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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher DH and childcare in summer holidays

373 replies

totallybonafido · 27/07/2022 13:51

DH is at home with the 2 DC while I'm at work. DS goes to nursery term time only, as we agreed that it doesn't make sense to pay for childcare while DH is at home with DD anyway.

DH is clearly resenting the loss of his child-free summer holidays, where he would be free to please himself for the whole 6 weeks. I am getting several messages a day about how much the DC are pissing him off and winding him up and how he hates his life. I know what it's like, I have looked after the DC by myself several days a week while I was on mat leave. DH has let them get to him way too much and has worked himself up into an absolute rage. I've been considering going home early today to take over as DH is not handling it well at all.

AIBU to think that DH just needs to suck it up? It's not even for the full 6 weeks as we'll have family help for some of it and will also be going on holiday as a family for a week. I do understand how he feels as he's losing one of the big benefits of being a teacher, but I only have limited holiday and don't get any time off work by myself either.

OP posts:
antelopevalley · 27/07/2022 14:40

totallybonafido · 27/07/2022 14:29

no, if I thought they were actually in danger I'd be home like a shot!

Show quote history

Apologies, you have replied. I am so relieved to hear they are not in actual danger.
It sounds like manipulation to me then to say he is an absolute rage. Sure he is struggling we all get that. Do not get home early. He has to find ways to make this easier like we all do.

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/07/2022 14:41

The only way to improve this is for him to plan better.

So, some days out with you helping with the prep the night before.

Some days out with people who will help ie fun Uncle, best friend.

Family come to stay for a day or two.

Paid activities, especially for the older one. A few days at a sports camp etc one week would be lovely for them.

Also, accept that the summer holidays means a messy house, easy meals and take away.

Even those of us who lived the pre-school stage felt the summer holiday was torture sometimes.

Original poster
totallybonafido · 27/07/2022 14:41

BatshitCrazyWoman · 27/07/2022 14:35

He can moan a bit about it (was a SAHM when mine were that age, and you can definitely have bad days 😂) BUT it's part of parenting and I really think he needs to suck it up. Learn how to plan his time with them, activities to do and so on. Don't go home early, whatever you do, parents up and down the country care for their children all day, he can too!!

What age group does he teach?

he teaches secondary

OP posts:
Glitterspy · 27/07/2022 14:41

Wtf, he’s a teacher, he gets loads of holidays and HE chose that as a career AND to have children!

GregoryFluff · 27/07/2022 14:43

brookstar · 27/07/2022 14:21

Before I get shot, I do think it's harder for men, especially if he's a teacher so not able to do drop offs and pick ups at school.

Why is it harder for men?
Why does being able to do the school run make a difference?

I think they meant that generally the parent that does pick ups/drop offs tends to make friends with the other Mums/Nans/Dads, and having somebody to meet up with and do play dates with just makes life a bit easier
Mine isn't school age yet, but I'm lucky that I have a few good friends with similar age kids and meeting up for them to play together whilst we have coffee/catch up/bit of a moan sometimes can really break long days up and just gives you a bit if adult company

10HailMarys · 27/07/2022 14:44

If he wanted six weeks of child-free holiday every summer, he shouldn't have had kids.

Maytodecember · 27/07/2022 14:44

Good Lord what is wrong with him? This is called life.
How come I was a single parent, two kids, thought I was bloody lucky to be a teacher and get the holidays off so I could a) be at home with my kids and b) earn a bit of extra money by doing a side job at home in the summer holidays. And somehow all 3 of us survived……..
He wants to get a grip and grow up. If he can organise and class of children he can organise his own.

Fairislefandango · 27/07/2022 14:46

Yes of course he needs to suck it up. I'm a secondary teacher and found looking after my own two under 5s an absolute piece of cake by comparison with a roomful of teenagers.

Unless he's utterly incompetent, it's not that he can't handle it, it's that he doesn't want to. Because holidays are for chilling out and doing whatever you fancy, right? Not if you're a parent!

clary · 27/07/2022 14:47

All the people saying “teaching is hard work and he needs a holiday too” – yeps, sure thing teaching is hard work (I know this as I was a teacher) but other jobs are hard work too, and the vast vast majority of parents I know and have known take all their holidays from their non-teaching job during, yes, school holidays!

Even when I was a teacher, DH took all his time off during school holidays. Funnily enough he wanted to see and spend time with his DC.

The only times this changed was if the DC had an inset and I had to be in school – then DH would take the day.

If you don’t have a teacher in the household then holiday childcare is a total nightmare, without even thinking of taking random days off in term time.

However I do agree with those who say some time off might be a good idea and helpful for the DC too – is there even a playscheme they can do? Our local church did a mornings-only one which was free or small donation and he could leave the older one at least. Otherwise his best shot is to have a mega plan which includes some mornings at soft play where he can sit with a coffee. That’s called a break when you have infant-age DC.

Original poster
totallybonafido · 27/07/2022 14:49

A lot of people have asked about paid childcare over the summer, I don't want to be too specific in case he reads this but we do have some days in nursery/camp planned. He won't be on his own with them for the whole summer at all, but I think he's just having a really bad day. He has just said to me that he accepts that he needs to get on with it. I would feel just the same, I don't really enjoy having the DC on my own as they are very demanding, I am rather glad that I can escape to work in the holidays and wouldn't want to be a teacher!

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/07/2022 14:49

Boohoo him- young kids need entertaining and he doesn’t want to put in the work.
He can pay for childcare if he wants, your eldest can go to a holiday camp, but it can come from his money imo.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 27/07/2022 14:50

totallybonafido · 27/07/2022 14:41

he teaches secondary

Show quote history

God, I think teenagers are harder work 😂

Blackbird2020 · 27/07/2022 14:53

I have an interesting theory that some (and I say some ) teachers thrive because of the structured control of teaching.

Maybe your DH is one of those types? I can imagine there’s not much structured control going on with a 3 and a 5 year old! Especially if he wants to hang his teaching hat up for the holidays!

Janeycraney · 27/07/2022 14:54

First let him know how stressful you find getting these messages- he may just be venting and no idea how he’s coming across.

Then speak to him about ideas of things he can do with the kids. Surely he has other teacher friends flying solo with their kids? Meet up at a soft play/play park with them?

my husband is a teacher too and we have the same set up. His strategy is to keep very busy doing fun things with them. He exhausts them then gets and hour or so to himself while they nap at home. Of course the little horrors then won’t go to bed at a reasonable hour but he’s got me to share the load with at that stage

Lapland123 · 27/07/2022 14:55

I thought all parents used all their annual leave to cover what of the 13 +weeks of school hols each year.
i don’t understand parents who think their annual leave should be for themselves- don’t they realise they have kids???

Lapland123 · 27/07/2022 14:57

I know one person who books annual leave and sends their one kid to camp/ nursery. But I think they are pathetic to do this. I think it’s poor. Their kid is in childcare 50 weeks a year, 5 days a week, and they’d have the kid on 52 weeks a year if the nursery was open 52 weeks. I mean, why bother having a kid then?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/07/2022 14:57

Sounds to me he needs more time with them for practice.

germsandcoffee · 27/07/2022 14:58

There his children he's acting like a spoilt brat 😳
How the hell does he manage with a classroom full !
I'm on my own all the six weeks with a severely autistic learning disabled son and an equally challenging not yet diagnosed daughter 🤷‍♀️Whilst their dads working 12 hours a day 5 days a week!
He needs to stop moaning and start making an effort.

MercurialMonday · 27/07/2022 14:59

His strategy is to keep very busy doing fun things with them. He exhausts them then gets and hour or so to himself while they nap at home.

That used to be my strategy - though 5 year old may not nap - but be happy watching film or playing quietly in afternoon. Then tea and then long baths and book reading then bed.

Worst case we'd do a tour of local parks - would take several hours walking between them all and back - I pretty much always had something planned every morning when they we that age.

Lovelycheesegromit · 27/07/2022 15:00

Be ruthless OP. Plenty of women teachers do this without complaint.
He should be grateful he gets to spend time with them. End of.

DeadbeatYoda · 27/07/2022 15:03

Did you say he was a teacher? Errr...that's not good.

Lovelycheesegromit · 27/07/2022 15:03

And it’s interesting that he doesn’t complain about his paid work where no doubt the teenagers are a pita but at home somehow it’s all too much for him. Give me a break.

RedRobyn2021 · 27/07/2022 15:03

Argh

That is all.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/07/2022 15:04

I’m sorry but he sounds ridiculous!

One of the big perks of being a teacher is having the six weeks off to spend time with his children, not having to worry about childcare etc. Loads of parents would kill for that!

Disneyblueeyes · 27/07/2022 15:04

I'm not sure it's fair to tell him he's being a twat etc, as I know how relentless it is being a teacher myself and having all that time off with the kids. Often going to work felt like a day off!
However as a parent you'd be very lucky having any time off without the kids. That would be a dream for most, so he does need to suck it up a bit.
He needs to be getting them out and about. Going places he'd actually enjoy not just them. It doesn't have to be expensive either. I took mine to a local duck pond today for a couple of hours. Fed the ducks, had a picnic, went to the park and came home. It was enough for mine to fall asleep after.
If he's at home all the time then yes that's relentless.
If he wants some time to himself then perhaps give each other time at the weekend, as you perhaps normally do?

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