Teacher DH and childcare in summer holidays

[totallybonafido]

DH is at home with the 2 DC while I'm at work. DS goes to nursery term time only, as we agreed that it doesn't make sense to pay for childcare while DH is at home with DD anyway.

DH is clearly resenting the loss of his child-free summer holidays, where he would be free to please himself for the whole 6 weeks. I am getting several messages a day about how much the DC are pissing him off and winding him up and how he hates his life. I know what it's like, I have looked after the DC by myself several days a week while I was on mat leave. DH has let them get to him way too much and has worked himself up into an absolute rage. I've been considering going home early today to take over as DH is not handling it well at all.

AIBU to think that DH just needs to suck it up? It's not even for the full 6 weeks as we'll have family help for some of it and will also be going on holiday as a family for a week. I do understand how he feels as he's losing one of the big benefits of being a teacher, but I only have limited holiday and don't get any time off work by myself either.

no, if I thought they were actually in danger I'd be home like a shot!

YANBU. When I was at home with DC I wouldn't have considered repeatedly contacting DH at work to complain on the tough days.

My DH is a teacher and I work FT in industry so have much less holiday than him. I'm sure DH must sometimes miss the freedom from the pre DC days but he just gets on with it like everybody else does.
He does plan a lot of outings to break up the day (swimming, parks, picnics) - is your DH doing anything like that?

I teach and I totally get how your DH feels. The school holidays are so special and that time to recharge is needed. Some people like playing with their kids and others don’t but as they get older, they become more independent and need less one to one play.

He needs to put on his big boy pants and suck it up but he also needs to plan in things to do as he’s currently looking at a long 6 weeks! A couple of hours at the park, free museum, a walk, soft play (get some planning / marking done) day at the beach, go throw some stones in the local river, Lego, meet a friend with kids for some adult conversation, plant some seeds, pack a picnic and watch the trains go past somewhere, paddling pool, mud kitchen, baking / prepare tea, go to local cafe etc. We built a sandpit one year and my DS spent most of the summer playing in it.

He’s resenting spending his well earned (unpaid) break looking after the kids but that’s what happens to everyone’s holidays when you have kids and is the bonus of being a teacher and a parent.

He could pay to put them in nursery / childminder and have a day off each week which would help him realise the financial benefit to looking after them and get a break or you both take the day off and do something together. Plan some adult things to do in the evening to look forward to as I’m assuming he works most evenings during term time so you get to do things together.

He is being ridiculous. He needs to stop texting you and making you feel worried enough to go home. Don't do this as he is ultimately making you responsible. If you can afford a few sessions at nursery then do this but otherwise he needs to get a grip.

Maybe send them to nursery/ camp for a week or two?

I don't think necessarily yabu.

But you do know teachers have planning to do in holidays? They don't always have time to manage all the workload during the term time.

Also if he has the children for the full 13 weeks outside of school time does he ever get annual leave time without childcare?

This in itself isn't a problem but what do you do with your annual leave? You've obviously taken a week for a family holiday.

Do you take the other 3 weeks during school holidays or so you get annual leave when childcare is available?

Although DH is clearly being a dick the way he's handling it I won't say he's being totally unreasonable without knowing what the deal is for you too.

Perhaps it's worthwhile looking at what work he needs to do during holidays (Eg how many days he'll expect to be planning for next term) and arrange childcare for those days and then if you get AL days with childcare looking to arrange some for him too.

I'm going to go against the grain here too and say that as this is his holiday as well then he should get some time off to do as he pleases. I would therefore invest in some child care for some of the days. I think it is worth planning out the whole six weeks with the aid of a spreadsheet and booking in activities, days in childcare/holiday camp, days out with friends - a good mix of things that vary in cost/free activities etc, etc. If he gives the holidays some structure he'll likely find the kids are easier to manage. If they're just moping around at home with no real plan then I can see how it can fall apart quite easily. It doesn't have to be an amazing activity every day - there's plenty of scope for a low key library visit/park days etc.

Letting the kids do their own thing so he can justify being angry isn't parenting. Texting you to guilt trip you into going home is a dick move. Did I misunderstand your post, is he really a teacher?

I dunno. Teaching is hard work. Isn't there a holiday club or something the kids can go to to give him and week of respite? And then presumably he'll feel up to having them both the rest of the time? I'm not trying to excuse him ranting and raving to you down the phone but he sounds knackered and like he needs a break.

Tell him if he wanted the school holidays child free he shouldn't have kids in the first place.
And while you are at tell him to stop whining like a child and parent like every one else has to.
I have zero sympathy.
What do other parents with small children usually do when they annual leave? Be with them, that's what.

I always said, if I wanted to work in childcare, I'd work in a nursery That us a ridiculous statement. There's a world of difference between spending your working life with other people's children and parenting your own.
I wouldn't even be looking at his text messages and tell him when you get home that he is a grown ass adult so act like one and why is he sending messages that make him look pathetic.

I have sympathy for your DH. I am
also a teacher, my DC are 5 and 3 (I'm female) and they've done a couple of days in nursery for everyone's sanity. I find keeping them entertained all day every day very hard work: they're not great at entertaining themselves at this age, and each 'activity' lasts about 20 minutes max, plus they fight over everything all the live long day. I can't afford to do days out all the time either. One of the best things about being a teacher is the fact that you don't need childcare in the holidays but I really hope they get a little easier when they're older.

I was sahm at this stage and I wouldn't have got through it without meeting up with friends, only thing that keeps you sane. That's probably why it's harder for men

Oldest could do sports club or similar for a week , is easier with one and maybe think about investing in a couple of nursery days a week.

Work together on strategy, help him plan things to do, if they get a play/picnic for couple of hours they'll probably chill a bit.

Don't expect him to do anything other than loon after kids (maybe washing) think of easy meals etc.

then stop picking up his messages! Tell him to ring only if emergency

He can moan a bit about it (was a SAHM when mine were that age, and you can definitely have bad days 😂) BUT it's part of parenting and I really think he needs to suck it up. Learn how to plan his time with them, activities to do and so on. Don't go home early, whatever you do, parents up and down the country care for their children all day, he can too!!

What age group does he teach?

Former teacher - I kept DS in nursery over the school holidays (although I didn’t have a choice in terms of paying for it anyway).

Too late now, but maybe the compromise is DH marks exams/does a bit of tutoring to pay for them to attend over the summer? My exam marking this summer would have covered a month of full time nursery fees (without funding except TFC) with a couple of hundred left over.

Laughing at all the posts saying how hard being a teacher is and the poor diddums needs a break

Wtf do you think every other working parent does?!

I think he's telling you he's struggling and I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that. If he were the mother saying he needed a break, I'm sure more people would rally around.

If a mum posted this on mumsnet, yes fine there’d be sympathy. However, if she texted their dad at work with a the same complaint, not so much. And even if she did to have a bit of a vent, the dad definitely wouldn’t be considering taking leave to come home to sort things out

He's being an absolute monster about it, no doubt.

However, I couldn't manage my dc of similar ages for 6 weeks, no way. I could theoretically take the summer off, but no way would I. They loom too long, there's too much fighting, moaning, crying and stress.
I break mine up with paid childcare, family childcare, DH and I both taking some leave separately and a week together for a holiday.

DH absolutely feels the same and wouldn't want to do the 6 weeks either....its not for everyone.

He perhaps didn't think it through, and now he's 10 days in he just hasn't got another 40 days in him. I'd encourage him to look at some paid childcare, or going to visit his parents again, or anything really. Absolutely don't take responsibility for this summer, but next year work together to plan ahead.

Some people, me being one, just need time to themselves to feel physically and mentally well. I often take a day off mid week to recharge, we aren't all capable of being 'on' all the time.

I agree that he is being a dick about the way he’s dealing with this, but it wouldn’t be unreasonable to put them in childcare one day a week during the holidays. I used to do this (also a teacher) and it’s a real sanity-saver. Going from full time teaching to full time child-wrangling is stressful without even a little bit of time for yourself. Not one single lie-in, coffee in the garden, Netflix session in the whole holidays is a really bleak prospect and you feel like you might as well be at work. Yes it’s great to spend time with your children but 5 and 3 is just really the height of the demanding, difficult ages and it’s not restful at all! Now mine are older primary I can have them at home with me and find time to read with a coffee and my feet up (thank you YouTube) but the days can still be pretty long.

But you do know teachers have planning to do in holidays? They don't always have time to manage all the workload during the term time but he isnt complaining about planning . He is moaning because the kids are getting on his nerves.

Also if he has the children for the full 13 weeks outside of school time does he ever get annual leave time without childcare?
Most parents with young children dont get annual leave without doing childcare? Mothers are usually the ones that never get a break and this cry baby is sending help messages!

He will find a way to make it easier for himself. Leave him to get on with it.

If a mum posted on MN saying she was caring for her 3 and 5-year-old children and she was in absolute rage at them, the replies would NOT be all poor you Hun.
Posters would be very concerned for the safety of her children.
This is why I keep asking if he is just venting, or if the children are not safe with him.

I sometimes wonder why people have children if they cannot be bothered to look after them or interact with them.

He is a father, he need to learn how to enjoy time with his dc, get them outdoors and do something fun, have a bit of patience and grow up.

I wouldn't put up with that from dh. Fine to say struggling with something and work out together how to fix it. An immature "I hate my life" because you are caring for your own children during the holidays is a bit pathetic from an adult.

Given the ages, I would consider some kind of holiday club/nursery for a couple of days a week

I think I'd find it a completely different experience if I didn't have anyone to meet up with and chat to while the kids play.

I frequently didn't - especially in second place with kids we lived - I found free or cheap things to do with the kids as being out helped or things like swim lessons.

Other alternative as PP have said have them in childcare in the morning few days a week- so there's a few hours break.