Are my own parents taking the piss out of me?

[Peppapigagainffs]

Feeling really hurt and resentful.

Parents have come to stay with us for a couple of weeks, we live in a lovely, hot place abroad.
Df wakes v early and needs to be up and out doing things. He often decides in his own head what he wants to do and engineers it so we work around him.
I have a 4 year old Dd, who needs her sleep and has some tummy issues at the moment.
Df often gets up early and goes out for a walk and then arranges for us to go and pick him up/meet him briefly for coffee, as he’s bored by then as has had a coffee and wants to go.
If I say we’re having a quiet day in (has been once in almost two weeks) they get up and go out early themselves for a walk/don’t have breakfast with us etc.
I drive them somewhere nice every day and they often come back, nap or watch tv and then I make dinner for everyone. My mum occasionally washes up, dad doesn’t do anything. I Hoover and mop whilst they sit watching the news. They never offer to have Dd, have never babysat, we’ve not had a break for 4 years.
They pay for all food shopping, petrol and lunches when out. This I obviously appreciate as I can’t afford to live my normal life like I’m on holiday and wouldn’t drive everyday somewhere or have lunches out and eat as much as they do.
Just feel resentful of being woke up at 6 everyday by Df being loud and expected to work to his schedule and if I’m not planning to go out, they just go out, no sitting for breakfast or asking what we’re doing.
No one offers to cook, although they do pay for a couple of takeaways. Have a few days left and don’t want to be simmering with resentment and hurt and leave things on a bad note. When they leave they say a thanks for everything and mum often leaves a bit of money on my bedroom dressing table.
Aibu in feeling sort of used & hurt, would you?

@UncutNoChaser

From the way you describe it, it sounds like money is tight for your family. And it doesn't sound like you work. With only one child, you shouldn't be that exhausted! So if you can "earn" some income 3-4 times a year, during your parent's visits, their visits could be looked at as a solution to one of your problems. If you look at it that way you won't be so bitter by the little bit extra you do during their visits! Throwing a couple extra pieces of meat in the pan and washing a couple extra plates is nothing. Especially when they're buying all the food! And giving them a ride or two in exchange for having your tank filled up is a good deal! Most of the other household chores you have to do anyway. Not to mention your daughter will be starting school in no time at all. You could even consider being a daycare for another child her age to keep her occupied with a playmate and earn some money there as well. Basically, look for the solutions rather than dwelling on problems. Life is much easier and happier when you're optimistic!

YABU. You've contradicted yourself a lot.
-You live in a lovely place abroad. Assuming your parents do not live wherever you do, it's entirely possible that they are there to see you but also there to enjoy the abroad place. You CAN have multiple reasons for wanting to visit one location. In this case it would be family and not being in the place they live.
-You are completely aware of your dad's habit of getting up early and doing his own thing. He is an adult. On vacation. If it is such a deal breaker to be woken up early in the morning, and 6 isn't even that early, that's a normal time a lot of people wake up, when he's there you need to either: tell him to be more quiet and enforce that rule, politely ask that maybe they stay in a hotel or a rental close by if you guys have Airbnb's or something of the sort, or just simply communicate that they are disrupting the flow of YOUR daily life while also being respectful of their daily lives. If it is harming your daughters sleep schedule so much you can adjust it to her going to bed earlier. So she can wake up earlier. Or put her down for a nap. Naps are a thing.
-They are on vacation. It is assholish that you expect them to OFFER to watch your daughter so you can go have a date night. Especially after you saying in a previous comment that you don't see why they can't just stay in and enjoy time with your daughter instead of going out and throwing money at things. Which is exactly what you're wanting to do. Go throw money at things without your daughter.
-If you're unhappy with the amount of cleaning up the messes they help create, it needs to be made firmly aware that from now on, they help clean the messes they help make, or you will no longer be cooking the meals at home and go out to eat dinner instead so those pesky dishes aren't a problem.
-You made the statement that your daughter doesn't like to sit still for very long or go out to eat lunch every day. Totally reasonable. However, you turn around and complain that they don't help cook at home at all. If they are taking you out for lunch every day and the occasional take away for dinner, and you're physically cooking the dinner on other nights and they are not usually there for breakfast. They're pulling their part. Just in a different way than you. There's nothing wrong with that. You also said they pay for food shopping, whether that be just snacks while you're out or small things to take home, they're contributing. Stop complaining.
-It is not their fault you haven't had a break from parenting your child in 4 years. They already raised their kid. You are a parent now. That's what you do. Parent your child. And it is not their responsibility to offer for you to go out on a date night while they're in town. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you ASKING if they can watch your kid while you go out for a couple of hours and even offer to pay them for it. Because let's be real here, just because they are your parents does not mean you are entitled to free child care from them. And there also isn't anything wrong with you hiring a babysitter. If you don't trust strangers to watch your child or your parents don't want to. That's not their fault. You'll have to wait for your date night. That's a pain that comes with parenting. Putting your own self on the back burner for the sake of your child.

Stop being selfish with the woe-is-me stuff. They're buying lunches, the gas they have you use, snacks, dinners from takeaway places. Your mother THANKS YOU and LEAVES YOU MONEY BEFORE SHE GOES. They could very easily just be like "hey this was fun, see you later, bye!" But they don't. They thank you, and give you money which could easily be seen as "Thanks for all the time you've put in, go buy yourself something nice." They're pulling their part. If you're tired of them always coming to you. You go to them once, but don't you dare go their house on vacation and not pay for lunch everyday, or give them gas money if they take you some place, or buy them snacks, or take away sometimes or leave them money and say thank you before you leave. And DON'T treat that as a time you think you're gonna just swindle them into watching your daughter or purposefully make their lives miserable like you kind of suggested in one of your comments about needing/deserving a vacation cause you haven't been able to do do that due to covid and you're daughter being younger. I hate to break it to you, but if you haven't had time away in 4 years, and covid has only been a problem for two of those years it's just an excuse at this point. People go on vacation with their 2 year olds and younger all the time. Literally all the time. Nothing stopping you from doing it too. Stop being selfish, petty and in your own feelings. Stand up for yourself. Enjoy the time you have left with your parents and stop trying to guilt them into watching your daughter. Open your mouth and communicate. Ask. And if that isn't working put your foot down and tell them vacationing at your house is no longer allowed, don't open your home to them and then bitch about them being there.

My mum used to rifle through filing cabinets and drawers when she used to stay. She died nearly 4 years ago and I do not miss that behaviour at all!

It sounds like they are in the habit of booking flights then telling when they will be coming to stay.i really would knock it on the head, 8 weeks a year is too much given their lack of interest in their granddaughter and I wouldn't tolerate it.

But these grandparents seem to have minimal interest in seeing their grandchild growing! Can you not see that 'grandparents' are not all the same, some are loving, considerate, interested and helpful. And others plainly aren't. OP's parents aren't the worst I've read about here but they are still pretty shite. And maybe the OP WASN'T spoilt and has little to repay. I happen to have a mother at least who is pretty great but as a sentient being, I am aware that 'grandparents' run the gamut and your pollyana-ish exhortation to treasure these people (complete with exclamation marks! ) is both naive and hurtful.

Visiting three to four times a year is a wonderful way to see a child grow! The luxury of being grandparents is to enjoy seeing the little one(s), without the drudgery of raising children all over again! Considering many couples take issue with the way the grandparents interfere with how they choose to raise their child, these grandparents are beyond considerate by knowing their place and not overstepping into someone else's roll! Even helping to remove some of the financial burden for their daughter is a super sweet way of respecting boundaries while spoiling her a bit! It's revealing to the kind of people they truly are!!!
There's no need for the negativity of "maybe" this or that IN CAPS, to emphasize your [glass is half empty] assumptions! Your bad attitude doesn't help anyone! And certainly doesn't help the op gain a healthy mindset, by choosing to look for the good in things to better enjoy life!
It's a shame that pessimists want to challenge everyone who has a positive outlook and who prefer to avoid the dysfunctional scenarios, and who would rather seek out the silver linings!!! #miserylovescompany

I remember your thread from last year.

They see it as their cheap holiday it's not a visit to spend time with you and DD.

All you can do is put your foot down and say it isn't working for you that they come in stay in your home and expect you to host them at the expense of DDs routine.

They aren't going to change.

The luxury of being grandparents is to enjoy seeing the little one(s), without the drudgery of raising children all over again!

Do you really think going to the playground with your grandchild is revisiting the "drudgery of raising children". I'm so glad my parents and MIL were not of this point of view. FIL was though.

I remember your previous posts - weren’t your parents the ones kicking off about you turning the spare room into your daughter’s bedroom?!

I get why this is hurtful. It makes you feel as though they’re happy to use your place as a holiday home but not to spend any time with you or your family on anything other than their terms. How I read it was that they’re generous with their money but not with their time and they show little to no interest in you, your daughter or your lives (apologies if I’m over-reading).

And because you live so far apart, you don’t want to rock the boat by upsetting them and being direct about what the issues are when they’re actually there, so you say nothing and write seething posts on Mumsnet.😉

I think you have a choice: you take any positives you can from their visits, or you instigate some changes. They won’t like it. I imagine it feels as though they won’t “let” you have boundaries or impose your way of doing things? But you can, you know. Definitely time to break the cycle. Is the problem driven by your DF or is it more 50-50? It sounds as though a lot of it is about accommodating his wants.

Parenting is all about having the needs (and wants) of your minor children dictate the majority of the hours of your day. Even when on family vacations. But once the children are grown and the elderly grandparents are living out their golden years, they've finally earned the right to do things for themselves. At their own pace, without feeling obligated to give up their precious little time left to the responsibilities they had in their energetic youth. Especially during their long-awaited vacation time. Things that appealed to them in an earlier season of life, no longer hold the same magic. And can actually feel like work.

@KnockedInn I hardly think the GPs "holidays "
can be described as "long awaited " when they spend 6-8 weeks a year there.

To me the issue is this blurring of family visit with holiday. GPs clearly view OPs home as a holiday base and seem to have no interest in spending time with their DGD and in fact view her as a nuisance who impacts on OPs ability to act as chauffeur and tour guide.

On this basis the visits are too long and too frequent.

Nah, before retirement most couples with children look forward to a time when they can enjoy taking vacations alone, after the children are grown. It certainly is long-awaited once that day arrives! And their daughter is compensated when clearly she needs the money! It's all good

YANBU about the early morning noise (v inconsiderate of your dad), but YABU in saying you’ve “not had a break for 4 years” with your daughter. Surely that’s the job/responsibility of the parents 24/7?

I don’t have kids as I don’t want that specific job or responsibility.

@KnockedInn - it's clearly not good when the OP is so unhappy about it.
GPs should enjoy their holidays elsewhere without a personal maid and chauffeur.

@KnockedInn you’re clearly struggling to understand that while your parents might have been wonderful and involved GPs, the OP’s ones are clearly not. They’re just for a cheap holiday and seem to see their granddaughter as a noisy pain in the arse. They’re taking the piss. Next time they can fuck off to a hotel like the considerate sister.

Such mixed views…one minute I feel so guilty after some of these posts…the next I feel angry and upset that they may not care that much about my feelings and the feelings of my Dd

yes, some grandparents do feel like that. So they probably should pick a holiday destinatinon that isn't the home of their daughter and grandchild. you can imagine how their daughter and grandchild might get confused when parents/grandparents come for long visits and think they might be visiting to see them instead of enjoying "their long-awaited vacation time". My FIL certainly would never have wanted to spend any time with small children even his grandchildren but in fairness to him he didn't then come to my house for several weeks and expect me to entertain him. he took his vacations in places that suited the stage of life he wanted to be at.

Who wants to be "compensated" by your parents using your home as a cheap holiday home?

I very much doubt that whatever the OP's parents pay, it is much, much cheaper than a hotel or rented villa. And I suspect that is why they are staying there, not for any other reason.

These people are so desperate to maintain the status quo of 4 x 2 week visits at OP’s, that they book their flights as soon as OP makes noises about visiting then for a change.

They’re cheeky fuckers. A few takeaways and petrol money doesn’t change that.

Haha I really can't with these bad influencers on here wanting to spread hate and negativity! They "think" and "assume" their fabricated Doom and Gloom, worst case scenarios. While they "hardly think" and "doubt" that intentions or actions could ever be sincere and straight from the heart!
I'll tell you what op, if that's the sort you want supporting you, knock yourself out! But keep in mind that the majority of people hearing you out, (80%) in fact, believe you could look inside yourself and do better! We are the optimists and are trying to give you a positive perspective that you might find joy and see the positive in your life, as it is.
As I did not intend to come here to converse with the sort stirring their pot, I'll leave them to brew their mean spirited conversation with themselves. And allow you to decide on which type of woman you'd rather be.
Because ultimately, only you have to live with the choices you make. And you have this One Life to live out to its fullest.

What a very strange post. You do realise that its very immoral to demonise people in the way that you have done. You're also attempting to be quite manipulative. "bad influences", "they", "them", "think", "assume", the sort you want supporting you", "the sort" again, "mean spirited". Perhaps you could try to put your views across without being so insulting, and then people might respond to you a bit more positively. In terms of the manipulation written into your post, its ironic that your descriptions apply more accurately to yourself.

Goodness. You are unusually worked up about this issue. Hit a nerve, has it?

Such passive aggressive bullshit. It's only missing "be kind".

@KnockedInn have you ever heard of toxic positivity? Because your posts reek of it and are pretty obnoxious tbh.

Are you the op, have you name changed?

Agreed, give me a straight up bitch any day of the week than this load of crap. And her earlier posts read like a sickly smoothie you'd get if you put every bad self help book into a blender and pressed start.