To end my marriage over this.

[strawberryice90]

Hi, I'm posting for the first time as I'm feeling really lost and confused and don't know what to do.

I've been with my husband (38) for 11 years, married for 6. Im 32, we have a son (6), I have a daughter who lives with us (13) and he has a son (13) and daughter (16)who don't live with us but do visit regularly.

In February of this year I saw a text on my husbands phone where he was arranging to meet a prostitute. I looked through his contacts and noticed there were quite a lot saved under two letter names such as JK/A1/KM... there were ten in total and when I google searched them all 10 bought up escort adverts for different girls. Some were near where we live and some were near his work. They were all quite young between 19-22. I was angry, upset and disgusted and confronted him. He denied anything had ever happened, he said he had messaged a few but only got a couple of responses and had never gone through with it. He said the reason he had searched for them was because I didn't have sex with him often enough, our sex life has gone through rough patches but has been getting better in the last two years. I'd say we have sex about 2/3 times a month so not loads but a lot more then we used to.
Literally two days after I found this out he got taken ill and ended up in hospital for 3 days so it got brushed to one side and I chose to believe him.

A few weeks ago I saw a naked body selfie he had taken of himself, he never takes photos like this and hadn't sent the photo to me. I thought it was strange but decided to let it go.
Today I was using his phone to google something as it was the nearest one to hand. He was asleep as he works nights. In his recent google searches I saw a search for escorts in the area he works.
I looked in his sat nav app to see any addresses he had last visited and there was one recent one, near his work, that I didn't recognise, I put the address into google maps and the place is an all blacked out, plain black shopfront with loads of little cards stuck around the doorframe. It looks dodgy but obviously I can't know for sure what it is unless I go there myself. I'm now thinking the naked selfie was one he had taken to send to one of these girls in advance but I don't even know if that is a thing that is done?

I told him what I had seen and again he denied ever doing anything but didn't offer an explanation as to why he had searched for escorts again. I told him I want him to leave as I can't believe him and again he just repeated that he hasn't actually done anything. I don't have any proof that he has actually been to an escort/prostitute but there is a voice in my head telling me I would be stupid to believe him.

He is now moping around the house in a bad mood and I am sat here feeling anxious, confused and lost. I don't know what to do.
If we broke up I would suffer a lot financially and mine and my kids life's would be much harder. I do love him but I feel disgusted at him right now. I don't want to be with a man who visits prostitutes. But what if I'm wrong?

What would other people think or do in this situation? Please help

To all the MN's saying hateful things. I didn't offer any advice. I offered an alternative way of looking at the situation. Love you all

You don't get to tell me what I can or can't do either. Xx

Op for an 11 yes married couple with a young child and responsibility for older children, I actually think you have a fairly active sex life.

I don't think he's "#eprived" in the typical scheme of things at all, it's an excuse.

Even if he was ... lots and lots of ppl in relationships, esp longterm relationships don't have sex as often as they'd prefer, but either accept it, or discuss it & try to resolve it or leave if it can't be worked on.

I bet he never raised it or tried to discuss his apparent lack of satisfaction til after being caught.

People who are decent would do the above, and hundreds of thousands do (accept, discuss or leave). The ones who give themselves permission to use sex workers behind their spouse or partners back .... They are simply not relationship material. They are immoral, dishonest, scummy, irresponsible, selfish and cross any number of lines noone should cross; breaking their wedding vows, cheating on a monogamous relationship, paying for sex, riskng their partners sexual health, exploiting prostitutes women who may or may not be trafficked, coerced, run by gangs, have drug issues, be immigrants without language skills or access to services, be abuse victims, be vulnerable etc etc.

Ever heard that Tommy Cooper joke about a man going in to see his doctor with nothing but cling film around his genitals (or words to that effect)?

Yeah the photo isn’t to send to a prostitute. He’s doing other stuff as well as the prostitutes.

So sorry. Would you qualify for shared ownership?

Do not automatically hand him half the savings. They are your natural assets and as you have two children to house you might be entitled to the larger portion.

😂

Anyway, IMHO your sex life is an excuse.

It's an old line thry think will work - because "enough" sex is subjective. Then "exciting enough" sex on subjective.... and it also beautifully throws the responsibility back onto the betrayed spouse.

Thry want to get her defending, not attacking.

Your "alternative way of looking at the situation" was a suggestion to stay married to a lying john who actively seeks out women to buy with family money amd is probably on affair websites, and to call it "closed-minded" to suggest that the marriage is over.

It's grubby, dehumanising, regressive, misogynistic and exploitative, no matter how many asinine smileys you tack on to it. The only saving grace is how clearly embarrassed you are about it, as you should be.

Yeah the photo isn’t to send to a prostitute. He’s doing other stuff as well as the prostitutes.

Also true.

I've read a few hundred UK punting reviews and have not once seen a man refer to a requirement or request to send a photo of himself to a prostitute. They neither need or want them.

The photo is to post or send elsewhere, probably a hook up or swinging or si.ilar site.

He's at everything.

He clearly wants the advantages of a single man's sex life & opportunities, while enjoying the advantages of a married man with a family, inc wife no 2 to help.lokk after his kids from his previous marriage/relationship... because men like him can't be arsed doing that on their own
.
How did his relationship with the Mum end incidentally?

Ever had a truly honest conversation with her about it?

You’re not over reacting. It’s disgusting!

in your post you point out how many times you have sex, that’s totally irrelevant, even if you never have sex it doesn’t give him the green flag to look elsewhere. We don’t have loads of sex anymore but if my DH risked our marriage and life together just to get his end away he’d be long gone!

I would suggest you tell him that if he won’t leave you will tell everyone he’s been sleeping with multiple prostitutes his daughters age for years and that you have all the evidence and he wouldn’t leave so you are. He may not want this to be public knowledge, curiously.

This! Take the children and get away. It will do wonders for your self esteem, courage and willpower to stick by your guns. You can do this! Leave that creep behind and begin this new journey, it will be tough, but you deserve so so so much better. Xxx

Do not automatically hand him half the savings. They are your natural assets and as you have two children to house you might be entitled to the larger portion.

Esp since, with dozens of prostitutes numbers on his phone, and at least one probable visit .. he's possibly spent hundreds of your family money on himself.

@strawberryice90
of course he will deny it because he is a liar, it is all so textbook. I am so sorry. you are right of course he gets paid cash (that pretty unusual) so it’s easily hidden but just think that money was meant for you and your children's future but his proclivities have trumped that in his world, just horrible.

This exactly. We've been married almost 30 years, We’ve gone months and months without sex but there’s a lot more to our marriage than that!

@HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd
i thought that, like swinging maybe

Jesus, absolutely leave him. Go away on holiday yo give yourself some breathing space, but make it clear he is not welcome. Tell the kids he has to work or something.

He is vile.

And the 'advice' from togood is just awful.

I'm so sorry.... he is vile 🤮🤮🤮

And you can end a marriage for whatever reason you like. You definitely should for the reasons you've given.

Show him the door and shut it quick.'

Way too many people on Mumsnet rush to say LTB but in this case, LTB.

Get hard proof and then take him to the cleaners

Sorry Op - this must be horrendous for you.

Please ask him for his bank statements, anything over a withdrawal of £100 is enough evidence.

Thinking of you

LTB.

Sounds awful, but good that you have reached out. I rang my mum when things went wrong and she was really brilliant. Women know how it is.

He's probably cheated...can't be sure.
But what I am sure if is that this man (I use the term 'man' loosely) is gaslighting you and that is psychological cruelty.
My husband was cruel in the same way due to brain damage sustained through a brain tumor. I understood, but it was pure hell.
I dreaded him leaving, which he threatened often, and thought I would never manage without him or his money.
Well, he died.
Turns out I could manage without him just fine. Our children (then young teenagers) blossomed, I grew as a person and have never looked back.
He has taken you for granted. Don't do the same to yourself. Remember who you are.
I wish you luck and send you my love and good wishes

You know he’s cheated, he knows he’s cheated, you have plenty of evidence that he’s cheated. At this point you could walk into a room and find him shagging a woman and he’d still be there saying “you have no proof”. You can do this. He’s disrespecting you, your children and using family money to pay to rape vulnerable women.