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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end my marriage over this.

316 replies

strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 17:58

Hi, I'm posting for the first time as I'm feeling really lost and confused and don't know what to do.

I've been with my husband (38) for 11 years, married for 6. Im 32, we have a son (6), I have a daughter who lives with us (13) and he has a son (13) and daughter (16)who don't live with us but do visit regularly.

In February of this year I saw a text on my husbands phone where he was arranging to meet a prostitute. I looked through his contacts and noticed there were quite a lot saved under two letter names such as JK/A1/KM... there were ten in total and when I google searched them all 10 bought up escort adverts for different girls. Some were near where we live and some were near his work. They were all quite young between 19-22. I was angry, upset and disgusted and confronted him. He denied anything had ever happened, he said he had messaged a few but only got a couple of responses and had never gone through with it. He said the reason he had searched for them was because I didn't have sex with him often enough, our sex life has gone through rough patches but has been getting better in the last two years. I'd say we have sex about 2/3 times a month so not loads but a lot more then we used to.
Literally two days after I found this out he got taken ill and ended up in hospital for 3 days so it got brushed to one side and I chose to believe him.

A few weeks ago I saw a naked body selfie he had taken of himself, he never takes photos like this and hadn't sent the photo to me. I thought it was strange but decided to let it go.
Today I was using his phone to google something as it was the nearest one to hand. He was asleep as he works nights. In his recent google searches I saw a search for escorts in the area he works.
I looked in his sat nav app to see any addresses he had last visited and there was one recent one, near his work, that I didn't recognise, I put the address into google maps and the place is an all blacked out, plain black shopfront with loads of little cards stuck around the doorframe. It looks dodgy but obviously I can't know for sure what it is unless I go there myself. I'm now thinking the naked selfie was one he had taken to send to one of these girls in advance but I don't even know if that is a thing that is done?

I told him what I had seen and again he denied ever doing anything but didn't offer an explanation as to why he had searched for escorts again. I told him I want him to leave as I can't believe him and again he just repeated that he hasn't actually done anything. I don't have any proof that he has actually been to an escort/prostitute but there is a voice in my head telling me I would be stupid to believe him.

He is now moping around the house in a bad mood and I am sat here feeling anxious, confused and lost. I don't know what to do.
If we broke up I would suffer a lot financially and mine and my kids life's would be much harder. I do love him but I feel disgusted at him right now. I don't want to be with a man who visits prostitutes. But what if I'm wrong?

What would other people think or do in this situation? Please help

OP posts:
HorseInTheHouse · 15/08/2022 15:30

Ugh what a horrible misogynist. Poor you. Stay strong, he sounds absolutely vile.

Cancersurvivor · 15/08/2022 15:53

If you have access to the savings take them all, you will need them.

ReneBumsWombats · 15/08/2022 15:56

People can love their cars or houses but still look at bigger houses and better cars

In context, that's disgusting for so many reasons and on so many levels that I don't think I could ever get past it.

IrisVersicolor · 15/08/2022 16:15

strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 20:45

The photo is really playing on my mind, as well as the rest of it but I wonder what or who it was for? It is so strange, in the 11 years we've been together I've never know him take a photo like that

For a hook up site I’d imagine. A prostitute wouldn’t want a pic of a client.

3luckystars · 15/08/2022 16:35

Well done. Don’t worry about anyone ‘believing’ you, you know. You were there too!

You could also just say the word ‘prostitute’ and the conversation is over.

you should be so proud of your self for leaving him. Your children will reap the benefits of living in a stress and lie free home. Well done and keep strong!

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 15/08/2022 16:51

Well done, OP

LimeTwists · 15/08/2022 16:54

His reactions to be dumped are genuinely unbelievable. He’s just looking?! You’ve forgiven him before so why not now?! He doesn’t even have the strength of character or morals to be ashamed of himself, does he? You are well rid. He’s disgusting!

iRun2eatCake · 15/08/2022 17:08

strawberryice90 · 15/08/2022 12:30

So I had a conversation with him today, he initiated it. Basically trying to talk me out of separating. He came out with all of the following

Don’t see why I make a little mistake and get punished so badly for it

You forgave me before so why can’t you just forgive me again.

People can love their cars or houses but still look at bigger houses and better cars

Is it just me being sensitive or are these appalling things to say? He seems to be genuinely shocked and pissed off that I have come back from holiday and have not forgiven and forgotten

My XH came out with some shitty things but l really think yours has topped it!!

He really has no love or respect for you...

Thank goodness you have some for yourself and your DC.

These men really think we are stupid and can't live without them. What a complete twat.

KosherDill · 15/08/2022 17:10

You need to model strength, resolve and self-respect for your daughter. I hope you are able to move on from him and establish yourself in a wonderful new life.

Ourlady · 15/08/2022 17:13

God he is so thick. It’s took him all this time to come up with reasons you should stay with him and every one of them is a massive insult to you. What an idiot.
Bloody well done for getting rid of him.

Theheartisalonelyhunter · 15/08/2022 17:18

"People can love their cars or houses but still look at bigger houses and better cars"

OP, this is a truly awful, hurtful thing to say to someone you're in a relationship with. I realise that every situation is complicated, but this one sentence should make things a lot simpler for you.

10HailMarys · 15/08/2022 17:25

@strawberryice90 Good grief, he really is a twat, isn't he? How dare he minimise what he's done as if it was just a little mistake? And how dare he act as if you're being unreasonable when he was the one who did all these things? He's digging his own grave with his response to this.

Well done you for having the strength to end it. You're doing the right thing.

Heyisforhorses · 15/08/2022 17:29

Once I saw the line "arranging to meet a prostitute" i agreed with your subject line. Get rid of him, you will find it hard but you deserve better.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/08/2022 17:37

This reply has been deleted

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Imissmoominmama · 15/08/2022 17:41

He’s a nasty little scuzzer. Give him the boot.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/08/2022 17:49

You forgave me before so why can’t you just forgive me again

And there, in one sentence, is the risk of "forgiving them" laid bare ... with individuals like this it's simply an invitation to go right on as before Hmm

notapizzaeater · 15/08/2022 17:51

The you forgave me before is crap, after all he's not 'done' anything to be forgiven for ! You are worth so much more than this !

ChicChicGirl · 15/08/2022 17:56

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How about reading all of OP’s post before calling her an idiot??

ChicChicGirl · 15/08/2022 17:57

*posts

Treacletoots · 15/08/2022 18:08

Well done OP. Stay strong, thousands of us have left disgusting men and thrived. Well done for showing your DC how not to tolerate being treated like shit.

He's a piece of shit and won't ever change. Well done

DitzyBluebells · 15/08/2022 18:20

People can love their cars or houses but still look at bigger houses and better cars

This is him telling you you're lower/lesser than a prostitute to him.

Please ignore all the shit-men apologists telling you to work through it (how exactly, by abandoning your own dignity and respect for yourself?!). You're doing the right thing by getting rid of him. Speak to the landlord for permission to change the locks now he's left and get his name off the tenancy. Don't be afraid to let the landlord know what's gone on. This is your husband's shame, not yours.

ReneBumsWombats · 15/08/2022 18:22

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Oh, thank God you're here. What would OP have done without you?

TwoMonthsOff · 15/08/2022 18:50

@strawberryice90
he doesn’t sound the brightest if that is his plan to win you over, it’s unbelievable really
stay strong 💐

strawberryice90 · 15/08/2022 19:15

wheredidIleavemystyle · 15/08/2022 14:04

Do you have access to his emails?

If so, try to see if you can log into Adult Works website. He might have an account there. Try putting his email address into the list password function and see if anything comes through to his email. If it does, quickly change the password and then the email address. Then you'll have access and he won't, and you may find some proof there

I have already done this but didn't find anything, also tried fab swingers and a few other sites but none recognised the email address

OP posts:
strawberryice90 · 15/08/2022 19:16

LimeTwists · 15/08/2022 16:54

His reactions to be dumped are genuinely unbelievable. He’s just looking?! You’ve forgiven him before so why not now?! He doesn’t even have the strength of character or morals to be ashamed of himself, does he? You are well rid. He’s disgusting!

From speaking to him today I can see he absolutely thinks he's the victim in all this, no shame or remorse whatsoever

OP posts: