Can i have a rant about my Ukrainian guest

[fakenamefornow]

Context, normal family home with teenage school children. Taken in mum and six year old, they're living in our spare bedroom (with ensuite) and living as part of the family. We didn't know them previously and they came directly from Ukraine to us. They're both lovely and generally easy to live with, been with us one month, no regrets. Just need a little anonymous rant to let off steam though.

Ukraine seems better than the UK in every way.

The food. She's a very good cook and makes lovely Ukrainian dinners for us. But British food is terrible, Ukrainian people would never eat so much processed food (she might have a point). They have processed food in Ukraine but only foreigners eat it. Ukrainians always cook fresh.

The health care. She's had three medical emergencies with her child since being here. First one, child had temperature of 38, (bouncing around playing looking in perfect health to me.) She was astonished that a doctor wouldn't immediately come to house to see child. Arranged GP appointment that afternoon (she doesn't drive, I had to take her) . Upset, angry and confused that antibiotics weren't given. She really just couldn't understand it at all. I Ukraine a doctor would have come to the house, day or night, and given medication, you treat small things immediately so they don't get big. Child had three days off school and spent the whole time running around playing.

Child had tiny abscess on gum, no pain or any other symptoms. This necessitated an immediate trip to the out of hours minor injuries unit (still appalled doctor wouldn't come to house). No treatment, told to ring 111 in the morning. I live in an NHS dentistry desert but because they've come from Ukraine a local dentist has taken them on as NHS patients. Had emergency dental appointment next day. Dentist said leave it alone, come back in two months time or if problem develops with it. Mum wanted minor surgery to remove/empty it and antibiotics. More anger and confusion. She can't believe how bad medical care is here (again, she might have a point). Anyway, more time off school for this.

Her appointment for biometrics was messed up (their fault not her's) and she missed the card delivery. So bureaucracy and postal service doesn't work here. She's applied for universal credit, no money yet though, and it seems ridiculous that she should go to the office every week. Nothing works well in this country. Even the streets are difficult to walk on because the pavement is uneven.

I know many Ukrainian have lost good lives to take children to safety and life probably was much better in Ukraine than it will ever be in UK. Hopefully this is temporary and they will be able to return. Her life in Ukraine, was living in a nice flat that was her mother's (mother dead, now hers) with her brother and her kid. She's divorced, kids dad not around, no contact for years. Worked as office manager (small company, not high flying) with good salary.

Really, she's lovely and very grateful.
I just need a little rant about a few things.

Hi yes it's absolutely understandable that these comments make you feel angry and upset. Well done for venting! When a person moves from her home to another unknown country against their will they will always miss their home and find new place not suitable. Ukraine and UK are two different countries with very different culture. It's true that the doctors will always come say and night to peoples home, they eat fresh food I don't think the quality is better but in the UK people eat the food that Ukrainians perceive as not healthy, high in fat, salt, sugar and carbs. It's very nice of you to provide home for them and basically saving their lives. I think that they are not ungrateful but a bin insensitive and really missing home. I know you want them to fall in love with the UK but it might not be possible because they didn't choose to live here and were forced to flea their home. I am from a Slavic country and I understand it. I moved here because I wanted to and I felt in love with the UK and had rose tinted glasses for many years. I think the medical system does not fuel anxiety around heath here as much as there. Yes you need to be careful around the food here but people in the UK generally live longer and more active life, so it mustn't be that bad. Oh just wait till the winder hits, as Ukrainians have dry climate and very high temperatures at home from cheap central heating... that took me years to get used to.

Tbh the UK is a bit shite at the moment.

Just gently point out to her that’s it’s not too late to re-locate to one of the other countries who have offered safety to the Ukrainians. Maybe there’s a country out there who can tick all her boxes…..

@WinterMusings in the case of Doctors it depends on which uni course they have done and whether it is recognised here (hers is!). She then needs to pass an exam in English and then can apply and work. She’s currently doing hours of English lessons every day (all free!). I think she will stay but time will tell! I hope some do (she has no men to get back for if that makes sense- mother with her daughter age 11 and her mother in her sixties, father dead and daughters dad not involved). She would be a massive asset here

My friend lives in France and has taken in a young Ukrainian woman with 2 small children and she has been having exactly the same issues: constant need for medical attention for the children for the most minor things and then wants a second opinion every time as she never trusts the doctors. Doesn't cook, doesn't drive and cant speak any french so my friend is forever having to leave work to sort things out /ferry them around.
There's also a big issue though of the children being very badly behaved and the mother just ignoring it which is driving my friend crackers as now her own children are questioning why these kids are allowed to get away with things that they would be disciplined for.
It's really difficult as it would be with any long term house guest let alone a complete stranger whose life has been turned upside down so rant away, know that you are not alone in feeling like this but you are doing a very good thing.

She probably chose the UK for the same reason as people have for generations. People have all these wonderful anecdotes about the UK, much like America, that just aren't true.

How much processed food are you eating that she actually commented on it? This week, the only processed food I think I've used is dry pasta and supermarket bread.

@UrsulaPandress medical care is free but the staff gets very low salaries.. better doctors work in private sector and most people try to get private health care if they can afford. It's very different though, there is no GP, you go to a specialist right away. There is lots of preventive medical care, lots of check ups and blood tests. Privately tests are quite cheap too and people use them a lot.

Thanks for doing something amazing.
I imagine it's a natural reaction to a stressful situation.

I can't believe how aggressive and ignorant people are being on this thread when they normally come here to complain about the exact same things.

Hi I, I can totally sympathise and can see you just needed a rant.

I have a Polish friend who's lived here for years and years, but she often take of how wonderful their "healthcare/education/standards of living" are and it drove me nuts sometimes!

Eastern European's are much more direct in what they say and how they come across. She probably doesn't even realise it's annoying you.

Rant away here and well done for what you're doing

"Apparently". MOST of Europe has 'free at the point of use, government healthcare." Most of the whole damn WORLD does. Why do Brits think the 'NHS' is unique? We're fed such tosh.

I’ve just googled healthcare in Ukraine pre war and I really doubt she got a house call at the drop of a hat every time her child coughed and it also says dentistry was extortionate . Like pp I reckon she had an image of the uk and it’s just not measured up .

It's a culture shock. I lived abroad in my 20s through choice and I still found tons of stuff to complain about and compare unfavourably to the UK. Then I came back and did the same here it's normal. And for her it must be so much worse because she didn't even want to move in the first place - she had to due to war! I think op has the right approach - let her vent and op can vent here. There's no need to be horrible to her or force some kind of faux gratitude. I'm sure she IS grateful to be safe but I also bet she'd far rather none of this was happening so she could just go home.

Meh she is entitled to her opinion, she's just seen a snapshot of British life though and I doubt many of us have seen life (in peacetime) there either- I wouldn't be offended by it. Some of the stuff like seeing a child with a temp of 38 who is otherwise well and wanting antibiotics for several things is ridiculous. There are major issues with the NHS though and I expect a lot of us have moaned about it at some point. I wouldn't say anything to her about it though aside from the important thing to me is are you happy in our home and I'm sure they are because it sounds like you would have heard about it if not!

I grew up between EE and the UK and have to say that both quality of food and access to healthcare are genuinely much better there. I remember having a medical emergency when I was visiting Ukraine over a decade ago, and it was dealt with swiftly and professionally. I’ve had some brilliant NHS doctors, but in terms of actually accessing them, my experience in Ukraine (and across much of the continent tbf) was in a whole different league.

It might help to contextualize it a bit… there is often a stereotype in the UK/northern Europe that EE is behind, nothing works, food is Soviet slop, etc. and equally there is a perception in EE that the UK is rich, functional, etc.

With that in mind, it’s easy to get defensive - not only are you homesick, but you feel a bit resentful about the false stereotypes. Of course, not everyone believes them, but it does have a way of getting under your skin.

I understand your frustration as I get upset with my EE friends who complain too much about the UK. At the end of the day, we all have reasons for living here, and personally I absolutely love it and always defend the UK in these conversations, although I acknowledge that some of the practicalities such as food and healthcare could be better.

However, the key difference is that my friends and I are here by choice, whereas your guests have had to flee their homes - they can’t just go home, which must make everything a million times more frustrating. It’s out of their control.

Also, having lived in expat circles much of my life, you should hear how some privileged Brits go on about how much they hate countries they have voluntarily moved to, and how much better everything is at home!

Honestly there should have been some support network put in place to avoid this sort of thing. It sounds like you are understanding and will push through but I have heard from a friend who works with refugees that many of the home placements are breaking down. Culture shock is bad enough when you've chosen to move to a new country. If they were students or employees they'd probably be getting some kind of cultural training. I can't imagine what it's like when you are fleeing war.

I think it's perfectly normal for you to rant here and feel annoyed but if you're interested you could have a look at AFS's Global Up online cultural competence courses. The bits I've seen of them (just a free sample tbh) were really good for practising seeing cultural differences in a non-judgemental way. I'm not saying you are being judgemental but it must be a bit hard not to be sometimes. Obviously your guest could use some cultural training too but since you can't really suggest it provide it without awkwardness the next best thing is having some yourself I reckon.

You are doing a good, good thing. Tensions are to be expected and you sound like someone who will deal with them really sensitively

I live in an NHS dentistry desert but because they've come from Ukraine a local dentist has taken them on as NHS patients.

Interesting.

While millions of UK residents have no access to NHS dental care:
dentistry.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/01/the-great-british-oral-health-report-2021.pdf

My guest could show respect by not complaining about the UK - from what we do wrong to what we eat etc etc

It is unique though, and that's not a good thing and there's a reason for that! Most have state funded free at point of use care mixed with pay to access at a set, subsidised rate for some things- a sliding scale between us and america.

I can totally understand why you want to rant but it's a complicated situation.

She has had to uproot herself and her child, to come to a country she has no previous knowledge of. She will be homesick and anxious.

I think there may be (understandably) some expectation of gratitude, and a lack of obvious gratitude will cause hard feelings.

It's lovely that you have offered her a home, but I'm well aware that I would hate to be forced to live in someone's house. I'm sure I would be extremely grumpy.

Well giving out antibiotics at every opportunity is a disaster in the making so countries that do that should really stop.

Can you watch some of the tv documentaries on the health service. The aptly named 'Hospital' is well worth watching by anyone but there are lots of others. It might help her understand how things are here.

I don't think the UK is better than every other country. Some countries do things better than us. That's a fact many British people don't like to accept.

I don't get it or the we should be grateful for whatever we get nonsense because in some countries you will sleep on the streets.