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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my own parents taking the piss out of me?

333 replies

Peppapigagainffs · 27/07/2022 09:55

Feeling really hurt and resentful.

Parents have come to stay with us for a couple of weeks, we live in a lovely, hot place abroad.
Df wakes v early and needs to be up and out doing things. He often decides in his own head what he wants to do and engineers it so we work around him.
I have a 4 year old Dd, who needs her sleep and has some tummy issues at the moment.
Df often gets up early and goes out for a walk and then arranges for us to go and pick him up/meet him briefly for coffee, as he’s bored by then as has had a coffee and wants to go.
If I say we’re having a quiet day in (has been once in almost two weeks) they get up and go out early themselves for a walk/don’t have breakfast with us etc.
I drive them somewhere nice every day and they often come back, nap or watch tv and then I make dinner for everyone. My mum occasionally washes up, dad doesn’t do anything. I Hoover and mop whilst they sit watching the news. They never offer to have Dd, have never babysat, we’ve not had a break for 4 years.
They pay for all food shopping, petrol and lunches when out. This I obviously appreciate as I can’t afford to live my normal life like I’m on holiday and wouldn’t drive everyday somewhere or have lunches out and eat as much as they do.
Just feel resentful of being woke up at 6 everyday by Df being loud and expected to work to his schedule and if I’m not planning to go out, they just go out, no sitting for breakfast or asking what we’re doing.
No one offers to cook, although they do pay for a couple of takeaways. Have a few days left and don’t want to be simmering with resentment and hurt and leave things on a bad note. When they leave they say a thanks for everything and mum often leaves a bit of money on my bedroom dressing table.
Aibu in feeling sort of used & hurt, would you?

OP posts:
Aworldofmyown · 27/07/2022 12:07

I would suggest you cut down visits to one week. Then also say that you will visit them twice for a week and they can visit you twice for a week. Tell them the current arrangement is too much for you.

antelopevalley · 27/07/2022 12:09

Aworldofmyown · 27/07/2022 12:07

I would suggest you cut down visits to one week. Then also say that you will visit them twice for a week and they can visit you twice for a week. Tell them the current arrangement is too much for you.

I think if you visit them too that is fine. But maybe OP finds travelling a long way with a young child too much and so does not visit at all?

Meraas · 27/07/2022 12:11

antelopevalley · 27/07/2022 12:09

I think if you visit them too that is fine. But maybe OP finds travelling a long way with a young child too much and so does not visit at all?

Show quote history

But OP has said he wants to visit them. It’s just the parents book their tickets before she has a chance to book hers.

NoMoreAgeJokes · 27/07/2022 12:14

Flossiemoss · 27/07/2022 11:59

They are absolutely taking the piss. They are treating you like an all inclusive holiday with chauffeur service.

op id be cutting down those visits to twice a year max.

I agree with this.
As a drastic measure, move to somewhere less desirable and see whether they still come to see you for 4x2 weeks a year

DSGR · 27/07/2022 12:21

Of course they’re not taking the piss. And there is nothing wrong with them going out if you just want to stay home all day. What’s the issue?
they are also paying for loads and getting takeaways. They don’t sound very demanding.
as for DF getting up, that doesn’t sound too bad either. Put your dd to bed earlier if they need more sleep?
you sound a bit over melodramatic regarding normal family things if I’m honest

MargotChateau · 27/07/2022 12:21

I’m from abroad living near London so I get a lot of international visitors staying (including my parents). I’ve had a lot of CF, including my own family.

Initially I was on the parents side but reading @Peppapigagainffs later comments that her parents are there for a total of 2 months over 12 months a year, they are being CF if they are staying 56/60 days a year, to be there long enough to be part of the household and cause OP more work. The money is neither here nor there, they are getting a GREAT deal compared to paying for holiday accommodation. They don’t sound like they are really there to spend time with OP and their GC because they try cut short GC time at the playground etc to do things that they want, which is off.

I think you need to sit down and say it’s not working anymore. Dad needs to be quiet in the mornings for a start, and they need to cook meals and help with household chores. It’s not exactly going to take much out of their day and will take the burden off you. I don’t think you can ask for childcare sadly, they don’t want to provide it clearly, and you can’t expect a house guest to do it. But they absolutely need to pull their own weight.

If they want a proper holiday, and don’t like this plan then they need to get their own accommodation. Or perhaps split the visit into one week in accommodation and one week with you.

But you can’t go on like this, you’l become more and more resentful (understandably).

Future posters need to read ops full posts/comments before making their own as the later comments give a better picture of ops situation .

liliainterfrutices · 27/07/2022 12:22

I think overall they sound like nice guests. I think paying for meals out and takeaways equates to cooking. You're still providing the food for everyone for the evening. I wouldn't like the 6 am noise though.

ThePumpkinPatch · 27/07/2022 12:24

Peppapigagainffs · 27/07/2022 10:06

@Heronwatcher I just feel it’s the never asking/assuming that Dd would like to do her usual things that make her happy too-playground, soft play etc and that she doesn’t like going to sit properly for long and eat lunch out everyday. Also the fact they say it’s to come and see us but if I said we weren’t going out for a few days, they’d just bugger off out. The never offering to take the strain off me of making dinner for two weeks and maybe pitching in and making something/taking it in turns, or helping out a little with things in the house-washing off line or offering for us to go out for a night (we’ve never done this) so they could spend time with their granddaughter

I agree with you for the most part but if you were on holiday, would you want to spend a few days sat around inside? I personally hate staying in. I feel the need to get out at least briefly, every day. I'd certainly not waste a day of holiday just hanging around.
It sounds like you're annoyed about having them to stay at all? I don't mean to patronise you here but having your parents visit for a week is obviously going to mean that you can't stick to your usual routine. Soft play etc!

justasking111 · 27/07/2022 12:25

Tell them to hire a car.

If they're booking tickets without your permission just say NO. Those dates aren't convenient for us.

Pull up your big girl pants start saying no before they even book the flight

Dixiechickonhols · 27/07/2022 12:26

It just needs a bit more communication.
If you want them to babysit ask outright.
I don’t see the issue with them going out alone if you say you are having a quiet day - they are leaving you in peace all day. Presumably they don’t have breakfast with you as they want to be off early and maybe eat breakfast out.
Ask dad to be quieter in morning.
I’d definitely be more assertive if it won’t work for you or dd say eg I’ll pick you up at x time or I’m going to x with dd tomorrow why don’t you go sightseeing.
Cooking you or DH would be doing it anyway so I’d just cook as normal. Accept them paying for takeaways a few times.

Phobiaphobic · 27/07/2022 12:26

Huge hugs, OP. I can entirely sympathise. To be honest, your parents sounds selfish and manipulative, and I sense the pain of this for you runs deep. I don't blame you at all for your feelings of frustration and resentment, they are using you as a resource, not engaging with you on an equal footing.

My advice would be to grin and bear it until they leave. And then I would write a letter or email explaining why you feel hurt and put upon. Yes, there will be some fall out and drama, but it's better that you advocate for yourself and they are given the chance to reflect on it than to allow this situation to continue unchallenged.

Thinkingblonde · 27/07/2022 12:27

Ask them to check with you before booking tickets from now on, in fact tell them to, don’t ask. If they say no you say OK it’s Invitation only from now on. And on your terms.
If you don’t think you’re that brave say a friend had asked to come over and you’d hate for them to come over and have no where to stay.
Your parents don’t see you as grown up with autonomy of your own, they still think they are in charge and treat your home as an extension of theirs.
The thought of visits four times a year whenever they please, where they treat your home as a free hotel is too much in my opinion.
Ask them to clear the table, wash up, make a cuppa, Give them a card for a taxi service, the bus /train time table or a car hire firm.

Changes17 · 27/07/2022 12:28

My parents - and in-laws - always think they're on holiday rather than visiting family when they come to see us so I get where you're coming from.

It's tends to be such a short time - a long weekend or so - though that I don't bother to say anything. I can see if they think you're a holiday destination that would be annoying. Would it help to manage expectations ahead of them arriving next time?

Phobiaphobic · 27/07/2022 12:28

ThePumpkinPatch · 27/07/2022 12:24

I agree with you for the most part but if you were on holiday, would you want to spend a few days sat around inside? I personally hate staying in. I feel the need to get out at least briefly, every day. I'd certainly not waste a day of holiday just hanging around.
It sounds like you're annoyed about having them to stay at all? I don't mean to patronise you here but having your parents visit for a week is obviously going to mean that you can't stick to your usual routine. Soft play etc!

Show quote history

OP is not a resource or a hotel. If you go for a holiday in someone's home, then you have to appreciate that your presence is in many ways an imposition/burden, and make sure you're doing plenty to offset that. This does not appear to be happening.

user1471538283 · 27/07/2022 12:30

My DM was like this. She would come and stay on the pretense to spend time with my DS and never did, not once. She did nothing the whole visit. Either sat and waited for things to appear or she would want to go out and do what she wanted to do. She just made work. If I had to go to work, my DS went to kindergarten and she sat around or went around the shops by herself. I then had to make dinner and do all the housework whilst she sat there.

I finally snapped when she managed to buy herself something expensive but then didn't get my DS a candy bar. And she got drunk at lunch and then went to bed so she didn't even watch TV with him.

Thatboymum · 27/07/2022 12:30

They obviously see this as a holiday and are behaving as they would on a holiday and I don’t think they are being unreasonable at all in this. The weather culture etc is something that’s normal to you but maybe they are just trying to enjoy it and make the most of it. They also aren’t obliged to babysit just because you housed them yes it would have been nice of them but they must not want to and you should respect that. Maybe next visit insist they stay in a hotel and that way there is no expectations of anybody

DoItAfraid · 27/07/2022 12:30

RobertsRadio · 27/07/2022 10:16

I don't think this sounds too bad, apart from your DF waking everyone up. They pay for food and petrol so that you aren't out of pocket, they pay for meals out and thank you at the end of the holiday. With only a few days to go before they go home, I wouldn't say anything that would cause ructions now.

The time to set boundaries and your expectations will be at the beginning of their next visit. Then you can state calmly that your Dad should be quiet in the mornings, that you expect them to share the cooking or meal prep or pay for more takeaway meals if they don't want to cook.

Agree with all of this.

FarFarFarAndAway · 27/07/2022 12:38

I think it sounds awful waking up to a crashing banging man huffing at everyone at 6am and then having to keep going all day and entertain them for 2 months a year! I wouldn't have them stay in my home, I'd have them in a hotel (which we would be happy to pay for) and then meet them for outings, lunch, evening meal. I just wouldn't live like this for two weeks at a time. The lack of help would get me down, but I am used to everyone pitching in in our household, my mum would help me loads with the kids and that's why they adore her, and vice versa. I wouldn't expect people to do stuff on a one day visit, but two weeks of sitting about whilst you run the entire household and drive them about, nope, sounds awful to me, awful in that if I were the parent in that situation, I'd feel awful because I'd see how tired my dd was and want to spend time in the park with my granddaughter or helping cook or chatting over the washing up.

Hotel next time, that'll cut down the visit to about 5 days which I would prefer to being woken up at 6am for no good reason by an impatient man.

Cotton55 · 27/07/2022 12:40

I really think you're over reacting and being very precious and overly sensitive. They're here for 2 weeks. You say you're annoyed they don't seem to want to spend time with you and your dd but you also said they take you out for lunch all the time! Surely that's spending time with both of you?! Plus it means you don't need to think about preparing lunch those days. They pay for all meals out, petrol, food shopping, take away a couple of times a week and your mam often leaves you money when they're leaving??! Most people would be delighted to have house guests like that!! You have 1 dd to look after, not 5. While they're visiting, alter her bedtime slightly so she goes to bed a bit earlier each night. And get more assertive. Just tell your dad to keep it down in the mornings. If he tells you his plan from the day, be a grown up and tell him if it doesn't suit you. Why are you expecting them to read your mind?! Say something like "tomorrow I'm bringing dd to the playground/park for about an hour. Will you guys come too?" " thanks for the offer but we're going to skip lunch tomorrow as I find it stressful keeping dd occupied/ quiet for that length of time" "we haven't had a night out in 4 years, will you guys babysit on Wednesday please?" You're a grown woman, just ask! Also, it's hardly their fault you haven't organised a babysitter in 4 years.

They're going in a few days. Don't sour the holiday moaning to them at this stage. Work on your assertiveness and plan how to handle their next visit better.

FarFarFarAndAway · 27/07/2022 12:41

I mean who wouldn't like being on holiday in a sunny lovely place for 2 months of the year waited on hand and foot with a free taxi service built in and not having to pay for anything! Not ok from close family, OP, no idea why others thing this is reasonable. One two week holiday, ok, possibly although annoying. Repeated holidays of this is not ok whatsoever.

TrashPandas · 27/07/2022 12:43

However, I think your posts are very confused and full of mixed messages.

This. It feels like you're angry with your parents but don't quite know why, so you're flip-flopping around looking for different things to blame them for (angry they expect you to take them out but also angry they go out themselves... they for all food for two weeks and saving you cooking via lunches out and takeaways but you're angry that they don't cook...)

Is the problem really that you want a break from your life and it's easy to look at your parents and say they should give it to you? Or do you really just not want them to stay so often, even if they're model houseguests?

antelopevalley · 27/07/2022 12:43

FarFarFarAndAway · 27/07/2022 12:41

I mean who wouldn't like being on holiday in a sunny lovely place for 2 months of the year waited on hand and foot with a free taxi service built in and not having to pay for anything! Not ok from close family, OP, no idea why others thing this is reasonable. One two week holiday, ok, possibly although annoying. Repeated holidays of this is not ok whatsoever.

Totally unfair.
And do your parents not make you and your family meals if you stay with them?

museumum · 27/07/2022 12:44

I think you need a LOT more communication and to stand up for yourself more in the small moments.
e.g. “mum, dd can stay and play a bit longer we’ve just got here. You and dad go get yourselves a coffee and we’ll meet you in half an hour”

“we are going to stay home tomorrow it would be nice if you stayed for breakfast with us first if you’re going out? If you really want to go out early please be quiet. Maybe bring us back some fresh bread?”

“would you be able to watch dd Friday night so dh and I can go out for dinner? We’ve not been out in four years.”

forrestgreen · 27/07/2022 12:45

Are you the poster who's dad leaves clothes in dd's wardrobe, and expects dd to be evicted from their room when over, who's parents don't ask just book etc.

If so, nothing has changed. Tell them you and dh are off out tonight dd is so looking forward to them babysitting.

Or read your other threads?!

luxxlisbon · 27/07/2022 12:46

@FarFarFarAndAway I mean who wouldn't like being on holiday in a sunny lovely place for 2 months of the year waited on hand and foot with a free taxi service built in and not having to pay for anything! Not ok from close family, OP, no idea why others thing this is reasonable

Except they do pay for almost everything during their stay? They pay for the food shop, leave OP money for petrol, take her and her DD out for lunch, buy takeaways for the family for dinner.