very freely and not answering to anyone. I loved every single minute of it and although I still miss it now and then I know I'm a better mum now because I'm older, I happily give all of myself to my child, I would always put him first in any situation and I am way more chilled out.
For me, being an older mum (still don't like that term) was the right choice, for you, only you know.

@x2boys As above - most younger people want the bigger wedding, so more planning time. Old people like me, I'd do registry, if I ever even bothered getting married again!

Oh and the biggest thing that i I would caution you about is your relationship. I personally knew that if I ever had kids it would have to be with someone I was petty sure I'd be with until the end, I was madly in love at your age but we grew apart and into totally different people after a few years, not that I'm saying this will be your experience, but it is pretty unusual for people who get together at your age to still be together 20+years later.

I would suggest waiting more than 2 years in a relationship, and make sure you have a good cushion financially because babies are expensive, well strictly speaking nursery is expensive!!! Is your partner as keen?

PurpleTiger110

I said at population level. That's brilliant for you, but you are not representative of most young mums according to decades of feeding research.

*you and your baby I meant to say

"I think what irks me the most is that people act as if your life is over when you have kids. That just seems overly cynical."

Life can change dramatically when you have kids and in some cases your choices and ability to work can reduce or disappear for a long time. Everyone should consider that before starting a family. I think two years is a short time to have been in a relationship before having a child and at your age you have the luxury of easily waiting a few more years.

All the people saying "get married first" why? My partner and I have been together 13 years, we own our house jointly, I work and have savings, we have 1 child and another on the way, we are not married.

I had a similar mindset to you - but I knew I wanted to be married and have bought a house first. It is so much harder to get a mortgage with defendants than without. Or it is definitely possible you just don't get as much.

Money doesn't seem to be an issue for you which is great.

Because I wanted the marriage and house I had my first at 27 and 2nd and final at 29.

After reading your OP I am working out how old I will be as the DC get older.

Like other posters have said , I was by far the youngest mum in the Nct - however now my best friends are all 8/10years older than me as we raised our children at the same time.

I definitely didn't want to wait any longer to have children as I was desperate for them from about the At of 18! It just too until 26 to secure what I wanted prior to children.

It was the perfect age for me!

It's unusual in Western societies which are currently going down the pan.

I'm not sure you can draw on biological arguments that the brain isn't fully developed (and really, even if this is the case, it clearly has no impact on cognitive abilities given that people in their 20s function at extremely high levels intellectually) to support having children later, while ignoring the enormous biological advantages to having children younger. Older parents may be wealthier, but when it comes to biology younger is always preferable.

Seems to be a lot of stereotypes of young people here... Not every young person as an interest in travelling, having a wild side, big wedding, etc! No point going travelling for the sake of it just because that's what society says you should do in your early 20s. I was about to go travelling, had absolutely no interest in doing it whatsoever, but really felt that's what "I had to to do" according to everyone else. Covid hit, circumstances changed, and now I'm expecting a baby, much happier that I didn't end up having to bow to societal pressures and did my own thing instead!

OP I personally think 2 years in your early 20s is a little fresh in a relationship still. As a PP said, relationships change a lot in early 20s, but ultimately if you want to do this, you shouldn't need the opinion or green light from anyone else, it should be what the 2 of you think together!

Really dont understand all the ‘I would get married first’ comments… as if marriage makes any difference to the outcome!

This is woefully naïve.

@5128gap very good point