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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end my marriage over this.

316 replies

strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 17:58

Hi, I'm posting for the first time as I'm feeling really lost and confused and don't know what to do.

I've been with my husband (38) for 11 years, married for 6. Im 32, we have a son (6), I have a daughter who lives with us (13) and he has a son (13) and daughter (16)who don't live with us but do visit regularly.

In February of this year I saw a text on my husbands phone where he was arranging to meet a prostitute. I looked through his contacts and noticed there were quite a lot saved under two letter names such as JK/A1/KM... there were ten in total and when I google searched them all 10 bought up escort adverts for different girls. Some were near where we live and some were near his work. They were all quite young between 19-22. I was angry, upset and disgusted and confronted him. He denied anything had ever happened, he said he had messaged a few but only got a couple of responses and had never gone through with it. He said the reason he had searched for them was because I didn't have sex with him often enough, our sex life has gone through rough patches but has been getting better in the last two years. I'd say we have sex about 2/3 times a month so not loads but a lot more then we used to.
Literally two days after I found this out he got taken ill and ended up in hospital for 3 days so it got brushed to one side and I chose to believe him.

A few weeks ago I saw a naked body selfie he had taken of himself, he never takes photos like this and hadn't sent the photo to me. I thought it was strange but decided to let it go.
Today I was using his phone to google something as it was the nearest one to hand. He was asleep as he works nights. In his recent google searches I saw a search for escorts in the area he works.
I looked in his sat nav app to see any addresses he had last visited and there was one recent one, near his work, that I didn't recognise, I put the address into google maps and the place is an all blacked out, plain black shopfront with loads of little cards stuck around the doorframe. It looks dodgy but obviously I can't know for sure what it is unless I go there myself. I'm now thinking the naked selfie was one he had taken to send to one of these girls in advance but I don't even know if that is a thing that is done?

I told him what I had seen and again he denied ever doing anything but didn't offer an explanation as to why he had searched for escorts again. I told him I want him to leave as I can't believe him and again he just repeated that he hasn't actually done anything. I don't have any proof that he has actually been to an escort/prostitute but there is a voice in my head telling me I would be stupid to believe him.

He is now moping around the house in a bad mood and I am sat here feeling anxious, confused and lost. I don't know what to do.
If we broke up I would suffer a lot financially and mine and my kids life's would be much harder. I do love him but I feel disgusted at him right now. I don't want to be with a man who visits prostitutes. But what if I'm wrong?

What would other people think or do in this situation? Please help

OP posts:
strawberryice90 · 15/08/2022 19:18

ReneBumsWombats · 15/08/2022 15:56

People can love their cars or houses but still look at bigger houses and better cars

In context, that's disgusting for so many reasons and on so many levels that I don't think I could ever get past it.

The more I think about it the more disgusted I am

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 15/08/2022 19:27

strawberryice90 · 15/08/2022 19:16

From speaking to him today I can see he absolutely thinks he's the victim in all this, no shame or remorse whatsoever

So let him think it. It's his own head. You don't have to pander to it in your life.

TwoMonthsOff · 15/08/2022 19:36

likely has several email addresses (memorised)
such as
[email protected]

GettingItOutThere · 15/08/2022 19:36

this man is disgusting!!! you will never be able to trust him again, you are doing the right thing!

He has absolutely paid cash and slept around. Men like this never change

single mum here - 2 young kids, you WILL be ok! Plan and action it

Ws2210 · 15/08/2022 21:50

Well done OP, you've got this. You are totally right to leave him. Not only did he cheat on you and betray you but he has raped vulnerable young women. Yes, paying for sex is rape.

Back2front · 23/02/2023 16:17

Don't prolong the agony. LTB

Back2front · 23/02/2023 16:20

Oops. Didn't RTFT. Well done on moving forward

Nanna60 · 23/02/2023 18:27

You need to leave him
Hes moping around because you know what he has been up to
he isn’t worth it
i left my x because he had been cheating
it leads to heartache
it isn’t worth i
you are worth more
Think of your Children
They deserve to be Happy Too

JudgeRinderonTinder · 23/02/2023 18:57

I’d end it. It’s obviously dodgy and he’s a disgusting pig. I’d also get yourself a sexual health check up if you’re still sleeping with him while he’s putting it about with prostitutes.

Brookes99 · 24/02/2023 17:22

Wondering how you are doing now?

TicketBoo23 · 24/02/2023 20:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

TicketBoo23 · 24/02/2023 20:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

TicketBoo23 · 24/02/2023 20:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Zanatdy · 24/02/2023 20:41

He’s definitely slept with them. I’d get checked out incase of any STD’s. It’s your decision if you stay with him, but he will do it again.

LuluLehman · 26/02/2023 10:23

I wish I’d had mumsnet to turn to when I was going through a similar situation. They didn’t talk about gaslighting then either so I was convinced when he told me I was crazy and overreacting.

Things have moved on. You have mumsnet and other resources to help you trust yourself as you deal with this difficulty. It won’t be easy but it might be easier than you think. You are certainly going to be happier in the long term. Wishing you well.

PleaseStopSayingHuBbY · 26/02/2023 10:48

@strawberryice90 I hope you are doing ok and your ex finally admitted he was a dirty pervert.

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