To plan to start a family in early 20s

[chatterbug22]

As above- we are thinking about next year.

Me and my partner have been together two years and have our own home together. It is not a mansion but we have two decent sized bedrooms and everything we need for at least the next few years. We are educated and have good, secure jobs and are fortunate to be quite comfortable. We are not at maximum earning potential but that could be years off. I am really motivated to progress in my field and love what I do, I live and breathe for it and can’t picture myself in any other role.

I have always been very family orientated, I work with families day in day out and see both the joys and the struggles of having young children. I am naturally quite maternal but don’t just want a baby (as they of course grow up very quickly!) I want the toddler and the child phase too, the teenage phase doesn’t even wobble me that much. It looks like the furthest thing from easy. We both want to be young, in good health and with enough energy- it also matters to us that our future DC spend years knowing their grandparents and as long as possible with their great grandparents, who are the loveliest human beings but in their 70s now.

We enjoy nice holidays but don’t have the urge to travel the world as such, longer term we are on the same page and partner has hinted strongly that he’s planning to propose in the not so distant future. We’re smart about savings and seem to just be a bit beyond our years in that we’ve reached the phase it seems to be acceptable to reach when most people are late 20s. I would rather be relaxing in my 40s and taking it easier knowing DC are happy at university/in their jobs with the benefit of my full income to support. My auntie did just that and has no regrets but it seems so uncommon these days and people do raise an eyebrow… and perhaps for good reason?

I can see advantages to being done in your mid/late 20s, and also waiting until your late 30s to have your first for more patience and life experience. There are pros and cons for every choice always and not many people have the experience of both.

I just think it’s interesting how people’s attitudes towards family and what women should be doing at what age have shifted over time. So, would it be frowned upon where you live or quite normal?

It's not 'usual' where I live, but I had my eldest at 23, in a bit of a funny middle space between a very 'young mum' and average. He wasn't planned and we probably would have waited a few years but all has worked out well. Saying that, we were married and home owners which I would suggest doing both before having a baby.
However, it's not that young people normally think I am older and it hasn't been a barrier to making 'mum friends', most of my friends made through baby groups/nursery/school friends are older but it doesn't make a difference as not noticeable as we're all at the same life stage.

If it works for you, OP, go for it. Just make sure you have honest conversations about money and childcare before - many couples think everything is peachy until they start a family and realise they are on very different pages about who is expected to do what, pay for what and provide what support. You don't want to find yourself giving up your earning potential to care and pay for a child that your partner doesn't see as an equal responsibility. It can be seen many times on here - everything is great until a pregnancy happens.

Hiya OP, imo the cruellest thing for women and fertility is after 35, often before, it isn't what it was in your 20s. Pregancy becomes harder, more risky. And until you're 25, most people aren't a fully developed adult, legally and physically sure, but mentally no, brain isn't fully grown.
And most women want a career and security before bringing babies into the world. So the gap for it being a perfect time us rarely possible with every dynamic taking up some issue.
If you're secure, I wouldn't hesitate, I'd be bareback riding right now 🤣🤣
I was 20, I bought my first house alone and moved in 2 weeks after my eldest was born. I was married but that broke down, but we Co parent beautifully.
I am someone who adores children, I love being a mum and i enjoyed being a younger mum as much as I have a older one. (One baby at 20, one at 31) and I just grew with my youngest. He is the most well mannered, hard working, lovely boy.
I've enjoyed every second of being a mum, never once felt I missed out or when I did miss out never gave a fuck tbh. And he is so proud of me, he appreciates how young I was when he compares me to pals mums.
I've friends who left it til 37 and now need ivf but have flourishing careers.
I had a job, not a career, but I did well for us.
And in a heartbeat, I'd choose that path every single time.

haven't read the other posts just yours but go for it.

I'm 52 and sometimes I can't believe that my youngest is still only 16. I had him at a ''normal age'' though.

it must be lovely to get freedom back in your mid forties. For me it will be mid 50s, mid to late 50s.........

Also I think that when your kids are tiny and you take a slight lean out at work, it counts against you less when you return to lean back in, the younger you are.

I was forty something trying to lean back in. ykwim.

If you want to be married, I would get married first. You have plenty of time for all this stuff.

Get yourself married first, doesn't have to be a big wedding. Even just the formalities so you are protecting yourself if something goes wrong.

But otherwise, getting started young is a very smart move. I had mine at 24, 27, 32 and 34. Much easier in your twenties.

I think a major difference in your situation to most people in their early 20s is that you already have a home and a stable job.

I had my children young and I don’t regret it but I do regret not getting on the property ladder or having a stable job first as it’s caused endless issues with renting and low finances.

Where I live most people are having children in their 30s but it certainly wouldn’t be frowned on if you were a younger parent.

Even if you don't become a SAHM, statistically speaking your career and earning potential are significantly limited by becoming a mother.

This is a UK website, the majority of posters are in the UK, and in the UK there are no rights for unmarried cohabitants. Hence it is all about marriage.

I think early 20s is a bit young, tbh. Aside from the well documented evidence showing benefits for children of older mothers (socioeconomic status, health, behavioural, etc etc) the fact that in humans the brain isn't usually fully developed as an adult until around the age of 25 would make me think that waiting until mid 20s upwards is the sensible thing to do.

If you think you're going to get married, which is sensible as it provides you both with legal protection, especially when having children, why not do that first? That'll take at least a couple of years of planning and organising, which means you'll probably be hitting your mid 20s by the time it's done anyway.

My Sister had her 1st at 14yrs old her 2nd at 17yrs old her 3rd at 21yrs old her 4th at 32yrs old and her 5th child at 38 yrs old. Shes now 43 her youngest is 5. Its worked for her being a young Mum and being an older Mum.
Some of my friends had children in there teens, twenties, and some waited a bit longer till thirty odd.
Its no ones buisness what you and your partner choose to do. A lot of people frowned up on my sister because she was a teen pregnancy, including some family. It was no ones concern but hers. She created a life, thats amazing and my nephew was the outcome.
Unfortunatley I cant have children, but if I was able I would of liked to have mine between age 25 and 30 years old.
You have got your head screwed on and seem very sensible. Good luck to you.

It worked extremely well for me, and we didn't own our home at the time first was born when I was 22, nor had I really got started in my career, and managed both alongside bringing up our children. The advantages for me were/are:
Having much more energy when I needed it.
Having my freedom and independence back from my late 40s.
Getting the income drop over when i didn't earn much in the first place, and gradually increasing income in line with expenditure of growing children/teens.
Never feeling too great an age divide from my children, who I socialise with as friends.
In my early 50s, I do as I please. My same age friends with children from 10 to teens, plus aging parents, are exhausted and their careers are suffering now whereas I have no distractions and an easy life.
I will be a young grandma and hope to be here to see the next generation grow up.
My own parents were older, and quite honestly, I found it very difficult. They were very out of touch compared to those of my friends, and I lost my mum in my 30s and dad in my 40s. So for me the advantages of having children young far outweigh any disadvantages. But its a personal choice.

@bruce43mydog Jesus, 14!? That's fucking horrible, I hope she's safe and happy these days.

@MolliciousIntent Yeah my sister had her 1st at 14, everythig worked out perfect for her, shes a brilliant Mum. She stayed with her boyfriend at the time and had the next 2 children. Unfortunatly they split up and she got with some one else for her 4th child. Then she had the 5th child with her current partner.
Shes safe and happy and now has grandchildren that she adores.

Doesn't that remove people's right to live together without creating legal obligations they don't want?

I think the UK has got it right, actually. If you want to have legal obligations to each other, get married, if you don't, don't.

What is needed is more education for young people about the pros and cons of getting married. Too many people think it's just about the wedding.

@MolliciousIntent you don’t need to patronise me telling me this is a UK website. I’m typing from Zone 1 London I’m not stupid.

Statistically speaking it depends what field you’re in and really depends on how much you can possibly afford to spend on childcare. Married or not the outcome can remain the same. If the OP wants to have kid’s there’s no need for her to get married first (if they don’t want too) as it isn’t the be all and end all

I’m obviously biased because I’ve had one at 22 last year and my second at 23 this year🤷‍♀️

Do whatever the hell you want OP. It won’t be people on MN helping you through your career, relationship or day to day life so it doesn’t really matter what’s said

Thank you all - interesting perspectives! It’s good to read some of your own stories. If all the circumstances are right I’m not sure there is ever a perfect time.

Appreciate people offering things I might not have thought about. OH actually does the majority of the cooking and easily half the housework if not does more than I do a lot of weeks, so no concerns there. We want to marry long term but irrespective of that, I hope to always work full time as I think I would need it for my sense of self and to contribute, as well as stay active in my role. Employer is really family friendly and the maternity package is generous.

I think what irks me the most is that people act as if your life is over when you have kids. That just seems overly cynical.

Your carefree life is over the minute you become a mother and you can never go back. I think that’s why a lot of people are encouraging you to just enjoy yourself a little bit more first, my eldest is 23 this year and I worry about her as much today as I did when she was a toddler going into prep.

Agree with this to a certain extent.

What I would say is that it is much, much harder to have any independent, carefree time to yourself after you become a mother, especially in the early days. If you have a supportive partner who does their fair share of the parenting, and even better, if you also have a family support network around you, you can have some time off, but it is still a rare pleasure.

I left my son with my mother in law for the first time when he was about 6 weeks old. I went to have a pedicure and was gone for about two hours. During my maternity leave I left him with her a few times when I had medical appointments and so on. When he was about 6 months old, after a lot of encouragement from my husband, I went out for the evening with a friend. My son was still exclusively breastfed at that point, so it was tricky being away from him for more than about four hours, even though he would take a bottle of expressed milk if necessary. Not long after that I went for brunch in town with friends and was away from him for about five hours. I remember walking through the city to get back to the station, enjoying the sunshine and the freedom, only having my handbag on me and being able to browse in shops if I wanted to. It felt amazing, but also kind of crazy that such a small, simple thing was freedom for me now. The context to all of this is that I went back to work full time when my son was 7 months old. He had a month at home with his dad - which I really highly recommend - and then went to a childminder full time at 8 months old. I live in a country where most women only take 4 months maternity leave, so mine was seen as quite long. I also have a job which involves a fair amount of travel. I had one night away for work the week after I went back, and had done a 5 day transatlantic trip before he was a year old, and another one two months later. He is now 15 months old and I have just had a weekend away to visit my friends back home. All of this has only been possible because my husband is as much the primary caregiver as I am. Lots of women don't have that kind of relationship or support, or don't feel able to be away from their babies for even short amounts of time, and as a result, there are many mothers of children 18 months old or more who still haven't had a single night out, let alone been away from their children overnight. All of this comes down to choice about how you and your partner choose to parent, and what kind of support system you have. I guess my point here is that you can have some freedom, but it's very difficult for you and your partner to both have free time together without the baby, and free time on your own needs to be planned in advance. Your days of spontaneous child-free fun are over for the foreseeable future.

I really would prioritise getting married first, though, if that's what you want to do eventually.

Not unusual at all . In my opinion, it's the far better option than waiting for mid to late 30s. Just make sure you make lots of mum friends, and you'll be fine.

OP you keep posting threads like this which suggests deep down you know it's not the right thing to do. But honestly, you do you. Mumsnet doesn't need to keep validating how 'beyond your years' you think you are.

Op early - mid 20's is ideal.
I wouldn't pay too much attention of what others will think of you, obviously you & your partner know what you both want so grab it while you can; especially when you say you're naturally maternal.
Don't be swayed by all the " miracle " pregnancy of women in their mid/late 30's & early 40's because they are few & far between.
Yes children are expensive but so is IVF if you leave it too late or later discover your fertility is great.

Pregnancy rates % decline from age 30 & again at 35 dramatically! That's just a scientific fact.

do you have savings?

the economy is in an absolute crisis - no such thing as a 'secure' job when shit hits the fan

where did OP say she was a homeowner?

At your age I’d use this time to travel, holiday, eat out, save for a larger house and squirrel money in to your pensions. Plus it gives you a few more years with your partner - two years isn’t that long to know someone, and we all change a lot between 20 and 30.

I’d leave it and reassess five years down the line - you’ll still be very young!