How the hell do I manage this behaviour?

[Workyticket]

We (me, dh and ds 10) are currently on holiday in a fab hotel but I'm on edge and so upset tonight

Ds is the absolute apple of my eye, I adore him and throw praise and attention at him. He's generally loving and polite but he's developed this horrible snipey streak towards me and it's uncharacteristically getting me down

He must have criticised / sniped at me literally dozens of times today and yesterday
-mam can't sing, there's literally nobody worse
-you can't throw the ball straight / you're literally rubbish / you're the worst thrower / you can't even catch (in the pool)
-mam is the worst dancer / everyone is a better dancer than mam
-mam chose the worst sun beds / put the towels on wrong

It sounds ridiculous - and I feel childish for being upset but it feels constant

I've sat him down and told him it's hurtful, given him time out, taken his tech. He apologies, acts sorry, tells me he loves me then literally the next thing out of his mouth is negative towards me

I'm a teacher - known for not going a pushover and for having a handle on discipline. Ds is usually a good lad. He's always erred on the negative side whixh we're trying to steer him away from but it's another level this week

Not sure why I'm posting but dh is having a cool bath and ds is snoring in the bed next to mine looking angelic and I'm feeling emotional

Please help me rescue the holiday and my relationship with ds

[EarringsandLipstick]

@djdkdkddkek

You’re being bullied by your own kid and you carry on playing with him and tell him you love him? No wonder he takes you for a mug tbh.

Did you read OP's posts at all?

I've sat him down and told him it's hurtful, given him time out, taken his tech.

He's had an early night tonight after his final comment of 'you're a rubbish card dealer' 5 minutes after dh spoke to him about his sniping pushed me over the edge

He's a usually lovely boy who is behaving badly on holidays. OP has tried to address it.

He's not 'bullying' her & she's not accepting it.

[Workyticket]

@djdkdkddkek

You’re being bullied by your own kid and you carry on playing with him and tell him you love him? No wonder he takes you for a mug tbh.

Did writing this knowing it would hurt my feelings make you feel good?

[notanothertakeaway]

@mathanxiety

Using chores as a punishment is misguided.

Chores are part and parcel of family life and should be done by everyone aged 8 and over. They are part of training your child to be an independent and responsible teen and adult. Associating chores with punishment will not achieve that end. They will just put his back up.

Chores taught and supervised and modeled by dad as well as mum teach a sneery, rude boy who picks on his mum and not his dad that men and women have an equal responsibility toward the family and the home they share. They teach boys that housework is a skill and a commitment worthy of respect.

Chores accomplished successfully and consistently teach a pre teen that mum and dad have expectations that need to be fulfilled. This teaches implicitly that mum and dad are in charge and that DCs must contribute to family life - they are not there to be waited on.

They develop the young person's sense of being a valued family member, which is far more valuable than positivity and praise just for being themsemves, with the accompanying idea that the sun shines forth from their rear end. A sense of competence and knowing that they can contribute something real and good in their own home is a huge confidence booster as a child moves into the teen years. Self discipline cannot be bought and it will never emerge from a constant diet of praise that is not earned.

His dad should model compliments toward the OP. He should require an apology from DS for snippy and sneery language and put downs dorected at his wife - the DS is challenging everyone here, not just the OP. As soon as he is tall enough and gets enough testosterone coursing through his veins his father will find himself dealing with the same dysfunctional communication strategy only with much more resistance to apologising and stopping.

I agree with most of this 100%

Apart from the final paragraph. If OP relies on her DH to instil respect from her DS, I do not think this will encourage DS to respect her

[Workyticket]

@EarringsandLipstick

Did you read OP's posts at all?

I've sat him down and told him it's hurtful, given him time out, taken his tech.

He's had an early night tonight after his final comment of 'you're a rubbish card dealer' 5 minutes after dh spoke to him about his sniping pushed me over the edge

He's a usually lovely boy who is behaving badly on holidays. OP has tried to address it.

He's not 'bullying' her & she's not accepting it.

Thank you 😊

[notanothertakeaway]

My approach is that actions have consequences eg " I'm doing my best, but if you think I can't throw a ball, shall we stop this and do something else?"

Time out / removing tech aren't effective punishments

[Workyticket]

I've had a couple of hours out this morning so not seen ds or dh yet.

I sneaked down earlier to the pool and had a walk and some time reading. When I got back they'd gone for breakfast

I'm just about to go and find them now 🌞

Drip feed I guess but I've recently gone low contact with my mum because of her negative comments towards me / me not being good enough so I'm definitely sensitive to it

I'm also way stronger for it though and absolutely won't allow ds to put people (mainly me) down

[rookiemere]

@SuperCamp

I watched a couple of Ds’s friends develop this behaviour towards their Mums.

And interestingly it was the ones who were most….‘mummy’s boy’.. I mean that in an un-derogatory way… the ones least happy being away from home and Mum, the ones who seemed closest to their Mums, very lovely sensitive boys. With lovely Mims who were / are my friends.

In the end I wondered if the emergence of puberty / adolescence was giving them a great conflict and they were getting feelings of independence or a perception of maleness where they realised they couldn’t always rely so heavily on their Mums that they couldn’t cope with so sort of blamed their Mums for being the person they couldn’t bear to separate from. IYSWIM.

Anyway, they have grown up to be lovely young adults who are still close to their Mums.

Don’t take it too personally.

Yes, I think that's what's happening here.
With us it was DH who got the brunt of it, because he was the one who'd do the adventure activities and so forth with DS.

It's part of growing up and becoming their own person and can be particularly noticeable if you've been really close.

However he needs to learn acceptable behaviour, so if he says that you're a rubbish ball thrower, then I'd stop playing and say "Gosh that's a rude thing to say, I'm going to stop playing for a bit" etc. etc.
He needs to learn that he can become his own person, but he mustn't do that at your expense.

[florianfortescue]

I hope it's better today OP. My DH would come down on our DC like a ton of bricks if they spoke to me like this. I hope yours is backing you up all the way. Time for him to be bad cop!

[djdkdkddkek]

Fair enough! good luck

[rookiemere]

Oh and also with my friends and their DSs and from observing DS, they tend to all have a couple of annoying years, so getting it out of the way now means you might have a relatively easy ride when he is a teenager.

[Hopeandlove]

I’m a single parent and mine is 8. He ruins most family time at the moment with being rude. I give one warning and then you are ‘out’ - time out. Ten minutes on his own each and every time. I do find sometimes when he comes back and still does it - I normally make the time out his bed. Then when I go in he’s fast asleep - that pretty says it all.

With a partner - you need a joint approach. If he is rude to you - either of you -One warning and then he has time out. Time out is sit and think time. Think about your words. They can do much harm.

[Snog]

Maybe he is trying out this behaviour to learn from you how to deal with it when it is levelled at him.
In which case maybe consider modelling the response you would like him to make when he is on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour.
Or maybe you can say in a neutral and interested tone "I'm surprised that you chose to try and put me down/mock me here DS. What are you trying to achieve with this style of communication?"

[Snog]

It's good that you realise you are being triggered due to your relationship with your own mother. We are all triggered in this way at times by our children.
It is causing a higher intensity of reaction from you than it warrants due to your own traumatic experience so that's probably why it feels so hurtful and so much of a big deal. Not to say that the behaviour is acceptable, or to minimise your feelings, just to be aware as you already are that your reaction is not all about DS.

[Madamecastafiore]

Please don't brush this off as trying out banter, banter is a word people use to cover for rude comments which they shouldn't be making.

When he's rude to you you need to take direct immediate action. Put down what you're doing and walk away.

When he asks why tell him you don't want to invest your time in an activity where the other person is being rude and hurting your feelings.

[Spanielsarepainless]

There was a thread over the weekend about a 22 year old behaving like this towards his mother. I would nip this in the bud now!

[Quia]

Are you sitting around the pool all day? It might be an idea to go out and do something more active, as it sounds as if there's an element of him being bored.

[Goldencarp]

@LondonWolf

My children are told firmly not to speak to me like that. It is made very clear that that kind of sneery spite will result very quickly in the nice things I do for them being withdrawn and they know I mean it. I don't ignore it or brush it off,

This!

i couldn’t deal with that or tip toe around it or have little chats about it. They’re both young teenagers and would never speak to me like that.

[ItsDangerousInKingsmarkham]

To be honest I remember going through this phase as a child. Like a pp said, it was partly about detaching from my parents, and partly about trying on the persona of being nasty/hurtful in a way that was safe. Thankfully I ditched that persona pretty quickly, but children do often say mean things without being able to foresee the result.

When the consequence is presented to them (ie the ball goes away, or there are no sun loungers etc) they learn that nastiness isn't the best way forward. Telling a child not to be unkind is great but showing them what happens when they're unkind is really the only way they'll learn. At least for me.

[cantley]

I agree with others that it's a pre teen boy pulling away from Mum thing, especially if you've been extremely close.
At this age they're looking to their fathers more. I'd take a step back and encourage father and son activities more and not try to constantly organise activities if he's being negative all the time. Speak to his father and remind him to correct the rudeness. Do your own thing, book, walks, whatever and don't expect your son to want to be with you every minute.
My son ( who was a total mummy's boy) went through this, minus the rudeness - dropped me like a hot potato and wanted to do everything just with his father. Eventually he calmed down and now we all do things together, or pair off and it's more balanced again.

[SwedishDeathCleaner]

It definitely sounds to me like he is beginning the detachment phase that can come with being a teenager, as a previous poster has said this can be a very tough time particularly when a mum has had a very close relationship with their son - the pulling away can be a lot more extreme.

I would recommend you buy the book 'Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town' - it has great advice on teenage boys and definitely worth a read well in advance!

[IncompleteSenten]

If it was me, when he made a rude comment, I'd stop what I was doing, say really? Well, let's end this now then.

And leave the activity and go get a drink or something.

Can't throw a ball straight?
Oh, fair enough. Can't be much fun. Here's your ball.

Rubbish card dealer? Well, best leave you to it.

Calm, matter of fact, not in a flouncing way. Just a ok well, you're clearly not enjoying this so we will end it now.

You need to, well, retrain him I suppose. Nasty comments = immediate end of the activity.

[user1471447924]

@ozymandiusking

May be a slap on the legs might concemtrate the mind.

You’re not wrong.

[Mally100]

@Spanielsarepainless

There was a thread over the weekend about a 22 year old behaving like this towards his mother. I would nip this in the bud now!

I was going to say this as well. That man turned out to be an absolute twat and op son seems to be going to the same route. In fact the op and the one from the other thread sound of similar making. This 10yo is starting spiteful, sneery and selfish behavior towards the op. It shouldn't be brushed off as transitioning to teenage behavior - what nonsense !

[junebirthdaygirl]

I remember in counselling l brought up something my dd had said to me that went right to my heart and immediately the counsellor said" who else has commented in a mean way on your clothes when you were young" and it brought up lots of things about my dm. As you are dealing with mother stuff at the moment you have exposed a wound that was probably covered up for years. Now it's like your ds hits you right on that wound and the pain is far worse than normal.
I would pick one sentence to say to him each time and then play on. In your best teacher voice say" Be kind to your mom" or something like that.
I hope you are having counselling for your mother stuff as it is a big issue to deal with . And heading into teen years you will need to be healed so you are not knocked off your feet too often.

[Cheeptweet]

Good luck today OP!