To plan to start a family in early 20s

[chatterbug22]

As above- we are thinking about next year.

Me and my partner have been together two years and have our own home together. It is not a mansion but we have two decent sized bedrooms and everything we need for at least the next few years. We are educated and have good, secure jobs and are fortunate to be quite comfortable. We are not at maximum earning potential but that could be years off. I am really motivated to progress in my field and love what I do, I live and breathe for it and can’t picture myself in any other role.

I have always been very family orientated, I work with families day in day out and see both the joys and the struggles of having young children. I am naturally quite maternal but don’t just want a baby (as they of course grow up very quickly!) I want the toddler and the child phase too, the teenage phase doesn’t even wobble me that much. It looks like the furthest thing from easy. We both want to be young, in good health and with enough energy- it also matters to us that our future DC spend years knowing their grandparents and as long as possible with their great grandparents, who are the loveliest human beings but in their 70s now.

We enjoy nice holidays but don’t have the urge to travel the world as such, longer term we are on the same page and partner has hinted strongly that he’s planning to propose in the not so distant future. We’re smart about savings and seem to just be a bit beyond our years in that we’ve reached the phase it seems to be acceptable to reach when most people are late 20s. I would rather be relaxing in my 40s and taking it easier knowing DC are happy at university/in their jobs with the benefit of my full income to support. My auntie did just that and has no regrets but it seems so uncommon these days and people do raise an eyebrow… and perhaps for good reason?

I can see advantages to being done in your mid/late 20s, and also waiting until your late 30s to have your first for more patience and life experience. There are pros and cons for every choice always and not many people have the experience of both.

I just think it’s interesting how people’s attitudes towards family and what women should be doing at what age have shifted over time. So, would it be frowned upon where you live or quite normal?

The only reason you get married these days is for inheritance tax purposes if you think you’ll likely to go over the threshold I believe you can leave each other a larger amount tax free.
and if you’re going to be a stay at home mom and not contribute towards the mortgage.
but anybody who thinks marriage gives you any kind of legal protection is incredibly naive the courts want to clean break in the event of divorce.

@5128gap The party of the brain that's still developing isn't anything to do with intellectual ability, it's actually the part that gives you the ability to regulate emotions and impulse control. So intellectually you're probably as developed as you'll ever be in your early 20s (albeit with less knowledge, which you get over time); but in terms of how you react to emotional situations you're probably closer to his you were in adolescence than adulthood.

There are physical advantages for the parent in having children younger, although not young; and also in terms of being able to carry to term, although again this is not a huge difference when you log at the evidence; but for the children there are proven benefits to having older mothers, and also fathers which go beyond basic biology, and sometimes because of it. I wouldn't say the overall benefits of being a younger parent outweigh the overall benefits of being an older parent at all, that's just not factually correct.

Well most of the things put forward as the advantages of older parenthood are matters of opinion not matters of fact.
Much revolves around greater wealth, which arguably, provided the parents' income exceeds a certain baseline, are subjective.
Other advantages are around parental preference, to build careers, have freedom in youth, which, while valid lifestyle choices, don't actually benefit the child.
Any 'proven' benefits to having an older mother will not have been assessed with chronological age as the only variable, as all else being equal, greater age cannot possibly be an advantage.
There are however significant disadvantages to older parenthood, which do result entirely from age.
There are many good reasons why people choose to delay becoming parents, and that's perfectly fine, but I see no justification in encouraging the OP to do so on the grounds its the better choice, when, given her circumstances, why would it be?

If you have a house already then it sounds like you're in a good position to have children.
The only issues I can see:

• 2 years relationship isn't really that long, and given that you're in your early 20s both you and your partner might change a lot in the coming years.


• you haven't really had time to enjoy (young) adult life without kids, and once you have kids, you won't have this opportunity again. Once they grow up, you won't be young anymore, so it won't be the same.


• it's better to be married before having kids

I'd personally wait for a few years.

I had my first child just over two years after meeting DH. Squeezed in a quick wedding at the registry office before having my eldest DC. You know when you know....

@User48751490 good point, that sounds so nice

I cannot believe how many people still believe marriage is a better foundation to have children or offers you better protection.

Can someone please explain how and why?

Personally I think it is too soon to be trying for a child when you are only just in your 20's and have only been with your partner for two years and have not long been living with them. People change a lot at that age. I don't see the rush. I know several couples who got together at a young age and are still together 30 years later but they waited till 25+ to have children. It's not about wanting holidays and partying but about getting to know and growing with your partner.

Ha ha

I learnt the hard way. Walked away with NOTHING.

HTH

In an ideal world having kids in your early 20s makes a lot of sense, rather than having a career interruption later on when you may have more on the line. It's advantageous health wise too, and you are more likely to be able to be involved with any grand-kids you have eventually.

The reasons so many people have them later revolve around things like longer education, but also we expect people to behave like kids and avoid settling down until well into adulthood. Both are now exaggerated in a lot of cases to an extent that is more detrimental than healthy.

Because in general it offers you somewhat better protection if you divorce, compared to just living together, and certainly better options if your spouse dies.

Divorce laws are arguably somewhat weak in the UK but as a mum who has, say, a disabled child that is unexpected, it's better than a big fat nothing.

So marry for financial gain, not because its better for children?

Being married would offer me no more protection. If anything, it would add to the difficult of separating with the additional costs of the divorce.
Life insurance and naming the correct person as your next of kin is an option.
Being financially independent is the biggest piece of advice I would give someone planning on having children. Do not disproportionately give up too much of your life if your partner is not prepared to do the same. Not 'get married'...

@CJones11 So marry for financial gain, not because its better for children?

For financial protection. Being financially independent is definitely preferable but you're being naive if you think circumstances can't change. Look at PP above who has mentioned a disabled child. If you had to give up your career to look after the child and DP works to support the household for a few years then runs off with a younger model, what are you going to do?

I disagree, getting married or entering into a civil partnership is very easy to do.

I know the counter-argument is that men won't get married and women are then vulnerable - well don't have babies with them then! It's not down to the state to protect people from themselves.

But to return to the OP - I think early 20s is a bit young, I was still a kid myself. But mid to late 20s has a lot of upsides. I was 30 when I had my son and I think that was ideal. 20s is definitely better than 40s.

As for doing things in your 20s, I couldn't do all the travelling other people did because DH didn't earn enough. Having two incomes doesn't mean you can afford to hotfoot it to the Maldives/equivalent expensive location every year (though I have a friend who really did travel round like that before she had her dd - also at 30).

"If you have a house already then it sounds like you're in a good position to have children."

The OP doesn't.

Me and my partner have been together two years and have our own home together

Right in the first post?

Compromise and not completely give up my career. It is old fashioned to think it is the woman's responsibility to give up all ambition for children. Men can go part time too? Men can be stay at home parents if necessary. No matter your circumstances, there is always a way to give yourself some financial independence and thinking there is not is the very start of being oppressed in society. OPTIONS!

Marrying someone to protect money incase they run off is the most dreadful reason for marriage I have ever heard.

I'm not saying OP shouldn't consider marriage if that is something they as a couple would want. I am, however, very surprised at how many women believe marriage gives you some sort of security in relationships and stability for children.

Marrying someone to protect money incase they run off is the most dreadful reason for marriage I have ever heard.

This though..... "I vow to take half of your money and the family home when you inevitably fuck up and I leave you... Its in the kids best interest" ... I now pronounce you man and wife 😅

We didn't own our own house when we had our first. I was still in my final year of my undergraduate degree and we rented. Then, I worked evenings and weekends to juggle having a baby and not wanting to be completely dependent on my partner. We saved for a while, bought our house and began renovating. If at any point someone suggested to me 'get married because you have a child' I would have laughed. It is completely unnecessary.
OP may not be in the ideal situation, granted, but marriage is not the answer!
Buying their own home may be a priority first but then again, many people do not wish to own their own home and are comfortable renting. Getting on the property ladder is extremely difficult too and with the average age of first time buyers being around 34, fertility may be an issue by that point.
The point is, no situation is ideal and no age is most appropriate. It is very subjective and all that's important is women are aware of the ways in society they can be oppressed (lower pension contributions, less career progression, losing out on wages when DC is sick, being a SAHM) and how to protect themselves.

Who said romance is dead? 🤣

@CJones11 Marrying someone to protect money incase they run off is the most dreadful reason for marriage I have ever heard.

Marriage is a legal and financial contract. Romance isn't the reason for marriage. What do you think is a good reason for marriage?

Anyway, it's a moot point really. I'm not advocating OP gets married, IMO she's far too young and her relationship is too new.

It is old fashioned to think it is the woman's responsibility to give up all ambition for children. Men can go part time too? Men can be stay at home parents if necessary.

It's also the statistically likely reality though. Also this still applies for men being SAHPs, if my partner gave up work to look after our (hypothetical) kids I'd expect him to protect himself financially too.

"We didn't own our own house when we had our first."

Lots of people don't. My grandparents never owned their own home.
It does look to me though that the OP is trying give the impression she is more 'settled' than she is and why do that.

OP you should do what you want. Some have babies in their teens, some in their 20’s, some in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s. There is pro’s and con’s to every age.

We suffered a loss in April and I’m 27. I’m married and have been with DH for 5 years. I wish I started a little earlier, but my age is still relatively young. My goal has always been 2 before I turn 30. It could still happen, but I’ve realised since my loss that sometimes things don’t work out the way you want or plan!

Now all I’m going to say is… if you’re asking for opinions and are considering wether to do it or not. Maybe that’s a sign your aren’t FULLY ready? When we started ttc we knew we was ready and didn’t ask wether to go for it or not from others so I’m wondering if maybe you are almost ready, but not quite? Could you maybe give it until 2023. Have another6 months together, go on a couple more holidays? Get stuff done in house then in Jan have this chat again with partner and go from there?

good luck OP! xx

It’s a very good idea OP, for these reasons:

1. Your body will recover from the pregnancy and birth way better. Childbirth is a bit like running a marathon, and a twenty year old body is a lot better at it than a forty year old body.
2. You’re much more likely to have a healthy pregnancy and child at your age.
3. You have soooo much more energy to help you cope with the night time wakings and running around playgrounds.
4. Your children will be at school well before you’re age thirty and you’ll have all the time in the world after that to build a career that you won’t have to destroy by having children in your thirties.
5. You’ll be able to choose how many children you have. Most women I know wanted more than their eggs would make. I was only able to produce one child and then ran out of time sadly. (Fyi IVF is physically painful, very expensive, and mostly doesn’t work.)

I think a lot of women in your generation will make the same decision, having seen how utterly shit it all was for the women in mine. Just make sure that you’re married (for the legal protections eg spousal occupancy rights) and your childcare/finance plans are sorted.