To plan to start a family in early 20s

[chatterbug22]

As above- we are thinking about next year.

Me and my partner have been together two years and have our own home together. It is not a mansion but we have two decent sized bedrooms and everything we need for at least the next few years. We are educated and have good, secure jobs and are fortunate to be quite comfortable. We are not at maximum earning potential but that could be years off. I am really motivated to progress in my field and love what I do, I live and breathe for it and can’t picture myself in any other role.

I have always been very family orientated, I work with families day in day out and see both the joys and the struggles of having young children. I am naturally quite maternal but don’t just want a baby (as they of course grow up very quickly!) I want the toddler and the child phase too, the teenage phase doesn’t even wobble me that much. It looks like the furthest thing from easy. We both want to be young, in good health and with enough energy- it also matters to us that our future DC spend years knowing their grandparents and as long as possible with their great grandparents, who are the loveliest human beings but in their 70s now.

We enjoy nice holidays but don’t have the urge to travel the world as such, longer term we are on the same page and partner has hinted strongly that he’s planning to propose in the not so distant future. We’re smart about savings and seem to just be a bit beyond our years in that we’ve reached the phase it seems to be acceptable to reach when most people are late 20s. I would rather be relaxing in my 40s and taking it easier knowing DC are happy at university/in their jobs with the benefit of my full income to support. My auntie did just that and has no regrets but it seems so uncommon these days and people do raise an eyebrow… and perhaps for good reason?

I can see advantages to being done in your mid/late 20s, and also waiting until your late 30s to have your first for more patience and life experience. There are pros and cons for every choice always and not many people have the experience of both.

I just think it’s interesting how people’s attitudes towards family and what women should be doing at what age have shifted over time. So, would it be frowned upon where you live or quite normal?

I think the opposite. I think people who have had ~15 years to do as they please and put themselves First struggle to adjust to a baby more.

I don’t know if you realise this, but having children is about more than giving birth and breastfeeding? There’s about 18 years of full time care after that.

The thing is, the done and relaxing thing in your 40s isn't guaranteed - eg if you have children with additional needs, or who just can't be self sufficient until much later on.

The only guaranteed time to enjoy no commitments is before children, so if you're happy you've had enough of that ahead then crack on.

I don't think two years is that long though, I'm glad to have had much more time as a couple than that. I also agree about getting married first.

Two years in and I assume just out of uni you barely know each other and are still very much in the honeymoon period of your relationship. Personally I would wait a bit longer, but you are an adult and being an adult is about making your own decisions and owning any mistakes. really think carefully about getting married before ttc and discuss in detail both your expectations on how finances, sharing childcare, housework, etc all will work.

How old are you thinking about having children?
Also you say partner, rather than husband.
Personally I don't think mid twenties is young, ive knows my now husband since I was 13. So by the time we went to uni and got jobs we got a mortgage together at 23 and married by 25. Kids didn't happen for us at the age we planned (27) and had my daughter at 30. I felt old for being a ftm (really don't know why as statistically I'm not and plenty of people are having their first child mid to late 30s)

@WTF475878237NC what on earth are you on about?

I married young and had children "young" it's what I always wanted, and now I'm 38, lots of my friends just having their first and I get all the cuddles and a teenager I can send over for babysitting

So much easier to have a child in your 20s, physically and mentally.

I would do it, but get married first. I didn't meet DH until I was 29, married at 31 then fertility issues meant I've had my one child at 34. I've not been able to have more.

I think if my DS met someone early 20s and wanted to get married and have kids and was stable, I would say go for it.

The biggest reason to be wary is that a) you haven't actually been with your partner that long and b) you are statistically pretty unlikely to be with him in 20 years' time, which introduces a whole raft of complications and financial challenge. And no, nobody can ever guarantee being 2getha 4eva, but you do tip the odds more in your favour by waiting a little longer to commit.

I had my last of four children at 30, it was lovely to be able to space them how I wanted and not be rushing. I had my first at 23.

There's no reason you can't pay into a pension while on mat leave / career break if you can afford to

Right partner is the key imho, if you have that you're most of the way there. Don't do it unmarried though. Just don't.

I was 21 having my first. I'll be having having my second at 26 and wouldn't change a thing. My partner and I were childhood sweethearts, literally been together since I was 13.

I finished my degree and got my PGCE while having a child.
You do what you feel works best for your situation😊

Go for it OP and all the best of luck! I had my first child at 27 and wish I’d started sooner!

I had my first at 24 and second at 26. Don't regret a thing, enjoyed my children and I now have weekends away, a career that's now set for the next 20 years, nice home, money etc. I've really enjoyed it. Only issue is my marriage didn't last but I am remarried. I don't think there's a right or wrong and you should do what works for you

Oh and I breastfed and safely co-slept with each child until at least 18 months.... not that it means I was any more unselfish or committed than any other mum!

Do whatever you feel is right. For me personally I would not have TTC with a ‘strong hint’ of a proposal - it was important to us to be married.

You’re fortunate that your education must have been short and you’re not in a career requiring complete dedication to progress.

However don’t make the mistake of thinking you’re ‘ahead’ of others because of some very conventional and rather easy to achieve ‘goals’. That was the part of your post that suggested to me you had a little maturing to do.

Completely normal where I’m from to have your babies in your early 20’s. I had my first at 20 and my second a bit later at 27. I would have liked to have had my second a bit sooner but life happened. I probably won’t have any more as I don’t want to be an older mum.

"I would rather be relaxing in my 40s and taking it easier knowing DC are happy at university/in their jobs with the benefit of my full income to support"

Life may not work out that way.

Personally in your situation I would wait a few more years and get married first. You will still be a mum in your 20s.

Go for it by all means. I had my first at 35 and it would have been nice to be a teensy bit younger.

it is definitely easier to progress a career before having kids though. I mean if you’re committed and happy to pay for childcare that’s fine. But I am just getting back into my career after 9 years doing a mix of part time and Sahm. Finding the energy to develop a career alongside dealing with smalls is really hard. Well it was for me. I was VERY fortunate to have a high earning husband which means I could take a step back and prioritise the kids.

Remember as well. LIFE

I married at 19, trying by 21, solicitor. Eight losses, three failed IVF and a broken me later, a baby arrived then another as I hit 40. By this point all my friends have ten year olds and nobody is interested in a baby and toddler under two.

So you do what you want to do, and go for it, because remember, sometimes things don't work out as planned.

I had 3 children, married and was on our 2nd home (which is nearly paid off) by 26. I'm now 43 and so glad we did it that way! I actually had my first at 20 (planned) and she is now a teacher and just buying her first home 🏠. Our 2nd has just finished a history degree with the youngest starting A levels in September. We have travelled far and wide with and more recently without them.

Dh sadly has stage 4 terminal cancer and probably won't make it to this Christmas ☹️ I'm so grateful our children have been able to grow up with their daddy. I can't imagine going through this with young toddlers/children.

Oh and agree definitely get married first

You sound like you've got your head screwed on!

I got married at 22 and got pregnant at 23. So not mega early but early enough. I'm only 25 now so I won't pretend I have loads of wisdom, but all I can say is that I have a very happy life. All my friends are going to wait until they're older - they certainly have equally happy lives. I wouldn't trade my life for theirs, though, as I am totally certain that getting started early is right for me (and I'm quite sure they wouldn't trade with me either).

I personally didn't want to try for a baby until we were married as I wouldn't have felt financially comfortable otherwise, but to each their own. As I said, you sound sensible so I don't see why you shouldn't go for it!

Ignore this OP.

Go for it! There will always be negative comments about starting a family young. Going by what you've said, I think you're both more than ready. Good luck 😄

Why not if you are financially stable? I was 25 when my first was born and 28 with the second. Now 43 and life is great with older teens. Lots of my friends have started much later and although sometimes I felt I was missing out in my 20's now I feel I am getting my life back and don't envy them dealing with young kids.

I'm old so was normal to have children in your 20s, I was married at 21🤷 mortgage by 22, uni at 43 with three kids🙃 each to their own. I see professionals at work waiting til late 30s, having fertility problems and having to spend a fortune on IVF and then in their 40s with young children and tired+++ I do not regret the way I did it. You need the energy of youth for babies/toddlers and the most important thing is that they are wanted and loved whatever the time💐