Teacher DH and childcare in summer holidays

[totallybonafido]

DH is at home with the 2 DC while I'm at work. DS goes to nursery term time only, as we agreed that it doesn't make sense to pay for childcare while DH is at home with DD anyway.

DH is clearly resenting the loss of his child-free summer holidays, where he would be free to please himself for the whole 6 weeks. I am getting several messages a day about how much the DC are pissing him off and winding him up and how he hates his life. I know what it's like, I have looked after the DC by myself several days a week while I was on mat leave. DH has let them get to him way too much and has worked himself up into an absolute rage. I've been considering going home early today to take over as DH is not handling it well at all.

AIBU to think that DH just needs to suck it up? It's not even for the full 6 weeks as we'll have family help for some of it and will also be going on holiday as a family for a week. I do understand how he feels as he's losing one of the big benefits of being a teacher, but I only have limited holiday and don't get any time off work by myself either.

[dottymac]

Pfft - in my experience, we mums (in general) deal with the responsibilities and relentless day to day stuff with young kids for YEARS. And in general the men seem to get it easy, popping in and out for the fun stuff and miminal mental load work. The guy has a cheek to moan, and in fact, all parents of young children should have to spend at least a month of role reversal so they can see what the rest of us do day in, day out. Noone comes to 'rescue' us 😏. tell him he' ll have to find a way to manage and adapt -.
What's the alternative 🤷

[MissAtomicBomb1]

How old are DC? I can sympathise a bit of they are little. It's hard going.
If they are babies/toddlers then I would send them to nursery 1 day a week during the summer hols.
It gets easier as they get older as they entertain them themselves a bit more.

[britneyisfree]

I'd go home and get my kids based on the messages he's sent you.

No such thing as sucking it up where dc are concerned. Time to make new arrangements if he can't cope.

If that means you have to reconsider your relationship with him overall, then so be it.

[obsessedwithsleep]

My initial response (as a teacher in the same position) is that he's being unreasonable. Having said that, teaching is knackering and childcare even more so - I'd probably look for a temporary childcare solution for a week or two/a couple of days a week to give him a break.

[JelloFishy]

Could be worse. He needs a reality check.

Week one and both kids have covid so we can't go out.😩i can't complain because I gave it to them probably caught from my school!

[brookstar]

What a baby.
He should try wfh AND caring for children which is what I've had to do this week as our childcare fell through.

[totallybonafido]

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

Is it his first summer doing this? I found going full time at home with dc a nightmare and dh probably got a disproportionate amount of venting texts because it's considered poor parenting to roar fuck off at kids. But I got used to it after a while.

No, not the first summer - although last year I was still WFH a lot more and he went to stay with his parents for a few weeks

[brookstar]

Before I get shot, I do think it's harder for men, especially if he's a teacher so not able to do drop offs and pick ups at school.

Why is it harder for men?
Why does being able to do the school run make a difference?

[totallybonafido]

@Wnikat

It’s only day 3. Does he usually have anger management issues?

not really, but he is definitely a lot angrier than he was pre-kids

[Ohthatsexciting]

I am guessing the marriage generally is far from… healthy?

[Needadatenight]

I'm sorry to sound harsh but he sounds like a crap dad. They're his children, what's his problem, why can't he cope?

Of course there'll be some tough days during the holidays but saying he hates his life? He's making it sound as though he can't manage and the children aren't safe with him.

Unless there are additional needs it's not that difficult and most young children are fairly easily occupied.

[totallybonafido]

@cherrybonbons

I get he's being unreasonable. But I was in this position and found it relentless. Especially with young pre school children. I would actually consider one day a week in nursery just to get some down time for DH. Teaching is hard! Do you take all your annual leave in school holidays OP?

On paper I get it.... but actually I think the benefits of a child free day will help hugely.

yes, I take all of my days off in the school holidays

[ThatsGoingToHurt]

YANBU as he’s taking the piss. Surely as he is a teacher he plans his day. Therefore, he need to plan his days with the kids. DH does this and wonders why they are destroying the house. Surely he’s got the brain capacity to decide soft play Monday, park Tuesday, forest Wednesday, etc.

When you have got small kids there is no holidays where you just sit on your arse all day and relax.

[totallybonafido]

@sashagabadon

Jeepers - it's only day 1
female teachers seem to manage this change when they have kids ok - many say this is why they like being teachers - school holidays off with the kids!
depending on age of children many councils run cheapish summer schemes and so he should research booking them into those for some days. I'd leave it to him to sort though - not you!

schools finished here on 16th July, so he's a week and a half in

[antelopevalley]

Is the stuff about his rage just a vent, or is he an actual risk to the children?

[Davyjones]

What’s ‘one of the benefits of being a teacher’? Not having to spend summer holidays with your kids?

No it’s not

[totallybonafido]

@MeenzAmRhoi

Wow. It's pretty ridiculous he can't watch his own children without going into a rage...it's only been ONE day.

How old are the DC out of interest?

They are 5 and 3

[ladyinwaiting99]

Gosh not a lot of sympathy here.
I do get that dh is going to have to get used to this and find a way to make it work. I don't think you should start leaving work early to "rescue" him because he'll rely on that.
Never the less, teaching can be physically and mentally draining and if he's always relied on the holidays to recharge then the change can be a shock to the system.
I'll be honest and say that as much as I love my ds and love the fact that I don't have to scrape around for childcare in the holidays. I find it hard sometimes when I need a rest but the holiday is all about him.
Maybe sit down with him and work out a way that he can get the odd day's respite here and there so he has some child free days to look forward to.

I think there would be very different replies if this was a woman posting that she was a full time teacher and found holidays with her dc a bit of a struggle.

[TheSoapyFrog]

I think he's telling you he's struggling and I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that. If he were the mother saying he needed a break, I'm sure more people would rally around.
Going on a family holiday and having family help isn't the same as having a few hours or a day to yourself. Both of you deserve that.
Can you compromise and maybe put the kids into nursery one or two days a week?

[Justhereforaibu1]

I'm with your DH I'm afraid. I'm in the same situation for the first time and I feel like I'm losing my mind. All my mum mates are on holiday, the house is thrashed, sleep is bad and the kids are feral. I feel like crying all the time. I'm 2.5 weeks in.

[antelopevalley]

@totallybonafido

They are 5 and 3

Then I am really concerned about his rage. At that age children can easily be killed or seriously injured. Are they safe with him? Please try and be totally honest with yourself for their sake.

[totallybonafido]

@Ohthatsexciting

I am guessing the marriage generally is far from… healthy?

No, we are generally really happy and have very few issues.

Just both exhausted and drained, still having disturbed nights/v early mornings and the general relentlessness

[ILikeHotWaterBottles]

He's a shit dad and person. He has kids, tough luck on wanting lots of free time, that ship has sailed. Shouldn't have had kids should he?

[Testina]

He’s allowed a little whine and a moan… parenting isn’t always easy. Beyond that… for gods sake don’t go home and bail him out!
You says he’s losing the benefit of the 6 week holiday in teaching.
He’s not.
The actual benefit is 6 weeks to do what you want. Nearly 6 and nearly 4 years ago, he decided that what he wanted was to have 2 children. Who are a blessing. And although in the moment, any one of us is allowed to be frustrated or bored with childcare - in the greater picture, we love our children and we chose to have them. I’d be telling him that too.

[antelopevalley]

@TheSoapyFrog

I think he's telling you he's struggling and I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that. If he were the mother saying he needed a break, I'm sure more people would rally around.
Going on a family holiday and having family help isn't the same as having a few hours or a day to yourself. Both of you deserve that.
Can you compromise and maybe put the kids into nursery one or two days a week?

Wanting a break and even crying is very different from being in an absolute rage with 3 and 5 year old children.