Teacher DH and childcare in summer holidays

[totallybonafido]

DH is at home with the 2 DC while I'm at work. DS goes to nursery term time only, as we agreed that it doesn't make sense to pay for childcare while DH is at home with DD anyway.

DH is clearly resenting the loss of his child-free summer holidays, where he would be free to please himself for the whole 6 weeks. I am getting several messages a day about how much the DC are pissing him off and winding him up and how he hates his life. I know what it's like, I have looked after the DC by myself several days a week while I was on mat leave. DH has let them get to him way too much and has worked himself up into an absolute rage. I've been considering going home early today to take over as DH is not handling it well at all.

AIBU to think that DH just needs to suck it up? It's not even for the full 6 weeks as we'll have family help for some of it and will also be going on holiday as a family for a week. I do understand how he feels as he's losing one of the big benefits of being a teacher, but I only have limited holiday and don't get any time off work by myself either.

I think you need to listen to him .
He is not used to it and a lot of men may do a vanishing act rather than cope with relentless pressure .
I know it's more expensive but I'd keep them in nursery .
You are both entitled to some free time just to be

Rather than getting angry with him maybe find out what’s going on when you get home and put in a plan for the summer for the days he has them. I keep a weekly calendar and we always go out every day even to the park , walks, duck pond, beach, swimming etc. I have a list of all local fun places and work through it based on the weather forecast for the week. I pack a picnic and we head of about 10:30. Sometimes till 3 pm or sometimes just for a couple of hours. It helps so much as they are tired out and eat outside so less mess. I get all the washing etc done and hang out before I leave and certain chores. It’s a pain but helps a lot.

How about OP's man-child husband makes his own bloody plan?

sucks to be him (no seriously, i hated being home with DCs) but what's the alternative?
Family money that was earmarked for something else going on childcare costs? that's a big discussion to be had.

OTOH if you each have your own personal discretionary spending, that doesn't impact the other or family, then he can use that for childcare, right?

In your shoes I'd suck up, say, 2 weeks of childcare in his 6 weeks off.

I think everyone is being a bit holier-than-thou. My DH is a teacher and is looking after our 5 year old and 1.5year old. He is knackered after a long term - he is used to working all-out during term time then recharging over the hols. Except now he works really hard and is then straight into full on parenting. He is absolutely fantastic dad and fully commits to the holiday parenting. But don't forget that it is a big change for the kids too, who are used to the nursery regime then they all of a sudden have to adapt to home-time. I think that they will all get used to it, but it is hard for them all - harder (initially) if they were always at home. We have just arranged to have the kids in nursery 2 mornings a week to give him some down time. If the roles were reversed it would be the same for me!

Also, mums have days like this too! Lots of threads on mumsnet about struggling with kids and how relentless it can be. Yes he has to suck it up, but yes he should be allowed to vent a bit too. And we can have some empathy!

On one hand I sympathise , if you don’t have any friends with kids being on your own with them all day is shit. I’m at home with one and I don’t have any sort of social life and I’ve gone from happy and engaged in my work to totally miserable within a week. I’d much much rather be at work in my study , I don’t enjoy listening to the noise or being surrounded by the mess he makes I paid a fortune for childcare last summer even though I was at home anyway as I just couldn’t breath a couple of weeks in. I can’t afford it this year due to upsizing home. I’m on the edge of tears already and he doesn’t go to bed till 10pm and he’s up again by 6:30 without fail. Zero support and ASD. So I may well have completely lost the plot by September. Yes I text and complain to his father what the fuck else can I do?
his experience might be different , your kids are probably easier but some of us just can’t do it , perhaps he should find work through the summer and book them into some summer camps next year instead- even if he only breaks even on the childcare. That’s what I always did until mine has got old enough to refuse to go.

I've nothing against putting kids in childcare when you're off.

Great if you need the break.

Its the ridiculous assumption that its a unique to teachers issue thats annoying

There was just a thread about a female teacher keeping her kid/kids in nursery throughout the summer and the vast majority of people thought it was absolutely fine. Why is everyone thinking differently because this one is a man?

This woman’s childcare was seemingly paid for either way though. Most people were saying “don’t judge you don’t know the circumstances etc” as it was an outside of the family friend posting, not the actual spouse who knew all the circumstances.

I think if a woman was posting about how shit she was finding the school holidays, she'd get pretty much nothing but sympathy about how tough and relentless it is, but when a man struggles, he's basically told to shut up and get on with it.

Six weeks of constant childcare when you also work full time is tough. Is there any way of breaking it up a bit - either using your own annual leave or putting them in the odd day of childcare once a week so that he gets a bit of a break?

I absolutely loved being at home all summer with mine. It's such a privilege.

He needs to learn to have a structure and a plan. Even just walk to the shop to get a lolly and sit in the park.

Every day a little something.

It sounds like he's out of practice.

Stuff 3 and 5 years can do with minimal instruction......

Play under a sprinkler, lazy daisy is a fun one as it's less predictable, no water collects as it's not a pool.

Two chairs and a blanket with pegs make a den, it's more fun in the garden.

Jumbo chalks on the patio or the side of the house, can be hosed off.

Longest pasta threading..... a bag of penne pasta and a ball of string.

Old cartons, rice and cling film make shakers. Outside is best as it's messy.

Trip to the library to choose a book. Never too early to start this. Lots of libraries do a session for smaller children.

We did feeding the birds, feeding the fish, spotting birds & butterflies and identifying them.

Pooh sticks

For the two year old, a roll of cheap lining paper over the kitchen table and brushes with just (food dye) coloured water is an easy play activity.

I had a trailer bike to fit two so I could take mine out cycling.

We have an animal park very close to us and I'd factor in a season pass so we could go up to see the animals once or twice a week. It helps because they can play with other children.

I think it's easy to feel out of your depth when it gets overwhelming. Especially if it's out of normal routine.

I found the secret was to always have something planned. It doesn't need to be costly.

Teacher here.

Yeah. It's really hard and rubbish. I'm bored already. He needs to suck it up.

I thought the benefit of working on a school was that you didn't have to get childcare in the holidays.
He's a twit. Tell him to get a regular office job and see how much fun it is then.

Could you help him plan his day/week with the DC?

This actually made me laugh out loud. Fellow teacher here. He needs to suck it up!
if this were a female teacher it would be an expectation.

the best you can do to support is have plans - like days out and stuff so he knows there’s something going on.

I have two littlies and am looking after the children fro the whole 6 weeks. It’s hard work but I have real quality time with them

I don't really enjoy having the DC on my own as they are very demanding, I am rather glad that I can escape to work in the holidays and wouldn't want to be a teacher!

if you know that your kids can be hard work, I think you should be offering sympathy and giving him a break at the end of the day, rather than just telling him to ‘suck it up’. And coming up
with a plan to give him some time off to
do
nothing.

I feel lucky to have the holidays with my kids, but I know plenty of women who
find the holidays tough and relentless. This isn’t a ‘useless man’ thing, it’s a tired out stressed parent thing.

@Skoolsout

Does your oh help you plan your week?

I was on the fence until I read all your updates saying they will have some family help, and a few days in camps or nursery. If it was both kids, every single day of the holidays, absolutely no break of any kind whatsoever, he would perhaps not be too unreasonable (although that’s obviously the norm for many parents in the holidays!) But with some family help, a holiday, and some days without them- unreasonable.

Does your oh help you plan your week?
In an ideal world I wouldn’t suggest this but compared to the DH moaning so much and the DC ending back in nursery I’d try my suggestion. He may need guidance and ideas on how to structure the week. The first couple of weeks of he school holidays can be a bit trial and error.

@Skoolsout

He's a teacher. It's not the ops job to teach him how to parent.

I'm sure he'll figure it out.

I have sympathised with him, but don't want to piss him off further and cause an argument, hence this vent.

I don't plan his time for him as he's perfectly capable of doing that but I do send him suggestions from time to time if I see something that looks good.

I'm a teacher and have gladly had my sons to myself for every school holiday for the last eight years. I have loved it and felt privileged to give them that time and make up for the times they have drawn the short straw during term time.

That said, it is exhausting. Before they were at school I also used term.time only childcare but now, looking back, I should have at least given myself a couple of child free days a week to a) get some of my work done (yes teachers DO work in the hols!) And b) decompress a bit-remind myself I am a person in my own right.

So I think maybe encourage him to book a bit of childcare for each of his remaining weeks and then also get him to plan a bit of an itinerary of things to do with the kids so there is some kind of structure to their days-makes things waaaay more manageable.

I think he needs to suck it up. I work term time and my husband works full time. He only had days off during the holidays or if we're struggling for childcare. So if either of us are not at work then we have a child. It's just the way it is.

I'm a stay at home mum, I have mine all through the holidays. It always unnerves me when my husband can't cope, with looking after them for an occasional day/evening. No, don't help him, he is more than capable. Unless he is angry and aggressive towards them, in that case I'd dump his useless arse.

What does he think stay at home parents do? The ones who don't have their kids in childcare because their own labour is cheaper for their families. Many never get a day off. (During covid especially and no friends around to break it up.) yeah yeah teaching is hard work not debating it, my mum is a primary teacher but according to him so is looking after small children and for SAHP (and those who home educate) that doesn't just stop in the summer or at any time really.

Is he sleeping badly maybe?

If it was me and he is really burned out I'd send him to a budget hotel for one weekend to read and watch TV till he passes out and sleep and then expect normal human functioning when he got back. Still cheaper than childcare.

I'd love to have school holidays with my dc! Alas I am not a teacher and restricted to 'normal' annual leave. I think your dh is being supremely unreasonable and you should certainly not see precedent by leaving your work early. Is he not a parent who is free to look after his dc?!