How the hell do I manage this behaviour?

[Workyticket]

We (me, dh and ds 10) are currently on holiday in a fab hotel but I'm on edge and so upset tonight

Ds is the absolute apple of my eye, I adore him and throw praise and attention at him. He's generally loving and polite but he's developed this horrible snipey streak towards me and it's uncharacteristically getting me down

He must have criticised / sniped at me literally dozens of times today and yesterday
-mam can't sing, there's literally nobody worse
-you can't throw the ball straight / you're literally rubbish / you're the worst thrower / you can't even catch (in the pool)
-mam is the worst dancer / everyone is a better dancer than mam
-mam chose the worst sun beds / put the towels on wrong

It sounds ridiculous - and I feel childish for being upset but it feels constant

I've sat him down and told him it's hurtful, given him time out, taken his tech. He apologies, acts sorry, tells me he loves me then literally the next thing out of his mouth is negative towards me

I'm a teacher - known for not going a pushover and for having a handle on discipline. Ds is usually a good lad. He's always erred on the negative side whixh we're trying to steer him away from but it's another level this week

Not sure why I'm posting but dh is having a cool bath and ds is snoring in the bed next to mine looking angelic and I'm feeling emotional

Please help me rescue the holiday and my relationship with ds

Just had a chat with dh. We're going to spend 2m being nice, kind, appreciative and Complimentary of each other (and ds when he warrants it)

Are you absolutely sure he isn’t being bullied at school? Several of those things sound like things other children might have said to him which he is now parroting

This is really useful, thank you

Almost certain

His pals are round ours a lot, his xbox is in the kitchen so we hear everything he says, he legs it into school every morning

No way would I have kept on throwing the ball if those nasty comments were made. I'd have been straight out of the pool and enjoying my sunlounger and book.

Stop lavishing praise on him for a start and tell him sharply to shut it when he criticises you.
Stop spoiling him.

@HellonHeels and @LetsGoRound you're both right... he's an only though and I was so bloody looking forward to spending loads of time with him.

I'm generally the stricter one but I was buzzing for the 1 on 1 / family time

The one thing I would say is don't put it to DH to tackle how he speaks to you do it for yourself as you risk him then thinking DH is to be respected more then you.

A friend has this issue with one of her children who is now 16... She has depended on her DH to pull rank and discipline son. He now does not do a thing she asks, does not stick to bounderies and does what he wants them her DH is not around because in his words... You need Dad to tell me what to do.

It's not nice but DS being showered with affection, praise and attention won't work as he's basically saying what he wants and doing what he likes anyway.

Don't like sunbeds - Go back to room
Throw the ball wrong - don't do it if your so rubbish

And so on...

It's not easy I have a 13 year old DS myself.. My only advice
It passes
Be consistent
Pull him up on it every time
Have boundaries
Most importantly remember it's not personal

I think he will stop this in a day or two if you come down hard on it. I know as a teacher you will have a practised Hard Stare 😁. Treat him to it and ask him coldly who on earth he thinks he's talking to? You'll only have to do it a couple of times I guarantee it. You sound like a lovely Mum, so a no prisoners response will probably shock him a bit and quite right too!

Yes excellent responses

May be a slap on the legs might concemtrate the mind.

• concentrate

Not in my family

Do you feel that you know what he's trying to do when he says these things? I can think of three possibilities: that he's trying to be hurtful, that he's thoughtlessly blurting things out without thinking about the impact on you, or that he's trying to 'banter' but is getting it wrong. I remember at his age a few occasions where I got the line wrong with a joke and upset someone and each time I was mortified but a bit baffled, as I'd said things that seemed very similar to me before and people had found them funny (as I'd intended). It took me a long time to figure out what was ok and what wasn't and how to read the situation to find that out. That might not be the case for him at all but I just wanted to throw it out there.

Maybe you've thrown too much praise and attention at him and now he feels superior to everyone else including you. I'm all for positivity with children,but the reality is they won't be no.1 to most people and acting in the manner you describe makes them seem like spoilt, conceited brats to lost outsiders.

I would employ natural consequences wherever possible. If he is criticising the way you’re throwing the ball I would say something like, ‘Oh well, sorry. I’ll sit down and read my book then and you can find someone better to play with.’ and stop playing.If he’s criticising the sunbeds you’ve chosen or the way you’ve put the towels out next time don’t get him a sun bed/ put out his towel, when he asks why, ‘You said the sunbeds I’d chosen yesterday were rubbish so I thought you’d want to choose your own today.’ I’m sure he’ll soon realise its not much fun having to do these things himself and having you not join him and hopefully will realise that being critical has negative consequences and will make people less likely to want to do things for him or spend time with him.

@Hardbackwriter I think he is trying to banter- which is why I let the first few go

But it very quickly became too much - I can't think of much that's come out of his mouth that wasn't mean, hurtful or sneery.

That's a really sad thought about a 10 year old isn't it?

We've spoken about banter only working if it's equal and that if 1 party finds it hurtful then it stops being banter

" haven't you anything nice to say" would be a response and I wouldn't want to play ball with him, I'd rather read my book and let him amuse himself with that attitude

You give him too much praise when you have raised a brat. Tell him to quit it one more time, if he keeps doing it, give consequences for his nastiness. Take his games off him, send him back to the room so no pool time, take his pocket money etc. Lots of options.

Don’t know if it will help, but when DD1 says snipey remarks about DD2, I make her think of a positive remark to say before we move on.

I won’t say it makes her think more positively towards her sister but it does tone her down a bit.

I do throw compliments and love,albeit too much but in general he knows where he is in the pecking order at school etc - he's definitely not a look at me alpha and doesn't see himself as superior

He says himself "all mammies think their kid is the best" etc whilst lapping it up!

The trouble with giving time out and taking tech is it makes him focus on himself (i.e how miserable he is without tech) rather than focus on you (i.e how sad I made mam feel). It will also in general make him dislike you so more likely to make negative comments and also models you doing something upsetting to him so not modelling the nice behaviour you want to see from him.

If this my DC I'd try to figure out the root of the behaviour. Is his sleep disrupted so tired? If so early night. Is he hot and bothered so irritable? Is there something bothering him? I assume from your OP this isn't his normal behaviour. It would absolutely upset me too if my DC said things like that too. I hope you get to the root of it soon. Good luck.

Any other children around his age at the hotel? It may be a bit intense the three of you together all the time.

he begs us to throw the ball - he's like a puppy! I was actually quite enjoying it until the shit talk started 😔 I ploughed on and have thrown that bloody ball for about 4 hours on and off today 🙈

Well this easy. Don’t “plough on” doing anything pleasant with him or for him while he’s being rude. Go back to basic toddler taming. If he wants interaction, he only gets it while he displays manners. Deal with it that way, and each incident should blow over in ten minutes and he will soon modify his behaviour.

@UndertheCedartree thank you

Yes, he's definitely had his sleep pattern turned upside down. We're 2 hours ahead. He's had an early night tonight after his final comment of 'you're a rubbish card dealer' 5 minutes after dh spoke to him about his sniping pushed me over the edge so fingers crossed tomorrow will be more positive