Are my own parents taking the piss out of me?

[Peppapigagainffs]

Feeling really hurt and resentful.

Parents have come to stay with us for a couple of weeks, we live in a lovely, hot place abroad.
Df wakes v early and needs to be up and out doing things. He often decides in his own head what he wants to do and engineers it so we work around him.
I have a 4 year old Dd, who needs her sleep and has some tummy issues at the moment.
Df often gets up early and goes out for a walk and then arranges for us to go and pick him up/meet him briefly for coffee, as he’s bored by then as has had a coffee and wants to go.
If I say we’re having a quiet day in (has been once in almost two weeks) they get up and go out early themselves for a walk/don’t have breakfast with us etc.
I drive them somewhere nice every day and they often come back, nap or watch tv and then I make dinner for everyone. My mum occasionally washes up, dad doesn’t do anything. I Hoover and mop whilst they sit watching the news. They never offer to have Dd, have never babysat, we’ve not had a break for 4 years.
They pay for all food shopping, petrol and lunches when out. This I obviously appreciate as I can’t afford to live my normal life like I’m on holiday and wouldn’t drive everyday somewhere or have lunches out and eat as much as they do.
Just feel resentful of being woke up at 6 everyday by Df being loud and expected to work to his schedule and if I’m not planning to go out, they just go out, no sitting for breakfast or asking what we’re doing.
No one offers to cook, although they do pay for a couple of takeaways. Have a few days left and don’t want to be simmering with resentment and hurt and leave things on a bad note. When they leave they say a thanks for everything and mum often leaves a bit of money on my bedroom dressing table.
Aibu in feeling sort of used & hurt, would you?

YABVU.

Why should they cook? They are on holiday, they are already paying for the food you cook, paying for petrol, buying you lunches out and providing takeaways. That’s loads!

Cooking for 2 extra adults for a fortnight is very little extra work really - that’s why so many people batch cook, because it’s barely more work making curry/pasta/chilli/stew for a large amount than a small. So you peel a few more potatoes…

You appear to be at home, you’ve only one child and when you wa T to spend the day at home with your daughter your parents entertained themselves. And leave you money.

Why not use that money to pay a babysitter when they leave, and have a break that way?

Perhaps reduce the cooking - get DF to bbq several nights, where is DH, cook baked pots and salad - surely everyone makes a bit more effort with guests so 2 weeks of naice meals is a total pita imv.
Why is Dd with you all day - play dates? Holiday club?
I would say they are selfish - but I think you could mitigate it and not pretend they are coming to see you or Dd

Hi OP

I get where you're coming from and they do sound set in their ways and selfish. They are acting like guests when they're close family having extended stays. If they were here for 5 days a year then yes it's fine to expect you to run around after them but it sounds like they are there for almost a couple of months a year, in which case they are more of a part of the household.

Unfortunately there is no way around this other than talking directly. Hunting isn't working and relying on them to be decent and do their share of chores isnt working. You will end up resenting them.

I think you need to be firm. You need to sit them down before they leave this time and say you love seeing them and they are always welcome but the extra cooking, cleaning, and disruption to your daughters routine is becoming too much, so next time you want them to do their share of cooking, sweeping, mopping and looking after your daughter, and now your daughter is older and has her own needs ahe has to do things for her sometimes, two weeks is too long to take her out of the routine. She needs to sleep in, she needs to go to the park and soft play without being hurried up. They are welcome to go and do their own thing if they dont want to join in but you can't be driving them about every day.

Then when they come you cant just hope that they've taken on board what you've said, you need to sit down and say let's sort the rota for cooking and cleaning

I bet if this was you doing this to them they would complain about them using their place as hotel.
Its too long/too often not to be helpful.

My PIL did nothing when they visited, which was fine, I especially didn’t want MIL in the kitchen, eating at hers was bad enough. However every 5 minutes FIL would go ‘I’m on my holidays’ as an excuse to be a total pain and want to be entertained constantly. They weren’t on their holidays, they were visiting us. We were expected to fit in with their lives when visiting them.

You are not running a hotel and taxi service. If your parents want to pay to be cooked and cleaned for then they need to book themselves into some accommodation that provides that. If they want to stay as house guests then they abide by house rules which includes being quiet at certain times. It seems like the money is making all of this a bit fuzzy. Either they pay for a paid service in a hotel, or they stop handing over so much cash and share in the household chores. It’s your house, you are an adult now and you have your own family to think of so start laying down the rules and stop slipping back into your role as their child that follows your parent’s rules.

They sound alright to me. Generous and independent.

How '4' is your child? Newly 4 or nearly 5? The way you speak about how challenging she is I'd expect it to be a 2 year old. Is she in primary school yet? Or are there SEN that I've missed?

As others have said, then paying for food and petrol and even the occasional takeaway is enough IMO, though I'd think they could wash up if you're doing the cooking.

With the other stuff you just need to be more assertive, maybe discuss plans the night before

I don’t think anyone is being very unreasonable - they are treating it as a holiday, combined with a chance to see you, whereas you are expecting a bit of help, cos it’s your parents.

You aren’t going to change them, so you need to be much much much more assertive - tell them, don’t ask them.

If you want a night out tell them they are babysitting on Wed, they aren’t doing anything else if they try to deflect ‘oh but what if she wakes up’ say it’ll be fine.

If you want them to take the washing off the line tell them to do it

Tell your Dad that you can’t come and pick him up post coffee and give him the number of a taxi company

If you want them to take your daughter to the playground tell them (fix those days at the beginning of the holiday)

I don’t think you can ask them to cook, but you can just stick bread and cheese on the table a few nights.

Next time give them a heads up of what’s happening when they arrive - family days and quiet days when they can do what they want, along with a public transport timetable and taxi numbers.

And limit the visit to a week or ten days if that would help.

You have responded to this saying "You'd think they would offer". Whilst I agree with you, that hasn't happened. If you actually do as @ancientgran suggested, then you know they really are pretty self-centred, and it isn't just that they haven't thought about it. Depending on age, they may not have had much help from their parents around childcare/babysitting.

FWIW, though my DM has many faults, in this situation she would have minded my DD a couple of times. My inlaws on the other hand would not, and have done similar on hols, despite seeing DD rarely due to distance.

If you do as suggested, without any resentment or passive agression, you will know whether you need to rethink the situation or not. It's worth a go, surely?

They pay for food, lunches and takeaways. If you're having a quiet day, they go out so you can have your own space. When they leave, your DM leaves you more money. Apart from the 6am wake up, they sound like perfect guests.
Go back for a nap with your DD on the 'quiet' days or as PP said go to bed earlier. They're only with you for a few weeks.
I don't understand this perception that DGPs need to babysit and give parents a break. If you feel exhausted all the time, you need a better split of free time with your DH.

I totally sympathise, that's a lot of visiting per year and 2 weeks is a long time. I don't think people appreciate how having guests (even if it is family) muck up normal routines. They are treating your place like an extension of their own home but warmer and on holiday (sounds like they are retired?). As you say, it's not about them paying for stuff, it's about the disruption to your normal life, plus them not joining in with normal family life or spending quality time with your daughter.

Before they leave, you are going to have to be explicit on conditions for them coming in future and if they don't agree to that then sorry, they can't stay with you and will need to find other accommodation. Yes that will be tough but you can't go on like this feeling so resentful.

And you have to tell your father to be quiet in the mornings - why did you go through your mum to get the message across? Are you scared he'll get difficult about it or cause an argument?

I am the overseas visitor when I go back to my home country. Sometimes I've gone for 2-3 months at a time, usually staying with siblings & friends dotted around the country. Being a good guest means recognising that I may be on holiday but they often aren't. I always make sure I muck in with cooking meals, doing dishes, cleaning and laundry, helping with tasks. I pay my own way with groceries and petrol etc and cash if they'll take it, useful gifts if they won't. I also babysit for the kids and give parents some time off in thanks for them letting me stay. (Plus the kids love Auntie Gewurtz & behave like angels so that's fun for me too).

Stick up for yourself and ask DH for support when you do. Your parents might be a bit grumpy about it but they'll get over it if they want to keep coming to stay.

they are always welcome but the extra cooking, cleaning, and disruption to your daughters routine is becoming too much, so next time you want them to do their share of cooking, sweeping, mopping and looking after your daughter
Fuck me, would anyone speak to their parents like this? They've come over not only to see OP but to have a holiday, not to be in a live in au pair.

Ignore the 'but they're on holiday crowd.

My in laws stay in a different country. I tend to cook, they clear up, get themselves drinks, entertain themselves, do a bit of cleaning to help out, play games with the kids. We do the same when we go and stay with them.

They're your family, staying with you. If they want a complete break with someone else doing all the work, they should go and stay in a hotel. Not pitching in for that length of time is really bloody rude

Sounds to me like they have very different expectations to you of visiting. To them they are on holiday, and want to be out and about and have a rest. They believe that buying lunches and paying for some takeaways and petrol is compensation enough.

Sounds like you want them to be there to visit you and help you out with your DD and offer to babysit, do much more chores etc.

I don't think they are unreasonable to go out when you want a quiet day in but you need to tell DF to be quieter in the morning.

@gogohmm I’d never ask them but it’s something I’d naturally do a few times if staying at their house

It does come across as you are tiptoeing around them and that you are scared to voice an opinion, that is exactly how you get walked all over. These are your parents, the people you should be able to be the most open and honest with. Somewhere it has all gone wrong and you have become such a people pleaser that you can't stand up for yourself or even your child.

If the 6am bothers you, say something. If you rather they didn't come for so long, say something. Asking them to cook, when they contribute so much in other ways in terms of food shopping/eating out/take aways would be wrong. If you don't want to drive them, lend them your car (they already pay for your petrol). You can't make them want to spend time with your child though, that is the only thing you can't change.

My dad used to cook a few times a week and mum helped out more, they were also more considerate with plans etc
and asked what we’d like to do sometimes. Since I had Dd it’s got worse and this is when I need help more, it wasn’t as hard before.

I’ve said so many times how we haven’t had a break in 4 years, they know very well, they just don’t do it.

You need to say it directly, not just hint. For example, "Could you babysit one night so we can go out?" Or even, "Right, what night are you going to babysit for us then? Friday or Saturday?" Or next time they announce they are coming, lay down the expectations in advance: "OK, but you're going to babysit one evening per week that you're here and take DD to the park a few times. Otherwise you can get a hotel".

Same with taking your DD to the park: if they tell her to hurry up, say "no, DD's been really good and patient doing adult stuff all afternoon, now it's time for her to do something she enjoys. In fact, you two can stay here with her for another half an hour while I nip home and put a load of laundry on."

If they want to go anywhere and you don't want to take them, give them the bus timetable or an address of a hire car company.

I think with 3-4 visits per year of two weeks per time and seeing how tired and stressful times had been, it would be so lovely to offer, even just once, yes

why do they come so often and for so long?

3-4 visits is ok if it's 3-4 days

2 weeks is too long with anyone.

And if you are asking them to babysit and they are refusing, get more assertive. Mum/Dad, DH and I have booked to go to x tomorrow for a meal - we thought we'd take advantage of you being here. We'll only be out a couple of hours. You can cook for yourself for an evening can't you?

They can't refuse! And if they do, well that's the end of the ridiculously long visits isn't it!

I think you need to be much more assertive, and ask for whatever help you need. Start by asking them to babysit, and tell them what jobs you need doing.

I think your parents are rude to expect you to fit in with their routines, you have the young family, they need to be more considerate. I wonder if they now they are out of line, hence the money.

Thank goodness my late MIL, rarely help us financially, but with practical, help and support she was awesome, I know what I would prefer.

Good luck OP

It sounds as if they regard your house as their holiday home, with the added bonus of a meal every evening.

I would tell them that you're not cooking tonight, so they can eat out, get a takeaway or cook for themselves. Stop being a taxi service for them, let them find their own way back. Arrange to do things during the day so you're not at their beck and call.

Then tell them that their next visit is cancelled. Cut down on the 4 times a year visits. Book a holiday for yourselves. They are taking massive advantage of you and you are being too passive.

I dont think yabu at all. My parents would muck in, do a food shop, take the kids out, help in the garden or with DIY etc. They would also buy us dinner lunches, and hire their own car.

Tell them they can't come and stay any more, they are too much of a burden and it doesn't sound like they give a shit about seeing you anyway.

@Peppapigagainffs Would you stay at someone’s house for two weeks and expect them
to cook for you for two weeks?? You wouldn’t muck in at all?

You are looking for problems where there are none. You said they get takeaways for you all for dinner here and there. There is zero difference between them cooking for you or getting takeaway for the night. Essentially you want them to get takeaways some nights and then cook other nights? They are getting takeaway instead of cooking, like a normal person would do on vacation.

Why do you all need to have breakfast together? They get up early and go out. You want people to get up and sit around for hours until you get up so you can have breakfast together? You see each other plenty during the day, why have yo have breakfast as well? I do think if they are waking the rest of you by being loud then they get up early then you should say something and they should be considerate but the breakfast thing is nuts.

The rest is looking for problems, they are paying their way with money for food (plus takeaway in lieu of cooking). You need to food shop anyway, it’s not something you only do when you have visitors surely? You just get more when you go and they are paying for the extra. They are giving you petrol money. If you want to take your child to soft play just say ‘we are off to soft play this afternoon’ and they can find something else to do (no sane adult would go if given the choice, most would rather stick forks in their eyeballs to be fair). They can go off themselves for a walk or something. You don’t need to spend every moment together or begrudge them time away from you surely.

The only thing additional to your usual life seems to be one car trip out a day, that’s it, and surely for two weeks you can manage this? As for the expectation they have come to babysit …. sheesh, that’s presumptuous. Many people don’t go out for a few years when their kids are little, we never did (special needs, babysitter not an option). It’s not mandatory to have to go out and they are likely not comfortable babysitting so don’t force it.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. They are using you for their frequent holidays.
All you can do is get firm. Tell your Dad he needs to be more considerate in the morning and be,much less noisy.
Ask them to help with washing up etc. Just say do you think you can help with the dinner tonight as I’m tired etc. I think they are taking the piss. Of course you will be bloody tired looking after your child and running around after two extra adults. And definitely start knocking some of the bassist on the head. Tell them it’s too much for you and that’s that.

Visits not bassist