How the hell do I manage this behaviour?

[Workyticket]

We (me, dh and ds 10) are currently on holiday in a fab hotel but I'm on edge and so upset tonight

Ds is the absolute apple of my eye, I adore him and throw praise and attention at him. He's generally loving and polite but he's developed this horrible snipey streak towards me and it's uncharacteristically getting me down

He must have criticised / sniped at me literally dozens of times today and yesterday
-mam can't sing, there's literally nobody worse
-you can't throw the ball straight / you're literally rubbish / you're the worst thrower / you can't even catch (in the pool)
-mam is the worst dancer / everyone is a better dancer than mam
-mam chose the worst sun beds / put the towels on wrong

It sounds ridiculous - and I feel childish for being upset but it feels constant

I've sat him down and told him it's hurtful, given him time out, taken his tech. He apologies, acts sorry, tells me he loves me then literally the next thing out of his mouth is negative towards me

I'm a teacher - known for not going a pushover and for having a handle on discipline. Ds is usually a good lad. He's always erred on the negative side whixh we're trying to steer him away from but it's another level this week

Not sure why I'm posting but dh is having a cool bath and ds is snoring in the bed next to mine looking angelic and I'm feeling emotional

Please help me rescue the holiday and my relationship with ds

@Mally100

The behaviour is only happening on holidays. Not usually.

Try reading OP's posts before you jump to conclusions.

Fucking hell - he's been sniping for 2 days on holiday and you're saying a 10 year old is on track to be come an absolute twat?

I'm obviously trying to nip it in the bud - hence asking for support

I think this is more common than many poster are letting on.

As you become a teenager it’s common to get frustrated with your parents (and everything else).

I agree with the post about this happens when you start detaching from your parents and it’s often the one you’re closest to who gets it the most.

It’s a mixture between banter and teenage frustration.

I think it’s probably heightened because you are on holiday.

I remember feeling like this with my DD as she was an angel who complimented everything I did and then all of a sudden switched.

With my DD I will joke and banter back to a certain point and then if she takes it to far or keeps going on then I’ll say that’s enough now or there’s no need to be rude.
She is also autistic and needs quiet time to herself to decompress and I find if she doesn’t get this she can be worse.

Don’t sulk or anything as there’s a lot he can’t help but do be honest with your feelings.
If he’s being rude about your batting then tell him to stop and if he continues then tell him to play with his dad and you go and read your book.

Do not take anything personally!
It sounds like you’re doing a great job!

Just try and enjoy yourself as best as you can, even if that means taking a backseat whilst DS and DH spend a lot of time together.

I can remember being your son in my early teens - I loved my mum fiercely but was hypercritical of her sometimes (never to my dad as I was too scared of him). I even (to my shame 😳) find myself doing it now occasionally. What helped snap me out of it was my mum showing that she was upset and withdrawing from me as a result - I needed to see that hurtful words have consequences.
And despite what PP have said, I haven't turned out to be a massive twat as an adult!

Bless you OP :-( I can imagine it does feel really rubbish.

Maybe instead of gentle chats, take gentle action, tomorrow (or today? not sure where you are or what time it is where you are haha) don't get up and get any sunbeds, you go without. Don't play in the pool with the ball with him, and when he asks why, just tell him - 'I was a little hurt by your comments yesterday, so I don't really feel like it today, I'm going to have a day looking after myself and doing what I want to do'

I don't think he needs punishment or reprimanding as it seems it quite a normal pre-teen behaviour pattern, just a gentle reminder that his words can hurt peoples feelings, and there are consequences to that, I think he will quickly realise its not worth his time saying crappy things to you.

I would try modelling how I would like my DC to behave if a peer was doing this to them. I would like them to be calm and assertive with their boundaries.

So if DC says “You’re rubbish at throwing, Mum,” I would respond with “That’s hurting my feelings, I’m not going to play with you if you are going to say unkind things to me.” And then follow through if he continues. An apology would be required for me to play again or go onto another fun activity. “I’m still feeling hurt by what you said, you need to apologise for saying unkind things, I would not say something like that to you.” Once the apology was given it would be accepted immediately and we would move on happily, there would be no raking it over. (That part is different to how I would want my children to respond to a peer, if someone kept being unkind to them I would not want them to forgive and forget, but obviously you need to move on with your relationship with your own child!)

The rubbish dancer comment would get similar to the above, “I’m not going to dance with you if you are going to say unkind things.” And again follow through if he repeats it. Apology needed if he wants things to go back to normal.

I agree with other posters that it is likely a pre teen phase, but that doesn’t mean you need to accept being treated badly. I believe it is better to model healthy boundaries with the expectation of kindness and respect. The tricky bit is accepting the apology and acting normal again when you’re possibly still smarting!

You're doing perfect OP. I really think explaining how hurt you are on repeat is excellent. I just wanted to add that on holiday I often become a sniping mega bitch because I'm nervous of the new place. Not sure if that could also be a factor? In my case I need reassurance and a few days to settle in.

I'm not trying to belittle the problem, but I think it's a phase that happens with some kids - although usually more a teenage thing.

As pp have said turn it back on him.

Tomorrow wake him at 7 or earlier so he can go with you to choose the sunloungers since he doesn't like your choice (or send him alone and follow him from distance) as for the playing ball, singing; dancing etc either refuse to don't Joseph activities or stop at the first

I hope his behaviour is better today and you have a lovely day

I can remember being your son in my early teens - I loved my mum fiercely but was hypercritical of her sometimes (never to my dad as I was too scared of him). I even (to my shame 😳) find myself doing it now occasionally.

I completely agree!

As an adult I have to really be careful of how critical I am of my mum.
I am being critical but I’m also joking too but obviously that can be taken really personally if it’s a regular thing.

I was watching a TV show and the women has 6 kids and she said it’s hard because when they’re critical of her it feels like they’re ganging up on her because there’s so many of them and they said it was only when they watched the video back did they realise how horrible they were to her.

I think as a parent it’s hard to know when to loosen the reins and give them more independence and I think when teens get like this it’s like natures way of telling you that it’s ok to take a step back a bit, which is why they’re often more snappy with the parent their closest too as that’s the one that needs to back off a bit.

This is also when it’s so important to let them know you love them and not back off completely though! Which makes it even more difficult!

Maybe do little things like cook his favourite meal, pick a gift up from the shop or compliment him.

Teens are so difficult!
Unfortunately yours is starting quite early but hopefully that means it’ll be over quicker too!

Christ. "Just hit him, that'll show him who's boss eh!" What is wrong with you.

My biggest takeaway from this OP is that you seem to be baggsying sun lounges then going back up to the hotel room/for a walk/ for breakfast. That's basically worthy of the death penalty in MN land

Haha - I'm.an early riser! I love the quiet morning coffee - only a few others up to nod to 😁

Fk that. I'd tell him straight that I wasn't enjoying his company and until it improved I'd be reading my book. And then I would read my book.

I agree with the posters who are advocating sterner consequences than 'little chats.'

As a teacher, I think you would react more strongly if one of your pupils was rude to you. I doubt that having a chat would be the consequence.

I know the relationship is different, but try reacting as you would with a pupil.

For those saying it's a way of asserting his independence as he is growing up, there may well be elements of this and he may be hormonal, but in my view that's not an excuse for poor behaviour.

When he becomes an adult he will be expected to control his emotions, and not to be rude to a boss. He might as well start practising now.

Good luck and I hope you have a good day.

I think the 'up early, coffee and alone time' sounds lovely. Enjoy the rest of your holiday OP.

how do you manage it? By not being the pushover you are currently being.
You're playing catch and he says you're the worst? walk away and do something else.
Do not offer to play catch with him again and if he asks say no. Just no. No blithering on about it's because he made hurtful comments. Just "no". And then do something you want to do.
You're at karaoke and he says you can't sing? he has to go back to the room and be bored etc etc.

I deal with this all the time with my job. I generally react nonchalantly, or even worse 'mistake' it for a compliment. A kid told me I looked like Shrek in my green dress, so I delightedly replied "omg icon thank you darling!" He was disgusted by my reaction and outdated slang and didn't try again for a few weeks. You have to show them no matter how much hate they direct they won't stop you caring about them, but you do need a third party to pull them up on the shitty behaviour if you go this way.

Just saw your comment about your mother - sorry you are having relationship challenges. Is he aware or does he suspect anything - as this could be a subconscious push against you? Might be his first time able to consider if his mother wasn't always 100% in his corner?

In response to PP, perhaps I’m thinking too much about my experiences of this when I said they were asserting a dominance over me in the family - but mine were definitely doing that. It’s hard to put into words but it involved sucking up to DH, wanting to be with him and quite frankly treating me like a lesser species with the nasty comments. We didn’t have a lot of it but drawing quick attention to the unpleasant comments, challenging them, stopping the activity and DH having words as well mostly knocked it on the head.

I hope you have a better day today, OP.

You're doing the right thing with immediate consequences. I'd also withdraw all attention and affection for a period - basically not speaking to him. How dare he think he can speak to you like that... Utterly viscous, and he needs to learn he will push away anyone who loves him and he'll be left alone. A day sat in the room in silence will teach him why you do not say cruel things and expect to get away with it.

"Maybe do little things like cook his favourite meal, pick a gift up from the shop or compliment him."

The front page of this forum is full of heartbroken partners and new mothers being told they're shit mother's, bitches and old hags by men who were brought up with this coddly attitude that if they say cruel, mean things they'll be rewarded with treats. Forums of men congregate now to applaud one another on how the nastier they treat women, the more the women 'want to please them' by complimenting and buying things. Why on earth would you encourage that?

I'm curious, you spend all your time with your son, (whenever you're not at work, he's your absolute priority you said) throwing balls for him for 4 hours (?!?!!), you got up and saved a sunbed for the menfolk - how often does your son see you doing something that's just for you that doesn't revolve around him or your dh? How often do you say no to him?

Maybe he's feeling smothered and trying, in a pre teen hormonal way, to get you to back off a bit. He doesn't respect you - is it because everything you do is directed towards pleasing and pandering to him?

If all you do aside from work is spend time with him, maybe it's time to get a hobby so you're not so available all the time.

Fucking hell - he's been sniping for 2 days on holiday and you're saying a 10 year old is on track to be come an absolute twat?

To be fair, your OP suggests that although this behaviour might have intensified on the holiday, it's not entirely new.

@CallOnMe

Maybe do little things like cook his favourite meal, pick a gift up from the shop or compliment him.

I agree with @Eunorition . Wtaf?! Reward negative behaviour with treats? Er, no.