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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end my marriage over this.

316 replies

strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 17:58

Hi, I'm posting for the first time as I'm feeling really lost and confused and don't know what to do.

I've been with my husband (38) for 11 years, married for 6. Im 32, we have a son (6), I have a daughter who lives with us (13) and he has a son (13) and daughter (16)who don't live with us but do visit regularly.

In February of this year I saw a text on my husbands phone where he was arranging to meet a prostitute. I looked through his contacts and noticed there were quite a lot saved under two letter names such as JK/A1/KM... there were ten in total and when I google searched them all 10 bought up escort adverts for different girls. Some were near where we live and some were near his work. They were all quite young between 19-22. I was angry, upset and disgusted and confronted him. He denied anything had ever happened, he said he had messaged a few but only got a couple of responses and had never gone through with it. He said the reason he had searched for them was because I didn't have sex with him often enough, our sex life has gone through rough patches but has been getting better in the last two years. I'd say we have sex about 2/3 times a month so not loads but a lot more then we used to.
Literally two days after I found this out he got taken ill and ended up in hospital for 3 days so it got brushed to one side and I chose to believe him.

A few weeks ago I saw a naked body selfie he had taken of himself, he never takes photos like this and hadn't sent the photo to me. I thought it was strange but decided to let it go.
Today I was using his phone to google something as it was the nearest one to hand. He was asleep as he works nights. In his recent google searches I saw a search for escorts in the area he works.
I looked in his sat nav app to see any addresses he had last visited and there was one recent one, near his work, that I didn't recognise, I put the address into google maps and the place is an all blacked out, plain black shopfront with loads of little cards stuck around the doorframe. It looks dodgy but obviously I can't know for sure what it is unless I go there myself. I'm now thinking the naked selfie was one he had taken to send to one of these girls in advance but I don't even know if that is a thing that is done?

I told him what I had seen and again he denied ever doing anything but didn't offer an explanation as to why he had searched for escorts again. I told him I want him to leave as I can't believe him and again he just repeated that he hasn't actually done anything. I don't have any proof that he has actually been to an escort/prostitute but there is a voice in my head telling me I would be stupid to believe him.

He is now moping around the house in a bad mood and I am sat here feeling anxious, confused and lost. I don't know what to do.
If we broke up I would suffer a lot financially and mine and my kids life's would be much harder. I do love him but I feel disgusted at him right now. I don't want to be with a man who visits prostitutes. But what if I'm wrong?

What would other people think or do in this situation? Please help

OP posts:
MiWadiMyChoice · 23/07/2022 20:47

toogoodforthisworld · 23/07/2022 20:45

Do you love him? Really love him. Do you love being intimate with him? Does he feel like you don't want to have sex with him? If I felt like my partner did not want to have sex with me then i would be heartbroken. I would feel very much rejected and hurt. I could not and would not stay in a relationship where there was practically no sex unless there was an understanding that it was permissible in our relationship to have sex with others.
Could this be an option for you? That he has sex with others and stays with you as a partner but that you don't have sex at all?

Do you really think buying a woman’s body is acceptable and not having enough sex at home justifies it?

strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 20:48

toogoodforthisworld · 23/07/2022 20:45

Do you love him? Really love him. Do you love being intimate with him? Does he feel like you don't want to have sex with him? If I felt like my partner did not want to have sex with me then i would be heartbroken. I would feel very much rejected and hurt. I could not and would not stay in a relationship where there was practically no sex unless there was an understanding that it was permissible in our relationship to have sex with others.
Could this be an option for you? That he has sex with others and stays with you as a partner but that you don't have sex at all?

No that couldn't be an option for me. I am always telling him I love him and being affectionate with him and 50% of the time I initiate when we have sex. I do love him and can't imagine being with anyone else but this is too much for me to forgive and I think it will carry on happening

OP posts:
StarCourt · 23/07/2022 20:48

And def hammer the truth home . If he's contacting 19 yr olds who are barely older than his 16 yr old DD

toogoodforthisworld · 23/07/2022 20:50

@MiWadiMyChoice
We don't have proof that he has been paying for sex with prostitutes. Would a man actually send a naked selfie to a prostitute? I have no idea if that happens.

AnyFucker · 23/07/2022 20:52

^Do you love him? Really love him. Do you love being intimate with him? Does he feel like you don't want to have sex with him? If I felt like my partner did not want to have sex with me then i would be heartbroken. I would feel very much rejected and hurt. I could not and would not stay in a relationship where there was practically no sex unless there was an understanding that it was permissible in our relationship to have sex with others.

Could this be an option for you? That he has sex with others and stays with you as a partner but that you don't have sex at all?^

what the fuck kind of advice is that ? Jesus Christ.

toogoodforthisworld · 23/07/2022 20:53

@strawberryice90
Fair enough. I think more men than we realise use prostitutes so do not doubt yourself that you've done something wrong. You choose you and the kids and good luck x

MiWadiMyChoice · 23/07/2022 20:53

toogoodforthisworld · 23/07/2022 20:50

@MiWadiMyChoice
We don't have proof that he has been paying for sex with prostitutes. Would a man actually send a naked selfie to a prostitute? I have no idea if that happens.

Even if he didn’t have sex with a prostitute (which I think os very unlikely), the fact that he’s even engaged in seeking one out means he has zero respect for the OP, zero respect for their marriage, and is a pig who sees women as a commodity.

ReneBumsWombats · 23/07/2022 20:54

toogoodforthisworld · 23/07/2022 20:45

Do you love him? Really love him. Do you love being intimate with him? Does he feel like you don't want to have sex with him? If I felt like my partner did not want to have sex with me then i would be heartbroken. I would feel very much rejected and hurt. I could not and would not stay in a relationship where there was practically no sex unless there was an understanding that it was permissible in our relationship to have sex with others.
Could this be an option for you? That he has sex with others and stays with you as a partner but that you don't have sex at all?

Too good for this world, you say?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/07/2022 20:55

So sorry this has happened but you still sound in denial.

Get angry! He's shagging young girls barely older than his daughter!

And you really need to get tested for STDs.

Kick the lousy shite out and make sure you transfer your savings into your name.

toogoodforthisworld · 23/07/2022 20:56

@AnyFucker
I wanted to offer a different opinion than the usual closed mind LTB MN's would provide.
Watch your language please. You're very rude.

Somethingneedstochange · 23/07/2022 20:56

They will take any savings you have into consideration. You might be able to get around that by putting into accounts in your children's names. But you should be able to stay in the house. Unless you do just want a fresh start

ReneBumsWombats · 23/07/2022 20:59

toogoodforthisworld · 23/07/2022 20:56

@AnyFucker
I wanted to offer a different opinion than the usual closed mind LTB MN's would provide.
Watch your language please. You're very rude.

You think the advice to leave a man who regularly buys sex and lies to his wife about it in the face of clear proof is the sign of a closed mind?

JugglingJanuary · 23/07/2022 21:00

Keep ALL the savings in your account, for now. You'll have to house yourself , your Dd & your joint DC.

find yourself a very very good solicitor.

use entitled to & see what benefits you could claim.Apply for anything & everything you can.

find a rental you can afford.

You CAN do this, you ARE strong enough!!

you don't need any proof
he will lie to you about everything
he will say you won't be able to cope without him
he will say he has rights

he will say all kinds of utter shit...

it doesn't make it true!!

he would have to take me to court to get to have supervised visits with 'our' children. He wouldn't see 'my' children again.

The kids will
all have to be told sooner or later, might just as well be sooner x

AnyFucker · 23/07/2022 21:01

@toogoodforthisworld call everyone else out too that has a problem with your woman-hating “advice”

MiWadiMyChoice · 23/07/2022 21:08

Watch your language please

You don’t get to police other women.

PamelaD00ve · 23/07/2022 21:09

Regarding the photo - I've got a friend who is married (I don't approve of this by the way, she confessed all whilst drunk) but meets other married men for one off casual sex. She showed me photos of men on this app, and they were often of that nature (naked or semi naked body shot with face hidden or only partially showing). She uses a messaging app called kik... possibly other apps are used for similar, but I don't know.

If you can have a good look at his phone, you might find an app where he is arranging similar meet ups.

A prostitute won't be interested in a naked photo, but other marrieds looking for discreet hookups would.

Shade17 · 23/07/2022 21:22

toogoodforthisworld · 23/07/2022 20:50

@MiWadiMyChoice
We don't have proof that he has been paying for sex with prostitutes. Would a man actually send a naked selfie to a prostitute? I have no idea if that happens.

This is why I thought it was a bit odd. To be clear, I’ve never used a prostitute but why would they be at all interested in a photo? A hookup site/tinder etc on the other hand…. Could it be be that he’s just been looking at prostitutes but actually having an affair/hook ups?

strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 21:24

PamelaD00ve · 23/07/2022 21:09

Regarding the photo - I've got a friend who is married (I don't approve of this by the way, she confessed all whilst drunk) but meets other married men for one off casual sex. She showed me photos of men on this app, and they were often of that nature (naked or semi naked body shot with face hidden or only partially showing). She uses a messaging app called kik... possibly other apps are used for similar, but I don't know.

If you can have a good look at his phone, you might find an app where he is arranging similar meet ups.

A prostitute won't be interested in a naked photo, but other marrieds looking for discreet hookups would.

That describes the photo perfectly... god this is all so fucking grim 😫

OP posts:
Ehneh · 23/07/2022 21:24

There's no way I would ever bother trying to salvage anything with this person. Get yourself out

Ehneh · 23/07/2022 21:26

PamelaD00ve · 23/07/2022 21:09

Regarding the photo - I've got a friend who is married (I don't approve of this by the way, she confessed all whilst drunk) but meets other married men for one off casual sex. She showed me photos of men on this app, and they were often of that nature (naked or semi naked body shot with face hidden or only partially showing). She uses a messaging app called kik... possibly other apps are used for similar, but I don't know.

If you can have a good look at his phone, you might find an app where he is arranging similar meet ups.

A prostitute won't be interested in a naked photo, but other marrieds looking for discreet hookups would.

Yeah, apps that people use for no strings attached hookups

00kitty · 23/07/2022 21:30

Sending hugs
Unfortunately he sounds like a narcissist, I had an ex who compulsively lied and even when presented with evidence would deny it! Kept giving him chances and it kept happening. I told him to leave after thinking to myself would I be happy in 10 years time still living like this - my answer was no. 12 years on I am much happier and 3 years after leaving him found a lovely man.
leave and don’t look back and I think I would look at going no contact with him as he will continue to feed lies…my ex still does to both me and our teen daughter

LooseGoose22 · 23/07/2022 21:31

toogoodforthisworld · 23/07/2022 20:56

@AnyFucker
I wanted to offer a different opinion than the usual closed mind LTB MN's would provide.
Watch your language please. You're very rude.

Why should op put up with him fucking prostitutes at 100 quid a pop out if their family finances, when she had sex with her partner several times a month and initiates it half the time?

Her habits & expectations are perfectly normal, his - I'm not being able to go with that, without looking for prostitutes (which is an excuse anyway) are NOT.

You don't move towards the unreasonable, the unrealistic, the degenerate... that's not the direction anyone should be compromising in.

LizzieVereker · 23/07/2022 21:32

I got this far “In February of this year I saw a text on my husbands phone where he was arranging to meet a prostitute.” and thought YANBU - end your marriage.

SunflowerGardens · 23/07/2022 21:33

toogoodforthisworld · 23/07/2022 20:56

@AnyFucker
I wanted to offer a different opinion than the usual closed mind LTB MN's would provide.
Watch your language please. You're very rude.

That's a bit snotty for someone who's advising someone to let her husband fuck other women.

toogoodforthisworld · 23/07/2022 21:33

@strawberryice90
Don't even bother looking for the app on his phone - search kik tinder bumble and other dating sites on the search bar and open from there. He will most likely be logged in.
Also look on internet for fabswingers or another swinging site and see if he has a profile on there. If he usually uses google browser then use safari and vice versa. His account may have stayed logged in from his last visit. Best to know xx