How the hell do I manage this behaviour?

[Workyticket]

We (me, dh and ds 10) are currently on holiday in a fab hotel but I'm on edge and so upset tonight

Ds is the absolute apple of my eye, I adore him and throw praise and attention at him. He's generally loving and polite but he's developed this horrible snipey streak towards me and it's uncharacteristically getting me down

He must have criticised / sniped at me literally dozens of times today and yesterday
-mam can't sing, there's literally nobody worse
-you can't throw the ball straight / you're literally rubbish / you're the worst thrower / you can't even catch (in the pool)
-mam is the worst dancer / everyone is a better dancer than mam
-mam chose the worst sun beds / put the towels on wrong

It sounds ridiculous - and I feel childish for being upset but it feels constant

I've sat him down and told him it's hurtful, given him time out, taken his tech. He apologies, acts sorry, tells me he loves me then literally the next thing out of his mouth is negative towards me

I'm a teacher - known for not going a pushover and for having a handle on discipline. Ds is usually a good lad. He's always erred on the negative side whixh we're trying to steer him away from but it's another level this week

Not sure why I'm posting but dh is having a cool bath and ds is snoring in the bed next to mine looking angelic and I'm feeling emotional

Please help me rescue the holiday and my relationship with ds

[phishy]

@Workyticket

Fucking hell - he's been sniping for 2 days on holiday and you're saying a 10 year old is on track to be come an absolute twat?

I'm obviously trying to nip it in the bud - hence asking for support

I think the point is the mother of the 22yo was over-compensating for a shit childhood herself and now regretted letting her son get away with so much, as he turned into a shit too.

[Brefugee]

There's a difference between rewarding bad behaviour (which the buying treats at the shop would be) and rewarding good behaviour (which would be stopping playing with him for being mean/rude - and telling him that - and then when he says sorry and behaves nicely playing with him again)

but OP you are making a rod for your own back if your entire identity and raison d'etre is your son. Do things for you that please you. Do things with your DH that are for the two of you, and of course one-on-one with son and family time, but don't let yourself be subsumed into the mum thing. You have a few more years before he is grown and the whole thing is a mess if you have no other life.

[2bazookas]

"OK, DS, seems you'd rather be with anyone else so I'm off for some time to myself. I shall enjoy the sights and museums or lunch with no mean boy in tow. Over to you, DH; you're in charge. BYEEE".

"You want icecream? Sorry, I spent all my money on a lipstick. "

[SleepingAgent]

@LondonWolf

My children are told firmly not to speak to me like that. It is made very clear that that kind of sneery spite will result very quickly in the nice things I do for them being withdrawn and they know I mean it. I don't ignore it or brush it off,

Yes. He needs to understand this is not an acceptable way to speak to you!

[SleepingAgent]

@HollowTalk

I think that you and your husband should sit him down in the morning and you should say "I was really looking forward to this holiday. I wanted to spend time with you and to play with you. But you have completely spoilt the last few days for me. (Give him examples, very specific ones and don't let him interrupt.) Now if you don't want me to play with you if that's fine because I'll read my book, but if you do want me to play with you then you have to be polite and treat me a lot better than you have done the last few days. It's your choice." I think you should stand up stand and walk off to do something else. He'll be left with his dad so if he wants to complain he can do it then.

It's important that you confront it together, two against one, telling him that his behaviour is completely unacceptable. Hopefully he'll be okay for the rest of the holiday.

Good advice

[Workyticket]

We've had a much, much better day - thanks to everyone who has posted useful.and positive advice

He had one snipe ("you're not the best at that" when I was straightening the towel on my lounger and it slipped back off)

I shifted him from the one dh had put a nice straight towel on and let him sort mine for himself. He apologised after sulking for 2 minutes


To whoever sniped about me putting towels out for the menfolk- I'm an early riser, it seems daft not to nip down and grab a coffee by the lovely quiet pool and grab loungers in a place I like to sit!?

I've had a couple of hours to myself reading, I nipped off for a different lunch to them etc but still spent a good 3.5 hours hoying balls and diving for sinkies in the pool. I enjoy it so would be punishing myself if I didn't.

Fingers crossed for a nice evening. Ds has asked if we can play cards and I've said of course - but that he'll be shuffling and dealing all evening because of the way he sneered at me yesterday about it

[HellonHeels]

Well done OP. You're standing up for yourself!

[HanarCantWearSweaters]

Hope cards go well, OP. Sounds like you’re setting clear expectations. When doing so I would look to make sure the reasons I’m giving are centred on his effects on me, aren’t going to get his back up etc.
eg DS you’ll be shuffling and dealing tonight because you were rude last night — to a 10 yr old can sound like a vague punishment
DS you’ll be shuffling and dealing tonight because I’m worried you’ll be rude to me again tonight if I do it — your actions are having this direct consequence

Sometimes they just need it really spelling out to them and over simplifying, like you would with a much younger child, but at this age it’s more about making those connections clear in a brain that tends to be a little more self centred and less empathetic. We know that you can’t just be a dick to people, and telling another adult that tends to be understood, but 10 year olds can be a bit lacking in that department.

[coodawoodashooda]

@Workyticket

We've had a much, much better day - thanks to everyone who has posted useful.and positive advice

He had one snipe ("you're not the best at that" when I was straightening the towel on my lounger and it slipped back off)

I shifted him from the one dh had put a nice straight towel on and let him sort mine for himself. He apologised after sulking for 2 minutes


To whoever sniped about me putting towels out for the menfolk- I'm an early riser, it seems daft not to nip down and grab a coffee by the lovely quiet pool and grab loungers in a place I like to sit!?

I've had a couple of hours to myself reading, I nipped off for a different lunch to them etc but still spent a good 3.5 hours hoying balls and diving for sinkies in the pool. I enjoy it so would be punishing myself if I didn't.

Fingers crossed for a nice evening. Ds has asked if we can play cards and I've said of course - but that he'll be shuffling and dealing all evening because of the way he sneered at me yesterday about it

Yay op. Its tough but really important. My kids have been really cheeky to me lately. Don't be hard on yourself.

[acuteanxiety]

How's it been today so far op xx

[acuteanxiety]

@Workyticket

We've had a much, much better day - thanks to everyone who has posted useful.and positive advice

He had one snipe ("you're not the best at that" when I was straightening the towel on my lounger and it slipped back off)

I shifted him from the one dh had put a nice straight towel on and let him sort mine for himself. He apologised after sulking for 2 minutes


To whoever sniped about me putting towels out for the menfolk- I'm an early riser, it seems daft not to nip down and grab a coffee by the lovely quiet pool and grab loungers in a place I like to sit!?

I've had a couple of hours to myself reading, I nipped off for a different lunch to them etc but still spent a good 3.5 hours hoying balls and diving for sinkies in the pool. I enjoy it so would be punishing myself if I didn't.

Fingers crossed for a nice evening. Ds has asked if we can play cards and I've said of course - but that he'll be shuffling and dealing all evening because of the way he sneered at me yesterday about it

You honestly sound like a brilliant mum

I'm really sorry your feelings have been hurt

You bounced back really quick and it's admirable

All the loves and enjoy cards tonight. Looks like you'll have a hand free to enjoy a cocktail with too, since your son is on dealer duty 🤣

[Mally100]

@phishy

I think the point is the mother of the 22yo was over-compensating for a shit childhood herself and now regretted letting her son get away with so much, as he turned into a shit too.

Yes and the op sounds exactly like the other mother.b

[Thatsenoughnow]

To whoever sniped about me putting towels out for the menfolk- I'm an early riser, it seems daft not to nip down and grab a coffee by the lovely quiet pool and grab loungers in a place I like to sit

Blimey that wasn't a snipe - it was a question on if your son watches you do nothing but run around for him and his dad the whole time and never put yourself first. Because it sure sounds like it, and if he gets to thinking you're super focused on him the whole time and only there to make him happy, he won't see you as a separate person with feelings of your own.

Honestly if you think that was a snipe, are you sure you aren't just oversensitive sometimes?!

[EarringsandLipstick]

@Workyticket

Great update! So pleased it went much better, well done for figuring out a plan. He's probably less tired today too which most likely has helped.

[forrestgreen]

A brilliant approach

[mathanxiety]

Yes - I played in the pool for 4 hours in and off, plenty other parents were doing the same. I don't think it's about my self respect. I enjoy playing catch / with a bat and ball etc, it's part of the holiday

I think you need to ease off it all the same.

You're not a kid. You're not at a ten year old's level. You are teaching him that there are people in this world who are happy to play ball with him for three or four hours at a time. He would have a hard time finding another ten year old who would do that with him. Don't give him the impression that it is ok to expect this sort of engagement from other people.

Make DH take turns playing with DS. You both need to step back a bit.
Let DS have time - and your blessing - to find kids his age to play with.

Show DS that you are an adult who likes doing things on her own, and even more importantly, show DS that you have confidence in his ability to forge relationships with other people.

The amount of time you spend doing what DS finds entertaining isn't healthy in the long run or the short run, and it will lead to sadness on your part that will be all the greater when he turns snippy.

[TooHotToTangoToo]

Glad you had a better day op.

Ignore the sniping, my dh is an early riser and he's always do this, then sit with a coffee and catch on on the previous days news, he'd say it was 'his time' and loved it.

[Limecoconutice]

@mathanxiety

This requires punishment doled out by your DH.

DH needs to inform DS in no uncertain terms that disrespectful speech directed at you will result in immediate consequences for DS and he needs to follow through. Maybe a verbal bollocking would do the trick.

When you get home, DH needs to work at chores around the house with DS, with the goal of DS taking on chores by himself. Children who are rude and disrespectful toward their mother usually look down their noses at women's work in the home. They also tend to have low self esteem. You can tackle both problems by having DS learn to carry his weight at home.

DH needs to make a point of praising you, praising your cooking, care of the home, your appearance, your work outside the home, etc.

•Mathanxiety* can I clarify please - do you mean the child has low self esteem - or the mother?

[SurfBox]

Maybe throw praise and attention at him when he behaves well and walk away when he's being rude

they tell teachers this technique will solve all bad behaviour in UK, it never works.

[SurfBox]

Stop lavishing praise on him for a start and tell him sharply to shut it when he criticises you.
Stop spoiling him

this, i find the behaviour advice on mn and in schools generally laughable at times. Kids need to be put in their place and the softie softie approach is bollox.

[IncompleteSenten]

Kind of see how 'treat em mean keep em keen' starts really.

Treating you like shit should never be responded to by trying to be really nice and loving.

[Workyticket]

This thread really shows the differences in parenting approaches- it's really interesting

Last night was lovely. Ds made a pal during the day and we sat with him and his family to watch the entertainment.

We had a couple of games of cards just us after and ds was fine 🙂

We're here for 3 weeks - we decide between us what we fancy doing (pool / beach / trip out) and so far the pool has won every day.

It's a food few hours so play in the pool / wander / lunch/ read / slides etc. I like playing in the pool - ds played with 3 boys yesterday and I ended up playing bat and ball with one of their sisters for a while.

Loads of kids and parents play in the pool - I'm stumped by those who don't but it really is each to their own on holiday.

[Bednobsbroomsticks]

I was always horrible to my parents on holidays. 24 hours a day with them, no mates, couldn't stand it lol.
He needs to be reminded he's not the sole reason for your existence and that if he is rude to you you don't engage. I spent too many years fawning over my kids then realised sometimes they are better off just left to it and if they are rude to me they don't then get the pleasantries of all the other stuff they want

[Softplayhooray]

If I hear anything negative, I just say 'ok pack up, we're off home', or I just go sit down and take myself out of the activity. He knows I'm not messing around.

If my son independently comes and says sorry after I do that (which he always does), I say thanks for that, ask him why he thinks I'm upset, we have a cuddle and back to activity. Works for us, might be worth a try!

What about a house rules chart, too? We have being kind & positive as one rule. Sometimes it's easier to just recall that rule as a point breaker/gainer and that can work quickly to get things back on track.

Could it also be that he's hearing or seeing the start of some toxic masculinity/ misogyny online or from friends at school and it's coming out this way? Maybe not but worth a thought, in which case more verbal support from your DH reinforcing his respect and care for you might help.

[Darbs76]

I’d stop playing with him immediately if he’s being so rude. Continue to be consistent with telling him it’s not acceptable. I am fairly relaxed but I was strict on this. Mine are teens now but wouldn’t be critical