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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my own parents taking the piss out of me?

333 replies

Peppapigagainffs · 27/07/2022 09:55

Feeling really hurt and resentful.

Parents have come to stay with us for a couple of weeks, we live in a lovely, hot place abroad.
Df wakes v early and needs to be up and out doing things. He often decides in his own head what he wants to do and engineers it so we work around him.
I have a 4 year old Dd, who needs her sleep and has some tummy issues at the moment.
Df often gets up early and goes out for a walk and then arranges for us to go and pick him up/meet him briefly for coffee, as he’s bored by then as has had a coffee and wants to go.
If I say we’re having a quiet day in (has been once in almost two weeks) they get up and go out early themselves for a walk/don’t have breakfast with us etc.
I drive them somewhere nice every day and they often come back, nap or watch tv and then I make dinner for everyone. My mum occasionally washes up, dad doesn’t do anything. I Hoover and mop whilst they sit watching the news. They never offer to have Dd, have never babysat, we’ve not had a break for 4 years.
They pay for all food shopping, petrol and lunches when out. This I obviously appreciate as I can’t afford to live my normal life like I’m on holiday and wouldn’t drive everyday somewhere or have lunches out and eat as much as they do.
Just feel resentful of being woke up at 6 everyday by Df being loud and expected to work to his schedule and if I’m not planning to go out, they just go out, no sitting for breakfast or asking what we’re doing.
No one offers to cook, although they do pay for a couple of takeaways. Have a few days left and don’t want to be simmering with resentment and hurt and leave things on a bad note. When they leave they say a thanks for everything and mum often leaves a bit of money on my bedroom dressing table.
Aibu in feeling sort of used & hurt, would you?

OP posts:
AffIt · 27/07/2022 10:42

I think if house guests come to stay for anything in excess of five days, they're no longer 'guests', more 'extended household': it's only polite to share a little of the chores, such as washing up, cooking occasionally etc, especially if your hosts are at work or have small children or animals to care for.

Perhaps the next time your parents come to stay, you suggest something like AirBnB and hiring a car, so that both you and they have a bit more freedom?

Original poster
Peppapigagainffs · 27/07/2022 10:44

@gannett Ive cleaned twice (would normally need to mop more as tiled floors) but kept putting it off as felt awkward trying to hoover and mop when they’re sat there watching tv, but it had to be done 🤷🏻‍♀️Was filthy from extra shoes walking around etc

OP posts:
ilovesushi · 27/07/2022 10:44

They sound great. They aren't expecting you to be entertainments committee. They know what they want to do and crack on and do it and try to include you too so they can spend time with you. They are paying for food and petrol which is significant especially as they will also have paid travel costs to get to wherever you are. Why should your DF change his routine to match a pre-schooler's? Is he crashing around loudly? From your title I thought they were ungrateful guests and treating you rudely. Why have you not had a break in 4 years? That's not on them. Can you not enroll your DD in pre-school or a holiday club?

GettinPiggyWithIt · 27/07/2022 10:44

When we lived abroad our parents were so aware that we were on our own with a babe and we used to be sent away for weekends alone and they of course helped with housework.

Your parents are selfish.

Theluggagerules · 27/07/2022 10:44

You aren't BU to want them to be more involved but ask them directly. If they still don't spend any time with her on their own then make sure you tell them that 2 weeks is too long to come and stay for so they can make other arrangements. I'm sorry they are crap grandparents/parents but sadly you can't make people change.

catsnore · 27/07/2022 10:49

I think they think they are on holiday in a hotel 😂 and they are not keen to do childcare. They just want the nice bits. I'd start giving them jobs tbh. Young kids are hard work and they are quite capable of helping.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/07/2022 10:53

The biggest thing to my mind is your df being loud very early in the morning. You need to tell him “if you’re going to get up that early, please be quiet. That’s not when we wake up, and dd is very tired, as am I”

That bit alone would drive me bonkers.

I’d also be asking them to do the odd bit around the place, watch dd etc, and would be doing some trips to the park with my dd whether or not they wanted to come.

Mollymoostoo · 27/07/2022 10:53

Peppapigagainffs · 27/07/2022 10:06

@Heronwatcher I just feel it’s the never asking/assuming that Dd would like to do her usual things that make her happy too-playground, soft play etc and that she doesn’t like going to sit properly for long and eat lunch out everyday. Also the fact they say it’s to come and see us but if I said we weren’t going out for a few days, they’d just bugger off out. The never offering to take the strain off me of making dinner for two weeks and maybe pitching in and making something/taking it in turns, or helping out a little with things in the house-washing off line or offering for us to go out for a night (we’ve never done this) so they could spend time with their granddaughter

They see you as a hotel and they are on holiday. Things why they think getting up and going out is okay and just leave you and go out if you are not willing to join them.
If you don't like this arrangement you need to yell them to stay in a hotel next time and host meet up on your schedule.

Disneyvillain · 27/07/2022 10:54

OP I voted YABU but reading through your comments I’ve changed my mind. We used to live abroad and having visitors for extended holidays is exhausting- it changes your routine and you can never fully relax. My DPs were not like yours - they loved spending time with DD and would help out with chores/errands. I think you will either have to reduce the visits or be firmer with them about fitting into your schedule so that there’s more of a balance between their expectations and you/your DD’s daily life. They do it because you let them x

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 27/07/2022 10:56

They sound really annoying. I'd be telling them they can't come so often and definitely not for 2 weeks

gogohmm · 27/07/2022 10:56

Flip it around, they have spent a lot of money to visit you, if they are working using precious annual leave. I agree the 6am is unreasonable but wanting to go out is fair enough, they are on holiday

Freckledot · 27/07/2022 10:56

Vikinga · 27/07/2022 10:33

My god op you're being very dramatic. You have 1 kid and you have to cook for 5 instead of 3 for 2 weeks. And you take them out once a day. It's hardly back breaking stuff!

Most people have that as their normal lol.

Get your DH to pull his weight. Look after your child whilst you go out and do his share of housework.

Your DD can go to bed earlier if she's tired from getting woken up early.

This.

Meraas · 27/07/2022 10:57

Peppapigagainffs · 27/07/2022 10:39

@Meraas Yes, my parents, generally Easter, summer once, maybe twice and then end of October (maybe just one week for this, but wouldn’t be surprised if they book two this year)

Tell them it's too much OP! Start limiting it to once a year at the very least!

And they can only come after you've been to stay with them!!

Mally100 · 27/07/2022 10:59

Peppapigagainffs · 27/07/2022 10:30

@Bunty55 Would you stay at someone’s house for two weeks and expect them
to cook for you for two weeks?? You wouldn’t muck in at all?
I’m not mean spirited at all, I do this three-four times a year, with a challenging 4 year old, with many problems of our own, without ever having a break…I’m tired.

This is your parents though. Not friends or acquaintances. I hardly think it's outrageous that they would think their dd might cook as she usually would in any case for her own family. And they are buying stuff when out, so I'm not sure what your issue is. It's 2 weeks not months.

Meraas · 27/07/2022 10:59

Freckledot · 27/07/2022 10:56

This.

Show quote history

Both you @Freckledot and @Vikinga need to RTFT.

Your opinions are useless if you haven't RTFT.

For a start, it's THREE/FOUR visits per year.

gogohmm · 27/07/2022 11:01

I personally don't do chill days on holidays either. I've lived overseas, I know guests for 2+ weeks are hard work but I'd never dream of asking them to cook or clean

Thisisit2022 · 27/07/2022 11:04

I could cope with all of that except my parents would always want to spend some quality alone time with my chid and same for my sibling's children. That would hurt tbh.

MushMonster · 27/07/2022 11:05

LOL.....
No, I do not think they are taking the piss.
They are contributing financially.
Are they retired? Do they have health problems?
I think older people do deserve a rest, after years and years of working and bringing up their own children.
If you do need some help, have you tried asking? Do they say no?
Sharing space with family is always tricky, but worthy.
The only thing is that I would like them to spend more time with their grandchildren to make some nice memories for them.

Bunty55 · 27/07/2022 11:06

OP You did not say they came more than once in your original post !

Tell them to go to an hotel or better still communicate with them so they know how you feel ?

BeggarsMeddle · 27/07/2022 11:07

Can you not revise the number of times they come over. Reduce it to twice a year. That's still a month of hotel-style accommodation.

Why do you have to say yes to them staying? And what does your husband think about all of this? You experience your parents for 16 weeks worth of time per year. He significantly less.

Allmarbleslost · 27/07/2022 11:08

If you don't put your foot down and tell them what you want nothing will change, will it?

Headabovetheparakeet · 27/07/2022 11:08

It sounds like they think of your place as their holiday home and the visits are just cheap holidays rather than a family visit. I would be pissed off too.

FawnFrenchieMum · 27/07/2022 11:09

I don't think you actually know what you want, I think your just tired of hosting them.

You talk about them not cooking but they are paying for meals and take aways. I wouldn't want to cook in someone elses house abroad so I would do this instead to give the host some time off.
You say they don't spend time with you yet you say you are out with them most days.
They don't give you time to do stuff with your daughter yet they go off by themselves for the day if you don't want to the same things as them.
Doesn't sound like they can actually win.

The noisy early rising is annoying, you need to mention that to your DF.

The baby sitting thing, ask them outright, while your here would you mind watching DD for a few hours, they might say yes, they might say no but you don't actually know until you ask.

Sisisimone · 27/07/2022 11:09

Other than waking you all up early I can't see they're doing anything wrong. Have a word with your dad about how loud he is being, he probably doesn't realise. I have stayed with family abroad and vice versa them with me. I would never expect family or friends to clean my house or cook for me. You're only cooking for 2 extra people, it shouldn't be that hard. If it is, have a few nights where you do something really easy- a one pot dish like chilli or pizza and salad. They seem really generous, paying for all food, petrol, meals out then leaving more money for you at the end of their trip so they are considerate that they are not leaving you out of pocket. Finally, they are not your babysitters. I know we all have this ideal that GP will love spending time with their grandkids, take them out, babysit etc but not everyone is like that. Some GP just can't cope with all the baby/toddler stuff or they just don't want to. They don't owe you childcare. You need to address the fact you haven't had a night out in 4 years by finding reliable childcare where you live and using it. You must have other mum friends, nursery/school contacts that could recommend someone.

Gilmorehill · 27/07/2022 11:09

As I’ve always lived far from my dps as an adult, the only way I’d get to spend time with them is when they’d come and stay for a couple of weeks. It was a lot of work cooking and cleaning and at the time, I felt a bit resentful. Now my dm has passed away and my df doesn’t like to stay for too long. I wish I could go back to those days. Enjoy your family time and don’t look for problems, which is what I feel you are doing .