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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end my marriage over this.

316 replies

strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 17:58

Hi, I'm posting for the first time as I'm feeling really lost and confused and don't know what to do.

I've been with my husband (38) for 11 years, married for 6. Im 32, we have a son (6), I have a daughter who lives with us (13) and he has a son (13) and daughter (16)who don't live with us but do visit regularly.

In February of this year I saw a text on my husbands phone where he was arranging to meet a prostitute. I looked through his contacts and noticed there were quite a lot saved under two letter names such as JK/A1/KM... there were ten in total and when I google searched them all 10 bought up escort adverts for different girls. Some were near where we live and some were near his work. They were all quite young between 19-22. I was angry, upset and disgusted and confronted him. He denied anything had ever happened, he said he had messaged a few but only got a couple of responses and had never gone through with it. He said the reason he had searched for them was because I didn't have sex with him often enough, our sex life has gone through rough patches but has been getting better in the last two years. I'd say we have sex about 2/3 times a month so not loads but a lot more then we used to.
Literally two days after I found this out he got taken ill and ended up in hospital for 3 days so it got brushed to one side and I chose to believe him.

A few weeks ago I saw a naked body selfie he had taken of himself, he never takes photos like this and hadn't sent the photo to me. I thought it was strange but decided to let it go.
Today I was using his phone to google something as it was the nearest one to hand. He was asleep as he works nights. In his recent google searches I saw a search for escorts in the area he works.
I looked in his sat nav app to see any addresses he had last visited and there was one recent one, near his work, that I didn't recognise, I put the address into google maps and the place is an all blacked out, plain black shopfront with loads of little cards stuck around the doorframe. It looks dodgy but obviously I can't know for sure what it is unless I go there myself. I'm now thinking the naked selfie was one he had taken to send to one of these girls in advance but I don't even know if that is a thing that is done?

I told him what I had seen and again he denied ever doing anything but didn't offer an explanation as to why he had searched for escorts again. I told him I want him to leave as I can't believe him and again he just repeated that he hasn't actually done anything. I don't have any proof that he has actually been to an escort/prostitute but there is a voice in my head telling me I would be stupid to believe him.

He is now moping around the house in a bad mood and I am sat here feeling anxious, confused and lost. I don't know what to do.
If we broke up I would suffer a lot financially and mine and my kids life's would be much harder. I do love him but I feel disgusted at him right now. I don't want to be with a man who visits prostitutes. But what if I'm wrong?

What would other people think or do in this situation? Please help

OP posts:
ToastedCrumpetwithCheese · 23/07/2022 19:37

If he won't leave of course. I know I couldn't afford to pay the mortgage and bills on our house, so I would have to leave if me and DH separated.

lapasion · 23/07/2022 19:49

I’m sorry OP, but it’s unlikely he’s just doing research and chatting with these women.

Yes it’ll be hard financially but you will be OK. On your salary, you should be able to get some help in the form of universal credit. Personally, I’d start looking for places now and start getting organised. Don’t linger and wait for this to happen again.

Moonshine160 · 23/07/2022 19:58

Oh OP, I am so sorry that you are going through this. The first time would have been a marriage ender for me. It’s very likely that he has met up with these women for sex but even if he hasn’t, the intention is clearly there. What a nerve he has to blame you for not having sex with him enough, he is a disgusting pig and there’s nobody to blame for your marriage ending other than him. It will be so hard at first but in time you’ll be so glad for leaving him. You can do this and we’re all here to hold your hand through it.

StarCourt · 23/07/2022 20:01

Op you will be entitled to a UC top up and he should pay maintenance which will all help you rent on your own.
Or look for a shared ownership home in your area.
But with 15k in savings you can certainly afford to
Move if needs be

M340 · 23/07/2022 20:02

Google the postcode of the address with the funny shop.

Also I'm sorry OP, there's so way he hasn't slept with them.

Also - you don't need proof. What he has done is vile enough.
Please run a mile with your kids. You mentioned some of the age of these women were 19. Your daughter is 13 (I'm not for a second saying he is a peado) but in 6 years your daughter will be the same age. That alone would make me not want my daughter around him when she starts getting towards that age.

Disgusting pig. Run a mile OP and please get an STI check.

Lunalae · 23/07/2022 20:03

"In February of this year I saw a text on my husbands phone where he was arranging to meet a prostitute." was all you needed to write. Yes, you end your marriage over this. Don't need to describe all your kids or how he feels or that he's gone a bit sad now. You don't stay with men like this. They are dangerous to your family and your health. They care nothing for you.

ReneBumsWombats · 23/07/2022 20:06

Quite apart from the faithlessness and purchase of women (I would find a love affair with an emotional attachment easier to understand, personally), he thinks you are fucking stupid.

No, I couldn't get over this. I think there are some circumstances under which I might be able to forgive an affair, but this is everything I hate. Multiple times, no emotional attachment, purchasing women, actively seeking them out and then assuming you'll be a moron when he lies about it.

Aubree17 · 23/07/2022 20:07

You have overwhelming evidence that he is using prostitutes.

To have 10 numbers saved and claim nothing happened isn't plausible.

Do you have access to any bank statements? Does he withdraw a lot of cash?

It's incredibly difficult. Is this something you can continue your relationship with or is it a deal breaker for you?

I'd you choose to end things, the next few months will be tough. But choosing to stay with the knowledge of what he has done with be tougher, you need to choose your difficult.

I'm so sorry your going through this, I had a friend in a similar situation. He never stopped and I doubt he ever will.

Msmbc · 23/07/2022 20:12

OP if you have three kids to house and

Msmbc · 23/07/2022 20:14

Sorry pressed post too soon. OP if you have three kids to house and can't afford the rent on your salary you will be eligible for universal credit. Please do a benefits calculator to see how much you would get.

Somethingneedstochange · 23/07/2022 20:16

He would need to pay you child support and you can get a top up off universal credit. Make an appointment with CAB to see what help you will get.

TheFrendo · 23/07/2022 20:30

Yes. End your marriage and be open about the reason.

winterchills · 23/07/2022 20:30

Absolutely get rid. He's vile and can NOT be trusted

CallOnMe · 23/07/2022 20:34

If my partner cheated with a ONS then I could possibly forgive them but no way could I forgive this premeditated act, especially as he has done it AT LEAST ten times.

Do you have a joint account?
He’s obviously had sex 10 times with them but I can imagine it’s much more often than that. And going by bud recent sat nav I wonder if he’s going there every week.

It’s really sad that you are allowing yourself to be treated like this just because of money.

CobraChicken · 23/07/2022 20:35

Holidayy · 23/07/2022 18:59

I'd threaten to expose him to all and sundry for the vile pervert he truly is unless he leaves quietly and without a fuss.

And I'd mean it.

Totally agree with this ^

FlowerArranger · 23/07/2022 20:36

You mention savings, but what about pensions? These too are a marital asset.

Look into obtaining an occupation order if you want to stay in your current home.

You need competent legal advice as a matter of urgency. Consult with an experienced family solicitor.

Original poster
strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 20:37

TwoMonthsOff · 23/07/2022 19:03

38 and perving on teenagers 🤮 how horrendous

It's awful

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 20:38

Raul57 · 23/07/2022 19:19

OP, did he cheat to be with you when you met?

No he didn't

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 20:39

TwoMonthsOff · 23/07/2022 19:27

@strawberryice90
sorry this has happened, but you would have perhaps been better checking bank account and credit card transactions and getting some proof before confronting him, (i know it’s difficult though to wait ) as it is also you know deep down that a dodgy looking blacked out windowed premises with cards round it is nefarious, can you imagine the horrible conditions in a place like that yet he is happy to exploit women. He’s 100% lying to your face don’t let him treat you like this you deserve so much more.

I have checked his credit card statement and there was nothing there, he gets cash through his work so he could easily pay with cash without me knowing

OP posts:
Shade17 · 23/07/2022 20:43

Of course he’s been shagging them but the photo’s a bit odd. If I was going to engage to services of a prostitute I can’t imagine sending them a nude/half nude selfie beforehand.

Original poster
strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 20:44

I've checked the benefits calculator and I am entitled to about 400 a week which is amazing, I didn't think it would be anything, I'm going to go to the citizens advice bureau this week if I can get an appointment. I know he will deny it till the end of time and it will keep happening. I feel so deflated but I know I need to summon up the strength to either make him leave or leave myself

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 20:45

Shade17 · 23/07/2022 20:43

Of course he’s been shagging them but the photo’s a bit odd. If I was going to engage to services of a prostitute I can’t imagine sending them a nude/half nude selfie beforehand.

The photo is really playing on my mind, as well as the rest of it but I wonder what or who it was for? It is so strange, in the 11 years we've been together I've never know him take a photo like that

OP posts:
toogoodforthisworld · 23/07/2022 20:45

Do you love him? Really love him. Do you love being intimate with him? Does he feel like you don't want to have sex with him? If I felt like my partner did not want to have sex with me then i would be heartbroken. I would feel very much rejected and hurt. I could not and would not stay in a relationship where there was practically no sex unless there was an understanding that it was permissible in our relationship to have sex with others.
Could this be an option for you? That he has sex with others and stays with you as a partner but that you don't have sex at all?

StarCourt · 23/07/2022 20:45

Op apply for benefits asap
As it will take 5 weeks to come through

Crunchygrass · 23/07/2022 20:47

strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 18:16

Thank you all for replying, his reaction has had me doubting myself and thinking I'm over reacting. It breaks my heart but I do think I have to end it now. This isn't something I can ignore anymore. I just don't know how I'm going to find the strength. We are meant to be going on holiday with our kids in a week and a half and we have been saving to buy a house together. It's unbearable to think all my hopes for our life together are now gone.

I’m so sorry @strawberryice90 it must be absolutely heartbreaking but unfortunately this is a deal breaker for too many reasons to list. Among the reasons are you and your children’s safety. If I was in your situation I would be worried too, especially if you are concerned about your financial situation, so be sure to take your time, and plan as much and as carefully as you can. You could pretend to forgive him or pretend to be thinking about it if it helps give you time. You don’t owe him any transparency and he’s not somewhere you can turn to for comfort at the moment.

Maybe you could ask him to give you some time to think things through so you can make some solid plans to split in as sensible a way as possible for you and your children.
Is there anyone in your life who can offer support? Practical and emotional support, you could make contact with them and let them know you might be calling on them for help over the coming weeks or months.