Are my own parents taking the piss out of me?

[Peppapigagainffs]

Feeling really hurt and resentful.

Parents have come to stay with us for a couple of weeks, we live in a lovely, hot place abroad.
Df wakes v early and needs to be up and out doing things. He often decides in his own head what he wants to do and engineers it so we work around him.
I have a 4 year old Dd, who needs her sleep and has some tummy issues at the moment.
Df often gets up early and goes out for a walk and then arranges for us to go and pick him up/meet him briefly for coffee, as he’s bored by then as has had a coffee and wants to go.
If I say we’re having a quiet day in (has been once in almost two weeks) they get up and go out early themselves for a walk/don’t have breakfast with us etc.
I drive them somewhere nice every day and they often come back, nap or watch tv and then I make dinner for everyone. My mum occasionally washes up, dad doesn’t do anything. I Hoover and mop whilst they sit watching the news. They never offer to have Dd, have never babysat, we’ve not had a break for 4 years.
They pay for all food shopping, petrol and lunches when out. This I obviously appreciate as I can’t afford to live my normal life like I’m on holiday and wouldn’t drive everyday somewhere or have lunches out and eat as much as they do.
Just feel resentful of being woke up at 6 everyday by Df being loud and expected to work to his schedule and if I’m not planning to go out, they just go out, no sitting for breakfast or asking what we’re doing.
No one offers to cook, although they do pay for a couple of takeaways. Have a few days left and don’t want to be simmering with resentment and hurt and leave things on a bad note. When they leave they say a thanks for everything and mum often leaves a bit of money on my bedroom dressing table.
Aibu in feeling sort of used & hurt, would you?

I think YANBU to be feeling fed up - they're using visiting you as an excuse for a cheap holiday.

You need to stand up for yourself and put some boundaries in place. Don't have them to stay for more than a day or two - let them pay for a hotel. Ask Dad to be quieter in the mornings. Ask them to babysit. Stop driving them round.

Are you having problems with your DD? One 4 year old shouldn't be that hard to look after - so maybe there are issues with her that you haven't mentioned? Can you put her to bed earlier if she's tired?

I think I might have read your thread in the past too. Visitors can be difficult and it's clear they are visiting for too long each time. Two weeks is too much for you. However, I think your posts are very confused and full of mixed messages. You simultaneously resent them being there and causing you work. But you also resent them sorting themselves out and going out and not "seeing you" or "being with you". I think you seem to be full of hurt about something and it's all a bit passive and a little needy towards them as though there is some other issues at play -not just about them staying with you. As well as sounding like you want more from them, you also want less from them. So I think this could be quite tricky for them to know what to do with.

I think them going out a lot is a bonus. Imagine other people coming into a person's house and not ever going out and just being there all the time or taking over domestic tasks. Some people might find that intrusive or overbearing. You keep mentioning saying to them the next day will be a "chill" day. But what if they are very active types who will be fidgeting just hanging about with nothing to do? In which case surely it's good that they get out and occupy themselves a bit?

On the other hand, your dad does sound a bit fixed and set in his ways and perhaps a bit thoughtlessly dominating. But you sound very bitter whilst not finding methods to deal with it. You possibly have to accept they are what they are and try and find practical ways of making it better and bearable for you so you have the best relationship you can with them.

Maybe don't resent them going out and sorting themselves out or planning their own activities. I would take that as a chance to continue your own routine and not have to worry about them too much. It sounds like they are "make a plan" people and you are a "less plan" person. That's fine - I'm like you. But it can make people nervous to have no plan and maybe making one - ie they go out all morning and and maybe you meet for coffee and lunch etc - might allow you to relax and feel less resentful as at least you could do some chill things with your daughter in that space. Perhaps you can make better arrangements about lifts so your day isn't thrown out of whack and you know where you are. I know it's a bit annoying when people want a minute by minute schedule but some people need every moment planned. If they are like that it's a lot easier to let them get on with it. Maybe you can fit in with the odd lunch and pick up and see them a bit less intensely?

I'm picking up some resentment around how they are with you versus when your DH is off. Maybe you feel underappreciated or you think that they don't recognise how much you do and therefore think you can run around after them or something? I think you have to just back yourself more and maybe turn their attitudes into a joke with yourself "here we go" sort of thing, so it doesn't really get to you. Most importantly - ignore them! You don't need them to think like you do or want to do the things you want to do. If they have expectations you don't want to meet, you need to make them realise you're not doing that.

In terms of babysitting - it might be they aren't confident in that or aren't wanting to. You can be strong and demand it for an evening to go out or just leave it. I think being hurt about people and whether they are spending enough time at the playpark is a bit futile. A lot of little children's activiities are rather boring for adults. It doesn't mean they aren't wanting to see you or don't care though.

Lastly - there seems to be a lot of visits that you aren't enjoying and are causing resentment where you seem to feel like there are expectations on you. I think you need to reduce the visits. Maybe the resentment is coming from guilt because you're not enjoying it and therefore you're focusing on resentments that don't seem huge but I think anyone can understand. It's simply too many visits that go on too long. Maybe look to cut them down. Maybe instigate a "no meals" or "some meals" policy. Ie - you're welcome to come stay and lovely to see you but I've got to carry on as normal and can't cook for you for two weeks - I'll do mon and wed, you can do Tues and Thurs. OR "I won't be able to do meals" fullstop.

I get the impression you are shying away from the tougher and more practical messages perhaps because you are looking for something else from them. Approval? i don't know. If you take out the hurt, it would be easier to look at it more practically and work out how to make the situation better for you. Good luck OP. I know you posted before and you sound a bit down on yourself and not confident dealing with them. Don't be. You're being splendid to do so many long visits without going bonkers. I would be terrible! A lot of people would find it hard without it necessarily being anyone's fault. So maybe look at it dispassionately, take the hurt out and find some ways of just making it doable and more enjoyable for you without expecting big changes from them in terms of them suddenly just "getting it" because they haven't so far and are probably quite set in their ways. So be proactive and work out how it could be better for you and then put some of that into operation.

I am just a stranger on the internet so may be wrong. But what I think is happening is:

• Your dad is used to your mum doing everything so simply does not see it as his job to wash up or anything else. He is also used to things revolving around what he wants and is simply acting as he normally does.
• Your mum sees the woman who has visitors as the person who should host and do the work. She has probably done this herself so does not see any issue with you doing it.

If I am honest, I would not want to sit inside anyone's house for a "quiet day". When we used to visit my parents they used to do this and we used to go out for a walk or a visit somewhere. But I was fine if my parents did not want to go out. They are just trying to work around what you and they want.

Often as we get older, we see how sexist our parent's relationship is and/or how entrenched in particular routines they are. Your options are either to accept it and work around it, or challenge it - but be prepared it may lead to big fallouts.

I would ask them to babysit though. Although I suspect it will really be your mother babysitting.

i go to see my dad for 2/3 weeks each year, he lives on his own so i try to work to his way of doing things, he is a veggie so i make my own meals and clean up for both of us, if he gets up early he does not wake me, i sleep in the living room so he takes his cuppa to the bedroom, i go into town every few days to give him a break, which i do not mind. sit down with you parents and tell them you love having them with you but and explain about the problems, have a soup and pudding night or sandwiches and a couple of buffet items and explain you are too tired to cook with all the running around you are having to do, maybe they will take the hint and cook a couple of times, i use paper plates as i live on my own and it saves a lot of washing up and if they ask then say you are fed up with washing dishes every night.

I can relate to a great deal of this and I think you’re getting a hard time on here, OP, from people who lack the imagination to put themselves in your shoes. With me though, it’s always the PILs. What I can’t relate to, however, is being so passive and awkward with your own parents and especially your own mother.
My PILs have repeatedly done the whole “coming to visit you”, “desperate to see GC” thing, and in my experience it’s all bullshit. I think they hear that chat from their nice friends at the golf club and want to emulate it. I was amazed when I went on holiday with my PILs and they never, not once, took their 4 year old GD out for a walk or even to get an ice cream.
They’re treating your home like their holiday home. Hold your breath til they leave, then prepare yourself to sort this out going forward. Half the number of visits and reduce the level of “service”.

I don't think they're taking the piss at all. Perhaps you need to be more assertive, so if you don't fancy going out that day, just say I'm having a quiet day today.

Why are you not telling them what you want?
Doesn't your child go to nursery or school?

They're definitely using you as a cheap holiday. By staying with you, they get to save money on accomodation, food and I'm guessing drinks too.

They probably haven't considered cooking because they're on 'holiday'. It's not about seeing you which is sad.

I don't know what you can do other than rather then staying with you again, you go on holiday somewhere else together. I suspect that won't go down well as your dad 'likes it here'.......but I can't see anything changing when they stay at yours.

… and also, if @Hadtocomment isn't a professional therapist, then he/she should be! 😊

Would you stay at someone’s house for two weeks and expect them
to cook for you for two weeks?? You wouldn’t muck in at all?

I'd be cooking for me, dh and ds anyway, ir dh would be doing some so a couple of extra portions wouldn't be a big deal - sure I'd appreciate help with washing up but surely whoever did t cook could do that (at least that's how we work). I wouldnt cook them special meals though, just what we would have anyway. They probably think that paying for the food and taking you out for meals is their contribution.

Sounds to me as if neither of them are sensitive enough to be able to see what a terrible strain having them to stay is on you (entertaining and running people around and cooking is very stressful, particularly with a small child). It's difficult for me to imagine because in the same situation my mum would be cooking and shopping for everyone and my dad would be doing the garden and cleaning the car. And they'd both stay in bed, quietly, until they heard me getting up.

Some older people get rigid about timetables and what they 'have' to to do and won't do. It sounds as if your father is a really dominating presence and your mother has just submitted to him for a quiet life. Your father's behaviour is bad manners. At the very least he should slip silently out of the house at 6am and find his own way home later.

You've asked them to change and they haven't. I would probably, with a few days to go, ask them today to do/ not do three specific things. I'd ask my father to lie in bed and read a book/ listen to a podcast until the rest of the family are up. I'd ask them both to shop for and cook a meal, and I'd ask them to look after their GC for a few hours so that I could go out (even if it just means sitting having a coffee somewhere for you).

If there's a row, so be it — stick to your guns and be clear. If they do what you ask with grace then you might consider having them back in the future. If they resist and grumble, grit your teeth and get through this visit and then, when they say they're coming again say no, they will need to stay in a hotel where they can come and go as they please. Good luck. Sounds horrible. You deserve better parents.

It's for two weeks, go with the flow. X

I think you have mismatched expectations. They probably think they are doing you a favour to be out of the house and not in your hair 24/7. Many people would love that when family comes to visit - to have them be independent and go out and about.

It seems you have resentment building up over what is in your head and what you think they are thinking about you and your daughter. Your expectation is different from their expectation of a holiday. I think too if you went to them it would be the same issue. You are saying that your expectation is that the visitors would pay for things, cook you meals, look after your chores / children, and live on your schedule..is that what you intend to do when you go visit them?

Yes, I do think they’re taking the piss a bit.

With the babysitting, you just have to ask. You can’t sit around waiting for them to offer.

As for other stuff, likewise, talk to them about it.

Say no to them visiting so often, and instead, go and give them a taste of their own medicine!

It depends on your fathers age but I do think a lot of mean at a certain age, are very selfish and certainly do not do anything in the home, not all but a very high percentage. X

I do cook for visitors who stay, including family and that can be for a few weeks. I personally do not see it as a big deal.
My parents cooked for me and my family when we went to stay.

Two weeks x 4 visits per year.
That's almost 2 months out of the year.

My advice would be to get in earlier than they do and tell them before they leave your place at this holiday that either you want them to stay in a hotel/B&B the next time they are coming to your location as it's getting too much for you but you'll meet up with them regularly when they visit
OR
You tell them that you'll be coming to visit them in July/Aug time next year so don't go booking flights for next year just yet.

Don't wait for them to have made the bookings (because they will). Decide which of the above works for you best and go with that.

You're not running an Air BnB for their comfort and you deserve some downtime too.

And lots of parents cook and do all the chores when adult children visit, including if they visit with a partner or children. It is not unusual. So I can see why parents would expect the same treatment when they visit adult children.

They are absolutely taking the piss. They are treating you like an all inclusive holiday with chauffeur service.

op id be cutting down those visits to twice a year max.

Youneed to put your foot down, if your dropping hints at things your not happy about they are either ignoring them or not picking up on them.

My first step would be telling them that 2 weeks is too much of a disruption to your DD routine and it unsettles her, you realise its a holiday for them but it is business as usual for you.
You are happy to accommodate them for a week at a time maximum - 2 weeks is far too long to be hosting anyone in my opinion.

It sounds like they book these holidays before even clearing dates with you - i would be inclined to inform them of dates that are suitable for you. And if it's not suitable for you, tell them. If they've booked flights - tell them to move them. You are givign them so much power over what happens in your own home.

When they discuss coming over again, re-iterrate rules above and inform them that you won't be able to be running them around every day as DD has such and such on this day etc.

They have got into a routine of coming over when they fancy, doing what they fancy and not thinking twice. Boundaries need putting into place instead of you just sat silently seething the whole time

OP you'd like to think of it as them coming to see you. They think of it as a cheap holiday. No accommodation costs, most meals provided and a chauffeur on tap, but doing it as they would if they were staying in a hotel.

Several PPs have said just tell them that you'd like an evening to go out with DH while they babysit or whatever, but the impression I get from your posts is that they would refuse. Back to it being their holiday again.

You have two choices. Either accept that they see it purely as a holiday for them and suck it up. Or you tell them to cut down on their visits. Two weeks four times a year is eight weeks out of 52. That's a lot. When OPs ask whether it's reasonable for DM/MIL to keep dropping in unannounced a lot of posters say just don't answer the door. If you've told them don't come, it's not convenient, it's too much, and they come anyway then do the same. Don't let them in. (Yes, I know that's the nuclear option.)

What's your relationship with them like generally? Have you always tried to please them, to get them to take more interest in you (and now DC), to get their approval? It's time to set your own boundaries, the ones that work for you, and if that means a difficult conversation so be it. On what you've written here they sound selfish.

It is difficult. But I know as a mother I would be very sad if my adult children said I could only see them for two weeks a year.

But would you also book your tickets without ever giving your children a chance to visit you instead?

Would you get annoyed if your child took their child to the playground?

Would you sit there and watch whilst your child does the dishes every night?

It's simply too many visits that go on too long.

This!

For future visits be clearer about how you'd like it to work. Provide bus timetables, taxi numbers, car rental details so they don't look to you to ferry them around all the time. I don't think they're being mean so much as complacent and insensitive. Cut down to two visits a year of only a week each time and you'll manage/host them better.