I am so glad to have read this thread.
we hosted a family and , on the whole , are glad we did it. But......although we set house rules at the start I am sorry we did not put more in.
Mum was a stay at home mum in Ukraine who had not worked for many years and it was obvious from the Universal credit interview she had no intention of working when she got here. We tried to explain that she would be expected to work and that if she wanted to rent somewhere she would have to work .
Myself and partner work full time and despite being shown how to clean , what to use etc she never cleaned except to run a hoover over about three times in 6 months. Despite asking bedclothes were not washed except maybe three times.
I would work long hours ,come home and have to clean , wash and tidy up. My partner works from home and was expected to drop everything to pick up and drop off , even when they were within walking distance of the house but it was raining despite having a bus pass. Now the bus pass has expired they will not pay for transport costs but expect us to still run them everywhere.
child was allowed to stay up until all hours so despite having a seperate sitting room we could not relax or watch tv with content not suitable for their age group without being worried they would come in. Child would go to bed hours after we did. We were expected to provide activities and play games etc with child every evening . Which was lovely in some ways but ,during the week when working full time, then cleaning and tidying up when mum has nothing to do all day except meet friends and go to English lessons , was hard.
Fridges and food cupboards were totally overtaken with food, which didn't get cleared up , or removed when out of date. Tried to talk about cleaning cooker and oven after cooking fatty food but this didn't happen. Child does not eat proper food but grazes on biscuits, sweets , cakes all day , including having food in room.
Mum got up to take take child to school and , apart from twice a week when when to English classes, or meeting with friends then came home, spent all day on phone in bedroom or kitchen until time to pick up child . Clothes were very infrequently washed.
We arranged for various activities for child within walking distance but unless we took them there mum didn't. We engaged with school over homework etc but mum said she had too many things to remember so would not do homework with child or engage with extra curricular activities.
Mum would not read emails or respond or forward to us , despite repeated requests , so things like parents evenings , universal credit meetings got missed. In contrast as she heard on Ukrainian networks about things that were available she would be on to us to arrange them for her. Visits to places that gave away things were embarrassing because of the volume of things taken, far more than other Ukrainian families.
I am vulnerable health wise and they told us they were vaccinated against covid. However when offered boosters for an appointment we had booked with their permission they told us on the day of the appointment they were not going to go. and when we saw vaccination card have good reason to believe it is forged . On discussion it appears there is a good deal of vaccination hesitancy in Ukraine , even amongst doctors. We kept discussing but it also looks as if child is not going to have vaccinations for other diseases either.
Finally mum wanted us to find a house to rent big enough to allow some more of family to come over in the centre of an expensive city to live . All of this whilst we are both full time workers with very long hours. Even after 6 months very little progress had been made by mother or child in English , despite our best efforts she took no initiative or responsibilities and all of our spare time was spent in taking them to places they wanted to go or admin, school homework etc. We kept trying to get her to take responsibility whilst supporting , but the more we helped the more that was demanded . If left to her own devices things just didn't get done which was not fair on child , or us .
There is no doubt there was a fair degree of depression involved with mum and a symptom of that is not wanting to engage , we think having a part time job would have been good for her mental health and there is a large and supportive Ukrainian community and a refugee organisation , both of which we put her in touch with right at the start and both of which have provided many resources and support. But it is also true that there has been very little effort to do anything at home or outside , but to expect us to work , provide all cleaning , housework , activities, school liaison , transport , house searches etc
Several holidays back to Ukraine have been taken. Each time at short notice expecting us to take them to airport during working week . Each time taking time out of school which we have explained is not acceptable . Mum refused to write letter to school so we ended up doing it.
Finally a change in our circumstances necessitated a change in hosts at relatively short notice . We arranged everything with councils help .
Now they've gone a great weight has lifted from us . They had a good while to pack and get ready but the bedrooms are full of rubbish , nothings been washed and the bathroom has taken hours to clean. We had not realised how bad things were because bedrooms and their ensuite were their private space and as we said at the start their responsibility to keep clean.
We are still engaging with school and looking for rented accomodation but have reiterated they have to start to step up. The new hosts are not in a position to help as much other than provide accomodation.
we have , over the years , opened our house to many people . Some deeply traumatised . On the whole we feel we provided a refuge and support to Ukrainians who needed it at a deeply difficult time. However......... it has come at a deep cost to us which we have only realised now they have gone , not only sharing a house for 6 months but also providing every support emotional and practical . I know a symptom of being depressed is an inability to look outside oneself but I cannot help but feel a little angry that someone would expect so much of two people , whilst inputting so little, to not see people older than yourself , working full time long hours are not there to clean , tidy , provide child care etc and that you should do something other than ask for stuff , visit friends and go to the occasional English class.
I feel better for that.