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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher DH and childcare in summer holidays

373 replies

totallybonafido · 27/07/2022 13:51

DH is at home with the 2 DC while I'm at work. DS goes to nursery term time only, as we agreed that it doesn't make sense to pay for childcare while DH is at home with DD anyway.

DH is clearly resenting the loss of his child-free summer holidays, where he would be free to please himself for the whole 6 weeks. I am getting several messages a day about how much the DC are pissing him off and winding him up and how he hates his life. I know what it's like, I have looked after the DC by myself several days a week while I was on mat leave. DH has let them get to him way too much and has worked himself up into an absolute rage. I've been considering going home early today to take over as DH is not handling it well at all.

AIBU to think that DH just needs to suck it up? It's not even for the full 6 weeks as we'll have family help for some of it and will also be going on holiday as a family for a week. I do understand how he feels as he's losing one of the big benefits of being a teacher, but I only have limited holiday and don't get any time off work by myself either.

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 30/07/2022 17:20

his attitude is upsetting op
dh also struggled when at home when dc were teenagers,
he was on call but nobody was interested!

MrsLargeEmbodied · 30/07/2022 17:22

i recall the beginning of the holidays being qutie difficult, when they need to wind down and relax
as is the end when it has just gone on too long

DontMakeMeShushYou · 30/07/2022 17:39

Ohthatsexciting · 30/07/2022 15:28

@janajos

People don’t seem to realise that teachers are giving up to 6 presentations a day, each time to a ‘hostile’ audience.

we don’t “realise” it because it’s hyperbole

Well you're certainly seem to be the master of hyperbole on this thread so I guess you'd know!😂

TheOrigRights · 30/07/2022 20:30

Mammyloveswine · 30/07/2022 14:16

Going against the grain.. DH has been working this week (and last weekend as it was how his shifts have fallen).

I've had the two DC and been trying to clean thr house/pack for our holiday and it's been horrendous, I've had no time to just sit for a bit as the kids just fight all day long and I'm knackered! I've also had a mega period which was fun!

I have sent texts to DH saying the kids are pissing me off 🙈.

He is being unreasonable overall but I get how he is feeling a bit-only being off when the kids are off is a bit relentless!

Most working parents fit packing for holidays in and around everything else.
I'm always a bit Hmm when my TA friend tells me how busy she is the week BEFOFE they go on holiday, getting ready for the holiday.
She's fortunate to have that time, and it's her choice bla bla, but most working people do not use leave to prepare for a holiday; the days are too precious for that.

eastegg · 30/07/2022 22:46

Ohthatsexciting · 30/07/2022 15:28

@janajos

People don’t seem to realise that teachers are giving up to 6 presentations a day, each time to a ‘hostile’ audience.

we don’t “realise” it because it’s hyperbole

Not sure whether it’s hyperbole, but it’s really ill-judged and annoying. It carries with it the clear implication that people who are not teachers would find giving 6 presentations a day to a hostile audience a daunting task, and if only they realised that that’s what teaching involved, they would be in awe. When the reality is that many jobs involve just this level of challenge, and more. I’m not going to say what my profession is, because I don’t want to, but I can assure you that the pressure of ‘6 presentations to a hostile audience’ is kind of my bread and butter, and also that I have the common sense to see that teaching definitely has elements of that.

Also, my profession has to cope with the fact that people haven’t got a clue about how hard and underpaid it is. So a bit less of the ‘people don’t realise’ nonsense please, it’s really patronising.

almostcoping · 30/07/2022 23:07

Yes, you are supposed to do your share of the childcare. You sound like a 1950’s man expecting his housewife to do everything in the home. They’re your children too, and dare I say it, you should want to spend some time with them. It’s what I would expect my partner to do, whatever their gender, if they’d spent all day with two challenging children. Get a grip!!

NumberTheory · 30/07/2022 23:07

He does just need to get on, as it seems he and you realise. And he’ll get on best if he’s left to do it and isn’t minded to try and get out of it (which he sounds like he knows). I think you are doing exactly the right thing letting him vent and coming on here to vent about him!

But I guess he’s maybe a bit worn out from work and could perhaps have done with a long weekend to himself before he started on full time kid wrangling (as you probably could have from time to time on maternity leave)? If your kids are at a challenging stage and you both feel the pressure of looking after them, then it makes sense to try and organize your lives to give yourselves breaks from time to time.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 31/07/2022 00:19

Oh this poor poor man

Expected to parent his children

What is the world coming to!

RuleWithAWoodenFoot · 31/07/2022 00:25

Chuck them in childcare. I've got one week with child alone, rest of the time she's in clubs. Better for her too tbh.

celticprincess · 04/08/2022 18:52

I’m a teacher and single parent. School holidays were relentless when they were younger. Lots of NT and EH days out with picnics were needed as they were fairly cheap. Occasional soft play. Ex would have a week maybe or a couple of days here and there to have them. Some days would be pyjama and tv day. Some days would be for arts and crafts or board games but I always found that they had really short attention spans when they were younger. We did used to try and meet up with friends for play dates but found this hard in the summer when other parents are still working and the kids are with child care or grandparents.

I can see his frustration and unfortunately it comes part and parcel with being a parent and a teacher. When my ex and I were together I was actually not working and the kids hadn’t started school so I was used to having them a lot on my own - I was made redundant and did supply for a while. When my youngest was eligible for free 2 year old child care I did put her in for the allocated hours so I could get a break whilst my eldest was at school. The free child care didn’t follow into the holidays. I went back into teaching when the kids were 2 and 5 and was then single. It’s definitely relentless having all the school holiday responsibility. As a couple we could have done some shared weeks but now as a single parent I’ll get a few days here and there over the year.

Cruisebabe · 04/08/2022 19:17

Lapland123 · 27/07/2022 14:57

I know one person who books annual leave and sends their one kid to camp/ nursery. But I think they are pathetic to do this. I think it’s poor. Their kid is in childcare 50 weeks a year, 5 days a week, and they’d have the kid on 52 weeks a year if the nursery was open 52 weeks. I mean, why bother having a kid then?

Well said!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/08/2022 19:21

Why did he have children if they 'piss him off'?

OperaStation · 04/08/2022 19:21

Chickychoccyegg · 27/07/2022 13:54

I would have no patience with dh in this situation, obviously you don't have the school holidays to yourself when you have dc, it's a bonus he's a teacher as you only have to pay for term time childcare, tell him to suck it up and get a grip

Exactly this.

OP your husband sounds useless. How is he struggling so much to look after his own kids? Is he this useless the rest of the year?

Perhaps remind him that the rest of us non-teachers are forking out £160 per week, per child for holiday camps.

bemusedmoose · 04/08/2022 19:26

He needs to grow up and get on with it - he made 2 kids, he needs to look after them! They are driving him up the wall because he isn't keeping them well enough occupied (or can't stay the 5 steps ahead of them us mums have to!) if he is wanting to sit there on his phone or playing games - tough! What they heck did he think you did with them?

Do mine annoy me sometimes - yes! But usually when I am trying to do something for myself. He just has to learn to have snacks made before they get hungry and have a sh#t tin of activities to dish out one after the other until you get home (where you can always pull out the classic man dodge 'I've been at work all day' then sit in front of the TV and let him carry on) or really learn to love going to the playground for the day! He's bored and being self centered. Leave him to it.

mam0918 · 04/08/2022 19:33

DH is clearly resenting the loss of his child-free summer holidays, where he would be free to please himself for the whole 6 weeks. I am getting several messages a day about how much the DC are pissing him off and winding him up and how he hates his life. I know what it's like, I have looked after the DC by myself several days a week while I was on mat leave.

Why on earth did yous have children if you resent spending time with them so much?

Many people would kill to be fortunate enough to have 6 weeks of with the kids or even just maternity leave not just want to hand them over to other to raise while they go off having adult based fun.

Upwiththelark76 · 04/08/2022 19:38

DH needs to crack on and accept the fact he is a parent . Parents need to look after their kids .

morechocolateneededtoday · 04/08/2022 19:41

Sounds like he's having a really rubbish day. I was going to suggest odd days of holiday camp/family help so he could switch off but you have that covered. Mine are the same age and some days it is really tough. I work PT but I use help on one of my non working days every 2-3 weeks in the holiday as it gets relentless and none of the house admin gets done.

I find having busy days out and about with them really helps, I try plan all the days I am alone with them both and also try have one to one time with each if possible - soft play/farm/zoo/playdates/park etc. DS is my 3 year old and also very hard work at the moment, pushing all the buttons and driving me crazy!

simiisme · 04/08/2022 19:51

I totally agree with you. And I'm a secondary school teacher.

SherbertLemonDrop · 04/08/2022 20:04

He needs to learn how to parent.

Tillsforthrills · 04/08/2022 20:07

Teaching is a hard job and he sounds burnt out, agree he should have at least one day off to look forward to.

Kite22 · 04/08/2022 20:07

He can moan a bit about it (was a SAHM when mine were that age, and you can definitely have bad days 😂) BUT it's part of parenting and I really think he needs to suck it up. Learn how to plan his time with them, activities to do and so on. Don't go home early, whatever you do, parents up and down the country care for their children all day, he can too!!

This. I mean, I am sure all of us have had bad days when looking after our dc when they are relentless, but reading your posts, it seems sad that neither of you seem to want to spend time with your own dc.

Not wanting to sound corny, but seriously, that was one of the bonuses of having school holidays off - that, as a parent, I still got to spend weeks with them over the Summer. As I've said, I definitely don't have angelic dc, and I've definitely had bad days, but I am also really glad I got the chance to do what dh didn't have the opportunity to do.

ivykaty44 · 04/08/2022 20:07

DS is an unholy terror - defiant, won't do anything he's told, and knows how to push our buttons. DH let it get to him far too much today, rather than drawing a line under and moving on

your dh needs to work on a plan to rectify this situation, perhaps ask him what he is going to plan to do to make life easier for himself.

How do you sort out a dc that is purposely pushing buttons?

do you take them swimming each morning to wear them out - that was one of my tricks... then to the park and for a picnic and they were worn out for a film in the afternoon

but how does you dh see himself sorting this?

toobusytothink · 04/08/2022 20:08

Teacher at a private school so my kids had 8/9 weeks off every summer and absolutely I looked after them. Perk of the job! He’s being a twat.

Wombat100 · 04/08/2022 20:14

Why oh why do so many people think teachers have the hardest job in the world. My god. Yes it’s a hard job but so are many others, and yet no one else seems to bleat on about how hard they work quite as much as teachers.

itispersonal · 04/08/2022 20:20

I think your dp isn't getting a tough ride from other posters.

5 and 3 are difficult ages constantly need to be watched and sometimes constantly entertained.

I think my dd was 4 or 5 and I decided I needed a break from her during the summer holidays as it was 24/7 and for my own MH she went to a dance or sports club just for a few days for a couple of the weeks over the holidays. Is there any clubs he could get them in or go along with them.

Also this year many educators seem to be more exhausted, run down and ill than ever before and so he just might need a break and to recharge.