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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end my marriage over this.

316 replies

strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 17:58

Hi, I'm posting for the first time as I'm feeling really lost and confused and don't know what to do.

I've been with my husband (38) for 11 years, married for 6. Im 32, we have a son (6), I have a daughter who lives with us (13) and he has a son (13) and daughter (16)who don't live with us but do visit regularly.

In February of this year I saw a text on my husbands phone where he was arranging to meet a prostitute. I looked through his contacts and noticed there were quite a lot saved under two letter names such as JK/A1/KM... there were ten in total and when I google searched them all 10 bought up escort adverts for different girls. Some were near where we live and some were near his work. They were all quite young between 19-22. I was angry, upset and disgusted and confronted him. He denied anything had ever happened, he said he had messaged a few but only got a couple of responses and had never gone through with it. He said the reason he had searched for them was because I didn't have sex with him often enough, our sex life has gone through rough patches but has been getting better in the last two years. I'd say we have sex about 2/3 times a month so not loads but a lot more then we used to.
Literally two days after I found this out he got taken ill and ended up in hospital for 3 days so it got brushed to one side and I chose to believe him.

A few weeks ago I saw a naked body selfie he had taken of himself, he never takes photos like this and hadn't sent the photo to me. I thought it was strange but decided to let it go.
Today I was using his phone to google something as it was the nearest one to hand. He was asleep as he works nights. In his recent google searches I saw a search for escorts in the area he works.
I looked in his sat nav app to see any addresses he had last visited and there was one recent one, near his work, that I didn't recognise, I put the address into google maps and the place is an all blacked out, plain black shopfront with loads of little cards stuck around the doorframe. It looks dodgy but obviously I can't know for sure what it is unless I go there myself. I'm now thinking the naked selfie was one he had taken to send to one of these girls in advance but I don't even know if that is a thing that is done?

I told him what I had seen and again he denied ever doing anything but didn't offer an explanation as to why he had searched for escorts again. I told him I want him to leave as I can't believe him and again he just repeated that he hasn't actually done anything. I don't have any proof that he has actually been to an escort/prostitute but there is a voice in my head telling me I would be stupid to believe him.

He is now moping around the house in a bad mood and I am sat here feeling anxious, confused and lost. I don't know what to do.
If we broke up I would suffer a lot financially and mine and my kids life's would be much harder. I do love him but I feel disgusted at him right now. I don't want to be with a man who visits prostitutes. But what if I'm wrong?

What would other people think or do in this situation? Please help

OP posts:
minidancer · 23/07/2022 18:01

I'm so sorry you are going through this. The intention is there regardless of if he's actually met any of them or not (I would assume he had with that many numbers in his phone) I could not trust again. I'm so sorry

ScreamingInfidelities · 23/07/2022 18:01

Absolutely. I would’ve ended it in Feb. Dirty bastard.

Put him out and get yourself tested for STDs.

Cas112 · 23/07/2022 18:02

Sorry op but you know in your hear of hearts he has been there and done that

Cas112 · 23/07/2022 18:03

Cas112 · 23/07/2022 18:02

Sorry op but you know in your hear of hearts he has been there and done that

Heart of hearts

Loics · 23/07/2022 18:04

I would also have ended it after the first incident, sorry this is happening to you OP. 😔 I would get rid of him now, you deserve better.

Jellycatspyjamas · 23/07/2022 18:04

That would be a dealbreaker for me I’m afraid, the sheer number of searches suggests intent.

MiWadiMyChoice · 23/07/2022 18:04

Why do you need proof?

He’s a pig.

I’d have ended it when I had my first suspicions.

girlmom21 · 23/07/2022 18:04

End it. The intention is there even if he's never actually had sex with them - which he almost certainly has.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 23/07/2022 18:06

I would end it in a second. This isn’t a court of law. You don’t need to build an airtight car against him. You know what he’s done. He knows what he’s done. He carried on after you caught him the first time. I’m sorry that this will be hard financially but you will regret choosing financial stability over your dignity if he stays.

mrs55 · 23/07/2022 18:06

He has definitely slept with them please end your marriage !

ThorFull · 23/07/2022 18:07

This will only escalate. I’m so sorry to say that this is an end of marriage offence. It’s going to be tough, but it really has to be done. If you stay, things will only get worse and more messy.

Vallmo47 · 23/07/2022 18:07

Sorry OP but I agree, it would have been curtains for me a while ago (although I do understand how difficult it is to consider when kids are involved, financial implications etc). He’s shown you who he is, believe him.

PickAChew · 23/07/2022 18:07

You simply can’t trust him and not without good reason - the infidelity, the fact that he sees access to women’s bodies as something to buy and the fact that he blamed you for his behaviour.

and get an std test.

WillYouDoTheFandango · 23/07/2022 18:08

You would be stupid if you believed nothing had happened and swept it all under the carpet. 10 numbers saved in his phone? All of which he just contacted but didn’t do anything with?

And now you’ve caught him at it again? But he’s in a bad mood with you not the other way round? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Butterfly44 · 23/07/2022 18:10

That's no marriage. End it and find someone who adores you x

SunflowerGardens · 23/07/2022 18:10

You do have proof, though.

Thesearmsofmine · 23/07/2022 18:11

I’m so sorry. For me this would be a dealbreaker. If he is taking naked off Otis etc then I imagine it isn’t just escorts he is involved in.

JuneOsborne · 23/07/2022 18:12

I think you think that unless you have proof that he has actually slept with a prostitute then you can't end your marriage.

You do not need that proof. The only thing you need is to want to be separate from him. Whatever your reason. If that's what you want, you're 'allowed' to leave him.

Many women here would leave based on what you've found.

watermelonlipbalm · 23/07/2022 18:12

I'm so sorry OP. I can't ever bare to imagine how this has made you feel.
The fact that he's searched again and chosen to lie to you again over seeking any sort of counciling to help the issues he's already met opens speaks a thousand words.
He's also had lighting you, blaming your sex life. His actions are NOT your fault or a reflection of you.

SouperNoodle · 23/07/2022 18:12

As PP said, you do have proof. He visited the escort's address.
Why would he be googling if he had no intention of using them?
Every single thread like this, the man always says "I just googled because I was curious. I didn't go through with it"

That's bullshit. Your DH has had sex with multiple prostitutes. Kick him out.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/07/2022 18:14

They have ALWAYS 'only messaged'. It's never ever true. Why on earth would a women work as an unpaid sex phone line? They wouldn't.

Get rid immediately.

IssaBaby · 23/07/2022 18:14

Echo all the above. First incident is diabolical enough for me to go.

Kick this asshole out and start speaking to solicitor. You deserve so much more than this.

strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 18:16

Thank you all for replying, his reaction has had me doubting myself and thinking I'm over reacting. It breaks my heart but I do think I have to end it now. This isn't something I can ignore anymore. I just don't know how I'm going to find the strength. We are meant to be going on holiday with our kids in a week and a half and we have been saving to buy a house together. It's unbearable to think all my hopes for our life together are now gone.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 23/07/2022 18:17

The other thing is, even if he didn’t go through with it (which I doubt), he knew after the first time you weren’t happy and has done it again anyway. An utter disregard for your boundaries and your feelings - is that the kind of man you want to be with for life?

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/07/2022 18:17

Make sure you have half the savings in your sole name.