Are my own parents taking the piss out of me?

[Peppapigagainffs]

Feeling really hurt and resentful.

Parents have come to stay with us for a couple of weeks, we live in a lovely, hot place abroad.
Df wakes v early and needs to be up and out doing things. He often decides in his own head what he wants to do and engineers it so we work around him.
I have a 4 year old Dd, who needs her sleep and has some tummy issues at the moment.
Df often gets up early and goes out for a walk and then arranges for us to go and pick him up/meet him briefly for coffee, as he’s bored by then as has had a coffee and wants to go.
If I say we’re having a quiet day in (has been once in almost two weeks) they get up and go out early themselves for a walk/don’t have breakfast with us etc.
I drive them somewhere nice every day and they often come back, nap or watch tv and then I make dinner for everyone. My mum occasionally washes up, dad doesn’t do anything. I Hoover and mop whilst they sit watching the news. They never offer to have Dd, have never babysat, we’ve not had a break for 4 years.
They pay for all food shopping, petrol and lunches when out. This I obviously appreciate as I can’t afford to live my normal life like I’m on holiday and wouldn’t drive everyday somewhere or have lunches out and eat as much as they do.
Just feel resentful of being woke up at 6 everyday by Df being loud and expected to work to his schedule and if I’m not planning to go out, they just go out, no sitting for breakfast or asking what we’re doing.
No one offers to cook, although they do pay for a couple of takeaways. Have a few days left and don’t want to be simmering with resentment and hurt and leave things on a bad note. When they leave they say a thanks for everything and mum often leaves a bit of money on my bedroom dressing table.
Aibu in feeling sort of used & hurt, would you?

Honestly ? This is their holiday and not yours. If you do not like it then next time they come on holiday presumably to see you - thus killing two birds with one stone.. tell them to go to an hotel for one week and spend the rest with you.
You sound mean spirited.
Why should they cook if they are on holiday? I bet they get the vibe off you OP I am getting it just reading

It’s like yesterday I was saying to my mum, how Dd would like to go around the block on her new bike etc, that we’d have a chill day tomorrow (today) and maybe could take Dd on her bike and/or a dog walk. Today I get up and literally within minutes, they’ve gone out, even Dd said ‘Are you having breakfast with us?’
I don’t know…feel sometimes like it’s a nice place for them to stay and do things they’d like to do for *Their holiday and it’s not about visiting us and spending time with us.
ive even spoken in the past about maybe returning to the U.K. to live and my dad just says ‘But I like it here’ 🤷🏻‍♀️Wtf

Ask them to do something. Say you are tired/stressed/not feeling well so could they take DD to the playground and let you have a couple of hours rest or babysit one night so you and DH can go out for a meal. If they refuse then I think it is time for a rethink.

@Bunty55 Would you stay at someone’s house for two weeks and expect them
to cook for you for two weeks?? You wouldn’t muck in at all?
I’m not mean spirited at all, I do this three-four times a year, with a challenging 4 year old, with many problems of our own, without ever having a break…I’m tired.

It sounds to me as though you wanted your parents to be child carers for 2 weeks. Surely if you're all going out together then they are spending time with your daughter. If you live in a different country to them it's not their fault that you haven't been for an evening out for the past 4 years.

@ancientgran Wouldnt you just offer that though if you were staying at someone’s house, knew how much they needed it and say how much you wanted to see your grandchild?

It sounds from here like you've got quite a few expectations or wishes of how you'd like them to behave but you haven't actually communicated that to them. And it’s unfair to hold people to standards they don’t even know exist.

Tbqh from what you’ve said, your parents seem like fairly easy guests. I don’t expect my mum to do any mopping or laundry when she’s in my house and I don’t do any when I’m at hers. It sounds like they are good at occupying themselves and aren’t doing anything too annoying. If my parents acted like that in my house I would be fine with it.

But I do think you should ask directly for the things you want. For example, just straight up say: “do you think you could babysit DD one evening this week so me and DH can go out?” or “would you take DD to the park this afternoon while I’m doing the laundry?” or if they suggest going out for lunch for the 4th day in a row say “tbh it’s a bit boring for DD four days in a row, could we have a picnic in the park instead?” Then if they say no to all of that, then you have grounds to say they are being unreasonable, but not until then.

OK it sounds like they see you as a cheap holiday - they get free accommodation and 3 meals a day, and only have to pay for some takeaways and food.

For this holiday, tell them you and DH are going out tonight and ask them to take care of dd.

Once they get back home, call them and tell them that you are going to be visiting them next so please don't book any flights. Also tell them how hurt you are that they don't seem to want to spend any time with you.

And then when it's their turn to visit the year after, limit them to 5 days. 2 weeks of running around people who barely lift a finger is no fun for you! You and your dc getting very little from these visits.

My god op you're being very dramatic. You have 1 kid and you have to cook for 5 instead of 3 for 2 weeks. And you take them out once a day. It's hardly back breaking stuff!

Most people have that as their normal lol.

Get your DH to pull his weight. Look after your child whilst you go out and do his share of housework.

Your DD can go to bed earlier if she's tired from getting woken up early.

@Mamamia7962 Wanted them to be child carers for two weeks?! They’ve never watched her once..not even for a couple of hours, not properly offered. I don’t expect anything at all, I think with 3-4 visits per year of two weeks per time and seeing how tired and stressful times had been, it would be so lovely to offer, even just once, yes.

Have you actually said anything to them about any of this, though? Have you asked them if they could babysit?

I would fully expect guests to take themselves off out for the day if I'd told them I was planning to stay home and 'have a quiet day' ... most people on Mumsnet who have relatives staying get annoyed when the relatives don't go out on their own! Yes, they're coming to see you, but they're staying in your home and it's for a couple of weeks; you don't have to seeing each other every minute of every day.

It would obviously be nice if they offered to give you a hand with the cooking, but again, have you actually asked? And as they are paying for everything - food shopping, petrol, meals out, takeaways, and leaving you some money at the end of the trip - presumably they feel that's their contribution rather than pitching in with the housework.

You sound incredibly passive - you're talking about your father 'arranging' things and so on as if you're powerless. If my dad was staying with me and announcing that we had to go and pick him up from his walk and that he'd planned a schedule for the day, I'd tell him if that didn't suit me and I'd certainly tell him that he had to be quiet in the house at 6am if he was popping out for a walk for whatever.

Why shouldn't they have takeaways instead of cooking on holiday? It doesn't affect you. Same with going out where they like or napping, or watching the news. They're not actually causing any trouble.

If you don't want to be woken so early, just ask him to be quieter. It's really not a big deal.

@SillySausage81 If we even stop at the playground briefly on the way back from lunch, they tell her to hurry up and that we’re going!

They visit 3/4 times a year for 2 weeks? That's insane! You need to start saying no OP.

Or is it other family who come to visit?

You need to stop letting people use you like a hotel.

They’re completely different when Dh is at home at weekends, they’re quieter and don’t have a plan/expecting me to be up and taking them out places.

Visiting for 4 times per year with 2 weeks each visit, is way too much to expect visitor treatment each time.

Have a conversation with your DM as she seems more reasonable and explain that whilst it's nice to see them you need to focus on DD for some of their visits and could they also make a couple of meals per week going forward as you're finding it too hard to do everything, especially as DD has had reduced sleep.

And FGS don't waste your holiday time visiting them - go on a holiday.

I think this is the problem. They’re behaving rather like a husband who ‘provides everything’ but doesn’t share the day to day graft. I do think you missed be quite blunt and and ask on each issue, starting with DF being noisy. Then delegate tasks.

They're buying you lunch every day and they've paid for a couple of takeaways, though. I wouldn't really expect them to be cooking meals for me on top of that.

OP why are you so passive?! Just tell them you're not going out!!

So they think they're on holiday (which means doing their own thing a lot of the time so as not to disrupt their hosts' daily lives), but you think they should be there as household helpers and babysitters? And you expect them to intuit what you want and if they don't offer, you can't ask? While they contribute financially, more than most guests would? I don't think they're taking the piss. And how much cleaning and mopping are you doing in a two-week period anyway?

Ask your dad to be quieter in the mornings. If a small household task needs doing urgently, ask for help. If it doesn't need doing urgently, try letting it go, sitting down and actually enjoying your parents' company rather than prioritising chores. While I understand that some things need to be done, I get the impression that you're constantly sweeping and cleaning around them when all they want is to relax with you. And if you want them to babysit for a night, say so!

If my parents were staying with me they absolutely would muck in, my mam would never expect me to be running around after her - especially when I have kids to look after. It sounds like they didn't come to see you and spend time with you, but to use your home as a base for their holiday, and that's not what you thought you were getting. My mam lived abroad and has stayed with us but would always help out - she became an extra pair of hands and just got up and did things as they needed doing. The money wouldn't make that better, you want their time and their help.

I don't really have advice other than to just be up front and ask if they'd babysit and go out - maybe even for a full day. Stress that it would be lovely for them to spend the day with your DD and if you could get a break.

You are contradicting yourself a bit. You are complaining they go out on their own on a day you want to stay in as it means they aren't spending time with you, yet you want them to babysit so you and your DH can go out.

You need to grow a backbone.

@Meraas Yes, my parents, generally Easter, summer once, maybe twice and then end of October (maybe just one week for this, but wouldn’t be surprised if they book two this year)

Are you the poster that your df left a full wardrobe of clothes in the spare room that is now your daughters and he wanted to leave it as he thought of it as his room?