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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can i have a rant about my Ukrainian guest

658 replies

fakenamefornow · 23/07/2022 19:50

Context, normal family home with teenage school children. Taken in mum and six year old, they're living in our spare bedroom (with ensuite) and living as part of the family. We didn't know them previously and they came directly from Ukraine to us. They're both lovely and generally easy to live with, been with us one month, no regrets. Just need a little anonymous rant to let off steam though.

Ukraine seems better than the UK in every way.

The food. She's a very good cook and makes lovely Ukrainian dinners for us. But British food is terrible, Ukrainian people would never eat so much processed food (she might have a point). They have processed food in Ukraine but only foreigners eat it. Ukrainians always cook fresh.

The health care. She's had three medical emergencies with her child since being here. First one, child had temperature of 38, (bouncing around playing looking in perfect health to me.) She was astonished that a doctor wouldn't immediately come to house to see child. Arranged GP appointment that afternoon (she doesn't drive, I had to take her) . Upset, angry and confused that antibiotics weren't given. She really just couldn't understand it at all. I Ukraine a doctor would have come to the house, day or night, and given medication, you treat small things immediately so they don't get big. Child had three days off school and spent the whole time running around playing.

Child had tiny abscess on gum, no pain or any other symptoms. This necessitated an immediate trip to the out of hours minor injuries unit (still appalled doctor wouldn't come to house). No treatment, told to ring 111 in the morning. I live in an NHS dentistry desert but because they've come from Ukraine a local dentist has taken them on as NHS patients. Had emergency dental appointment next day. Dentist said leave it alone, come back in two months time or if problem develops with it. Mum wanted minor surgery to remove/empty it and antibiotics. More anger and confusion. She can't believe how bad medical care is here (again, she might have a point). Anyway, more time off school for this.

Her appointment for biometrics was messed up (their fault not her's) and she missed the card delivery. So bureaucracy and postal service doesn't work here. She's applied for universal credit, no money yet though, and it seems ridiculous that she should go to the office every week. Nothing works well in this country. Even the streets are difficult to walk on because the pavement is uneven.

I know many Ukrainian have lost good lives to take children to safety and life probably was much better in Ukraine than it will ever be in UK. Hopefully this is temporary and they will be able to return. Her life in Ukraine, was living in a nice flat that was her mother's (mother dead, now hers) with her brother and her kid. She's divorced, kids dad not around, no contact for years. Worked as office manager (small company, not high flying) with good salary.

Really, she's lovely and very grateful.
I just need a little rant about a few things.

OP posts:
Sloebluewalls · 23/07/2022 20:44

I’d cut her some slack. She must be finding acclimatising to a new culture and struggling nhs difficult whilst also missing her home.

Hermione101 · 23/07/2022 20:44

She’s been through a lot and probably incredibly homesick, scared, and worried.

However, I’m an expat and fully agree with her on all points.

You’re doing an amazing thing, taking her in.

welshpolarbear · 23/07/2022 20:44

CuriousCatfish · 23/07/2022 20:44

The poor women has just fled a war and her home country is fucked. Have some bloody compassion.

This thread needs deleting.

Bit over the top. Op has said she is understanding. Oils never say anything to her. She just needed to get it off her chest. Fair enough.

Subbaxeo · 23/07/2022 20:45

You’re doing a wonderful thing but you’re still allowed to be human and rant. As is she who is uprooted from her home and everything she knows. She is bound to be grateful and I bet she appreciates everything you’ve done to provide shelter for her. She’s provably surprised that, although the UK is an extremely rich country, it doesn’t function well in many areas-my Bulgarian friend compares the healthcare here and it’s found wanting. It’s also a culture difference-my Polish friend tells me they all have a regular chest X-ray-unthinkable here. Antibiotics may be another cultural difference so our system feels inferior. Thank you for opening your home and of course you can let off steam on mumsnet.

Wouldloveanother · 23/07/2022 20:46

I understand both perspectives. This country is a bit of a shit hole, we’re like boiled frogs to be honest and I’m sure if we went to other countries with better funded public services we would realise how bad it really is here.

if we all grew up with minor medical issues being treated, we too would be nervous/shocked if that stopped being the case, especially with little ones.

i also understand that the gripes are beginning to annoy you and it would be nice if she could be a little more gracious about her host country.

I read somewhere that Ukrainians are very blunt in their speech, they don’t beat around the bush and just say what they think. So probably a bit of a culture clash too.

well done on taking her in, wonderful thing to do.

Somethingneedstochange · 23/07/2022 20:47

I had a root canal and veneers put on my teeth at an NHS dentist.

ThisIsHowYouDoIt · 23/07/2022 20:47

That would annoy me. I love the UK and think it’s a brilliant place to live! Plus I’ve visited friends in countries where there is objectively a lower standard of living, but would ever go on about it so much! So rude!!

puddingandsun · 23/07/2022 20:47

You're amazing. Rant away! Here to listen.

Tbh, I have to say your post made me giggle a little. I have been the immigrant moaning about this and that, and also I have been annoyed by 'newcomers' moaning and sounding unappreciative.

It's definitely a culture shock + being home sick. Also, she's being open and honest and definitely not realising she's not being polite - Brits can be very reserved and less forthcoming, in comparison.

IRunbecauseILikeCake · 23/07/2022 20:47

You are clearly a wonderful person taking in refugees. Really and truly. But...she didn't want to come here. She was forced out of her country.

Sloebluewalls · 23/07/2022 20:47

You’re very kind by the way OP and it’s natural to be irritated a bit when living with someone 24/7

QuentininQuarantino · 23/07/2022 20:48

I’m British but live elsewhere in Western Europe. I’ve met a lot of Ukrainians as we have a lot of refugees here and I’m always surprised by the utopia they think the uk is. I’m not surprised the OPs guest had a rude awakening, tbh.

It is our way though, to be able to merrily criticize ourselves but be rankled when someone else criticizes us!

I also agree with a PP about the expat manner of constant comparisons as a way of settling.

Sandra1984 · 23/07/2022 20:48

floppybit · 23/07/2022 20:18

Absolutely agree with this, doctor and dentist were absolutely right to let the child's immune system fight things off on it's own instead of resorting to antibiotics

I've been with an ear infection for two weeks now because the NHS decided to give me some stupid cortisone ear spray instead of proper antibiotics as "my immune system would cure the infection". Bollocks. I need to go back on Monday and plea for antibiotics.

NHS doesn't prescribe antibiotics because they're super expensive, not because of good healthcare. I've had a few people working for NHS telling this to me.

I'm not Ukranian but I'm not English either.

barms90 · 23/07/2022 20:49

To be fair I live in Poland and I'm always moaning....this wouldn't happen in the uk ect ect. Doesn't mean I hate it just can't help it :/

Also here antibiotics are given out like tic tacs.my son often goes the doctor and they say he seems OK but here are some antibiotics if he gets worse give them 🤯
You can also basically go to the pediatrian in public (free) but if its out of hours like 15 quid to see@ a private. We have taken my son who was having a fit at 11pm to a private doctor in doing so avoided a hospital trip.
The food in Poland is better than UK and all polish people seem to complian about it...chocolate is worse though 🤷‍♀️

Sandra1984 · 23/07/2022 20:49

Not that it matters where I'm from.

Germolenequeen · 23/07/2022 20:51

In addition to being "homesick" she's probably worried for friends and family back home still in shock at the situation and quite possibly suffering from depression into the bargain.

I don't blame the OP for "having a rant" but some of the posts on here are unbelievably callous.

DorritLittle · 23/07/2022 20:52

I have just had some guests staying telling me how much better the UK is than their country at many things. It's simplistic to say the UK is rubbish. Not your guest, she is not allowed to prefer Ukraine of course and be homesick (though I understand your need to rant). I have lived in two other European countries. UK food is not terrible (or did she mean your cooking?!) given that you don't have to buy ready meals and the same basic ingredients are available to cook from scratch. Buying vegetables in Germany was always a challenge for me and yet we all think Germany is amazing. Every country has its frustrating aspects. Corrupt local governments in some countries. Frustrating or opaque administration in others. The NHS is underfunded and chaotic but has been free since 1948. The BBC is still without comparison in many countries. (Shame the Tories want to get rid of that too).

Also if we all used public transport instead of taking our cars it would be much better...

C152 · 23/07/2022 20:55

Well, she's right on all counts (except, possibly, the antibiotics for the fever - but approaches to fevers have changed relatively recently)! However, I'm sure you're doing your best OP; everybody needs a rant now and then - better for you to do it here than blow up at your guests.

Just try to let her remarks roll over you without taking offence. I'm sure she's not meaning for you to take her remarks personally; the state of life here is pretty shocking when you've lived elsewhere, and if she has no one else to talk to, you're bound to bear the brunt of her highlighting the disappointing differences. Are there any other Ukrainian families near you, or mums at the school that are also from other countries that you could introduce her to?

barms90 · 23/07/2022 20:56

Two other things...my polish husband expects me to take my son to the doctor for a running nose (no lie) gets annoyed if I don't...and doctor will give a list of meds for said running nose.
I suggest she finds some groups maybe online. I have some fb groups and we all complain about certain cultural differences here...a good one is hats and coats. 15 degrees and dressed for Antarctica....u have this to come in autumn.

FoxCorner · 23/07/2022 20:56

My late dh was from another country and when I met him there were a lot of his nationality in London. The amount of criticising of everything by them made me roll my eyes, but when some of them moved back home and we visited I noticed they'd moved on to moaning about their home country instead, so maybe they just liked moaning! It's funny as if UK people move to another country and do that we are called whinging poms!

My MIL and I seemed to have an understanding though as the first time we went over there we stopped at the airport cafe on arrival and she said she used to work with English people and they were always saying how much better everything was back home and she found it really rude. I agreed it was rude and told her about late dhs friends in London who were forever saying how much better things were back home. So MIL and I never did it to each other.
It must be a nightmare for your guest but it's OK for you to let off steam though. You are doing a good thing.

Glitterspy · 23/07/2022 20:56

I think it’s a natural reaction to hate and despise what you have had to move to, if you’ve been forced to move from your home because of war. She’s letting off steam the only way she can.

It sucks to be the sounding board for all of that but by keeping your good humour you’ll be supporting her. You could gently remind her to try and see the good but that feels pretty unempathetic given her circs.

I was surprised to read your assurance that she will be able to go home. What makes you so sure?

Ilovemycatalot · 23/07/2022 20:57

There is no way I could house a stranger.. Your doing a wonderful thing OP that a lot of us wouldn’t do so your entitled to your rant must be stressful.

DancingInTheMoonlight9 · 23/07/2022 20:58

Also if people would eat at least a little bit less processed foods maybe UK wouldn't have the most obese population in Europe? It is madness, when we have family and friends visiting us from our home country everyone is always shocked at the vast amount of sugary foods in the shops. Also how cheap they are. Or maybe there needs to be a sugar tax. Anyhow, your ukrainian guest is right, Ukraine is better than UK in many aspects.

garlictwist · 23/07/2022 20:58

I used to have a very good friend from the Czech Republic (so not a refugee sitaution, she'd moved here out of choice). She whined about the UK all the time and everything was better in the CR, according to her.

I am not patriotic and think our country has many flaws but it really fucked me off. I often felt like screaming "just move back then!!".

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2022 20:58

Good idea to let off steam here OP and I hope things get easier in time, for all of you.

worriedatthistime · 23/07/2022 20:58

In some european countries they do give out antibiotics like sweets , which is bad for all of us
But they do generally have better dentistry and a lot cheaper
Ive had a dr come out straght awya abroad as well in spain but cost me 100 euros