Are my own parents taking the piss out of me?

[Peppapigagainffs]

Feeling really hurt and resentful.

Parents have come to stay with us for a couple of weeks, we live in a lovely, hot place abroad.
Df wakes v early and needs to be up and out doing things. He often decides in his own head what he wants to do and engineers it so we work around him.
I have a 4 year old Dd, who needs her sleep and has some tummy issues at the moment.
Df often gets up early and goes out for a walk and then arranges for us to go and pick him up/meet him briefly for coffee, as he’s bored by then as has had a coffee and wants to go.
If I say we’re having a quiet day in (has been once in almost two weeks) they get up and go out early themselves for a walk/don’t have breakfast with us etc.
I drive them somewhere nice every day and they often come back, nap or watch tv and then I make dinner for everyone. My mum occasionally washes up, dad doesn’t do anything. I Hoover and mop whilst they sit watching the news. They never offer to have Dd, have never babysat, we’ve not had a break for 4 years.
They pay for all food shopping, petrol and lunches when out. This I obviously appreciate as I can’t afford to live my normal life like I’m on holiday and wouldn’t drive everyday somewhere or have lunches out and eat as much as they do.
Just feel resentful of being woke up at 6 everyday by Df being loud and expected to work to his schedule and if I’m not planning to go out, they just go out, no sitting for breakfast or asking what we’re doing.
No one offers to cook, although they do pay for a couple of takeaways. Have a few days left and don’t want to be simmering with resentment and hurt and leave things on a bad note. When they leave they say a thanks for everything and mum often leaves a bit of money on my bedroom dressing table.
Aibu in feeling sort of used & hurt, would you?

[EL8888]

When in Rome, you do what the Romans do. I would tell your dad to be quiet in the morning and be more respectful by not waking anyone up. My mother struggles to think of other people and thinks everyone should do what she wants all the time so you have my sympathy. She thinks l should do as she wants automatically and as she tells me 🙄

[Heronwatcher]

TBH, apart from waking people up at 6am, this doesn’t seem too bad to me? I’d definitely be having words with them about that but otherwise I don’t think this is terrible and is the sort of arrangement I’d expect if I was hosting family. Maybe you’re just not used to having guests for longer periods. I’d try to work out what exactly it is that you don’t like (sounds like it may be the schedule thing) and try being a bit firmer on that?

[StrangeCondition]

Have you posted about this before, very similar except I think it was PIL?

[Peppapigagainffs]

@Heronwatcher I just feel it’s the never asking/assuming that Dd would like to do her usual things that make her happy too-playground, soft play etc and that she doesn’t like going to sit properly for long and eat lunch out everyday. Also the fact they say it’s to come and see us but if I said we weren’t going out for a few days, they’d just bugger off out. The never offering to take the strain off me of making dinner for two weeks and maybe pitching in and making something/taking it in turns, or helping out a little with things in the house-washing off line or offering for us to go out for a night (we’ve never done this) so they could spend time with their granddaughter

[Meraas]

You should ask DF to be more considerate in the morning. And try and get them to be more independent and go out themselves instead of driving them places.

Could you not say to DF 'it's your turn to wash up tonight, Dad'?

Apart from that, it sounds like they are contributing to costs and not doing anything bad. Not sure what you expect from them, they are on holiday?

Why don't you visit them and do the same to them?

[Peppapigagainffs]

@StrangeCondition I posted about my parents last year too and had some great advice. I spoke to mum about things and mainly about DD’s schedule and the way dad is etc, nothing has changed. At all.

[Shoxfordian]

It sounds like you need to be a bit more assertive and ask them to help with specific things if you want them to help you

[Peppapigagainffs]

@Meraas Yes on holiday, but surely it’s supposed to be coming to see us?
They can see I’m pretty tired some days after being woken by dad then Dd challenging all day, me driving them
plaves, doing food shopping, cleaning and making everyone dinner etc…if it was me I’d take some of that pressure away 🤷🏻‍♀️Two weeks is a long time for that.
I love them but am finding it gets worse with every visit

[Mally100]

I wouldn't expect my parents to be cooking and chores. They are paying for stuff when out so what's the issue? I guess them not offering to babysit is upsetting but maybe they think you don't need it, have you asked? I'm from a different culture though, where such a visit would be an opportunity to treat our parents. Your dad is an early riser so not sure what you want him to do, surely he was the same as you grew up and you knew this when they were visiting.

[Heronwatcher]

Yeah, I can see what you’re saying but on the other hand they do seem to contribute financially quite a bit (probably more than my family would). Maybe you could ask directly or make it a bit clearer what you’d like them to do? Like, I’m completely sick of cooking would you and dad mind sorting dinner? Or there’s a place we’ve been wanting to try for ages, would you mind having DD for a couple of hours? Maybe the difference is that they see this as pure holiday rather than anything else? If so maybe next time they should split their time between you and a hotel/ cottage?

[Peppapigagainffs]

@Meraas My plan is to say next year at this time (they come to us a few times a year) we’ll go to them. I’ve said this before but they generally get in early and book tickets and dates for the year!
I’m really feeling like *We now need/deserve a holiday and to go somewhere different and be taken on days out and to relax a bit, it’s been years due to covid and Dd being younger.

[Sapphirejane]

What are their expectations when you stay with them? Personally I don’t expect my guests to do anything. I do find hosting exhausting though and would probably cut it down to a week if the flight isn’t too far.

[Peppapigagainffs]

@Heronwatcher I’d rather they spend time with Dd, muck in etc than throwing money at things

[Peppapigagainffs]

@Sapphirejane I think a few days would be different to two weeks (has been longer before and I had to be strong and say that was too much for me) I would stay with them for likely four days or so, there’s no way I’d expect people to run around after mr for two weeks.

[londonlass71]

@Mally100

I wouldn't expect my parents to be cooking and chores. They are paying for stuff when out so what's the issue? I guess them not offering to babysit is upsetting but maybe they think you don't need it, have you asked? I'm from a different culture though, where such a visit would be an opportunity to treat our parents. Your dad is an early riser so not sure what you want him to do, surely he was the same as you grew up and you knew this when they were visiting.

This ^

I think the parents are doing loads. Paying for everything and getting take aways a couple of times a week. What's the difference between that and cooking?
I don't really think grandparents are babysitters and I would just ask if you need then to do something.

[AprilRae91]

Tbh if my parents come over they would expect to be fed and never offer to contribute any money, or buy the food. Let alone leave a gift of money when they leave.

[rookiemere]

Wouldn't you just book a holiday somewhere without them ?
Not sure why you're so keen to spend even more time with them when they don't help at all.
Why don't you just ask them "Can you look after DC tonight so DH and I can go out for a meal ?"

[RobertsRadio]

I don't think this sounds too bad, apart from your DF waking everyone up. They pay for food and petrol so that you aren't out of pocket, they pay for meals out and thank you at the end of the holiday. With only a few days to go before they go home, I wouldn't say anything that would cause ructions now.

The time to set boundaries and your expectations will be at the beginning of their next visit. Then you can state calmly that your Dad should be quiet in the mornings, that you expect them to share the cooking or meal prep or pay for more takeaway meals if they don't want to cook.

[NewtoHolland]

Can you ask them to babysit one night? They might just need prompting?

[Peppapigagainffs]

@Mally100 Its fine him being an early riser, but he’s v loud in the bathroom in the mornings and talking loudly, stomping around…because *He’s awake so he believes the day should begin. I can cope with it but Dd isn’t getting enough sleep, is completely overtired and challenging and my days are stressful trying to discipline her in front of them sat there, when they probably think what a terrible child she is, but it’s because she’s so bloody tired and carted around everywhere.
I took Dd to an important hospital appointment last week (she’s been quite ill and it’s been a very difficult and stressful 6 months for us) it took a few hours and I took Dd to the playground (hasn’t been in two weeks) and for an ice cream afterwards.
I came home and they seemed a little put out I’d done that and were clearly expecting I’d come home and take them out somewhere, where they wanted to go

[Peppapigagainffs]

@AprilRae91 For two weeks?

[5foot5]

Sounds like you are expecting them to second guess what you want them to do without you actually speaking up.

Can't you just say "Would you mind babysitting tomorrow night so DH and I can go out. We never get a night out now" You might find they are then falling over themselves to do it but didn't realise that is what you wanted.

[ClocksGoingBackwards]

No, they’re not taking the piss out of you. I can’t see that they’re doing anything wrong from what you’ve said, it’s just that a retained couples schedule doesn’t fit in well with a four year olds. Your expectations of this time are different. They’re hoping for a little holiday and a change of scenery while they get to see their daughter and grandchild, and your hoping for some help with your daughter.

I think it’s a bit unfair to think they’re taking the piss considering they pay for things and leave money, and it would be unkind to your dad to expect him to stay in bed or hang around the house waiting for you to get up when he could just go out for a walk. Presumably you’d go shopping and make dinner even if your parents weren’t there. I think you just need to adjust your expectations and then you won’t be disappointed.

[JustLyra]

Why are you not taking your DD to the playground and things when they are there?

when people come to visit your life shouldn’t completely stop to the detriment of your child.

You need to be more proactive in the plans and tell them that on Monday and Wednesday you and DD are doing x and y if they’d like to come with you. If not they can do their own thing not ferried by you.

If there’s public transport where you are then they can use that. If there’s not then you need to tell them if there’s a day you can’t ferry them around because you are busy.

[Peppapigagainffs]

@5foot5 Ive said a few times but gave up, dm would say you wouldn’t let someone else watch her..I was like ‘I would?!’ I’ve said so many times how we haven’t had a break in 4 years, they know very well, they just don’t do it.