Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can i have a rant about my Ukrainian guest

658 replies

fakenamefornow · 23/07/2022 19:50

Context, normal family home with teenage school children. Taken in mum and six year old, they're living in our spare bedroom (with ensuite) and living as part of the family. We didn't know them previously and they came directly from Ukraine to us. They're both lovely and generally easy to live with, been with us one month, no regrets. Just need a little anonymous rant to let off steam though.

Ukraine seems better than the UK in every way.

The food. She's a very good cook and makes lovely Ukrainian dinners for us. But British food is terrible, Ukrainian people would never eat so much processed food (she might have a point). They have processed food in Ukraine but only foreigners eat it. Ukrainians always cook fresh.

The health care. She's had three medical emergencies with her child since being here. First one, child had temperature of 38, (bouncing around playing looking in perfect health to me.) She was astonished that a doctor wouldn't immediately come to house to see child. Arranged GP appointment that afternoon (she doesn't drive, I had to take her) . Upset, angry and confused that antibiotics weren't given. She really just couldn't understand it at all. I Ukraine a doctor would have come to the house, day or night, and given medication, you treat small things immediately so they don't get big. Child had three days off school and spent the whole time running around playing.

Child had tiny abscess on gum, no pain or any other symptoms. This necessitated an immediate trip to the out of hours minor injuries unit (still appalled doctor wouldn't come to house). No treatment, told to ring 111 in the morning. I live in an NHS dentistry desert but because they've come from Ukraine a local dentist has taken them on as NHS patients. Had emergency dental appointment next day. Dentist said leave it alone, come back in two months time or if problem develops with it. Mum wanted minor surgery to remove/empty it and antibiotics. More anger and confusion. She can't believe how bad medical care is here (again, she might have a point). Anyway, more time off school for this.

Her appointment for biometrics was messed up (their fault not her's) and she missed the card delivery. So bureaucracy and postal service doesn't work here. She's applied for universal credit, no money yet though, and it seems ridiculous that she should go to the office every week. Nothing works well in this country. Even the streets are difficult to walk on because the pavement is uneven.

I know many Ukrainian have lost good lives to take children to safety and life probably was much better in Ukraine than it will ever be in UK. Hopefully this is temporary and they will be able to return. Her life in Ukraine, was living in a nice flat that was her mother's (mother dead, now hers) with her brother and her kid. She's divorced, kids dad not around, no contact for years. Worked as office manager (small company, not high flying) with good salary.

Really, she's lovely and very grateful.
I just need a little rant about a few things.

OP posts:
BiscuitLover3678 · 23/07/2022 19:53

Sorry! Sounds difficult.

I know you know this but their lives have had a HUGE upheaval and they’re probably deep down very homesick.

can you tell her that it’s upsetting you?

SavoirFlair · 23/07/2022 19:53

How “grateful” do you need her to outwardly be , before she’s allowed to make these observations ?

Pancakeorcrepe · 23/07/2022 19:56

OP you are good to have taken them in. I can see these things could be grating after a while. I’m sure you know she is trying to get used to things, it must be very difficult and a big shock to her. Ukraine may be wonderful but it is a country in war and maybe that is making your guest feel extra protective about her nation.

Pancakeorcrepe · 23/07/2022 19:58

In the examples you give, she sounds just like a worried mum and I can’t begrudge that to anyone who has fled a country in war. Easier said than done as I don’t have Ukrainian guests.

Brefugee · 23/07/2022 19:58

tbh? She's not wrong, is she?
Just smile and carry on, it is a great thing you are doing.

MiWadiMyChoice · 23/07/2022 19:58

Poor woman. I think if I had to flee a war with my young child, I’d freak out a bit if that child got ill in a foreign country where I was having difficulty accessing care.

And England is pretty shit, so she has a point.

OP, surely you had to know that you’d be taking in someone who was likely to have very, very mixed emotions? If you had to leave your home, country, and family, would you not be angry? Has her brother had to stay behind to fight?

OliveTheDog · 23/07/2022 19:58

Yes, I understand how you feel. My guest is always telling me how much better Ukraine is than the UK. And, yes, it is flipping irritating. I don't expect undying gratitude for giving her a roof over her head but a bit of respect for the country that that took her in wouldn't go amiss

As regards food, yep noses were turned up at "British" food.

Forestgate · 23/07/2022 19:58

I would feel annoyed too. What would she have preferred to happen?

TimeFlysWhenYoureHavingRum · 23/07/2022 19:58

Shes largely right though. We have been gaslight into accepting pretty terrible public services in this country based on the lie that they are "world beating" for years now (it didn't used to be so!).

LurpakAspirations · 23/07/2022 19:59

@SavoirFlair not the point of the ops post at all.

fakenamefornow · 23/07/2022 19:59

BiscuitLover3678 · 23/07/2022 19:53

Sorry! Sounds difficult.

I know you know this but their lives have had a HUGE upheaval and they’re probably deep down very homesick.

can you tell her that it’s upsetting you?

I'm not going to say anything to her about it. She's allowed a rant about public services here. I just need a little rant as well.

OP posts:
UrsulaPandress · 23/07/2022 19:59

How is or was medical care funded in Ukraine? Interesting conversation

Lunalae · 23/07/2022 20:01

She's not wrong. People do eat too much processed food here. And our healthcare access is shit.

There's no need to be defensive. It is usually educational to be reminded that the rest of Europe has far better standards of food prep and better access to its state healthcare than we do. We're fed a diet of lies about how we're 'the best' or 'everyone wants to come here' or 'we've got the NHS and that makes us magic and special' but it's all untrue. We're the sick man of Europe.

Summerbubbles · 23/07/2022 20:02

I'm sure she's very grateful, just making (accurate) observations about the UK. I think we're just so used to how rubbish things are we've given up complaining.

Forestgate · 23/07/2022 20:02

How much did she have to pay her doctor to visit? Giving antibiotics for everything is NOT good healthcare

cantthinkofanothergoodusername · 23/07/2022 20:02

shocked that people are saying that they agree with her and the UK is shit! And you'd be happy welcoming a guest into
your home who told you that your country was shit?! Confused

fakenamefornow · 23/07/2022 20:02

UrsulaPandress · 23/07/2022 19:59

How is or was medical care funded in Ukraine? Interesting conversation

It's free at point of use like here apparently. Government run hospitals and services.

OP posts:
LairyMcClairy · 23/07/2022 20:03

You’re doing something amazing that I could never do. You’re definitely allowed a rant.

Connie2468 · 23/07/2022 20:04

Could you just have an honest chat with her and say - look, you realise how hard it has been for her coming here and having to deal with bureaucracy and a different medical system, but you are finding the complaints about the way things are here hard to listen to?

She probably has no idea that it's making you feel the way you are.

Best to be honest about things rather than let it fester. IME Eastern Europeans tend to appreciate a but more direct communication than a typical Brit would.

Georgeskitchen · 23/07/2022 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

fakenamefornow · 23/07/2022 20:04

MiWadiMyChoice · 23/07/2022 19:58

Poor woman. I think if I had to flee a war with my young child, I’d freak out a bit if that child got ill in a foreign country where I was having difficulty accessing care.

And England is pretty shit, so she has a point.

OP, surely you had to know that you’d be taking in someone who was likely to have very, very mixed emotions? If you had to leave your home, country, and family, would you not be angry? Has her brother had to stay behind to fight?

Brother not fighting, working in a factory.

OP posts:
Sometimeswinning · 23/07/2022 20:05

I've had this with many people from a certain part of the UK! They have a pretty straight forward way home but choose not to and don't they whinge!!??

I'd just keep telling myself they are homesick and had a horrendous time. So annoying though!

MomwasCasual · 23/07/2022 20:05

Ahh OP, I can see why it rankles a bit but don't take it to heart.

She is a resident and national of a country that has just been denigrated, ransacked and completely taken over by another, whilst the rest of the world looks on.

Of course she will be grateful for what you are doing for her family now, but equally she will want to compare it with all the things that her country did better, before this shitshow of a 'war' was forced on them.

AnnaMagnani · 23/07/2022 20:05

We might have different ideas of what 'good' looks like - giving antibiotics for everything is not good healthcare.

The NHS for all it's many faults has spent years trying to wean people off the expectation that every minor illness needs a trip to the doctor for antibiotics.

winterchills · 23/07/2022 20:06

I can understand your frustration. You are doing an amazing thing xx