To plan to start a family in early 20s

[chatterbug22]

As above- we are thinking about next year.

Me and my partner have been together two years and have our own home together. It is not a mansion but we have two decent sized bedrooms and everything we need for at least the next few years. We are educated and have good, secure jobs and are fortunate to be quite comfortable. We are not at maximum earning potential but that could be years off. I am really motivated to progress in my field and love what I do, I live and breathe for it and can’t picture myself in any other role.

I have always been very family orientated, I work with families day in day out and see both the joys and the struggles of having young children. I am naturally quite maternal but don’t just want a baby (as they of course grow up very quickly!) I want the toddler and the child phase too, the teenage phase doesn’t even wobble me that much. It looks like the furthest thing from easy. We both want to be young, in good health and with enough energy- it also matters to us that our future DC spend years knowing their grandparents and as long as possible with their great grandparents, who are the loveliest human beings but in their 70s now.

We enjoy nice holidays but don’t have the urge to travel the world as such, longer term we are on the same page and partner has hinted strongly that he’s planning to propose in the not so distant future. We’re smart about savings and seem to just be a bit beyond our years in that we’ve reached the phase it seems to be acceptable to reach when most people are late 20s. I would rather be relaxing in my 40s and taking it easier knowing DC are happy at university/in their jobs with the benefit of my full income to support. My auntie did just that and has no regrets but it seems so uncommon these days and people do raise an eyebrow… and perhaps for good reason?

I can see advantages to being done in your mid/late 20s, and also waiting until your late 30s to have your first for more patience and life experience. There are pros and cons for every choice always and not many people have the experience of both.

I just think it’s interesting how people’s attitudes towards family and what women should be doing at what age have shifted over time. So, would it be frowned upon where you live or quite normal?

We did this. Met at 17, had our first when I was 21 and had three under five by the time I was 25.

It worked for us. I'm now 36, with a 15yr old, a 13yr old and a 10yr old. Neither one of us has had our earning potential reduced by the decision.

I cannot WAIT to be 45 and go on fancy child-free holidays and have some more disposable income whilst we are still quite young.

I had mine at 34 and 38, I'm really glad I didn't have any dc in my twenties, I had a fabulous time... but that's me, not you. I'm not knocking anyone who does different to me, my mum was 18 when she had my sister and 23 when she had me, my dad was 20 and 25, I couldn't wish for better parents, we were always loved and well cared for, not once did I think I'd missed out on anything by them being so young, however my mum thinks she did, so don't go into it without serious thought. My parents just celebrated 60 years married as bd couldn't be happier together.

I had our first child 2 weeks after I turned 23, I used to go to parent and toddlers and the parents would think I was a nanny!! We were together a few years and we weren’t as stable financially as what you are, our first born gave us the push to keep moving forward with life, he breathed joy into every aspect of our lives and our second born gave us the kick up the arse to make massive massive professional changes.
we are so glad we had them young, we love everything we have done and I have made major career progression since becoming a mother which I am incredibly proud of, I have bounced between part time and full time work and now into self employment, I live and breathe every day to have a happy home and the fun, happiness, learning and fulfilment they have both brought to my 20’s and now early 30’s (31) could never (in my eyes) have been brought about by anything else.
I think people think perhaps my life is mundane because I didn’t travel the world or go mad in my 20’s but my days are never the same and the sheer craic that we have is just delightful! Motivated each year to do better, be better and see life better because of them.

@loubieloo4 😪💐

Out of all the younger parents I’ve known including myself things have worked out really well. You sound very organised and financially stable, it’s great you are on the property ladder.

I'm very sorry @loubieloo4

Ignore @FlissyPaps OP. Make sure you're married first.

Do what you want to do with your life, we all have our own paths.

I would say though that 2 years is a very fresh relationship. I am a completely different person in my 30's than I was in my 20's. That change can sometimes impact a relationship. Luckily, it didn't affect mine.

A lot of people say they are happy to have children in their early 20's and then end up divorcing/splitting up from the partner and then having more children in their next relationship when they are in their 30-40's. I've seen lots of threads on here with big age gaps between their children where this has happened. So the "having children early on in my 20's" thing doesn't always pan out that way when the relationship fails...my sister also said she was happy to be 23 when she had her child...now mid-30's and remarried she's looking to have children with him!

If you are sure about your relationship, which sounds fine and well ordered, I would go ahead. I believe our bodies are very well equipped for giving birth in our mid twenties. I did this and have no regrets. It was very much the norm in my day having babies at this age. As someone has pointed out, not all things go to plan. It took seven years for my granddaughter to be conceived. I wish well whatever you decide.

*WTF475878237NC · Today 20:51
It is no coincidence younger mums breastfeed less according to infant feeding surveys in the UK and USA. In general (ie at population level) younger mums are going to be less able to think we'll I've had 10 years of being an adult and putting my own needs first every day it's not about me anymore... because they haven't lived long enough as adults to have that opportunity. The research also shows they are less confident in making positive birth choices, speaking up when things aren't going well and less likely to seek support for fear of judgement as a young mum. They also have less knowledge from observing other mums overcome common challenges during key development milestones.

So if you are up for being less self focused, constantly learning, speaking up, asking for help and not thinking you know it all, then you'll make a great mum in your 20s and beyond*
All the younger mums I have known are excellent parents, they’ve all just got on with things and coped really well.
I’ve known many first time mums in their thirties who have really struggled with the transition from childless to being a parent. I don’t know if having 15/20 adult years doing what you want makes the adjustment more difficult.

😂😂😂

From someone who was born out of wedlock (and is doing absolutely fine in life, as are both my parents) - OP, do whatever the hell you want to!

Don’t feel pressurised from old fashioned and archaic views to get married before having kids.

It’s nothing to do with being archaic and old fashioned & everything to do with the protection provided by the legal contract of marriage

Exactly. It amazes me how naive some people are. You've only got to read some of the threads on here from women who live with a partner, have kids, no job, no money and moan that he won't marry them.

At your peril. It is an unfortunate fact that women are statistically very likely to have their future earnings and financial security vastly decreased by having children, in comparison to men. You don't have to look far on here to find many, many women who didn't get married before having kids and are now utterly fucked as their relationship breaks down.

I second this. OP, do what you want with your life, but before you go down the path of having kids, do yourself a favour and get married.

You may find yourself minded to go part-time, reducing your pension contributions, decelerating your career ambitions, or becoming a SAHM. And you are free to choose any or all of these things, but it's wise to do so from a position of better security.

I had my first child at 23, second at 25. Both planned, was married with a small 2 bed house and had been with hb since I was 16 so it didn't feel like we were rushing. Both had secure jobs.
Would I advise anyone to have kids in their early 20s? Absolutely not. I love my kids to pieces, but in hindsight they were some very difficult years financially - we were comfortable when it was 2 of us but children were a lot more expensive than anticipated. Mentally I don't think we were ready for children either. My main issue is that my career suffered greatly as a result. I hadn't finished my education and having kids made it 10x harder to continue. I'm now 37 and hoping to finally finish this year and get my career back on track. I just know that I could have got to this stage in no time pre-kids and then reaped the rewards of higher wages when part time when the kids were little etc making it easier on the family. My advice would be to do what you want to accomplish first, however long that takes. Having children is about making sacrifices so do the things you aren't willing to sacrifice first - get the promotions and pay grade you aspire to. Travel and see the places that are difficult to go to with kids. When you've completed your bucket list, then I'd talk babies. Best of luck OP

Interested to hear why people say get married first?

It gives you legal protection in the event of the relationship breaking down.

Jane and John have been together 10 years. They've got 3 kids, she went part time and then eventually gave up work to stay at home. They live in the house John owned before they got together.

They break up, they're not married. Jane is now homeless and jobless.

They break up, they're married. Jane gets part of the profit from the sale of the house, and a lump sum from John's pension, which allows her to find a home for herself and her kids while she looks for work.

This is obviously worst-case scenario, but even if you don't give up work post-kids, as a mother your career and earning potential is likely to be limited in comparison to what you might have achieved without kids. Marriage provides you with protection and security on the event of the relationship ending. Without it, your partner can walk out and leave you up shit creek at any minute.

They break up, they're not married. Jane is now homeless and jobless.

Do none-married women not work? Why would Jane be jobless?

C'mon... you're only two years in. It's nothing. Like a PP has said, you're still in the honeymoon phase. And being strongly motivated by work... that'll change once you have a baby. My advice would be to enjoy your partner, get married, aim for a couple more rungs up the career ladder and then start your family. You'll probably still be in your 20s by that point anyway!

Did you read the rest of my post? She's a SAHP. You're just being goady. I know "cool girls don't care about marriage" but sensible women should.

Oh that's not the way it is where I'm from. Living together unmarried gives rights here! Bout time society caught up to modern times!

It’s really up to you. Personally I’m choosing to have kids young because I really really want to and so does my partner. That urge can hit at different ages.

Also, it’s pretty common to have kids and settle down in your early 20s where i’m from. I think its maybe linked to when you buy your first house. In areas where house prices are lower I would imagine couples have kids much younger.

Also would like to know why it’s necessary to get married? We’re engaged and probably will get married at some point but it’s not a priority for me as it’s a faff, massive expense and I’m very introverted (sounds like a nightmare)

The human brain doesn't stop maturing until 25.
You've been together two years.. that really is no time at all. You're really young, why rush.

I'm 36 and pregnant after IVF. DH and I started ttc 2019 and wish we had met when we were younger and started ttc sooner. We just assumed everything would be fine, as everyone else we know had children when they wanted them. You never know what will happen in life. If you're both in agreement about long term commitment to each other and are financially stable then age doesn't matter too much. We preferred to be married first for various reasons, but that's no everyone's priority.