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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher DH and childcare in summer holidays

373 replies

totallybonafido · 27/07/2022 13:51

DH is at home with the 2 DC while I'm at work. DS goes to nursery term time only, as we agreed that it doesn't make sense to pay for childcare while DH is at home with DD anyway.

DH is clearly resenting the loss of his child-free summer holidays, where he would be free to please himself for the whole 6 weeks. I am getting several messages a day about how much the DC are pissing him off and winding him up and how he hates his life. I know what it's like, I have looked after the DC by myself several days a week while I was on mat leave. DH has let them get to him way too much and has worked himself up into an absolute rage. I've been considering going home early today to take over as DH is not handling it well at all.

AIBU to think that DH just needs to suck it up? It's not even for the full 6 weeks as we'll have family help for some of it and will also be going on holiday as a family for a week. I do understand how he feels as he's losing one of the big benefits of being a teacher, but I only have limited holiday and don't get any time off work by myself either.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 27/07/2022 13:52

Yanbu. He needs a reality check.

Chickychoccyegg · 27/07/2022 13:54

I would have no patience with dh in this situation, obviously you don't have the school holidays to yourself when you have dc, it's a bonus he's a teacher as you only have to pay for term time childcare, tell him to suck it up and get a grip

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 27/07/2022 13:54

Is it his first summer doing this? I found going full time at home with dc a nightmare and dh probably got a disproportionate amount of venting texts because it's considered poor parenting to roar fuck off at kids. But I got used to it after a while.

Daffodilsdance · 27/07/2022 13:55

He is being unreasonable. I have found the biggest benefit of being a teacher is spending the one to one time with ds.

Wnikat · 27/07/2022 13:56

It’s only day 3. Does he usually have anger management issues?

cherrybonbons · 27/07/2022 13:57

I get he's being unreasonable. But I was in this position and found it relentless. Especially with young pre school children. I would actually consider one day a week in nursery just to get some down time for DH. Teaching is hard! Do you take all your annual leave in school holidays OP?

On paper I get it.... but actually I think the benefits of a child free day will help hugely.

sashagabadon · 27/07/2022 13:57

Jeepers - it's only day 1
female teachers seem to manage this change when they have kids ok - many say this is why they like being teachers - school holidays off with the kids!
depending on age of children many councils run cheapish summer schemes and so he should research booking them into those for some days. I'd leave it to him to sort though - not you!

notanothertakeaway · 27/07/2022 13:57

I've been considering going home early today to take over as DH is not handling it well at all Absolutely, do not do this! It'll set a precedent

It's not even for the full 6 weeks as we'll have family help for some of it I fail to see why you need any family help at all, but that's a matter for you, if you have family who are willing to help

Eunorition · 27/07/2022 13:58

He is basically threatening your children's safety, and/or mental health, if you do not stop work and do all the childcare so he can sit on the sofa and be a child too. He 'hates his life'? He's 'in an absolute rage'? They 'piss him off'? What a dismal experience for those poor kids. And he knows he's holding their well-being over your head.

I wouldn't tolerate a man who cannot competently and lovingly parent his children. If he's an 'enraged' risk to them he can fuck off and sit in a bedsit, alone and single and enjoying his long, lonely summer holiday.

Your kids come first, and he's doing nothing for them.

AnneElliott · 27/07/2022 13:59

Surely the benefit of being a teacher is that you do get the holidays with your own children?

I get kids are difficult (I've only got one and he was a bolter and a climber) but they are his children! Doesn't he look after them at weekends etc?

I do feel he'd have to suck it up if he was a woman!

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 27/07/2022 14:00

I'm a teacher (ex is too but its just me now). He's being a twat. They're his children - yes they are relentless and annoying quite a lot of the time but that's parenting. Maybe he needs to be a bit more creative and think of actual activities and outings to structure the day a bit - TV til 9am to give everyone time to get going, then craft or garden play or park visit or whatever. Home for naps and lunch, then a different one in the afternoon, with a "break" for juice and biscuits and then one more, maybe a walk or scoot until you're home. Almost think of it as a timetable, with masses of flexibility to allow for weather, moods, etc but structured periods of time.

MeenzAmRhoi · 27/07/2022 14:00

Wow. It's pretty ridiculous he can't watch his own children without going into a rage...it's only been ONE day.

How old are the DC out of interest?

gemloving · 27/07/2022 14:01

Different opinion here.

I personally would continue to send my child to nursery. I never had both of mine full time for that long. My eldest always went to nursery and I only them 2 days a week together which was enough. It's hard graft, stressful and so undervalued.

I always said, if I wanted to work in childcare, I'd work in a nursery. To me, it would 100% make sense to pay for childcare at least for a few days even if one parent is at home aka as I was on mat leave.

Grimchmas · 27/07/2022 14:01

For goodness sake don't go home early and rescue him, talk about making a rod for your own back!!

He has children. He needs to look after them. Tough shit.

LividLaVidaLoca · 27/07/2022 14:02

He’s a dick reacting like this, BUT.

Mine is in nursery three days a week over summer and I NEED that time to catch up on work/life/have a poo uninterrupted.

He should pay for childcare but it really isn’t unreasonable for him to want it.

You should also get some time alone, it’s not a race to the bottom.

PersonaNonGarter · 27/07/2022 14:03

Do not go home early.

Stone cold.

EL8888 · 27/07/2022 14:03

100% he needs to suck it up. He sounds lazy, entitled and selfish

switswoo81 · 27/07/2022 14:03

He needs to get over himself. I have my dc every day I'm not working as a teacher. They go to childcare beside my school so I don't even get commute by myself!
That's life and parenting...use this time to make up for all the time apart during termtime.
Yes I look back to those long pre children summer days but they are most definitely gone (for now.)

Interesting on the other thread though it was felt by a significant amount teachers could use childcare all summer and not be judged.

Cherryana · 27/07/2022 14:05

I have always added childcare into my summer holidays as there is an element that you do need to recharge, have time to do a bit of work and not go at such a frenetic pace.

What it looked like has varied from two days a week at a holiday club to mornings only at a club, to using a childminder for a few hours.

Now, they are older (9 and 12) it’s no extra childcare and I probably didn’t last year.

Ninspeedles · 27/07/2022 14:06

Eunorition · 27/07/2022 13:58

He is basically threatening your children's safety, and/or mental health, if you do not stop work and do all the childcare so he can sit on the sofa and be a child too. He 'hates his life'? He's 'in an absolute rage'? They 'piss him off'? What a dismal experience for those poor kids. And he knows he's holding their well-being over your head.

I wouldn't tolerate a man who cannot competently and lovingly parent his children. If he's an 'enraged' risk to them he can fuck off and sit in a bedsit, alone and single and enjoying his long, lonely summer holiday.

Your kids come first, and he's doing nothing for them.

Or he's having a mental health meltdown and is being honest and open with OP. Maybe it's not a threat and actually the reality of the situation

My goodness I've had some meltdowns over the kids before and that has just been over a weekend. I wouldn't fancy 6 weeks full time kids with no respite.

OP, for the sake of your kids and family balance, listen when people are having meltdowns and saying they hate their life and try not to do what every other poster here has done and belittle someone for being honest about their struggles.

Maybe look at one day a week child care of holiday camp to balance if out. I assume you get annual leave so can also take a couple of days here and there over the next few weeks?

Cuppaand2biscuits · 27/07/2022 14:06

Before I get shot, I do think it's harder for men, especially if he's a teacher so not able to do drop offs and pick ups at school.
I love being off with my kids but that's largely because I have lots of wonderful friends who are the parents of my children's friends and we find strength in numbers!
I think I'd find it a completely different experience if I didn't have anyone to meet up with and chat to while the kids play.

clary · 27/07/2022 14:09

Jesus OP what the heck? How old are they – if at school they are at least beyond the most trying age (which I would categorise as 2-3yo)? I used to be a teacher and one of the mahoosive benefits was the holidays – not that I was swanning about doing nothing at all, but I could stop the mad dance to sort childcare for my DC (I became a teacher later in life). Mine were aged 7-9-11 when I started working in schools which may be older than yours but still.

I used to say to them I would work early (so would get up and work 8-11, say) and then the day was ours – just meant I could ferry them about and play games and take them to the park. It was really good. Maybe I have rose-tinted specs but I remember enjoying it.

Does your DH need a plan of stuff to do? It needn’t be expensive – DD (now 21) was recalling the other day how we used to go to every free/low cost event at local museums and NT places – crafty things, garden trails, outdoor games, superhero events. Or we would go to the pool, go to McD’s for a milkshake, play board games, meet up with a friend.

I’m sorry he doesn’t enjoy his own DC a bit more.

To the poster who asks Do you take all your annual leave in school holidays OP? - well, most working parents do exactly that iME. No choice really.

Lapland123 · 27/07/2022 14:10

Strange how all the many female teachers I know manage to do this every year, and regard it as a major benefit that they can care for their own kids on summer and other school hols ( to try to balance out the complete lack of flexibility in term time)

who does your husband think should be caring for his children?

ZenNudist · 27/07/2022 14:10

If you could afford it it might be nice to get dd into a club. Drama club lasting a week with a production at the end of it would be nice for her but costs about £150.

My dc are doing wood school £30 per day. It's great. You get to light fires and whittle with real knives!!

I think sports and craft clubs are a bit rubbish really. Anything cheap is just childcar

My local music service does 9am to 3pm some holidays for infants doing singing violin piano and ukulele. Again about £30.

The youngest could have a day a week in nursery but at £50+ around here per day I wouldn't want to do it.

VariationsonaTheme · 27/07/2022 14:12

He needs to get over it, you don’t get to have ‘solo’ holidays once you have kids. However, it is hard to fill the days for six weeks when they’re little and need a lot of entertaining. Once they got to about 7 I loved my six weeks at home with them. And I’m never not grateful for the money we’ve saved in childcare I’ve rather years.

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