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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can i have a rant about my Ukrainian guest

658 replies

fakenamefornow · 23/07/2022 19:50

Context, normal family home with teenage school children. Taken in mum and six year old, they're living in our spare bedroom (with ensuite) and living as part of the family. We didn't know them previously and they came directly from Ukraine to us. They're both lovely and generally easy to live with, been with us one month, no regrets. Just need a little anonymous rant to let off steam though.

Ukraine seems better than the UK in every way.

The food. She's a very good cook and makes lovely Ukrainian dinners for us. But British food is terrible, Ukrainian people would never eat so much processed food (she might have a point). They have processed food in Ukraine but only foreigners eat it. Ukrainians always cook fresh.

The health care. She's had three medical emergencies with her child since being here. First one, child had temperature of 38, (bouncing around playing looking in perfect health to me.) She was astonished that a doctor wouldn't immediately come to house to see child. Arranged GP appointment that afternoon (she doesn't drive, I had to take her) . Upset, angry and confused that antibiotics weren't given. She really just couldn't understand it at all. I Ukraine a doctor would have come to the house, day or night, and given medication, you treat small things immediately so they don't get big. Child had three days off school and spent the whole time running around playing.

Child had tiny abscess on gum, no pain or any other symptoms. This necessitated an immediate trip to the out of hours minor injuries unit (still appalled doctor wouldn't come to house). No treatment, told to ring 111 in the morning. I live in an NHS dentistry desert but because they've come from Ukraine a local dentist has taken them on as NHS patients. Had emergency dental appointment next day. Dentist said leave it alone, come back in two months time or if problem develops with it. Mum wanted minor surgery to remove/empty it and antibiotics. More anger and confusion. She can't believe how bad medical care is here (again, she might have a point). Anyway, more time off school for this.

Her appointment for biometrics was messed up (their fault not her's) and she missed the card delivery. So bureaucracy and postal service doesn't work here. She's applied for universal credit, no money yet though, and it seems ridiculous that she should go to the office every week. Nothing works well in this country. Even the streets are difficult to walk on because the pavement is uneven.

I know many Ukrainian have lost good lives to take children to safety and life probably was much better in Ukraine than it will ever be in UK. Hopefully this is temporary and they will be able to return. Her life in Ukraine, was living in a nice flat that was her mother's (mother dead, now hers) with her brother and her kid. She's divorced, kids dad not around, no contact for years. Worked as office manager (small company, not high flying) with good salary.

Really, she's lovely and very grateful.
I just need a little rant about a few things.

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 23/07/2022 20:36

I typed out a message to a friend who asked how's it going and then deleted it because it sounds so petty in the scheme of things. But I completely get you. Talking about wanting to only eat healthy food then adding salt to absolutely everything and eating a packet of bourbons and custard creams every day and missing the meals we're preparing. We The dishwasher not sanitary but then double dipping in the houmous with bread sticks. Giving the two and three year olds caffeine and then they climb the walls so bedtime is up to 11pm. Big adjustment here!

Loosecannon60 · 23/07/2022 20:37

And posters saying things like “at least there aren’t missiles raining down” - what the actual FUCK? Do you think you’re being funny or something?

eekyeeky · 23/07/2022 20:37

My guest could show respect by not complaining about the UK - from what we do wrong to what we eat etc etc

Do you have a guest from Ukraine?

SylvieB74 · 23/07/2022 20:38

Oh well it’s not too good over there now is it, that’s why she’s here sat in your house doing your head in a little bit 🙃

MissHavershamJoinsTinder · 23/07/2022 20:38

There are over a million Ukrainian refugees in Poland and just under a million in Romania. Maybe you could make enquiries for her to get out of this shit hole and go to one of those locations.

Ukraine was not some Eden before the Fall. Significant parts of it were a corrupt shit-hole.

She sounds plain bloody rude and I'd be making plans for her to shift her arse elsewhere. She's pitched up in another country, you've taken her in. She has education for her child, a GP, a dentist and Universal Credit.

What else would she like?

TreePoser · 23/07/2022 20:38

I get that she has been through he'll but I feel for the op.

The people critiscing the op, have you opened up your home to ukrainians?

I know I couldn't handle anybody else in my house so respect to op.

SomePosters · 23/07/2022 20:38

OliveTheDog · 23/07/2022 19:58

Yes, I understand how you feel. My guest is always telling me how much better Ukraine is than the UK. And, yes, it is flipping irritating. I don't expect undying gratitude for giving her a roof over her head but a bit of respect for the country that that took her in wouldn't go amiss

As regards food, yep noses were turned up at "British" food.

I’m not surprised.

the state of what we call food in this country is shocking if you know what a healthy diet looks like. What we eat as a nation is frankly disgusting

fakenamefornow · 23/07/2022 20:38

SaltyCrisp · 23/07/2022 20:20

And England is pretty shit, so she has a point

No it's not and no she doesn't .

OP - what kind of meals does your guest cook?

Oh lovely things!
These chicken and mushroom pancake things.
Borcht
Layered beetroot salad
This potato chicken bake thing
Cakes

Costing me a fortune though! Or well, not a fortune, just more than I'd normally spend.

With money (before anyone jumps on that to have a go) we made an arrangement that they could live and eat as part of the family and pay me a small amount each week, when her money starts to come in. Or she could have some space in the fridge and cupboard space to cook and eat separately buying her own food (I offered to lean her money for this) . She chose the first option.

I'm glad she has cooking because it gives her something to do, plus, she gets to show off her skills and feel like she's giving something back to us. I do a lot of cooking as well, she's here to cook for us.

OP posts:
Stuffin · 23/07/2022 20:38

Remember not to take it personally.

We all cling on to familiar things when times are hard and they are for her right now. It doesn't necessarily mean she hates this country or your hospitality but she is probably trying to make sense of what her life is like right now.

LovelyQuiche · 23/07/2022 20:39

Ukraine have a poor health system when compared with the U.K. I watched a documentary about Henry Marsh going over there to set up a neurosurgical clinic with old equipment because they had no real neurosurgical provision over there. Admittedly this documentary is probably about 7 years old now but it’s probably not changed much since then.

Sometimeswinning · 23/07/2022 20:39

eekyeeky · 23/07/2022 20:37

My guest could show respect by not complaining about the UK - from what we do wrong to what we eat etc etc

Do you have a guest from Ukraine?

I think this is for the op and their own situation. Hth!!

poetryandwine · 23/07/2022 20:39

I’m glad you took the opportunity to let off steam! I found it interesting. But as you’ve essentially said, all her opinions are coloured by trauma. And with the exception of her views on antibiotics, she makes some fair points.

The U.K. is far from the worst country in the world but I don’t understand why people think it is exceptional. In particular that claim that the NHS (which I love) is the best health service in the world? Actually it is the most efficient health service in the world. And we know how it does that - by rationing treatment. In the most rational and humane way possible, to be sure. But it is depressing to read that we are always behind France, Germany and America with cancer drugs,etc, and our mortality rates reflect that.

But I’m grumpy too, because we’ve been without water yet again today. The water company can afford to pay out handsome dividends to shareholders but not to maintain its pipes, so our town has endless emergencies. In my home country and when I worked in America this would happen maybe once every 5-10 years. Why is England different?

Arenanewbie · 23/07/2022 20:40

Don't get me wrong Ukraine is a part of Europe and Ukrainians look like British people and they are Christians and so on but the reality is that life is different in Ukraine. And I don’t mean now, I mean it’s different before the war. It differs much more then life in UK and Germany. I think your guest is genuinely surprised and shocked. She used to think that UK is a rich country and it means for her that healthcare should be more easily accessible whereas it’s not exactly the way. Cousin lives in Germany , I wanted to cry when she was telling about healthcare during her pregnancy and for her small child. She would probably have the same reaction as your a Ukrainian guest, the difference is that she stays in Germany.
About food and antibiotics - it’s just views your guest was brought up with, and she’s right about food by the way, fresh is better just more expensive in UK or/ and more laborious.
Your guest has come to a rich country in her view and so she expects certain level of comfort and services, not because she’s so entitled but because it seems natural to her. However it’s not so simple. The structure of prices and expenses is very different. There are a lot of opportunities and freedoms in UK which you can’t get in Ukraine but it’s not obvious straight away whereas access to a dentist is.

PeanutButterCheesecake · 23/07/2022 20:41

Mine is the same with the medical stuff!

Trip to A and E for tetanus jab for the TINIEST cut on her finger. I drove her there but said she would have to get a taxi back as I wasn't waiting. She came home anyway after being told there was a 10 hour wait.

She's also booked herself in for an ultrasound and was shocked when they emailed to say they'd be in touch by the end of September. When I asked why she wanted one, from what I can gather, it's just to check everything is OK - there is no actual reason.

I thought she had quite bad health anxiety but am now wondering whether it's the culture to get very dramatic and go to the doctor for the tiniest of things.

ThinWomansBrain · 23/07/2022 20:41

How amazingly denerous of you to have offered a temporary home OP.
No experience of this myself, but I'd imagine that if you're worried and concerned for your country, friends and relatives is a situation that is way beyond your control, it mus be easier to fixate and be anxious about small things.
Deep breaths and count to ten.
Or ninety nine.

ozymandiusking · 23/07/2022 20:41

Ponderingwindow' s post was very nice.

Flittingaboutagain · 23/07/2022 20:41

There's also a big issue though of the children being very badly behaved and the mother just ignoring it which is driving my friend crackers as now her own children are questioning why these kids are allowed to get away with things that they would be disciplined for.

^ finding parenting styles are very different here too. Expectations of children's behaviour isn't the same as UK.

As for the dentist, child NHS dentists are easier to get than adults (for refugees and nationals).

DancingInTheMoonlight9 · 23/07/2022 20:42

But she is not wrong!! Britain is far far from "Great". I as a foreigner agree 100%. I had a tooth that needed root canal, went to see 3 different dentists in UK and all told me - tooth needs to be pulled out, it is untreatable. I went back to my home country and got it treated in a single visit at a dentist. Same applies to healthcare. I never had any blood tests done (as example) where in my country they routinely do blood tests to ensure some preventable diseases are treated/caught early. Easter Europe. However, salaries, work culture (more laidback), education system is better in UK..

Winkydink · 23/07/2022 20:42

thank you for hosting.

quite separately, I am from NZ (lived in UK 20 years) and completely agree with your guest that the paucity of medical care and horrific inefficient bureaucracy in this country are incredibly frustrating. Most British people don’t realise there is another way to doing things, and it can often be better and more efficient.

Somethingneedstochange · 23/07/2022 20:42

Has she never heard of stripping child down to they're underwear and giving Calpol? What parent with a young child doesn't have Calpol in the house?

Only doctors app if can't get temperature down.

Cosmos123 · 23/07/2022 20:42

Homesick.
When you are Homesick everything looks crap in comparison to home.
Grass is greener and all that.

MeenzAmRhoi · 23/07/2022 20:42

Meh, she has a point.

OliveTheDog · 23/07/2022 20:42

eekyeeky · 23/07/2022 20:37

My guest could show respect by not complaining about the UK - from what we do wrong to what we eat etc etc

Do you have a guest from Ukraine?

Yes - two

Shandaz · 23/07/2022 20:43

I'm afraid that the UK is crap in a number of ways (and growing). The Ukrainians I know also talk about a much better health service there.
However, they've said that the children could not travel by themselves (teenage boys) because they were afraid they would be kidnapped for their organs. And that there was a lot of crime there - everything that wasn't locked down would be stolen. They put a high fence round their garden, but someone came in via a tree and stole their bikes. And their government was corrupt and society very divided.

CuriousCatfish · 23/07/2022 20:44

The poor women has just fled a war and her home country is fucked. Have some bloody compassion.

This thread needs deleting.