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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher DH and childcare in summer holidays

373 replies

totallybonafido · 27/07/2022 13:51

DH is at home with the 2 DC while I'm at work. DS goes to nursery term time only, as we agreed that it doesn't make sense to pay for childcare while DH is at home with DD anyway.

DH is clearly resenting the loss of his child-free summer holidays, where he would be free to please himself for the whole 6 weeks. I am getting several messages a day about how much the DC are pissing him off and winding him up and how he hates his life. I know what it's like, I have looked after the DC by myself several days a week while I was on mat leave. DH has let them get to him way too much and has worked himself up into an absolute rage. I've been considering going home early today to take over as DH is not handling it well at all.

AIBU to think that DH just needs to suck it up? It's not even for the full 6 weeks as we'll have family help for some of it and will also be going on holiday as a family for a week. I do understand how he feels as he's losing one of the big benefits of being a teacher, but I only have limited holiday and don't get any time off work by myself either.

OP posts:
Timeturnerplease · 27/07/2022 15:04

I get it, as a teacher you work 60 hour weeks in term time and so need the holidays to recharge…but that’s not an option when you have children.

I’m a full time teacher and DH works is elef
employed so doesn’t take time off unless we’re actually going on holiday. Yes it’s full on with small children (ours are 3.5yo and 11mo), but surely that’s one of the benefits of teaching in that you get a chunk of time with your children?

I’ve got lots of schemes of work to write for the subjects I lead this summer, so I’m working every weekday evening in order to get them done. It’s just what you have to
do when you have children. Before you know it, they’ll be off with their friends every summer and your DH will be free and clear to do whatever he pleases.

Doingmybest12 · 27/07/2022 15:04

He basically doesn't want to do it and wants you to sort it out. What a disrespectful oaf , yet again a womans work can be interrupted even when the man is not working for 6 weeks. If he doesn't want to manage he needs to sort something out. Not sure I could co parent with this person, not even sure I would want him to teach my children .

Timeturnerplease · 27/07/2022 15:05

*self employed

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/07/2022 15:06

And yes, the rest of us with kids book our annual leave to coincide with as much of the schools hols as possible - we’re not all swanning about having time off to ourselves.

Original poster
totallybonafido · 27/07/2022 15:06

In his defence, he is generally really good with the kids and not at all averse to taking them out and organising things. He is definitely having an exceptionally bad day.

OP posts:
Lovelycheesegromit · 27/07/2022 15:07

Doingmybest12 · 27/07/2022 15:04

He basically doesn't want to do it and wants you to sort it out. What a disrespectful oaf , yet again a womans work can be interrupted even when the man is not working for 6 weeks. If he doesn't want to manage he needs to sort something out. Not sure I could co parent with this person, not even sure I would want him to teach my children .

Exactly I think the mindset is sexist. As though somehow women love every minute of providing the childcare for 6 weeks, they don’t complain whether they love it or not. Sounds so entitled expecting OP to deal with it.

easyday · 27/07/2022 15:08

There was just a thread about a female teacher keeping her kid/kids in nursery throughout the summer and the vast majority of people thought it was absolutely fine. Why is everyone thinking differently because this one is a man?
I think the children go in to nursery two/three days a week if affordable- I put mine in for two days when I wasn't working to keep my sanity.

Lovelycheesegromit · 27/07/2022 15:10

I’m sure he is more than welcome
to sort his own childcare out. Not sure why he’s messaging op and doing her head in about it?

Doingmybest12 · 27/07/2022 15:13

totallybonafido · 27/07/2022 15:06

In his defence, he is generally really good with the kids and not at all averse to taking them out and organising things. He is definitely having an exceptionally bad day.

Well what a pointless thread to start based on this latest post. Hope he has a good day tomorrow then .

MadMadMadamMim · 27/07/2022 15:13

He needs to grow up. A lot.

Yes, it's shit not having 6 weeks to swan around in, but that's the reality when you have children of your own. Every female teacher I know does this without bitching and having to text their partner several times a day.

It's honestly a little bit pathetic that as a man who has CHOSEN to work with children he can't cope with two of his own.

Eunorition · 27/07/2022 15:15

"Or he's having a mental health meltdown and is being honest."

He 'hates his life ' and his children 'piss him off', and he can't look after them with being 'in a rage.' He's just a shit parent. No need to claim he's got poor diddums health issues. He's just a bully who expects his new Mummy to do everything.

JassyRadlett · 27/07/2022 15:16

Being a parent = all of your annual leave involves childcare, one way or another.

I bet it's not as easy as his holidays before kids. No one's holidays are as carefree as they were before kids. That is just part and parcel of being a parent.

Sympathies, OP, I hate the childish nonsense where someone tries to make their own problems yours when there is fuck all you can do about it. It's so manipulative.

Echobelly · 27/07/2022 15:21

The mean part of me say to tell him 'Welcome to the school holidays experience by countless women, yes it's tedious, but this is worth quite a lot of money to us'. The less mean part asks whether he's just sitting around at home or actually going out and about? Because I learned that honestly it's often easier and less stressful to go out and do something. Also inviting friends over for DD (assuming she is school age) and then the adult generally can leave them to it.

Everydayimhuffling · 27/07/2022 15:21

I'm a teacher (part time) and kept my children at nursery 2 days a week for the first part of the holidays, as I did for half terms and part of Easter. I was exhausted at the end of the school year, and it really helped me to get some rest. Also, while they are at nursery it's an opportunity that I won't really have once they're both at school.

It sounds like he's having a really hard day, but also that you have plans in place for it not to be 6 weeks totally on him. I think you are fine.

Fundays12 · 27/07/2022 15:22

I have been at home generally on my own for most holidays with 3 dcs and omg it’s hard work. Dh has 3 weeks off this summer which is amazing. Rather than getting angry with him maybe find out what’s going on when you get home and put in a plan for the summer for the days he has them. I keep a weekly calendar and we always go out every day even to the park , walks, duck pond, beach, swimming etc. I have a list of all local fun places and work through it based on the weather forecast for the week. I pack a picnic and we head of about 10:30. Sometimes till 3 pm or sometimes just for a couple of hours. It helps so much as they are tired out and eat outside so less mess. I get all the washing etc done and hang out before I leave and certain chores. It’s a pain but helps a lot.

Thegreatestshowoff · 27/07/2022 15:23

Hahahahaha! I use all my leave to look after the DC in the holidays. No time to myself. It’s called being a parent. What an idiot he is! I also remember a very long, 13 week summer holiday once when living abroad with little ones. Just plan activities like PPs have said - library story times, museums, doesn’t have to be costly. There are free schemes literally everywhere where we are. Even a nature walk, bark rubbings, picnic in the garden, assault course in the garden. It’s not hard, is it?

Thehop · 27/07/2022 15:25

Eunorition · 27/07/2022 13:58

He is basically threatening your children's safety, and/or mental health, if you do not stop work and do all the childcare so he can sit on the sofa and be a child too. He 'hates his life'? He's 'in an absolute rage'? They 'piss him off'? What a dismal experience for those poor kids. And he knows he's holding their well-being over your head.

I wouldn't tolerate a man who cannot competently and lovingly parent his children. If he's an 'enraged' risk to them he can fuck off and sit in a bedsit, alone and single and enjoying his long, lonely summer holiday.

Your kids come first, and he's doing nothing for them.

Absolutely this

CadburyCrunchy · 27/07/2022 15:25

"I am getting several messages a day about how much the DC are pissing him off and winding him up and how he hates his life"

@totallybonafido I'd be worried about this line from your first post tbh... he sounds very stressed and has a temper which is not a good combination when he's at home with small children all day... the fact that he's texting you several times a day saying the DC are pissing him off suggests he could fly off the handle with them at any time... I know you think he won't and you know him etc but you need to wake up as this can and does happen... he's giving you warning signs that he's seriously not coping...

I would go home now, use holiday or WFH, just do whatever you need to do to keep an eye on your children and don't let them end up another tragic statistic... sorry but this is the reality and you need to hear this...

Thegreatestshowoff · 27/07/2022 15:25

@Fundays12 - yes, exactly! Same kind of thing we used to do.

SE13Mummy · 27/07/2022 15:26

It's OK for him to be having a bad day but he's an adult and a parent so needs to come up with something to make that day less bad e.g. go to the cinema, make popcorn and have a cinema day at home, go on a long walk with the children etc etc. DH and I are both teachers so for the past 17 years neither of us has had child-free school holidays. It is what it is. When the DC were younger it meant one of us getting up and out with the DC, being active parents and having the time we felt we didn't get with them during the week. Now they're older it's less full-on but it's definitely not child-free!

Nocutenamesleft · 27/07/2022 15:28

What?!?

I home educated my kids so don’t ever have a break. I don’t get any 9-3 daily and it’s vital that he learns how to be around his own children. Development wise they’ll see that he’s with other children and doesn’t lose his temper. Yet with them..:.

this post is so desperately sad…

Phobiaphobic · 27/07/2022 15:29

Oh boo hoo hoo. DH is having to look after HIS OWN KIDS instead of swanning around for six weeks doing what he likes. Should have thought of that before he got you pregnant, ffs.

Do not succumb, OP. Do not bail him out. He needs to behave like an adult and an actual parent.

Nocutenamesleft · 27/07/2022 15:30

gemloving · 27/07/2022 14:01

Different opinion here.

I personally would continue to send my child to nursery. I never had both of mine full time for that long. My eldest always went to nursery and I only them 2 days a week together which was enough. It's hard graft, stressful and so undervalued.

I always said, if I wanted to work in childcare, I'd work in a nursery. To me, it would 100% make sense to pay for childcare at least for a few days even if one parent is at home aka as I was on mat leave.

You’ve never had your own children full time?!?

Ninspeedles · 27/07/2022 15:30

Eunorition · 27/07/2022 15:15

"Or he's having a mental health meltdown and is being honest."

He 'hates his life ' and his children 'piss him off', and he can't look after them with being 'in a rage.' He's just a shit parent. No need to claim he's got poor diddums health issues. He's just a bully who expects his new Mummy to do everything.

My kids piss me off sometimes and yeah occasionally in the moment I've muttered y something about hating my life. All said in the heat of being incredibly stressed out. I'm not a shit parent but I am a human as is the OP's partner.

A lot of man hating on this thread. If this was a mum at the end of her tether it would be different advice and compassion

Stop for one moment playing the hero who has everything under control and listen to what he is telling you, just as you would if anyone else reached out to you.

Completely blinded by him being a man

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 27/07/2022 15:32

To be fair to DH, those ages can be hard to look after by yourself if you're not used to it.

When we were slightly older my DM was a teacher and she took us out a lot on daytrips in the holidays to keep us amused but almost always we were both allowed a friend to take with us, in case we whinged!

She also taught drama on Saturday mornings at a local school/theatre and took friends DC with her if they wanted to come. I think a few parents were quite pleased they had unpaid childcare (childcare wasn't really a thing back then, nurseries were rare as a lot of mums were SAHM).